36 years and my husband left us for a 24 year old

[MydaughterandI]

I'm in pieces, I just don't want to carry on. Last week was supposed to be the nicest time for all of us, our 18 years old daughter starting university. Instead he left us without saying a word. we now know that he's been having an affair with a 24 year girl for the past year. He's 59 himself.
I just feel rubbish, humiliated. I'm missing him so much.
My daughter and I are missing eachother. But now are apart, until I sell this house.
What a mess. How can someone live their family like that?

What a horrible thing for him to do to you both. He's shown a really nasty side to himself, hasn't he? Your poor daughter, this is all she needs.

What stage are you at OP? How long ago did all this happen?

(Do you know anything about the OW?).

Of course you still love him.

But you can love someone and not like them or not be with them.

Even abused kids still love their parents in some sense.

Just keep yourself as busy as you can and talk on here or in RL. Maybe even get therapy.
Focus on selling the house and starting a new life.
You need to be gone before he starts begging for you back.

I don’t know why you’d need to contact him about car insurance.
Is your car in his name?

I would firstly phone the insurance company and see if you can sort it without him.
You want to avoid contact with him.

Well, what a silly old fool. He’s been totally selfish. I can imagine he been telling himself (and girl friend ) that he’ll leave as soon as your daughter goes to Uni. Clearly not thinking any deeper than that. Shame on him, emotional intelligence score zero!
This ‘relationship’ obviously won’t last, don’t let him crawl back in future when he realises the grass isn’t greener.Try to stay strong you will start to heal but I won’t pretend your in for an easy time. I can’t really add more to what other people have said, just sending my best wishes for the strong and happy future you will eventually have, he definitely won’t!

You love someone who has cheated on you in such an appallingly selfish way, has shat on his own daughter, has lied to you for at least a year (plus possibly more you just never knew), who is so completely grim, selfish, arrogant and entitled, that he goes for such a young woman, someone who has put his dick before anything that’s right.

im not doubting you love the memories of the person you thought he was.

but objectively right now, if you still love someone with those characteristics, then it’s not love but a trauma bond.

How have you worked that out if he’s only 59 now?

Don’t know if this is any consolation, OP, but everyone will be laughing at him. You and your DD take care of each other 💐

The op has not clarified whether the ‘36 years’ detailed in her title/op means 36 years old or 36 years together. It could be either.

We met when I was 19 and he was 21. Our beautiful daughter arrived several years after we were married. We both felt we were complete. We had our family.

What are you talking about????

He’ll probably come running back when he discovers that the 24 year old won’t want to be washing his kecks😫

So sorry OP. What an absolute fool he is. The grass isnt greener but make sure you look after yourself and your DD. To throw away 36 years together for a 24 year old is shocking. What does a 24 year old see in a man aged 59. Find your anger. Having an affair for a year and then just vanishing without a word is the lowest of the low. I hope you have friends and family around to support you. Sending you and your DD a massive hug.

The problem is, OP, that your house belongs to both of you because you've been married such a long time.

I can understand you wanting to move near to your daughter, but will she stay in that university town anyway? Doesn't she feel a connection with her home town?

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Do you have good friends you can talk to? Is there any light at the end of the tunnel, like in laws you won't have to care for?!

It must be a shock

your daughter needs to focus on settling in, not worrying about you. It’s natural you want to move closer - but that’s also a bit selfish. She needs to. She needs to be enjoying her young adult life independently at uni.

you need to focus on day to day, use your friends for support and get your practicals together

The house is a marital asset and that along with all other assets will need valuing and splitting. Legally it’s not yours. You can’t sell it until you’ve agree the split of assets - he can put a home rights notice on the land registry to prevent its sale

They just answered your silly question

Well, the 24yr old will be in for a nasty surprise when she’s 44 and having to care for an 80yr old!

Except it’s extremely unlikely to last a year, let alone 20 years. And then he will want to come running back to you OP. You need to have a long hard think about what you will do when this happens, he’s shown you who he really is, make sure you’re listening!
I’d also slow down on the moving house idea. Your daughter may not want to stay in the Uni city long. Sell and rent somewhere for a bit, but most of all make sure your daughter knows you’re okay - she should be enjoying herself at first few uni weeks, not worrying about you. Find your anger is good advice from pp.

Yeah me too. People don't usually put the word 'years' after typing the number when stating their age.

I don't see why anyone would think she meant that.

Im taking it they've been together 36 yrs

Very easily if they were 18 themselves when the baby was born - doh!

Well, the 24yr old will be in for a nasty surprise when she’s 44 and having to care for an 80yr old!
.
IKR? Or 25 year old with a 60 year old boyfriend. What is she thinking?

OP I’m sorry to hear you and your DD have been treated so cruelly, how selfish of him to do this when she is just off to uni. He obviously doesn’t care how this is going to affect her either. I read this post as they have been together for 36 years. I would get your affairs together, ignore him if he gets in touch (difficult I know but be strong) and wait for the inevitable day when he comes crawling back. This won’t be long, once the initial honeymoon period and excitement has worn off he will realise that they have nothing in common, no common cultural references and he is just a sad and tragic old cliche. I hope that once the shock has passed, that you can get your life back on track and move forward. There is no better revenge than doing well. I wish you all the best

It's perfectly obvious that it's the marriage which is 36 years old not the OP.

DH and I split 2.5 yrs ago, I started divorce proceedings, although I’d put 50% down on the house myself, I was told I’d have to give him half of the proceeds as it was a marital asset and we’d been together a long time. All sorts of things are considered, my pension is higher than his, but our pensions would be added together and we’d get half each. DH said he wouldn’t take anything but apparently a judge could order him to take it. I’d say get legal advice asap, especially as he’s on self-destruct with his finances.

OP, you don't still love him, you love the person you thought he was. Please don't do the pick me dance.

Im really sorry OP. Do whatever you need to do to get you and your DD through this.

What a horrible and selfish man. I hope it doesn't work out and he's left with nothing quite honestly.

My ex H left me too. It's the worst thing ive ever been through but I did get through it.

Take care. Let close and trusted friends help out. X