36 years and my husband left us for a 24 year old

[MydaughterandI]

I'm in pieces, I just don't want to carry on. Last week was supposed to be the nicest time for all of us, our 18 years old daughter starting university. Instead he left us without saying a word. we now know that he's been having an affair with a 24 year girl for the past year. He's 59 himself.
I just feel rubbish, humiliated. I'm missing him so much.
My daughter and I are missing eachother. But now are apart, until I sell this house.
What a mess. How can someone live their family like that?

This.
OP, it’s your husband who has humiliated himself- you have no reason to feel humiliated.
Please get legal advice, most family lawyers will do a free initial interview and the norm in England is to look at a 50/50 split of all assets- including his pension. Start looking at how you can afford to live on your share of the assets.
Good luck OP and don’t take him back.

Sorry, Quentin. Always mix the Q actresses up

He's a deluded old fool. She’s either a gold digger or an inadequate. Sorry I’m not usually so vile and judgemental, particularly of women, but this thread deserves it. One step in front of the other OP and “get your ducks in a row” eg finances and sending to you and your DD.

I am so sorry. What a horrible shock.
Please know there are women here who understand and care.
Deep breaths lovely, you’ve got this

Bloody hell op what an absolute kick in the guts for you and dd. Have you got any RL support?

What angers me about your post, is that he clearly timed this to be as soon as the kids leave home. It was like she was out the door and he was free from responsibility.
You don't just decide overnight to leave, so he must have been planning this for years and the new woman is just an excuse. And if he was, then he could have done you the decency of being honest and leaving you earlier without wasting years of your time.
I would be very angry with him for that, I wouldnt care about the age of the other woman or even that there was one, but I would be livid that he has wasted my time. What an absolute bastard.

Sorry to hear you’ve had this. What an awful shock for you.
so a 35 year age gap? He will be a pensioner soon.
Hope you can get good support, both legal and emotional. You will get through this.

I'm sorry this is happening but please don't feel humiliated.

He's such a deluded old fool and it's never going to last. In the fullness of time, he'll realise what a fool he has been. She won't want him for long and he'll be broke and along.

Use your anger to negotiate the best divorce settlement.

There won't be many that will think he's anything other than an absolute clown.

I’m not sure that either conclusion about the woman can be so clear when the age gap is so large. 35 years is significant and may suggest a very significant power imbalance (assuming the OP’s husband still has his health and isn’t vulnerable himself). 24 years of age is very early adulthood when some brain development isn’t yet complete. I would suggest the likelihood is that’s she’s been taken advantage of here.

Awful. What 24 yr old wants a 59 yr old man? Even if he's minted, that is pretty yuck.
By the same token, what 59 yr man wants a sexual and romantic relationship with someone who should essentially be a child to him?

Poor poor poor you.

So sorry OP. However looking at the positives might help a little. No more smelly socks and pants to wash. No more watching him cut toenails or clip nasal hair and other unpleasant man things. He will quickly become the butt of jokes as having a mid life crisis. His mates wives will ensure that they are ostracised from your circle of friends. She no doubt will think she has won a prize but all she’s getting are your cast offs who is also a deceitful liar. In a short while either he will get fed up of having to keep up with a 24 year old and her immature mates or she will be fed up of the why are you out with your dad jibes. Use the time to figure out what you want so that when he comes back with the “ no idea what came over me, it’s you I love excuses” you can tell him to foxtrot Oscar. Today is the start of your new independent, best life. It’s out there waiting for you.

Well it was hardly astrophysics was it 😂

My sister was 36 with an 18 year old. It happens!

This is one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever read.
He’s making himself look like an absolute arse and everyone must be laughing at him.

I’m so sorry to you and your DD but just remember that he is the one that will end up being miserable and regretting his choices and you’d have moved on with your life.

Not only is there a big age gap but it can’t last because she knows he’s a cheat and will easily do it again and he knows she’s younger and he’ll be paranoid she’ll leave him for someone younger, just like he did.

Genuinely sorry you have had this awful shock and heartbreak. Its an awful unbearable pain. If you think it would derail your daughters first year you could always discuss deferring for a year. Once you are past that awful plugged into an electric socket, feel sick, can't sleep stage. My remedy is gorgeous massages booked as both touch healing, talking to a stranger therapy. I booked a series at Clarins and found a community of women who'd been through similar, who cared and listened...absolute life changers...they showed me it didnt matter about any flaws I had, in my experience it happens to every sort of person and isn't our fault. It's not yours. Don't give a damn about other people's opinions. Its normal to go round and round it trying to understand why, don"t be cross about that either, its normal. If you need to be amongst people to not fall apart go sit in a cafe, I guarantee you will have a friendly interaction that will cheer your day. See a good solicitor and do kind things for yourself. Day by day you will feel less pain and emerge from this. 🌅

Get legal advice OP and don’t let him manipulate you.

Well she’s obviously interested because of status/money so make sure you protect your financial interests otherwise she’ll get busy spending the inheritance.

I know someone whose long-term partner (52) left her (48) for a 21 year old.

There was a meme doing the rounds a while ago. It said...
"I'm 40 but I still feel the same as I did when I was 20...until I hang out with a group of 20 year olds and then I'm like, never mind, I'm 40."

I said to her, imagine him sitting in the pub with her mates listening to the shit they talk at that age and trying to fit in.
We did laugh at the vision.

I know it doesn't help now, today. But yeah...he's an arse and soon enough he's going to feel like one. Trust. x

You might be sad today but I’m fairly sure in a few years time you will be very very happy to have got away from a man who is clearly not a good guy.

A few posters getting this wrong, to the extent of one poster withdrawing the comment having made the assumption that OP and her DH were 18 and 41, and accusing the OP’s DH of having ‘form’ for younger women.

OP says they were together 36 years. If DH is 59 now that means he was 23 when they got together. If DD is 18 now that means she was born 18 years after OP and her DH married, which suggests that they were around the same age or OP was younger.

The relationship between him and the 24 year old will not last .
I honestly think he has done you a favour (though I know it doesn’t feel tthis way atm)
In time you will relish your new found freedom. It is time to focus on yourself
Of course you will still go through pain , but ultimately you will realise that your husband is a man with issues .
When he comes crawling back , do not take him back . He cannot be trusted .
Do not do the pick me dance and beg him to take you back .
I wish you peace

But it didn’t happen in this case. OP said they had been together 36 years, not that she was 36. And if DD is 18, that means they were married 18 years before she was born.

Is he going off clubbing with her 20 something mates ? What an utter nob !

I understand this is totally devastating right now, but you will get through it and be better off without him. He’s an awful human being.

The relationship is very unlikely to last. Once you’ve had a bloody good cry, you need to get on and get the divorce and division of finances sorted asap before he breaks up with her and suddenly decides he doesn’t want that and it would be in his interests to make things difficult for you.

You are far from the first person on MN to go through something like this. Loads of people here will support you.

OP, my husband of 20 years is thirty years older (didn't leave his family for me), but I seriously doubt this will last. I only know one couple with forty years difference, in my 46 years of life.
Please focus on yourself and your daughter, don't let him back in later. It must hurt like hell and the sickness from the surprise I can also relate to, but people are programmed to go on.
These relationships require lots of mental strength, maturity and tolerance on both sides, which I don't think either of them have.
All the best to you!
❤️

Oh OP, he will be an absolute laughing stock 😔

Hold your head high and take him to the cleaners. By 59 his pension will be getting pretty good hopefully.

I know the pain will be unbearable at the moment but it will ease. As it is, rely on friends and just get through the days. And get yourself to a good solicitor.