Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

Just read through this thread and I’m so sorry to read about your situation. Mine was similar a few years back - children 8 months and almost 3. Split was June and I went back to work in the Sept.

From my experience, tell him to leave and know that you can absolutely do this by yourself - though it’s hard and yes tiring (exhausting actually). It’s a long road ahead but that is the first step to take to honour yourself.

Take baby steps, just get through each day. Eat. Be vulnerable and tell people about your situation - I found my employer to be very helpful and supportive in ways I didn’t anticipate. You will be tired but without the distraction of living with a disgusting liar you and your children will find a new rhythm and thrive. I personally didn’t want them to go overnight until much later because of my youngest being so small. I didn’t see why I should lose out with time with the kids because he had betrayed us. So he lost out until I was ready.

Without him and his betrayal and gaslighting your home will be full of love, your kids will have a mum who is the most amazing role model for choosing that peace for them. You will learn how to feel beautiful for yourself rather than attractive for him - you’ll actually feel it. You’ll feel proud of yourself and you will eventually reach a place where you look at your ex and won’t see the person you married - you’ll be indifferent.

Screw him over for every penny you can get out of him. Get a good solicitor and make life as difficult as you can. There is no forgiving this and no coming back. Claws out! Believe me, when you get to my age you have seen this a thousand times over and you and your children are worth so much more. He thinks he is Mr Big Man for behaving the way he does. Later into life you will find he is the biggest loser of them all. He thinks he is riding high now, believe me,, in a couple of years the tables will be turned and you will have the last laugh.

What an immature abhorrent twat of a man. Remember how he has treated you and his children and harness that anger to move on and carve a life for yourself and your children.

DO NOT allow this creep to crawl back into his life with you. He will no doubt eventually realise how he's messed up. However the damage is done and he has shown his true colours.

I've been in a similar situation and I promise you that now is the hardest stage. It does get easier. You can do this.

Hold your head high and let it be known what he has done. Do not try to defend him or feel shame in any way. This is all on him.

I'm furious on your behalf!

You can tell/ask him to move out, but if you both own the house, he is, as you’ll know, entitled to stay. You should, however, separate finances and roles and try to consider what YOU want in the short term. Not everybody separates post affair, although you must be exhausted and have serious ick given his unforgivable behaviour.

I hope you have lots of support irl. ❤️

I strongly advise allowing him to stay. Be distant. But let yourself get through these really hard days of a young baby and a four year old and going back to work. Once you have that settled, then decide what you want. For now just live day to day in a practical way. Stay away from him as much as possible. Grey rock.

I can only speak from experience - I found kids a bit overwhelming and mentally exhausting. Just speaking from my experience

Lovely to have a man on here, explaining how he felt and excusing the OP's rat of a husband.

Sigh. Next!

I couldn't have him stay at the house. But I understand that that would make things so much harder for you. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

So what are his plans now he has lost his lady friend? Is he looking for another one?

What a mess he has created for you and his young family.

I can’t give you advice on what to do about him staying and helping in the night etc. as when I split with my exh I had young children but not a newborn. My ex was very awkward and selfish anyway so he wouldn’t have helped with the dc even when he was there. I did find it hard with work and childcare but my work was supportive. We had problems for a long time but tbh it was better when he left.

I am so sorry OP. Remember that you have carried, birthed and nourished two babies. You have reserves of strength that your prick of an ex cannot dream of. Nothing I can say in addition to the excellent advice already given here except the words of Ivana Trump....Don't get mad, get everything. And that includes your children. Stay strong OP, we are all here to listen xxx

Hi OP so sorry you are going through this. It amazes me how some people behave after having children. The only thing I wanted to say to you is to take back control. Stop focusing on how your other half is feeling, what he is doing, how he has made you feel, what he said drove him to this(because it’s all irrelevant excuses! )Start focusing on you. What do you want, what makes you happy, take care of yourself whilst you are going through this, try surround yourself with the people that do love you and learn to love yourself again! Good luck OP whatever you do make yourself Happy and be proud of the choices you make when you look back at this awful time. I’m sure in later life your partner will not feel the same about his actions.

But I can tell you that I really struggled with life/the changes/my wife's pain/work

Oh my God, did you really? I'm so glad you told a community of mostly mothers that having young children is hard and exhausting and overwhelming and you often want an escape. We had no idea. Our bodies and lives just snap back after labour and then it's all Mary Poppins. That's why we're the ones who are usually left to it, because it's easier for us.

Please don’t let him stay in the house. He’ll only wheedle his way back in - and then repeat his infidelity down the line.

He can get his own place, and do his bit of the parenting at his.

What a shitty man

I am a late to your thread OP, but I am so sorry you have been treated this way.

He is a piece of work isn't he. It didn't work out with his side piece (no surprise there) and so now I will bet my bottom dollar he would very much like things to go back to normal.

You sound very wise, and you must remember that now the ball is is your court. Yes, it is very fucking unfair that it is this way, and that you have to now make the decision of how to move forward. But, saying that, you can do this however you please. And what suits you best.

A lot of posters will tell you to get him to move out right now, but if this doesn't suit you right now, then let him stay. And do his share of the parenting. On your terms though!

Perhaps something like he sleeps in the room with the baby and does the night wake ups. And all of the harder jobs that you are not able to do alone right now. Use him. As much as he has been using you. And then during this time, you decide for yourself how to want to go forward. You do not need to make a decision right now. But you have control of the situation in your home.

You can see how it goes when you start back at work, and once you have settled back in, you think about a new routine and how you are able to manage it. Call on family, let them know. You don't have to keep his dirty little secret. I know when my ex had affairs, I felt so embarrassed to tell anyone, as somehow I felt a a failure. In hindsight now, I see that is such a skewed view as I, like you, had absolutely no responsibility for his actions. It was a decision he alone made.

Whatever any one else advises, you must do what is best for you right now in this moment.

You poor thing. I know the heartbreak as I have been in an almost identical.posotioj myself. Sadly, you won't be able to get into his mindset. Let him.go. It was heartbreaking for me for a few years, but I focused on squeezing every bit of joy out of my beautiful children and made a new, good life. Eventually I got a very good solicitor and advocated hard for a fair financial settlement that I appreciate now. Although he didn't deserve it, I always put the children at the centre to facilitate a good relationship with him. Over a decade on, I am married to a wonderful.man, we have another child and life is very, very good. Hindsight taught me that he was actually a fairly crap husband and im.so much better off now. Stay strong, love your babies and understand that it takes a very particular type of man to walk.out on such a young family. You have in all.likelihood had a lucky escape. Best of luck.

I know it's not the point but she is only a few short years younger than you. He hasn't run off with a 24 year old, she is 30 and you are 33. He hasn't had this affair because you are too old, the age gap between the two of you is meagre so please don't worry about that aspect.

Ask him to leave, you are strong enough to do this. Your 4 year old will be in school shortly, you will be returning to work and the baby I presume will be going to a childcare setting? This new interaction will also tire them out and eventually they will sleep through the night. I did it alone when mine were exactly this age, you've got this.

Don't let him stay - he will worm his way back in but he had an affair - and it will always be in the back of your mind, you will start to doubt everything he says he is doing and where he is going and it will drive you crazy - he will be smug he got away with it without losing anything and you will be miserable, and he will do it again.

What will piss him off is seeing how strong you are, that you don't need him, you can live without him and that you do it on your own like a boss. Go find a better man!

Man here so opposite way round, was cheated on by ex. It is dreadful, I've never been so upset, and that includes loosing my dad - but trust me the clods will clear.

It will take time, you will be numb for quite a while, you will have many questions and thoughts racing through your mind, what if this, what if that. You will find it hard to focus on other things.

But then that will morph into anger, which in itself is quite disturbing as for a while you will likely feel really angry, but that hate serves to wash out the residual love - then after a while you will get apathy, you will care less and less and then you will find yourself accepting and moving on.

One morning you will wake up, it won't be the first thought and you will start to feel you again. For me it took 6 months, it takes months, don't look ahead, take every day as it comes, try to distract yourself, work and friends are good!

You will be OK!! and Karma will in all likelihood pay him a visit!

Kick the cunt out.

What a sad and pathetic excuse for a man he is. I’m so sorry that he turned out to be a loser. I will never, ever understand why some women are attracted to married men and fathers, because the very fact that their head is turned marks out them out as unworthy and dishonourable. But I suppose it’s like water finding its own level.

I know how painful and hard this is right now, and I’m not minimising your suffering when I say this - you will come out the other side of this, and you will realise that life is immeasurably easier when you don’t have a gaslighting, reality distorting, selfish, asshole in your life.

It isn’t easy to be a single mother to two little dc but sailing is infinitely easier when you don’t have a crewmate punching holes in the boat.

Let the trash take itself out, and grieve for the life you wanted and the love and support you deserve but didn’t get. But you will be ok.

He sounds utterly despicable @Peanutbutterislife

Have you gained legal advice yet? I would be planning my escape route from him and this toxic relationship. Maybe not just yet if you can’t cope with it at the moment. You get to choose the timing … but I would definitely be planning to divorce him in the next year. He never really grew up did he?

Bizarre isn't it
Do these idiot men think their wives DONT find children overwhelming and exhausting.
Of course they bloody do but they don't use it as an excuse to run off, be vile and have sex with another man!
@Peanutbutterislife he has done you a huge favour in showing you who he really is.
Get him out
He needs to feel the consequences of his actions.
He has been abusive to you, the mother of his children and there is no coming back from this
He has shown you that he's weak, petty, manipulative,a liar, a cheat and that he blames you.
You who has carried and given birth to his children.
Men like this are Narcissistic
They do not change

If you take him back he will destroy your life and self esteem .
He will destroy your children's lives and self esteem
Go ice cold, calm and get your ducks in a row.

Do you not think it's also life changing for a woman when she's just had a baby? Probably even more so than the man? Should she piss off and cheat when things get hard aswell? Honestly it's ridiculous. Poor little man having a young family, so stressful for him!

I've been here and I have the T shirt.
If you let him back you are saying "I will always forgive you". Will he do it again? Of course he will!
Your choice is death by a thousand cuts, or one big punch in the gut.

My ex also wanted to go down the happy families route, and it was actually my son who said "I don't think so!!!!!
Boundaries are hard to see when you are in the trenches,as you are, but it won't be forever. You will cope and you will find ways to manage and you will be happier for it and you can watch as he regrets blowing up his life for sex.

Think emma thompson in love actually, and fake it 'til you make it. We are all on your side!
❤

Sending ❤️ and support OP. Many years ago went through same but he had affair when I was pregnant.Same as you just emotional(not).We(or I) tried to salvage the marriage, had second child, moved to different area,bigger house, six months later he left 3 year old and 12 month old. No maintenance, no real support. He was backwards and forwards for quite a time(still
trying it on with me ever opportunity he got)
Things I wish I had done differently or knew then.
He didn't give a fck about me and was just manipulating me to fit his own agenda. I was good enough, he was the ONLY problem. I could not rely on him, if I realised this from day one I would have saved pulling my hair out so much.The kids were fine and I could and DID the job of 2 parents and ACED it! You will ALWAYS be the kids mum and they will see how strong and devoted you are/were and will acknowledge that when they are older.
Be strong OP, always put yourself and kids first, do not let him try to put any blame onto you, do not be the nice person to him that you are, he doesn't desrve your spit.💕