Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

Although I understand the fear of tiredness, your self-esteem and confidence need to be your top priorities.

He needs to leave. You will survive. It will get better but it’ll be hard but you’ll keep going and getting stronger,

He sounds vile and doesn't deserve a nice family. No doubt the woman he's moved onto will find out what he's like in due course too.

I wonder how men like OP's husband would react if she were to turn around and say the magic words "Fine, let's split up - and you can have residency of the kids. I'll see them every other weekend."

I went through this also only without the children. Bloody vile and very nearly destryed me. Over 3 years out of it now and much happier. He’s a disgusting human being.

Good riddance to the fucker!

I know it is hard to see it now but better he fucked off while you and the children are young.

At 33yo, you have a long life ahead of you to figure yourself out albeit with children in the picture. You can and will move on.

The children are very young - they won't remember dad living at home and seeing him out of the main residence will be their norm.

My advice would be to remain in the home with your children and for the fucker to permanently leave, apply for UC and child maintenance.

Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.

It’s worth googling chumplady to get a frank and detailed analysis of the lying you’ve been subjected to. Not just once but over a significant time period. You deserve better.

WTF OP! You both with (although you are on maternity now) and your DP is complaining he is not “getting the space” and went out and had an affair ? WTF ?

If the affair broke down, I’d let him stay (only if he is begging to), use him to support while I get back on my feet, and then leave him.

I didn't have an affair, when we had two kids under 4).... But I can tell you that I really struggled with life/the changes/my wife's pain/work - really really struggled. Your husband has crossed a line I'm afraid (but I can see how it got to that point - it's inexcusable - but I can see his struggle).

Trouble is the trust has gone now. I can understand you need him for night duty and parenting but I think the marriage is done - if only for your own self esteem and mental health. Don't get fitter or in shape for him - do that for you.... If you want - but you only have so much energy - perhaps save it/use it for living/getting through the day. A friend of mine runs a divorce consultants (Rhiannon Ford - whom is utterly lovely).... But perhaps you're thinking of trying to make it work for the moment (but I worry about him - he's done it once - who's t9 say he won't do it again when there's another bump in the road so to speak). V difficult - ideally you need a nanny to take the load off you with child care to give you back some time and energy and space to think about the future.

So have I read this correctly- it’s over with the OW, and he’s back? Is he grovelling, or is he hoping to snap back into life as if it never happened? Apologies if I have misunderstood

Can you forgive him? Can the trust and respect be rebuilt? Is HE willing to rebuild the relationship? Do you want to?

I think when it is gone, it's gone. I really wouldn't waste your youth on this man. If and when he cheats again, you will likely regret staying with him. It's better he leave sooner rather than later so you can move on and rebuild and so the kids can develop their new norm, IMO.

Oh my.

Making excuses for the man and then suggesting a nanny to help with the children?

Unhelpful.

But I can tell you that I really struggled with life/the changes/my wife's pain/work - really really struggled. Your husband has crossed a line I'm afraid (but I can see how it got to that point - it's inexcusable - but I can see his struggle)

Yes, my heart breaks for the poor, poor man. Struggling like this.

(Sarcasm, for the avoidance of doubt)

Edited as posted twice.

@Peanutbutterislife hope you are ok.

What an absolute bastard your H is. He has shown you who he is. He just wants the 'fairy dust' parts of family life

Do you have any IRL support? Family/friends?
Personally, I would not have this man staying in the house. Although it will be hard you need to make it clear to him he is no longer welcome due to the choices he has made.

So sorry you are going through this x

Personally I would USE him for a while. Silently bottle it all for now, if he’s not leaving.

Get yourself over the hump of going back to work. Get him to do DIY jobs that need doing, wake him up for EVERY night waking - tell him it’s penance and he owes his children than much. Have lie ins at the weekend. Make sure you are on top of the financial situation you’ll be in when you kick him out.

And then when you are ready kick him out, he doesn’t get to play happy families after his behaviour

I literally wrote - 'it's inexcusable' in the middle of that sentence. His behaviour is abhorrent..... but I can also see how he got to that point (through my own experience).

The nanny bit was more to give the OP the opportunity to have some space and time and the mental break, to give herself the opportunity to think about the future. But close friends/family/parents - doesn't matter. Someone to share the childcare to help her get time away and perspective on things. I can only speak from experience - I found kids a bit overwhelming and mentally exhausting. Just speaking from my experience.

Hey Girl,

Just here to say when he try’s to come crawling back the answer is NO. You’re worth a million of him. Lots of time with your friends and family and remember to laugh every day. Get yourself out for a walk and create loads of happy memories with your babies…

All the best for your future ❤️

Can you not live apart and do 50:50. That way you’re not doing all the nights alone?

Why are you still letting him at home?? Woman up and and pack him off to his little slut

Sorry you are going through this OP. You dont deserve this and you definitely dont deserve your DH treating you so appallingly. He has lied and cheated while you have two very young dc's to care for. He wasn't thinking of you at home while he was having an affair with the other woman. You need to find your anger. The grass isnt greener and dont let him come crawling back.
I hope you have supportive family and friends around you. You dont need to go through this alone. Thinking of you.

Stupid, stupid, stupid bastard.

OP, I was in similar situation! No affair but partner left just as I was going back to work! It was a lot, I had no support and my child only slept about three hours! This is what I’d do straight away

1. get legal advice! What will you be entitled to in the divorce?
2. Get him out of the house! You say you need him for help with childcare, but you’re giving him the power to up and leave whenever he wants. Take that choice away from him. You will cope
3. do you have any family nearby that can help you out in mornings or after work, to take the pressure off? Or, as someone else suggested, can you afford help before and after nursery/school! This will be your saviour when working.
4. if you divorce and get the house etc etc will you be in a position to not work for a year or two until your child is older. After three years of doing it all alone, I ended up quitting my job to go freelance October last year! Financially I was OK as I wasn’t paying crazy nursery fees anymore! I just about scrape by (my ex gives me nothing and I get no other help) but my sanity is in tact

my main advice is, this won’t get better! Having him around won’t help, it will just make it harder for you when he eventually decides to leave himself. Take him out of the equation and work out how you will cope on your own!

My god they’re truly disgusting, no one could ever make me like men again. I’m so sorry. You can do this girl, in the long run, would you actually want someone that could so cruelly leave you? The answer is no. You’ll make it through this.

Why would she want him?

Do you have a relatives that can come over and give you a hand during the night for when you start work?

I’m in the camp that thinks you will cope better without him around constantly messing with your head. I’m guessing you still do the wife work for him - cooking cleaning laundry etc….?

It will be tough but so are you.