Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

In terms of practicalities change your will immediately. In the unlikely event anything happens to you he's your next of kin. Change it and sever the joint tenency.

I'm so sorry op! They are such sad cliches these "men". 😡😡😡

My ex said can we still do days out and things together. I shut that down immediately. Even as a couple a day out meant me doing all the organising, logistical planning, packing, etc and him just rocking up and having a fun time. Of course he still wanted to do that. Selfish knob head. 😡 I said no and stuck to it.

You don't have to make any big decisions right now, but I would say you now know who he is and you won't look at him the same after this. He's put his ego over his kid's stability, and your trust. He's a vile selfish git and you will never trust him again, and will likely have the ick just looking at him. The respect will be as lacking as the trust.

Get some legal advice on things like housing, maintenance, etc.

Is there space in your home in the meantime for him to sleep on a sofa bed? Or in one of the kids rooms on a pull out bed? That way you could at least have him still do some of the nights while your youngest is still so small. It would also give you some time to make decisions of what is best for YOU long term, get advice, reach out for support etc.

Some women on here love nothing more than name calling and insult other women, who’s circumstances they know nothing about.

I would kick him out for a set number of nights a week, but allow him to stay over in the spare room or on the sofa on nights when he is going to help out.
Re childcare, are you able to drop your youngest off in their pjs and get the childcare setting to change them/feed them etc?
Could you advertise for a single mum lodger or find another mum in a similar situation to share the load? I think that it will settle down into a routine once you have been in work for a few weeks.
You've been doing most of it anyway whilst extremely stressed and heart broken. Of course you are going to be nervous going back to work, especially with all this going on. That's normal and it's ok. It will fall into place logistically. Being at work will give you a bit more time to think straight and you might find that you feel much less isolated, are able to get support from colleagues and that it's helpful to be back.

But I know I need to make changes and I am scared it’ll “slip” back into some kind of dysfunctional relationship. Because the OW called it off (ofc she did) so he’s now no longer got that on the side….

OP stay strong. You can do this. Remember it's not just the affair, it's the coldness and nastiness towards you, the gaslighting. Remind him of that. Would you ever trust him again?

That would be the end for me because it sounds like (you say he loves the ego massaging) she won't be the last.

@Peanutbutterislife in your shoes and if he's sleeping elsewhere in the house I would bide myself a bit of time (as in about 4-6 weeks) in order to get back into work and get your first pay slip back. That way you can do the maths and work out how to budget and ask him to move out.

He can however refuse legally if both on the mortgage or rental agreement.

I know many would disagree but adding more stress to marriage breakdown, return to work, childcare and finances all in one go might be too much.

But it would be for a short time only as he's probably thinking well she hasn't got me to leave yet so maybe I'll just stay and we will brush it all under the carpet.

I strongly agree with this. Because the truth is, it's not you he;s walking away from, it's the responsibility for the gruelling years of small babies, broken nights, a home that smells of nappies and milk, a wife who is sleep deprived and rightly focused on her children not him.

Ensure he doesn't get away with this. It's crucial that he doesn't lose any bond with your older child and that he establishes a bond with the baby. Focus on discussing when he will have the children and how to ensure a fifty fifty split, so he doesn't lose contact with them as they are equally his responsobility. Even if you know it would never be 50/50, discuss it as a given. Discuss where he will live to stay close to his children. I'd even play him and discuss mixed feeding if you are currently breast feeding, so that when he has the baby overnight three or four times a week, he can do feeds. Just kick his arse back into the reality of what he's really trying to wriggle out of.

I despise men who do this. A few politicians aside, there is no one in the world I despise more than men who leave their 'wife' when what they are really doing is leaving their children.

Yes he is going to have to move out. Otherwise it's going to slip back onto relationship mode. He has done this and will do it again for another younger model. You cannot trust him and allow him to abuse you again. Life will get better for you, you deserve so much better than this.

You are going to have to take charge of the situation now OP, don't let him make all the decisions and call the shots. Don't give him the opportunity to gaslight you again.

Talk, talk, talk to your family and trusted friends, let them support you. Don't hold it in to "protect him".

What an absolute idiot he is.

@Peanutbutterislife I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.

what a selfish arsehole he is!

This will be painful and involve lots of change, but honestly (and I’m sorry if this feels insensitive or harsh) you are better off knowing this about him now , than knowing it in 2,5,10 years time when you have poured even more of yourself into this marriage.

You will survive this, and you will thrive!!!

He is a fool, and it is entirely his loss. Do not let his foolishness reflect on you or dim your own view of yourself. This might be hard to do when you are in the thick of it but you need to remind yourself every day that his foolishness is not your fault, it is his - I speak from experience here.

I wish I could hug you , buy you a cup of coffee and reassure you of how fine you are going to be. But please accept my virtual best wishes and reassurance that you are absolutely going to be ok xx

Get a good lawyer. Get every penny you can for you and your kids. Be fucking unreasonable. Be a complete bitch, this is how you will survive. You will get through this, and she's welcome to him.

I can only speak from experience - I found kids a bit overwhelming and mentally exhausting. Just speaking from my experience

You mean like every woman ever? FFS. Stupid bloody comment.

OP I would rinse your own personal knobhead for a night nurse once a week.

Are you sure he isn't lying and it isn't still going?

I wouldn't get drawn in to having him around to help with the kids.

This is going to sound brutal but is this not why he left? The nasty bastard was bored of family life, etc.

Let him go...let him be without you

There is no "should" for what to do next.
It is all your choice. You have the power - take back your power.

Here are some options:

One: Make him leave, get a court order for the house, get a nursery / nanny, take him to the cleaners financially, block him everywhere and let him take you to court to see the children. This is not recommended.

Two: Make him leave, Get a court order for you to stay in the house. Let him have the children but elsewhere (his parents house?) up to 50% of the time - assuming he is willing. You can't make him step up and parent his children.

Three: Between you buy or rent a small one-bed place nearby, then take turns living in the house or the flat, i.e. the children stay in the house and the parents swap places. This can work for some couples, but it is not for everyone.

Four: Force the sale of the house, you both find new places to live. You would normally only do this if neither of you can afford to keep the house after a divorce. (A court may well insist he pays enough maintenance to keep you in the house with your children).

Five: Let him back, on the understanding that the relationship is over, he sleeps in another room, but you are both in the house to do the parenting. This is unlikely to appeal to him - he will probably only want to come back if he thinks he can continue having sex with you.

Six: Let him back, pretend to be "working to fix the relationship" whilst biding your time. Make sure he does loads of parenting. Then kick him out and divorce when you are good and ready. You need to put a cage of steel round your heart to pull this off.

A word of warning (unlikely but it is good to be careful), don't ever let him become a stay-at-home parent. He could do it for a few years, then divorce you, keep the kids, and kick you out of the home and make you pay him maintenance.

You do whatever you need to do to get through the day. Don't rush into anything, seek legal advice if you can, maybe even use him to get through the hard part of child rearing until you can get your ducks in a row. But he will cheat again and leave on his terms if you let this slide, so just see him for what he is now.

I think you have to seperate but you do it at your pace when you have all the cards. Have you told anyone IRL, have you got any support? Xx

You do whatever you need to do to get through the day. Don't rush into anything, seek legal advice if you can, maybe even use him to get through the hard part of child rearing until you can get your ducks in a row. But he will cheat again and leave on his terms if you let this slide, so just see him for what he is now.

I think you have to seperate but you do it at your pace when you have all the cards. Not RTFT but have you told anyone IRL, have you got any support? Xx

Sending massive hugs OP xx

(Urgh sorry double post can't delete)

Do you have family support OP? I would 100% move in with my DD to co-parent her baby and help with night feeds etc while she found her feet at work and established a new normal. Would your mum do this?

I think in your situation, you now have a different set of priorities than you had anticipated because of what the children's father has done. You need to prioritise getting to a point where you can cope as a single mum, which means finding a way to get more sleep at night. Mine were all co-sleeping (strictly following safe co-sleeping guidelines) to make breastfeeding easier in the night. Could this be an option for you?

I imagine it's going to be nigh on impossible for you to recover from this trauma whilst he remains in your home. I think the sooner you can get him out of the house, the better. For your peace of mind and mental health.

If he can be trusted as a responsible father I would tell him he has responsibility for the 4 year old exactly half the time starting now. Whether in the home or wherever he goes to live. Not as part of "family days and holidays together" (on what planet...?!) but himself. For the baby, for now, financial 50/50. (It almost certainly won't work out like that but set it out like that to give him a dose of the reality of what he has done).

BTW there will be another OW along shortly. If the current one is really gone, which may well not be the case.

Not sure if you’re still reading, hope you are. I would ask him to leave. You’re not in the right frame of mind to come to any sort of decision right now and whilst he is living with you he has the opportunity to make you believe you should be back together. Give yourself space and time to understand your own feelings. Dont let him push you into making a decision you later regret. You’re worth so much more. X

This is awful. what an idiot he is. Breathe, day by day, you will survive. Please get legal advise asap, if anything it will focus your mind to get your ducks in order....
of course he will come crawling back eventually but please know your worth, you will come to realise what an awful human being he is.

You make that absolute fucker move out straight away.

This is a man who has upturned your life, so no more Mrs. Nice Wife.

He does not have your best interests or your children’s best interests at heart. So you focus on yourself and your children- fuck him.

@FlamboyantlyIncognito - it was brave of you to put yourself out there with your post. What it shows is that you somehow assumed you were having a different and harder experience of the early years of parenting than everyone else, just like OP’s husband. In fact, most of us (including us mums) find it overwhelming, exhausting and deeply challenging much of the time even while we love and cherish our little ones.

But you stuck in there. Becoming a father sorts the men from the boys and you showed you’re a man. Unfortunately, OP’s husband showed he’s a boy.

It will all come crashing down, she will lose him how she got him. Karma will have them.

Dery; I didn't mean to imply that I (or this other bloke whom has had an affair) had it anything like as hard as my wife did..........just that I personally struggled with the whole thing and it took me ages (have I ever really got it over is a perhaps a question for a different thread) to get with it so to speak. I can't even put it into words how hard it was for my wife (on every level) and I'd never even consider my hardship to be on any level the same as hers. Then or now.