Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

He will be back.

It’s possible she doesn’t know he’s married.

I would be getting in touch with OW to tell her that he’s married with two kids, one of them a baby. She may not know. Then I’d also be telling his parents.

Oh darling. I’m so sorry. He is a lying, cheating, revolting turd of a “man”, sub par on all levels. May his dick fall off.
That said, it’s time to focus on you. You, who have single-handedly grown and given birth to two entire people - you can certainly deal with one lying weasel.
Firstly, get an appointment with a solicitor. Legal advice is needed here to see exactly where you stand financially.
Secondly, call in reinforcements in the form of friends and family. Tell them everything, rant, rave, cry, scream to them or when you are alone, because the third thing is to GREY ROCK the shit out of this loser. Fake it til you make it is the way to go. Think of the biggest badass you know and channel her. Cool, calm collected. That fucker does not get to see a single tear from you, not one, because he simply doesn’t deserve it.
He will be back, whining and sniffling and grovelling. But by that point, you may very well have realised you actually don’t need him at all? Who needs a “husband” who turns into a monster at the sight of miss shiny new minge? He has shown himself to be weak, spineless and selfish. You however, are not. You’ve got this op. Onwards, with us all cheering you on xxx

As an older mumsnetter I have seen so many friends go through this. Lessons learned. It is horrid when a man you have loved turns out to be a complete shit and it does take some adjustment, especially with DCs. You need to deal with the emotional impact, lean on friends and also consider counselling. Also go into practical mode. Good solicitor get your ducks in a row to get your fair share of assets. Take into account if he will lie about an affair he will also lie about finances, so make sure you forensically look at this area.

At some stage he is likely to find the new life is not what he expects. Be strong then and never take him back. Once a shit, always a shit.

If it is of any help, I have seen so many of these scenarios over the past half century. Virtually all the partners that leave repent at leisure and the injured party goes on to have a better life. Nothing better follows. Unfortunately, you will just need to fight on until such day your husband sees the error of his ways by which time it will be too late and you will have moved onto to pastures new. Stand up, be strong, and get everything you can out of him. Be a strict co-parenter. Don't give in and day by day you will get by. Life is not a bed of roses but even if it were, let your husband be the one to feel the thorns, not you. You've got this.

Lots of good advice here. He is a selfish awful person and not your friend anymore. Find your angry.

Go see a solicitor ASAP.

A better life awaits you OP. Go find it. Good luck

Or too stupid to take it in.

So sorry love. It will hurt now but your life will ultimately get so much better without him dragging you down.

Oh and he will try and worm his way back once your solicitor gets in touch and his younger fling realises it's not much fun being with someone who has no money and kids to look after.

Anyway, OP, we are all here for you.

Unfair to automatically blame her, sounds like OP’s husband could spin her a yarn if he’s been lying to OP for months

I understand your anguish. It hurts like hell.

It's over. Protect yourself and your babies.

Get RL friend to stay with you this week. While he's out, get the locks changed and throw out all of his stuff into the garden!

Hire a divorce lawyer. You'll never be able to trust him again. No counselling will ever be able to paper over the cracks.

You are going to be strong! You are worthy!!! He does not deserve you!
Don't change your mind - that's where a live in bestie comes in.

Sorry for your distress. I wish I could give you a hug.

Most men will put their dick above everything else. Their dick is more important than their wife, children and the comfortable life he has. He give it all up to benefit his dick.

Get angry, divorce him and I wouldn't be hiding the reason why from friends and family either.

I'm blaming him as well.

OP I am sorry you are going through this. My exH left me at 4 months pregnant and with a SEN child for another woman. Like you he completely rewrote our shared history and blamed me for everything. I just want to say 18 months on I am happier in almost every way. He showed me that he wasn't the person I thought he was it was like looking at an alien in place of the person I thought he was. Now I have a peaceful life and I don't have to deal with the gas lighting or complete lack of respect. He has tried to worm his way back many times, turns out the grass wasn't greener but I am stronger and there is no way I would change where I am now. You have had lots of great advice on PP but I just wanted to come on and say yes the pain was visceral and almost broke me at the time but it will be okay, you are stronger than you know. It's a real rollercoaster, allow yourself to have those feelings and try to take it a day at a time.

We are all here for you, you are not alone.

The man is a dreadful excuse for a human. Want more for yourself, realise you are worth more and find your anger.

You don’t need him, sure you think you do now, but you don’t need people like that in your life, he is a total shit to do this to you.

Get onto the solicitor, know your rights and for goodness sake don’t take the prick back!! Xxx

This immature, irresponsible, disloyal, abusive dipstick is not fit to lick your boots.
He’s not even good enough as hard core for the patio.
Give yourself and your little ones a better life by building a firm barrier to keep him out as much as possible.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Sending three hugs your way, one for each of you.

@Peanutbutterislife
Ohh lovely allow yourself those tears ❤️ but don’t let yourself be down for too long.
this is a shock and heartbreaking at 1st and so hard and you’ll feel that you won’t survive!
But let me tell you this- you will!!! And you will be the best Mum and have the best life with your 2 beautiful babies.
how do I know this? Because this was me, my ex DH threw out life away for wine, women and song! And guess what? I’m glad he did!!! I wasn’t at the time as I was completely heartbroken and didn’t ever think I would survive but I did! I now have two beautiful DD’s.
one 27 and one 21- DD 27 has been through uni, excelling in her career and just about to buy her dream home with her partner.
DD21 is still at uni but will come a long at with a top class degree .
and your children will excel in life too as they have a mother who loves them and will always put them 1st
your DH isn’t doing that! He’s putting himself 1st.
I promise you will survive!!
as others have suggested tell someone in RL.
it takes a village ❤️ and don’t ever blame yourself ❤️

Hi OP

Man here, other way round, but my beloved wife did the same to me, cheated, deceived and cleared off - I absolutely get how you feel, the visceral pain in your heart, the tears and the desperation.

Just wanted to say it WILL get better, it will take some time, the love and pain you feel will turn for a time to hatred and you will feel bloody angry, then that will fade to apathy and you will be able to move on and chart a new course.

Your DH, like my DW are not worth having, once a cheat, manipulator, liar, always so, you are better off (even though you don't yet know it) knowing their true colours and being rid.

Take care, it will get easier, life will be good again!

How will you get through this?

Well if he’s still there get up and start packing his bags for him to leave. He wants out - well off he goes. Doesn’t get to hang around in limbo.

Honestly if he can’t do it now whilst the relationship is relatively new and with the joy of young children then you are better off without him.

He sounds despicable, childish, selfish and essentially he sounds like he is not cut out for parenting. Nit being your number 1 and having to prioritise things other than himself is not working for him. Hard as this is, you will ultimately be better off without him. I know it is, and will continue to be difficult. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is better to be alone than in a bad relationship with an awful person. If he had stayed, he would have made you miserable. Get a good lawyer and get every penny you are entitled to.

My situation was very different, but I so understand that feeling that you ‘have’ to end the relationship and there is no going back. It takes such strength to hold firm and not contact other than the purely practical. Find people you can call when all you want to do is call him, write here rather than text him, and write how you feel down. All this helps you hold strong until you feel stronger. 🌺

So very sad for you - another inadequate man-baby.
You will get a lot of advice here from wise MNs.
Many will be going through the same horrible time as you or gone through it and emerged as a new woman in a much happier place.
Be strong for your little ones, you’ll get through this!

I'm so sorry for you and cannot recommend enough that you don’t let him control the situation and timelines from now on. Take the wind out of his sails and be decisive, try and save your tears for friends and family as he’ll use those to further justify his decision.
get legal advice and let him know that you have. Tell his family and his friends- as unemotionally as possible- what he’s done and that you don’t accept his behavior.
The last thing he wants right now is for you to be dignified and to let him know he’s burnt his bridges, so do that if you possibly can. It’ll make him cast doubt on his shitty decisions.
maybe speak to a counselor who specializes in relationship breakdowns. Remember, you’re grieving right now.
I guarantee you that in the long run you will have peace with your behavior but he will realise one day what a terrible mistake he has made.

It seems on here so many men can’t cope with the reality of what parenting brings. It’s shit and I’m sorry. But my marriage ended and I look back at the man I married and feel nothing but relief a few years later. You will get through it. Take one day at a time. Get some therapy and look after you.