Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

This in buckets.

Doing it all alone (even though I get the idea you’re already doing 99%) IS hard, yes. But living with this vile creature is going to be harder.

He has to go. Where isn’t your concern.

You need to find time to settle into the chaos of single parenthood and form a routine prior to going back to work. I promise you’ll be ok.

Please tell him he needs to go.

She's already ditched him. Now he wants to be in for the fun bits of family life and fuck back off when it suits him.

I just can't imagine thinking the world, and one's own family, revolves around one's own wishes like that. It's an almost sociopathic way of treating people.

Not ALL relationships end one way or another at all I’ve been with my bloke 10 years ridiculous thing to say

Silly silly man.

We all get attracted to others - we are all human. It is what we do about it that matters and what he has done is beyond stupid.

You will all pay the price for his stupidity. You are right to be angry.

If you are not breast feeding the 10month old ad he is still at home I would be tempted to go away for a week and leave him with the kids. If he complains I'd say you are devastated and need a week to come to terms with what he has done. He obviously doesn't care about you so you are equally not taking his needs into account. You never get space either so you are taking some. If he needs to take a week off work for child care so be it - emergency parental leave. He very likely thinks he can just swan off with his new partner and leave you with all the responsibility. Let him get a taste of being treated like shit too.

@Peanutbutterislife
he has since said he still likes our family times and doesn’t want to lose those (aka still do outings/holidays etc)

Whatever you decide re the parenting split and the housing situation, you are under no obligation whatsoever to go along with "playing happy families" for fun times and special occasions.
Don't let him talk you into this 'for the sake of the children'. It won't be for the sake of the children, they won't care and won't know any different as they are still so young. It will be entirely for HIM, to join you for the fun while you do 95% of the organising and parenting and work behind the scenes.

Don't do this - over time you will just fool yourself into thinking that your "relationship" with him is better than it actually is (whether you are officially in a relationship or not). You will see him through rose-coloured glasses during the fun times, and tend to mentally forget or downplay what a selfish and weak person he really is.

Just No.

The answer is that he sees the children for contact time without you. He has fun and family outings with them, without you. He organises and pays for activities for him and them, without you.

You’ve got this ❤️

What a selfish, childish man. You will eventually realise you're better off without him.

I would get the ball rolling and get the divorce started yourself. Get the best lawyer you can afford. Put in your claim for child maintenance at the same time.

HA so he's dumped before he's even out of the house?

Kick him out, let him enjoy the consequences of his own actions.

What an absolute fool, falling for a fling who didn't even take him seriously.

Lots of good advice on here OP. Lots of MNrs rooting for you.

Please, please, please tell both your families. I kept quiet about all my ExHs affairs because I felt is was MY shame for not being a good enough wife. When I finally found the strength to end the marriage my parents were totally shocked, my ILs didn’t believe their darling boy would be as bad as I was saying and my solicitors kindly informed me that because the affairs I could prove were over 2 years ago, I couldn’t cite adultery, only unreasonable behaviour. In the eyes of the law I was deemed to have condoned his adultery.

It was hard, but my DCs were teenagers, so easier than you have it at the moment OP. However, once I made my decision I felt the biggest sense of relief and have only had fleeting moments of any regret. And they were mostly, why didn’t I do it much sooner?!

My DCs are married with kids, to very kind people and they learned a lot about how not to be married from all my years of trying to single-handedly keep a marriage going. Now I’m remarried to the kindest man who my DCs love and who they recognise treats me how a real man should treat his wife.

This happened to me with three kids under the age of 5. My then husband got up and left, flaunted the new woman in front of mutual friends, boasted about his sex life with her and 6 months later said he made the biggest mistake and wanted to come back. There was no coming back I have now been remarried for ten years and far happier. This pain won’t last forever and you will slowly find him pathetic which he is .

You could be me, twenty-five years ago. My situation was slightly different because we were living in a foreign country and he went off with a local woman twenty years younger. At the time, it felt to me as if he'd murdered something: our life together, I guess. But it all turned out for the best: my life since then has been better than I could possibly have imagined. Yours will too.

You've had plenty of excellent advice, so instead, I'll tell you a story. A few years ago my ex moved back to the UK with his two small daughters for work. His new spouse had to wait over a year for a visa. I said to my DS, now a young man, "I feel sorry for your dad, having to work full time and raise two kids all on his own."

DS looked me in the eye and said, "Why are you sorry for him? You had to do the same thanks to him and you did it brilliantly. Now he can see what it's like."

It's going to be hard for a while, but it'll be all right in the end. Good luck!

Sounds like he's laying down the groundwork to come back to you but he wants you to do the pick me dance and be grateful for his return.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Tell him to leave.

I went through this 10 years ago when my child was 18 months. He moved on straight away had another child. Won’t lie it was very hard at the time. You do get through it though and the bitterness goes away. I am at the stage now where I never have to see him and it’s great.

Try to find support in real life. It must be tough having 2 very young kids. He’s an absolute man child.

Just to add he has now split from OW but none of them can afford to move out so they are living together. My DD does not even stay over anymore because it’s not a nice atmosphere.

i happily life a peaceful life with my child.

Death ?

It can be more tiring to have someone around who stresses you.

My DH and I aren't in the same situation, but he's travelled for work. It's more like a break, even with young children. Reasons: The routine has to accommodate one less person; I'm the only adult so it's me who sets the rhythm without having to take another adult into account; when there are quiet moments, it's my quiet moment, I don't have to share it or meet the needs of a partner at those times; less mess; the routine is more relaxed.

You might be surprised how it works out when he isn't around and you decide how things will be. He doesn't get to play happy families either. He made his choices.

He got dumped and now he’s going to try to crawl back until some other one catches his eye. What a scum bag.

it seems hard, but move him out to his parents, his mate, anyone and suck up those tough nights. Ask for help - do you have family or friends who could support you a little?

whatever you do, don’t let you needing help be the reason you let him back. He will do this to you again if you do.

I would bet my kids uni fund on you ending up happy and him ending up alone.

Im in a similar situation but with just the one older child. I would try and get him to move out. Don’t underestimate how emotionally exhausting and traumatic it is to share your home with a man like this. He’s stayed in the house and I’ve felt it’s like being retraumatised each day, there’s no space to breathe, it’s a constant background of tension. Two littles on your own will be hard but it may be more emotionally peaceful for you. You can also send the children to him and get a breather.

Mine also did the days out speech too, and it didnt work for me. It was like ‘here is what you could have had’, so close to the family life we could have had if he wasn’t a dick. You each need your own space to enjoy your children away from each other. These men just want to benefit of your labour to make the days easier and ease their conscience for fucking up their children’s family.

Ultimately this whole thing is a process and you will get there in time. There may be things you try that don’t work but it’s all part of the growth and you’ll know not to do it again. Bright things ahead my love ❤️

Ask him to take the kids with him …. See if that would change his mind.

on a serious note - you need to ensure he does his share for the kids as you will now have to secure your own future and needs the time.

Kick him out and end the family time. You can rest when he takes the children for his time.
Do not let this man have his cake and eat it.

He is fucking someone else !! Get angry op and get him out from under your roof. Set up a proper shared care and I think once he is gone you will.begin to recover

He will want to use you for house and easy life op. Dont let him

It will be emotionally easier without him in the house

My God these men are so PATHETIC. Leaving his wife and kids because he’s not the centre of the universe any more. What a total bell end. The men that do this, and the women who encourage it, should be absolutely shunned by society. They are a disgrace.

I’m so sorry OP. Try to stop crying, and start getting mad. What a wanker. You deserve better.

That's what these men do.

They leave their tiny children. A newborn and a four year old. They just leave.

They are ok with that. They think it's ok.

And they are okay with the fact that the woman, his wife, will pick up the pieces for the rest of her life.

As PP's have said - get mad. Get very mad.