Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

It’s really telling that he’s not envisioning you with anyone else. I’m sure a new relationship is last thing in mind but in time you may move on. It’s hardly going to work with You, new partner and the children on holiday and him tagging along.

Get. Him. Out. Trust me x

He needs to go. I would be moving forward with divorce proceedings. Instinct tells me isn't very contrite or reflective about what he has done. It's funny the OW doesn't want him but that's not your problem

Ugh. Haven't read everything. Couldn't read and run. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Beautiful, intelligent women get cheated on. (Shakira...Victoria Beckham...many more I'm sure). He doesn't care about you or the new lady - just wants an ego boost.

It happened to me too. More than a decade later, even though I'm remarried, it still does sting a bit. Couldn't care less about him, but been painted as an awful mother for years, and of course the kids don't remember the times HE was rubbish.

Anyway, honestly he did me a favour. I would have stuck it out for the kids for years, even though I knew deep down we weren't suited. Ive now got a much happier life with someone much much better, who I've been able to truly be myself with.

I remember my ex getting quite narked when I got off the mat and got legal advice and starting laying out what the divorce would involve. He seemed most upset that I wasn't just going to wave him on his way and wish him well. Most important to remember...do not believe anything he says about the legalities or what will happen. A lot of women are intimidated into not advocating for themselves and accept what they are told by arrogant, patronising bellends.

I think you’ll be better with him out of the house.
What are finances like eg can he rent a flat or will he need to move in with his mum.
Another option is children stay in house and you both switch in and out if you have somewhere to stay.
He can walk away from you but not the children. You don’t need to make longterm plans but discuss their care over next few days. Ensure you have time and space.
So this weekend how will things look, it’s a bank holiday so 3 days to divide up. You don’t need to explain what you are doing when children not with you.

You’ve mentioned going back to work in 3 weeks. Do check policies and ideally speak to your manager, you may be able to take longer unpaid.
I’d also book STD tests for your peace of mind.
Is your 4 yr old starting school? Let school know what is happening.

I haven't read the whole thread, but my husband had an affair when my kids were similar ages to yours. At the time I just couldn't imagine being on my own with two tiny children, and so I forgave him and he stayed. Fast forward a few years and he left anyway. He was just another selfish shit of a man who decided walking out on his family to pursue relationships with other women was ok. And he sees the kids a couple of times a week and everyone thinks he's a great dad. Would I be regarded as a great mum if it were all the other way round?

He wanted to continue with the nice bits of family life such as holidays, and we did for a while as I was desperate to hold on to my family. Once he met someone else though knowing he was playing happy families just when it suited him ate me up inside. So now I have as little to do with him as possible. He's an utter prick who doesn't deserve my friendship or to be part of my family.

Sorry, long winded and probably not helpful, but with hindsight I wish I'd found my anger sooner and divorced him all those years ago. I don't think these pathetic excuses for men ever change. It's so hard though, and I wish you and your children all the very best. You will get through it. Easy for me to say, but you're better off without him x

He should ideally move out do 50% nights, for both DC. At least you will be able to recuperate some sleep, & he wont be jolly, free & single as he will be having ti be a parent.

Divorce him and get what you can while hes feeling guilty. You WILL be ok. It actually might have a Kick up the Arse effect where he realises what hes done

Good advice re the days out. Totally agree.. He does the days out on his own,. get him used to it and have a break at the weekend yourself!

Im not clear if he's back or asking to come back.
If he's already back use him as people have said. Although that really depends on how reliable he actually is in terms of childcare at least. If he comes back and won't do nights iwth the baby - what use is he?

In practical terms you have three weeks before return to work. Hang onto that job! I remember so well how hard it was to leave two children and return to work - but I was not working in a friendly or supportive place - but even then it is nice to have a change and working from doing childcare. However, although the new routine will be hard at first, things will very soon settle down. Don't let the return to work distract you from you main goal. Get as much help and support as you can during this time. If he's not there could a grandparent come and stay over for a night a week to help out? Or just come for an evening so you can re group and reorganise.

I was quite disorganised at first... but getting into a routine of having all the snacks/bottles sorted at the weekend or the night before... all the clothing and baby/todder bags packed the night before made all the difference.
Have a work tote, where you can bung all the stuff you might need as you go through the day so you are not looking as you are running out the door, so that you don't have to look for everything. Keep a spare set of work makeup/hairbrush etc. in there too. Your own clothes laid out top to toe so you just have to step into them. All these small things will help you feel more in control..

If he's already back and you think he might be of any use at all over this transition period then its up to you. If he's not pulling his weight.. its not worth having him there at all. Out he goes. You don't want a third child lying around doing nothing. Don't do any chores for him either.

In your first post you said "He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused."

His remarks making you feel unattractive and not good enough were despicable and he cannot be allowed to continue making them. (in fact him saying that was almost him putting the blame on you for his having an affair, because you weren't doing enough to be attractive to him. So those comments are worthless because well, he wanted to make you feel bad and as if everything was your fault.

Don't let him try any of this crap during this time. Or when co-parenting.

I'd almost treat him as you would a very very difficult colleague that you have to handle in order to get them to complete a task, don't let them get too familiar, keep at arm's length, don't initiate conversations or try too hard to be civil, or ask advice or give him any more excuses to put you down. He is too pathetic for his words to have any power over you any more.

PS.. DONT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF PAYING FOR THE ALL OF THE CHILDCARE FROM YOUR WAGES. If he's in the house, It's a joint expense - he's not allowed to wiggle out of that one.
Pay all your wages into your own account and savings. He puts children money in the joint.

I’d also add any previously agreed arrangements re what work and childcare would look like is up for negotiation. You aren’t together. Do not run yourself ragged doing 2 school/nursery runs, taking all days off when they are sick etc prioritising his job. You need to do what’s best for you and children.

OP, I would take other people's advice and encourage him to take both children out on his own for extended periods of time so he gets used to being a single parent, and use that time to rest and to make plans to secure your own future.

Make sure he changes nappies, mixes milk, bathes the baby etc, as ALL THIS will be his sole responsibility for the 50% of time that he has the children. (Let him believe it will be 50/50.) Discuss whether to get a small flat that you can each live in for a few days a week while the other is home with the children as that would be cheaper for you both than him renting a place with three bedrooms for them.

Keep calmly reminding him of the realities. Pretend not to even consider the possibility that the pathetic little scrote is trying to worm his way out of his responsibilities towards his newborn child and his four-year-old. Pretend you assume he is still entirely committed to being the best father he can be. Watch him change his mind after a few broken nights and nappy explosions.