Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

So sorry @Peanutbutterislife of course you don’t deserve any of this - lots of wise mn’s will be along in a minute with practical advice and many of them having been through the same thing. Has he left the house?? My advice would be to tell someone in real life - family ? Friend? Take time to process the shock. Know that your gut was right. He is not the person you thought he was. Don’t do the pick me dance… you keep your head held high and you do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane whilst you process this new future.

Ultimately, he’s not the man you thought he was… in which case you are better off without him!

You do not need to ‘get back in shape to be attractive to’ someone who is a good partner. This told me a lot about the sort of twat he is.
You’re worth more @Peanutbutterislife

big hug xxxxxxx

I’m so sorry. He is a twat!

You’ve not done Anything wrong having two small kids is HARD and it completely changes a marriage and wears it down. He obviously finds the idea of running away from his family responsibilities very appealing and this young girl is just a way to do that. Eventually she won’t be young anymore and he’ll have the exact same issues if he ever has more children. I would get legal advice quickly, you’re married which means you may be entitled to far more than you realise. Me and DH almost crumbled under the weight of 2 under 2 and SEN needs and I found out from a solicitor I could basically wipe him out completely financially (some of that was due to the SEN child but I don’t know how much) tbh I think that influenced his decision to stay at one point. He may think he holds all the cards and can just decide to leave but it doesn’t work that way anymore he has kids and responsibilities.

Im so sorry you’re going through this but try to get angry rather than sad xx

Oh my dear. What an absolute fool he is. This is going to hurt for now, but one day you will wake up and realise you were better off without him, I promise. x I'm so sorry. This isn't fair, it isn't your fault. and do not not beat yourself up about your post- pregnancy body for one moment. You have been growing his beautiful baby, and if he doesn't appreciate that then more fool him. Make yourself a cup of tea, soon the world will be awake and you can call a friend or your Mum. For now have a hug from me. xx

He’s going to make a stupid decision that he’s going to soon regret. As other posters have highlighted, get some advice on your entitlement as you are married.
Hes a full blown idiot - find a family member or friend you can talk to and be strong. And when he realises what an idiot he has been make sure he doesn’t try to worm his cheating ass back into your life.

You will get through this. There will be times when you feel you won’t but you will.

Others will be along with practical advice but let him go. You are worth more.

Do you have RL support? Do you have people or someone in RL to be there for you atm?

MNetters can and will advise you and support you, but imo you also need some real life support atm

Your husband is obviously a childish egotistical arsehole. And he's treating you appallingly.

It's much better to find this out age 33. But I appreciate it'll be so so difficult now.

I promise promise promise that this situation will get better and you will find the light again

Keep posting. Take the advice. Breathe. And remember that you're a fucking GODDESS

From a hard facts prospective , he might think he can just walk away for a life free from responsibility but he is wrong . He has two children to co parent .
I get that he might not be able to take your tiny baby for days out / overnighters but he can your 4 year old .
He should also ( if your not breastfeeding ) have them together to give you time to do something for yourself .
As much as you want to keep your kids close . Do not allow him to shirk his responsibilities and think he can swan off and leave you to bring up his children .

Oh my gosh the kindness of other women even at this time of day has made me cry even more! Thank you from the bottom of my heart everyone. It means so much ❤️🩹. I’ll keep reading these again and again xxx

Oh @Peanutbutterislife I wish I could hug you. I hear your pain. I promise you that it does get better with time.

What you're experiencing now is grief. Grief for the life you thought you had and grief for the life you will no longer have.

Your anger will kick in soon. Use it to fight hard to get what you and your babies need for the future. It's sounds like he's already hardened. You need to too.

Ring a solicitor that specialises in divorce as soon as they open today.

And don't waste energy thinking about what you might do if he chooses to come back. That's a might/maybe/future issue. Keep your mind and strength focused on dealing with the here and now.

All the best.

Edited to add: He's a bastard.

And he's choosing to lie to himself about the great life you had as he's trying to convince himself leaving is the best thing for everyone long term when in fact it's only best, and easier, for him.

I am so sorry OP.
Have a read through the relationships board. There is a wealth of good advice on there. In particular look for advice on "getting your ducks in a row".
Speed is of the essence before he hides or prevents access to the information and paperwork you need to give to your solicitor.
It does sound as if he has no interest in counselling or working on the relationship.

It is good that you are perceptive enough to realise that, even if he came back, you could not and would not take him back. He broke the most precious thing in his life, and one day he will probably realise what an idiot he is.

You are clearly very level headed, and this will stand you in good stead.

Practicalities:
Gather all financial documentation - bank statements, investments, pensions, P60s, house deeds, mortgage…..everything.
Knowledge is power: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitors’ websites
Consult with a competent family solicitor.

This will seem overwhelming right now but you’ll get there, one step at a time 💐

Sorry to say, it’s not unusual for men to feel displaced when there’s a baby in the house. They’ve been used to having their dp to themselves, and now twos company, threes a crowd.

You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s an idiot. Let him go.

I agree with the person above who says you’re experiencing grief. You thought you had the 2:4 family set up. He’s changed all that, and now yog’re having to adjust to a new future.

My ex had an affair when DD was 2. We separated 2.5 years ago, and life is so much brighter. I only have one child to worry about now. He has ASD, but very high functioning, and used to use it as an excuse. He didn’t want to end the marriage but I felt I had no option given what he had done.

I promise it gets better. Focus on the next chunk of time in front of you whether it’s a few hours or just a few minutes, and get through that. The rest will all come.

Remember you can never trust him. Seek legal advice for the divorce/child arrangements. You never know he might want to swan off into the sunset and not be very interested in the children (which from a mum perspective isn’t a bad option). My ex doesn’t see DD loads and it’s set to reduce further as she is about to start school. He will see her one weekend morning a week and then a bit more in school hols, that’s it. No overnights, no whole days. I reduced contact to a period of just a few hours on the advice of a solicitor because he was being neglectful and he has never asked to increase it (nor has DD, occasionally she tells me she doesn’t want to go, she is 5).

There are lots of great things still to happen in your life. Let that pillock take himself out the way.

So sorry for your pain.

it is a cliché. His nasty behaviour. Claiming he’s not been happy for a long time. Blah blah blah blah. The script.

And You have to endure his bs and cope every day.

I too have been through it. And you will get through it. You will see the lightness. But it’s a trudge towards it.

Keep your dignity. Don’t beg him for anything. Be icily polite. He is not your friend. You cannot trust him.

See a solicitor asap. Start divorce proceedings.

When reality hits, they often start bleating and want to come back. You can take him back. But you will always be anxious because he’s one of those who has affairs. They don’t change. I eventually chose peace of mind over my ex. Mind you, he had at least three affairs.

All power to you. I hope you can recognise quickly that you have power and that you can get through this horror show.

Oh and everyone will know what a shit human he is. It’s incredibly rare for a marriage to breakdown with two small children and it not be because someone has been an arsehole. And it’s so obviously him, you can’t spin leaving you for someone else when there are two tiny children into anything defensible. He’s shown who he is, and you will be glad in the medium term to be shot of him. You don’t want to model your marriage as an example to your children.

I have zero regrets. It’s still a bit ‘weird’ after being together so long but I’ve never missed him.

I am so so sorry OP, he’s an arsehole, you and your children both deserve better. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but I promise you this really is a blessing in disguise- you should never have to beg for love and respect.

I hope you have some real life support- lean on them, the people who truly love you want to help you, let them. This is just a season, a really shit season, but just a season xx

I’m so sorry. I am currently going through the same thing as you. Just trying to take one day at a time

I'm sorry OP.
When did you find out? As sad as it is to reslise life isnt going to look the way you thought it was, that's because he isn't what you thought he was. You're grieving something that wasn't real and that's a devestating realisation bit in time you'll get to the point you are glad you aren't wasting so much time and effort on someone who doesn't deserve it.
That doesn't make it feel better right now, but it won't always feel like it does right now. 💐

All of the above. You are going to be a warrior!

Knock down seven. Get up eight. You can do this @Peanutbutterislife Many have trodden the path you have taken the first step on to. For that reason alone, you are NOT alone.

I think you need to find your angry.

id be laughing my arse off that he thinks he gets to walk away with no responsibility. What an absolute twat and misogynistic too. Why does he get to walk away?

I’d want to call his bluff. I’d want to pack a bag and say nahhh fuck this thank you very much, this isn’t the life for me either - I’m off, you can have the kids. Put him through some torture for the day. Except this wouldn’t be fair on the kids to witness so I’d only do this if they were at nursery or something.

What a fucking cliché - you need to find your angry for sure

It won't last long with the thick bitch he's run to, especially when he has the kids overnight. Even then, don't take him back. Get yourself some real life support and a good lawyer.

Agree. Get him out.

He's an immature, irresponsible loser. You're far above him - you value those you love and you're a responsible mother. That's why you cannot fathom how he can behave like this. You cannot fix him. He has a major character deficit and you need to leave him behind.

You have strengths you didn't know you have. You know who he is now & don't fall for any shit when he comes crawling back.

Get angry. And be relieved you have found his true colours.

The entitlement of men astounds me.

Tell him he doesn't get to walk away from HIS children and that he shall be having the 4 Yr old 50/50 starting now.

Let's see how long the young GF hangs around when he has children in tow.