Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

Good grief. People can be wrong for each other but usually it’s best for him to spit that out BEFORE marriage or kids. Prick.

See how he likes 50/50. Do not ever take this piece of shit back, you are worth more. He clearly has contempt for you.

OP, I am so sorry to read this. A lot of women on here have been through this, myself included, and know exactly what you are going through/feeling. It will get better in time, but I know that you won't see that for a while. It was 13 years ago for me when XH walked out on me and then 4yo DD. He did the "I'm not happy, I don't love you any more" speech, while claiming that his new "friend" was just a friend. (He is married to her now). It was such a shock to me that I threw up. He had given no idea that he was unhappy, and life had been normal up to that point.

It's such a cliché, but things will get better over time, and it takes longer for some than others. Be kind to yourself, get support from friends and family. Eat little and often, get help with your DC. Get signed off work if necessary (if you are working). Get yourself some counselling to talk through everything. You do need to grieve the loss of him and the relationship.

Once they fall for someone else, you become the enemy and everything that is wrong in their life. You want to work on it, but he checked out a long time ago.

Don't beg him to come back. You need to realise that he is a different person now to the one that you think you know. They do turn into cold hard strangers. Everything will be your fault. They will spin it to others that he had no choice but to leave you. Meanwhile most people will think he is a piece of shit for leaving 2 small children.

He won't understand how you feel, he will want you to deal with it and move on. Meanwhile, you are grieving for the end of your marriage, and the end of life as you knew it, and also for the loss of the future that you thought you would have.

I am 13 years on now, my life is ok, I remain single by choice. He moved on and recreated our family with someone else and sees DD around once a year, his choice. He moved away, didn't call or see her regularly. Only time will tell how good a father your H is, but you do need to separate the 2 issues, husband/father. He can still be a good father if he wants to be.

You need to get all your financial info together, as others are saying, copy everything, pensions, life insurance, mortgage, savings, premium bonds. I know somebody who took all their savings, said he had no pension etc, so you need the evidence of whatever you have, to take to a solicitor.

Get online and see if you are entitled to any benefits, make sure the child benefit is in your name if you are entitled to it, and look at how much he should be paying you in maintenance.

I know that it all seems like a bit much, but the more prepared you are, the less scared you will be.

Keep posting on here for support

I've been in your position before.

With me he left and the younger woman wasn't interested in a man in his thirties with two kids.

I moved on. He remained single and bitter. He presented himself as a victim and got plenty of support from even some of my family members. Which was difficult. People treat men and women differently after a break up I found. I took up hobbies, got fit. Changed my appearance. Dated loads.

Using all the red flags I'd become aware of from the ex I found someone who would never treat me that way and worships the ground I walk on. I became genuinely happy to be alone so anyone in my life had to add to it.

The ex has recently got a gf and dumped both his kids for her and they're realising what a rotten person he is.

I know your heart is breaking right now but at somepoint you will look back from a place of happiness and realise he just wasn't good enough.

Oh these men. Aren't they pathetic? They choose to marry and start families then find it hard, so they start believing they are a special case who was destined for a life more extraordinary, despite being thoroughly average individuals, and it is their partner (who they CHOSE to marry) who is holding them in back in their pursuit of greatness. So they then start punishing her for it and looking for a younger untainted version who will massage their ego.

You will be devastated and overwhelmed, OP. But soon you will find your anger and inner fire. Use it.

For now confide in a friend of family member - if not your mother then do you have a sister or cousin you are close to? When similar happened to me my sister and cousin were amazing. You will get through this - take it one day at a time.

Small consolation perhaps but just think the other woman will never be able to trust him. After all he's a man who thinks it's fine to jump ship when he changes his mind. If he would leave his young children behind, he sure as heck will have no problem leaving behind a 'fling' woman.

Her days are numbered and he has shown himself to be no prize worth being upset about.

Completely understand your devastation of course. The rug has been pulled out from under you, not to mention you have young children and are probably still recovering from the birth etc. Cry, scream, talk to others but keep your eye on the ball which is protecting you and the kids financially and practical wise. Don't trust him an inch now no matter what he says.

So sorry this is happening to you. Some humans are just awful.

Be sure to come back and update us in 6 months or 2 years when he comes crawling back missing you and the kids and you slam the door in his face.

There is a whole world of brilliant advice on tik tok. There is a solicitor called something like 'The divorce fairy'. She has posted many many videos that will answer a lot of your immediate questions ( and questions that will pop into your head at 3am. ) I wished she had been around 30 years ago when I needed her.

You're far too good for him OP. That's crystal clear from a single paragraph. A better, more rewarding life is out there for you - it might include a wonderful partner or it might not - it will be fabulous though. Just know that you're worth far more than his sad little ass.

The only reason he came into your life was to give you those two beautiful children. You were meant to be their mama (presumably because their father is an asshole and they needed an amazing one).

@Peanutbutterislife

youre better off without him. He sounds like a prick. You can get someone way better, or be single which is also a great option.

His fling won't last. That's guaranteed. His ego will be pushed from a great height once she gets bored and moves on. I bet you he will have you lined up as his Plan B in case this happens. Don't do it. If he's done it once he'll do it again and you deserve more.

This is so true. My ex made no secret of the fact that he planned to come back to me, if it didn't work out with the OW ...... I've never experienced such arrogance.

Edited to add: that by the time he wanted to come back, I had already met someone else!

Ensure he doesn't opt out of his 50% of kid time. Use that time to heal yourself. Grieve your relationship and dreams of the future. See a counsellor if you need to. Do activities for yourself like exercise classes. Rest. Regroup. Recover.

Definitely. If he's going, then he has 50/50. Not a minute less.

Op you sound like a lovely person and do not deserve this tragic excuse for a man.

Not much to add to all the excellent advice here but hope that one day you can look back with relief that you didn’t waste any more of your life with this person.

Oh OP, this is brutal.
Some good practical advice already shared, but just a reminder that this whole situation says everything about him, and nothing about you ❤️ There isn’t anything you could’ve done differently. A man who wants to cheat, will cheat.

In years to come, I am so sure you will feel lucky to have got out of this relationship so young. But it’s too early to see any of that right now. Allow yourself to grieve the love you’ve lost, feel all the emotions, but keep your vulnerable side for the people who love you and that you can trust. D(ickhead soon to be ex)H can receive the professional side of you only. Ideally via a lawyer. Focus on what’s best for you & your babies. You’re stronger than you realise x

You really don’t need to hate him. I understand you are dreadfully hurt and disappointed, but you can’t force someone to love you or want you. You have to move forward with grace, and your head held high.

All relationships end one way or another, and he has chosen to cheat and leave you for someone else. That is all on him. You can’t change or control it. Best advice is to focus on your future, you and DC. Get legal advice asap. Get all the relevant financial information you need. Only confide in completely trusted friends. This man is no longer your friend, but you can co parent effectively and have a rather lovely life without him in it. 💐

He has a 10 month old and a 4 year old and he expects "time to himself"? asshole

Don't take this guy back if he tries OP

Find your anger OP and don't do the pick me dance. He's shown you that he has zero regard for you or your children.

So use your time wisely, find pension statements, bank info and document it all. You still have bills to pay and he is still responsible for them.
Oh course give yourself time to grieve but in the evenings during the day get your ducks in a row.
Lean on people for support and be up front and honest with people. This has nothing to do with you and purely down to his selfish behaviour.

A marriage is not looking over your shoulder and you are worth way way more. Think about what you would say to a friend in your situation and channel that.

You know he's not going to take the children 50/50, he wants "time to himself" remember?

Oh he may THREATEN that he's going to take them 50/50 to keep you in line.

So yes, talk 50/50 from the start. Be the reasonable polite one. Strategy.

But in reality -

The little bit on the side is not going to want her sexy fling saddled with small children, as the call on his time and money or the endless guilt-inducing evidence that she FAFO.

And he is not going to want his fantasy of being a free spirit saddled with them 50/50.

You will of course find all the parenting falls on you.

Ensure then that he pays every single penny and does every single duty he owes his children. Stay friendly with his family, facilitate them meeting with your children, keep them on side.

Just came back on after taking the kids out for the morning and I am actually in shock at the kind generous beautiful words from everyone. I am in disbelief of the love out there, makes me realise how much more I deserve.

I am beyond grateful and it’s made me already feel so much strong and ANGRYYYYYYYYYY

Whuch is good I guess better than sadness. Of course it’ll come in waves but I am going to read these messages again and again and again.

wish I could reply to them all, maybe I will slowly 😆💕💕💕💕💕

Best of luck OP, sounds like in the long run you will be much better off without (and in the short-term too I imagine, even if it doesn’t feel like it now). You’ve got this!

Op this is a trauma and can result in PISD which is similar to ptsd. You need to make sure you drink water, eat (even when you don’t want to), get fresh air and talk it over with people.

The book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant has very simple exercises to do. He explains how he got himself out of a hole and tells you exactly what worked for him. You will likely feel daft but persevere and do the exercises daily.

The next step is write down your values in a note book (or on your phone). Write why they matter to you and how you have previously demonstrated them. Every night note how you lived by your values that day. Sounds daft but do it daily. Then every month rewrite your values.

Yoga for trauma - Adrienne has free vids on YouTube

Create a new playlist only add songs that you hear from TODAY onwards. Things that uplift you. If you heard it with him don’t add it. You can also create a second one from a time pre him, a happy time.

He will be on online dating crying that his wife took him to the cleaners and he has nothing. OP will flourish and thrive. I know, because this happened to me 25 years ago. I quickly snapped into action and didn’t let him dictate what was going to happen. Find your anger, OP.

He can’t cope with the responsibility of being a father and thinks he’s getting his freedom but this younger woman will age too and will probably want kids , so he will be back at square one .

Hang on to the anger OP, that’s what will carry you through and fuel your sense of self preservation. Remember, you and your children are the priority now and you need to get yourself some good legal counsel to make sure you walk away with everything you’re entitled to and that he provides properly for his children.

Whenever the sadness threatens to overwhelm you remember that he’s gaslighted you into thinking you were somehow responsible for his unhappiness within the marriage and was shunning all your attempts to fix things - because all the while he was cheating and planning to leave anyway. Anger is your friend here for now.

This will pass- I promise. It's shitty now, but one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
One day, not so long from now you will be grateful that he set you free. You will also be fiercely proud of how you built yourself up from rubble and raised amazing kids.

I guarantee that one day, you will look at him and be amazed that you were ever with such a shitty human being. You'll shudder at the thought of ever letting him be close to you.
I guarantee all this is true.