Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

When something very similar happened to me, I was convinced I would never recover. But I did, and so will you OP, and probably far quicker than you imagine. I rarely give him a second thought these days, which was inconceivable at the time, but I have lived a very happy life (with a new husband) since moving on.

And of course he came crawling him, but it was too late by then.

You will survive it, I promise.

Mine left me abd iur 6 year old with no home and all of our belongings he took with him. Everything. We had a medium suitcase if our clothes and that was it. He skipped off to another country. Sold our house frok underneath me. I got nothing. And no child maintenance either.

One day at a time. Let him be who he is. You deserve better. Divorce him. And take him for every Penny you can to secure your future as best you can.

It never fails to amaze me that these men have time or any space in their pea size brains to do this with young children at home. But that goes to show what a selfish, despicable, vile scumbag he is and what a shit father he is.

OP it’s going to be agony for a bit but it WILL get better. Do not entertain taking this scumbag back. There are good men out there if that’s what you eventually want. You will probably find it much easier to parent without him once the initial shock is over.

Lean on family and friends and mumsnet. We’re all rooting for you.

Being a parent to young children is hard, and yes it means to a degree adult relationships are put on the 'back burner' so to speak. This is normal, and as the children become a little older, gain a bit more independence, it makes life easier. I suspect your attention is on your children, which is only natural and perfectly normal, given their ages. Your husband has been used to having your undivided attention, and now he doesn't. He's gone looking for someone to give him the attention and gratification that he wants. He's an immature twat, it's that simple. Family life isn't interesting enough for him, and it's taken your attention away from him, and like a big man-child he can't deal with not being your priority. You have done nothing wrong. You are rightly prioritising your children. Your husband has emotionally checked out of your marriage, and therefore no amount of counselling is going to help as he won't engage. To quote a MN favourite, you need to get your ducks in a row. Gather as much paperwork together, take copies. Look at your housing - do you rent/mortgage? If the house is mortgage, then it may need to be sold. Are you working? Look at what benefits you will be entitled too. Will your husband want the children 50/50? My guess he won't because that will interfere with seeing the OW. You need to channel your heartbreak into anger and use that to fuel the practical aspects of divorcing. Seek legal advice and initiate a divorce. Even if your husband decides in 6 months or a years time, he's made a dreadful mistake, and wants to reconcile, you'll never be able to trust him again. Seek some therapy for yourself too, it will help you process your feelings and emotions.

depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞

na-ah! Fuck that, safeguard yourself. This is going to take one year of logistics and yes, pain and upheaval while YOU CURATE THE LIFE YOU WANT.

Having your heart broken is the worst OP, but you will get through this. My ex left me (also for someone else) six years ago. I can remember I physically threw up I was so distressed. I have twins but he’s not their dad. They were five at the time. Kick him out. Get a solicitor. Get your family and friends to support you. Be ever so ever so kind to yourself. Make sure every day you do one small thing that is for you - buy your favourite chocolate, have a bath, watch an episode of your favourite show - even if you don’t want to do those things, try them anyway. Let yourself bawl. I used to let myself cry in the shower, then I let myself cry while I got ready and listened to an eight minute song, then I forced myself to get it together for my kids. I did still cry in front of them at points but I did my best not to. If this is how he behaves, you are SO much better off without him. If I saw my ex now, I’d feel nothing. Genuinely nothing. I can’t believe I was ever in love with him! I’ve remained single out of choice and me and my kids are three of the happiest people you could meet. You have totally got this (even if it might not feel like it right now) xxx

He lied to you. He cheated on you. He gaslight you, so you'd question your own sanity. He doesnt love you or his family. He's a selfish man who only loves himself and his ego. Wipe your tears. Take legal advice and LET HIM GO. He's untrustworthy and disloyal. He doesnt deserve your love, time, respect or support. Honestly, you deserve so much more. Don't play the pick me game fir a prize that isn't worth having. Send him on his merry way. Its painful now but you will come outthe other end. You will be happy again.

Hello op
i am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to some of what you must me feeling, dd 18months father after planning to have our daughter spent my pregnancy and her life withdrawing emotionally and physically from our family after being caught on dogging & swingers websites when I was pregnant. He continued to gaslight and harass me into being in the relationship and I accepted this back and forth despite the cheating and lying continuing, looking back now I can clearly see that his behavior was emotionally abusive (veering into physical abuse also at times) but being pregnant and then postpartum left me in a really vulnerable position. I tried to put this to one side and create the family that we had promised each other but it was all based on me having to accept his endless flaws and abuse while he felt entitled to indulge in his selfishness and keep control over my life without having to be a healthy partner or dad.
he had therapy, the dynamic continued.
i gave chance after chance, the dynamic continued.
i struggled through, showed up for my children everyday, lost weight to try and make myself more attractive as he would send me photos of other women he would claim to be sleeping with and insult my body in comparison to them.
i completely lost myself but as dd got to 1 years old i started to wake up to the fact that i had achieved so much despite the abuse, starting uni, taking loving care of my children with no help despite the abuse, had friendships with women that love and respect me, amongst all of this I had also managed to move house to a home I loved that was just mine and I felt proud. So why was I putting up with this abuse?
I started therapy and am getting to the root of why I wanted to be chosen, to be loved even in breadcrumbs by someone that behaves in the way my ex had.
his selfishness- unattractive & ego based
his abusive behavior- disturbing
his lack or morals- sickening and alien to me
his absent parenting- failure
He is the opposite to me, draining me of the fun loving, vibrant women I used to be before I met him.
EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS LIKE IT NOW YOU HAVE NOT LOST ANYTHING
but you will gain yourself back when you let go of this “man”.
it has been 4 months since I completely cut him off. Some days are hard my mind goes to what he is doing, who he is with enjoying his life while he discarded me and our child, grief and sadness. But that has become a fleeting feeling rather than all consuming. The majority of my days now feel peaceful, meaningful and full of quiet joy and pride that I broke that cycle for me and my children.
therapy is helping, so is exercise & starting to find out what I enjoy.
you will get through this and your life will be better.
get support, let the people that love and support you rally around you.
know that it will come in waves healing is not linear but the best is yet to come and you deserve it and soon you will have created space to start receiving it.
sending love 🌸

I’m 50. I fought tooth and nail hard, he stayed. I should have left. Run for the hills gorgeous lady. It will be a tough couple of years, but please don’t end up like me. Trapped in a loveless marriage. Get your family and friends on board and get that idiot out of your house.

Today you have a mission. You get all the house, mortgage, savings, life insurance, pension info, you make steps to inform yourself of the legal & financial situation.
information is power.
remove all important docs, birth cets, passports, marriage certificates. Give to parent or friend to keep them out of the house
Do not believe a single word, promise or suggestion coming out if his mouth

My ex-husband left when our son was 3. Course I was heart broken but he had left me to do all housework etc as well as a full time teaching job which was v stressful, he was a very lazy man. 2 weeks after he had gone I felt as if a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. That was 16 years ago. 1 good thing about my son being so young is he never remembers us together. I've remarried a man a million times better than the ex. You WILL get over him. As others have said get onto a divorce solicitor ASAP.

It’s all his loss @Peanutbutterislife.

If he’s that self-absorbed and fickle, you and the kids are best shot of him.

He should be supporting you, 10 months after giving birth. How selfish and dishonourable. He clearly has little respect for women.

Get legal advice asap, get angry and fight for every penny for you and the kids. Once you’ve cried out all the hurt, you’ll be able to co-parent.

33 is no age. You have many happy years ahead of you.

One hour at a time. Lots of water. Sending strength 💪❤️

OP you need to wipe away your tears and find your anger. It’ll be hard, but you need to get ahead of the game and send a clear message to him that the marriage is over. If he hasn’t already left, ask him to, but remember if iyour home is co-owned or rented you can’t force him out unless you have evidence of abuse.

Get a solicitor today and start divorce proceedings. Make sure you get everything you’re entitled to in the way of assets and support. Don’t waste time on the pick me dance. It’s pointless - he’s made his mind up, let him get on with it.

The young woman he’s cheated with may not even know he’s married or that he has children he will have to take responsibility for - both financially and with regular contact. So it’s very possible that he will come crawling back asking for forgiveness so he can have his nice comfortable life back when she ends it. You don’t want him back. He broke apart your family because he was thinking with his dick. That’s who he is and the harsh reality is that if he’s done it once he’ll do it again.

You’re 33. You can put your life back together and things will get better - better you find out now what a scumbag he is, than wasting any more of your life on him.

Lean on friends and family, and don’t cover for him - tell them what he’s done so he can’t hide from it. Your priority now is yourself and your children. Concentrate on doing your best to secure their and your own futures and be assured that although you can’t see it now, in time, whenever you see your soon to be ex, all you’ll feel is relief that he’s out of your life.x

Of course! 🤣
Wanker.

You are an amazing woman OP.
As torturous as it is right now, you will heal and be able to become the very best version of yourself, for yourself, not for him.
Sending you virtual hugs and strength
Please lean on close friends and family

^^This.
The lies, whilst looking deep into your eyes and swearing on your children’s lives… (once he’s realised what an idiot he’s been) will still be lies!! There will be lots of them!
Do not believe a single thing!

Oh, I am so sorry OP! This is devastating, unfortunately not uncommon.
Take care of yourself and your children. You three are priority, your ex H is a spineless bastard who couldn't weather the difficulties that come with being a parent to young kids. You deserve better!

Remember to keep your head high!

If you start divorce proceedings - you drive the process. This is very important and gives you an upper hand.

(Others, please concur or correct me, but I think this would help the OP to be in charge! Practically and emotionally too).
I am assuming you are UK based.

I am so sorry that you're going through this. It's horrendous. What you're feeling is completely normal and I promise you that one day you will look back on it and realise how strong you were.

I'm not usually in the LTB camp, but your husband is a shit. Incapable of deep love or being a decent, family man. Please race to accept that, because you shouldn't be negotiating with him.

Trust me that you are strong enough to do this.

Kick him out, tell him to move in with his younger lover. And then make everything going forward about you.

Get the best financial advice and make sure he and his lover will be paying to support you.

And then focus completely on your babies. I know it feels terrifying but I did it myself and frankly it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Being a single Mum is hard bit also amazing and I promise you that your husband isn't good enough to deserve to be part of your beautiful family and in time you'll meet someone who is.

I'm not going to give any better advice than has already been provided on here.

It hurts like hell at the moment but you WILL get through this. Woman are survivors and we are the stronger sex for a reason.

He's made his choice, there's no point in trying to change his mind. He clearly prefers a child free fantasy life with a younger woman. I 100% guarantee she will want children too in the very near future and he will be back in the same cycle of reality.

He is a complete fool to throw away what sounds like an absolutely amazing, caring wife and mother to his children for a quick fantasy fuck.

Sending super big hugs and kisses. We are all here for you night or day but definitely get seek some RL comfort as nothing beats a cuddle from your mum/bestie etc xxxx

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm going to give the classic Mumsnet answer (I didn't notice it said already ( and say have you read 'The Script '? Because he is textbook.

I think understanding that it isn't you and is nothing you have done will help you to come to terms with it quicker. They all say this and you are understandably still in the 'I did try but what if I'd done this differently 'stage. This usually results in the 'pick me dance'.

Take your kids out and try and have a peaceful day just the tree of you. Something to try and take your mind off it and to see there can be nice times. Don't go big, the pressure to have a good time makes these hard anyway. Just a park, picnic, space, take yourselves well away from him time.

It is very hard but you need to take back some control. Find your own support in both real life and here and decide what you want now (within the parameters you are dealing with). He doesn't get to dictate.

But it's okay not to be strong all of the time. No one is and no one finds a situation like this easy to recover from but but by bit women do every day and once out of the other side, would not go back.

I’m so sorry he’s done this at what is already such a vulnerable time for you. It’s very painful, very raw right now. You have to take it day by day and lean on your friends and family for all the support you can. Things which helped me when this happened to me:
Minimising contact with ex.
Avoid any emotional “how could you?” conversations. Be businesslike and distant.
See a lawyer asap, armed with all financial information you can find.
Accept the help friends will give you - meals, childcare, whatever.
Accept that you need to grieve the end of this relationship, and all your hopes and dreams that were built around it. Grief takes time to resolve.
Therapy.

2.5 years on I’m a different person. I’m happy enough. Still sad it happened, but it did happen and I survived, thrived, even, and so will you. Life can be good again.

I'd much rather be in your shoes than his right now, however much it is hurting (and I'm sure it is awful).

This is your rock bottom but once you reach the bottom you can start to climb upwards when you've gathered your strength.

You have two amazing children that you will have a wonderful relationship with throughout their lives. They will know you're their safe place and source of strength. Their dad now won't have this and will miss out on all the everyday love and bonding that family life brings. The inside jokes, the hugs, the tears and the triumphs. Remember that was HIS choice, so don't you dare feel sorry for him!

His fling won't last. That's guaranteed. His ego will be pushed from a great height once she gets bored and moves on. I bet you he will have you lined up as his Plan B in case this happens. Don't do it. If he's done it once he'll do it again and you deserve more.

Work through the pain. Get a lawyer in place and start with small steps to build back up.

You can do this and there will be brighter times ahead, promise 💪

My husband left me for his affair OP.
None of our once mutual friends see/ speak to him (I didn't ask anyone to freeze him out they just all did). They couldn't believe he would leave our kids especially the youngest who is older than your 10 month the old. I'm 18 months in and life is so much better than it ever was with him.
Your husband has shown the kind of man he is. You deserve so much better.
You can and will survive this xx be so so kind yourself on this journey he's putting you all through xx

Give yourself time to heal OP, a betrayal like this can take a year or even a few years to truly get completely over. But I promise when you're out the other side you'll be stronger than ever, know you can cope with anything and that you don't 'need' anyone else.

Focus on the kids, they are what is most important now. Get support from any family and friends that you can. Cry as much as you need, write him letters and burn them, get all the anger and hurt out in any safe way you can. He's thrown everything away so he's the loser here.