Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What you’re feeling is real and justified—this kind of betrayal does feel like a physical injury, and you’re not weak for feeling shattered by it.

You tried. it sounds like you gave him space, pushed for counselling, worked on yourself postpartum (which is no small thing), and showed up for your family. He chose the easy road—flattery, ego strokes, and escapism over the real work of marriage. That’s on him, not you.

Of course you're heartbroken. Of course you're angry. Of course this feels impossible. But I promise you, you won’t feel this way forever. You will find your footing again, even if right now it feels like you’re crawling through glass.

And when it comes to co-parenting: focus on fairness, not perfection. Let yourself feel it all—grief, rage, heartbreak.

The two of you will be able to work out what co-parenting looks like 50/50 or he may well walk away altogether, but trying to fight to keep a shitty father in the picture is probably not worth your effort if hes unwilling to step up and will just be a bad role model.

He may regret this one day. That’s not your problem. Right now, your only job is surviving one day at a time. Breathe, drink water, cry, rage, rest. You won’t always feel this broken.

I am so sorry OP, sending love and hug. What a massive disappointing dick he turned out to be. Please listen to the MN who are advising to get on with the paperwork and divorce straightaway. Do not let him back, this is his character when it gets tough - he’s weak, you don’t need a weak man. It’s a shame you and the children legally have to contact with him, because he doesn’t deserve it.

My father did exactly the same thing at the same time and it was incredibly messy my entire childhood because my mother didn’t want to breakup the family. He would come and go randomly for many months at a time no contact. It really destabilised my sibling and I and my mother never was abled to move on properly.

At moments like this I’m reminded of those Slavic women on instagram showing how they get over getting dumped, they put on their makeup and do their hair, and finish by putting out the rubbish.

It’s not about you OP, how you look or what you did. It’s all about him and him not wanting to step up and be an adult with responsibilities, not wanting to not be the main priority in your life’. He’s had his head turned so is rewriting history. You’ve had some excellent advice. Lean on family and friends and take control by seeking legal advice.
He won’t expect you to find your strength and be proactive and will probbaly have a nasty shock if the divorce process is commenced now. He will expect you to do the pick me dance and wait about for him.

He's shown you who is is, so believe him. Then get angry. Never let him back, nothing will have changed, except you'll be looking over your shoulder, waiting for it to happen again. I'm so sorry.

Hey, I've been through this exact thing, we had just brought a house, had a 2 year old and a 4 month old. It turned out he was cheating with a young girl from the office he worked in. For weeks he made out he just didn't love me anymore and didn't see us working and then I saw the messages between them and I was furious that I was made to feel like I failed somehow when in reality it was him being unfaithful and thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. As a mum to young kids you can't be "fun" and "spontaneous" like these girls in their 20s and if that's what he's chasing he will always be disappointed as having that in life is a stage you go through prior to responsibilities! You have done nothing wrong and I know the exact feeling your feeling where it hurts to even breath right now but trust me somehow you get through it, the anger will come and then you will find a way to navigate co parenting with this person, me and my ex are very civil now and actually I've moved on and I'm happy and he's been single ever since just dating everyone and chasing happiness so....
you need to confide in family and friends... my family really got me through it and we're so so supportive and stayed with me on the days I felt like I couldn't even parent due to the heartbreak! You've got this, your stronger than you think xxxxx

How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

There’s lots of definites here about how you’ll react and be impacted by his behaviour. This doesn’t need to take years of depression, or hate, or anger. Yes you’re there just now which is wholly natural but once the dust settles you get to decide how you feel.

Anger can be very useful in getting you through this time - it can motivate you to get things in order and to fight for you and your children to get what you need. There’s power in being able, at some point, to let it go. Staying angry and hating him won’t impact him at all - he’s gone - but it will keep you stuck, you don’t need to forgive him but being able to set him aside will allow you to find the joy in your life without 16st of dead weight.

And if he does try to come back, you don’t need to consider that or give him any head space - you are not under his control or bound to go with whatever his plan du jour might be. Decide the life you want for you and your kids and take steps towards that.

OP this is so awful- he is just a terrible human.

One day at a time for now. Don’t lose this chance to enjoy your kids being small. Surround yourself with family and friends. Ask for help when you need it. Eat meals, exercise, go through the motions and appreciate the small joys when they happen… they will gradually get more and more frequent. Join a divorce support group- my friend did this and she now (13 years on) has a wonderful group of friends from that and they have all attended each others second weddings.

The most horrible painful bit will be that you will have to build a co-parenting relationship with him. It is in your children’s interests to keep communication open and be civil. Switching your mindset now and be icy calm and factual when you talk to him. Make it clear there is no going back. He won’t expect this. Work on being glad you are free from someone who behaved like this.

Fuck him

Let him go. Be sad, be angry, cry, scream, shave your head.. whatever. But don't try and persuade him to stay. He's made his decision, time to take action.

Make a plan. Start structuring your new life without him. Set some goals, even tiny ones. Plan your glow up, plan your new you - the better you. Not to prove him wrong, but for yourself and your kids.

Set yourself a deadline for grieving what was. A month max - a month of wallowing and crying. Then on that date it's time start project happiness! Fuck him.

I would bet a significant amount of money that you'll look back in a few years and be glad he left. And he will be single.

Wow, he's a prince and thankfully, now someone else's prince, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now.

Just to echo what others have said about him wanting to come back at some point, it seems to be a regular theme, that for whatever reason, they don't like the rest of the new life they tried to find, e.g. not new anymore, new partner doesn't agree with them on everything, sex isn't exciting anymore, or, as in my ex DBIL's case, he realised that my DSis was going to walk away with half of everything, including his beloved NHS pension, after 24 years of marriage. He left my Dsis twice, as she took him back, although after the second 'try' (on her side!), she then realised that he was not interested in her at all and actually found his pros and cons list between her and the 'honest, I'm not with anyone new' other woman!

Many princes, same script.

I was you 30 years ago. We had children aged 3 and 2 and my husband left for a 17 year old from work. He said 'I want to do what I want, when I want and I can't do that with children so I have to leave' and off he went. I thought I would die of the pain at the start but I didn't, and neither will you. Make a list of practical things and do a couple every day. You need legal advice and support from real people. It will get better. My life is absolutely brilliant . I turned 60 this summer and I am currently having a ball at the Edinburgh Festival with my second husband ( an absolutely fabulous man I have been married to for 22 years). Take it a day at a time. Allow yourself to howl and cry when the children are in bed. Get up every day, shower, do your hair and put on something clean. Shoulders back and face the day. It will get so much better. You have my love and best wishes. It will be okay xxxxx

So sorry OP - not much to say that hasn't already been said, but you WILL get through this. It may not feel like it now, but you will feel happy again and you and your children can still have lovely, enjoyable and rewarding lives.

Your H has shown you what a pathetic waste of space he is and he doesn't deserve you, nor your beautiful children. Get through practicalities like finances etc. as quickly as possible, confide in friends if you can and if trusted people offer help let them. Any time you have a wobble, always feel free to post on here - MN can be a bit vicious at times, but at times like this posters always rally around so wonderfully to support people and it seems to really help.

What an arse!! I don't have any words of wisdom, I have similar aged children and I would be so upset. BUT from what these other wonderful ladies on here have said and ones I know IRL, you will survive. It is so so raw right now though and it is ok to let that grief (for the loss of what you had), frustration, anger, hurt, all those feeling wash over you.

Do you have any close family you can ask for help?

You don’t need to get yourself into shape to be attractive to him. There is NOTHING attractive about him. Look after yourself and your gorgeous children. I know it hurts but this will pass. Seek support from others and focus on being strong. Ducks in a row, see a solicitor and hit him where it hurts with a divorce.

Read your post back as if it was written by another poster. You’ll think that he’s done the OP a favour.

He sounds selfish, egotistical and a prick. You sound lovely. You’ll get through this, first 6-12 months are the bloody hardest.

Do not beg him to come back. He’s made his choices and quite frankly you deserve an awful lot better. Work on your self esteem and stand up for yourself. Wish I’d listened to this advice straight away when life walked. I’m much better off without him.

Don’t get fixated on his new fling. Not worth your time or energy. Focus on you, your kids and get practical. Ring people for support. Get a break from the children when you can. Be very kind to yourself.

You will be absolutely fine.

@AngelinaFibres
what a lovely positive and helpful post

I was in your position and I handled it so badly. My depression was rock bottom. I cried , I pleaded and lost my dignity. If I could go back I would put on such an act in front of him. I would hold my head high and be dignified. I would wait until I was on my own and then cry. He will soon see what he is losing if you do this. You might want him back now but believe me, if he comes back he could do it again. You are worth more. Have some self belief. Wishing you all the best

The best thing you can do for yourself is get out of this mindset of you're going to be depressed for years and you're going to hate him.

You're setting yourself up for a bitter and sad life, and why should he be able to do that to you?

A happy mother is the most important thing in the world for children and you have said, you are a happy person. You will naturally gravitate back to that.

As someone who felt the same as you (different reasons) but I said things like 'I will not survive this' and contemplated doing the worst.

Today I can say, proudly, that a man who tried to destroy me did not succeed. Every single thing he did or tried to do to me actually ended up improving my life.

Now my life's mantra is that anything that appears negative I turn into a positive.

My life has improved unimaginably since he left. Me and my children are happier.

I did a lot of therapy with ChatGPT. I 'talked to it' and it organised my thoughts and identified ways to help. I was on a waiting list for therapy and still am, so AI really helped me. I also just journaled and brain dumped into Word documents.

I have a great friendship network which honestly saved my life.

Your ex is a selfish arse. 06/02/2023You don't have to resign to hate him. You can become indifferent and that is a superpower. It feels brilliant.

The best 'revenge' is a brilliant life. 🙂

Twat. May every day of the rest of his life be miserable. She’s a twat as well.

Op be sure to send him to his new woman with a bag of his dirty laundry as well... that should be nice dose of reality for them. Sending lots of hugs and best wishes!!

😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭👌👌👌👌

What an absolute bastard.
Do you know, it is better now, while the kids are small. They will not find it such a wrench.
You will also be able to start building your life from now rathet than in ten years after multiple affairs and gaslighting.
I would try to get pissed off, then chanbel that into your new life, rather than wallow jn sadness. You can't change him, but you can change how you deal with it and your mindset. Fuck that absolute cretin. You arw better than him. He is wrak, can't deal with with being an adult and youbare better off without him.

I agree with this. I know it's really hard to focus on financials etc when you've been floored by a broken heart, but you need to gather all the financial and property info you can now, before he has a chance to hide savings, pensions etc. It will make all the difference down the line.

And find your anger. I know you feel dreadful now, but anger is a great antidote to heartbreak.

You should be angry with him: he's broken the promises he made when you married, he thinks playing hide the sausage with his bit on the side will make him happier than being a decent parent to his two lovely children which shows how fucking shallow he is, he's too weak and selfish to consider anything other than the needs of his dick and possibly his ego, and he's too fucking irresponsible to be a good and reliable parent.

You deserve better than that. You're in shock now, but you will get through this. I hope you have friends and family IRL to support you, and lean on them as much as you need to.

I assume he's moving out. If not, if I was in your shoes, I'd be asking him to, and making a CMS application asap, plus checking if I'm entitled to any UC (which you will be if you're on SMP + CB).

Oh sweetie. You poor soul. Allow yourself to grieve, you've lost someone as surely as if they died, you just have to cope with them still walking and talking. Lean on people in real life as much as you can, people genuinely want to help in situations like this.

But know that the pain will pass. You won't feel like this forever (which is no help right now, of course) and life will be bright again. Your XH will find that the grass absolutely isn't greener and that he has to live with himself, knowing what he's done. Be prepared for him to agree to take the children often, and then not to do it, so shore yourself up against being 100% there for them.

Deep breaths, lots of tea and try to get as much rest as you can. As I said, lean on others. Your ex is a tosspot (and you can tell him I said that).

I'm so sorry, love. Like so many men, he has decided no longer being the centre of your universe that now includes other calls on your time, attention and love is not for him. Utter selfishness personified, and a tedious cliché.

You need your team.

Are parents / any siblings about? Please share with yours, you'll need their support and I hope they'll be there for you and your children with open arms.

Does his mother know? She will of course side with her son, but remember she will be thinking of the grandchildren too. Facilitate his parents seeing them.

If you work, even if off on mat leave, ensure your line manager is aware of what you're going through. Staff welfare is part of their job.

And remember you and the children have RIGHTS.

Find your rage and your steel within the grief and the shock.

See a solicitor. You're married, so you co-own everything. Believe them, not anything he might try to make you believe, because he is not your friend.

See a financial advisor.

Find out about his duties re child maintenance etc.

Keep records of every penny you spend on the children.

Keep communications with him formal, in writing (emails not texts, for the paper trail) and filed.

Be prepared for him to start reframing and retelling the story - 'if you hadn't... I'd never have ... Now look what you made me do' bullshit.

Remain polite and businesslike - the 'crazy ex' lie is common and you don't want to give him any ammunition.