Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

It's understandable you're angry, but don't let it eat you up. You're better than that. You've heard the phrase "living well is the best revenge"? Give yourself and your children the life you all deserve, and be proud of yourself for doing it.

One day you'll be glad he showed his true colours so early on. One day, you'll be watching as this man gets the life and 'love' he deserves, and you'll feel nothing but pity for him. He's made his bed. He'll be lying in it for the rest of his life now. No taking it back.

He might be distracting himself with the younger model right now, but in the back of his mind, he'll always know he failed as a husband and father. He just couldn't cut it. Couldn't measure up as a man. It might take a while for that to hit home, but when it does, there's no escaping it. It's a self-inflicted wound that will keep bleeding long after you're healed and happy again, OP.

Leave him to it. It's not your problem anymore. Onwards and upwards. You've got a better life to live 🌺

You will be ok in time, OP. My SIL was the OW. Her DH was tired of his first DW (one of her friends) becoming 'boring' after having DC - who were 1 & 3 years old. He wanted his life of adventure back!! SIL was younger, free, stunning and ambitious.

In the end he married SIL, and now has a younger DC at 50. His exw is now child responsibility free, mortgage free, and happy. She has the better life!

SIL & BIL actually split after their DC was born. He was vocal about not wanting any more but SIL insisted. He came back when he realised he wasn't attractive to women anymore and child support to two women curtailed his activities.

Anyway, good for EXW, she is the winner here, and you will be too, eventually. Unfortunately it means we have to put up with BIL. He's a w*nker. Like all men of this ilk!

Take control of the narrative.

Contact all his family and friends as well as yours and and say I have some bad news. Sadly, X has decided he no longer wants to be with us as he has been having an affair.

He will be furious because you'll have taken control.

Dedicate a new email address to communicating with him. Any texts, WhatsApps, Messenger etc - screenshot it, send it to yourself and email any appropriate response including it. Don't get dragged into to and fro on multiple platforms. Funnel him into that one email, keep that control and the paper trail organised. Always remain polite and reasonable.

He almost certainly will regret it in time. He's not the person you thought he was if he can cheat on you months after you gave birth to his DC. I've been where you are although my DC were older than yours. It's very difficult but try to focus on getting everything you can for you and your DC. You divorce him because then you control the timetable and keep your dignity. Make sure you pension share. Go to CMS to ensure he pays at least the minimum amount for your DC. He's a stupid fool and in 6 months and once he realises what he's lost he'll live to regret his actions. The gf might dump him at some point anyway.

How are you doing @Peanutbutterislife

@chatgptsbestmate Thank you for checking in. I’ve been reading these messages whenever I get a moment.

Emotions are changing every hour or more (normal I imagine). I am exhausted and still can’t eat properly, every time I try I feel so sick. Keeping hydrated and sleep is fragmented… plus 10 month old wakes 2/3x a night!

I’ve been so angry, I’ve cried on the floor, cried in a coffee shop with my two DS, had chats with 2 close friends about it all and just feel like I’m in some type of parallel universe like this isn’t real?!

Does anyone have experience suddenly taking lions share of morning/bedtime/overnights with two very little ones? I go back to work in September and I’m so nervous if I’m having to cope with so much childcare on my own. I don’t want to be even more exhausted as then I worry I’ll feel more down.

the worst thing is he has since said he still likes our family times and doesn’t want to lose those (aka still do outings/holidays etc) - and apparently the 30yr old fling is moving away anyway so “nothing long term can happen” although he thinks he would be happier with her hence why he is justifying leaving. If it’s not her it’s someone else who pays him attention I guess. And meanwhile I am in bits about the loss of it all. I honestly don’t even think he understands what divorce means and claims he hasn’t had time to think properly about it all. This makes me sick given I’ve been living in hell for 3 months (coincidentally when he started being awful and had been seeing her). Promises it’s emotional and just a kiss - I really can’t believe it and of course he deleted their conversations when I demanded to see the phone. I’ll never know. But I do know he cannot be trusted so that’s enough to move forward and away.

Op read ‘Not just Friends’ by Shirley Glass. And ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’ this may seem irrelevant but it will help you.

The site surviving infidelity has numerous resources too.

What a truly awful man to break up his beautiful family for a short term fling. It may not seem like it, but you are well rid of this ass.
Stay strong xx

I was told that no man would be interested in someone with two young children - it’s rubbish. I spent a few years building myself back up and then met someone much better than him in every way.
Take your time to recover, focus on you and your beautiful children - but don’t lose faith that you deserve to be loved and you have a very happy future ahead of you when the time is right.

@Peanutbutterislife he clearly thinks you will still be around waiting for him to get it out of his system etc!

A simple that's not going to happen will suffice if he states it again.

As for tips of lions share I've only done short term when DH has been away (I work ft) but my tips would be batch cooking or all meals 30 mins or less. Cleaning doing a little each evening before you sit down. Prep as much as possible so your not trying to fit stuff in so night before have clothes laid out. Before bath lay out pj's etc.

I think that translates into he’s left for her but she doesn’t want him. Can you take some time off sick before returning to work. Look at your options contact gingerbread single parent advisory service. They can advise on financial options. You may be better off working part time. Look on entitled to for benefit options. You don’t have to agree to do days out with him. He wants his cake doesn’t he?!

he has since said he still likes our family times and doesn’t want to lose those (aka still do outings/holidays etc)

WTAF? Who the hell does he think he is? I feel so angry on your behalf!

I'd be saying, "Tough - your disgusting behaviour an end to that. Don't think
I'm staying around to play happy families with you, you cheating twat."

Sadly you can never trust him again and I don’t believe it was emotional only. He’s ripped his family apart thinking the grass is greener and less hard work/no responsibility.
I would find the damage he’s done to you all is unforgivable, you will get through this and have a better life.
It appears like others have said - OW has had enough of him already and he may be starting to try to worm his way back home.

I did the worst thing and saw photos of her via FB (she’s friend of a friend) - she’s stunning. Like, amazing body and nice hair, pretty face. I feel so sick, so much worse and absolutely awful right now. I know it shouldn’t be the thing that makes it even worse but it soooooooo does. And her smug face knowing what she’s up do. EWWWW.

I was already self conscious given babies, breastfeeding, my hair falling out PP, wrinkles appearing and now I know why he’s choosing this 10/10 younger woman 😟😔

Pity her.

He isn't a prize. He's a lying, cheating , scumbag who cheated in his wife and left his 2 small children to stick his ego and get his willy wet.

She will ose him as she found him.

He can't be loyal to you. The mother if his children and his wife. What chance has she got?

You deserve better. Walk away with your head up. Tell him to kiss your arse if he thinks you'll be playing happy families with him. Talk to him about contact with his kids and only his kids. He needs to parent his kids without you. You are nothing to him.

I'm so sorry op lots of us have been there and it hurts. Allow yourself time and space for your emotions but you will need to get tough. He's playing the nice guy and thinks he calls all the shots - any mention of what child arrangements he proposes? You shouldn't be doing it all especially if you are going back to work soon. Don't fall for the nice guy going for days out routine that's likely in the hope you don't pursue what you are entitled to financially and the reality of looking after his kids by himself. Plus it controls you and stops you moving on

Don’t envy her, @Peanutbutterislife - at the end of the day she is a home wrecker and she has got herself a cheater. You still have your beautiful children.

I know this is little consolation right now, but one day - quite soon I hope - you will look back and be glad about how things turned out 💐

Whilst he is a tool that clearly has no idea which side his bread is buttered that won’t take any hurt away from you. Grieve. Then heal. Keep your standards. (Words I need to say to myself aswell). You will be ok. X

No. He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it. He doesn’t get to do all the nice (fake) family stuff with you to pretend to everyone that he’s still a good dad. What a bloody cheeky bastard.
you need to be strong. Don’t let this arsehole continue to trample over you.
The audacity of it.

Absolutely no way does he get to do the nice family stuff after all this! Days out and holidays?! The man is completely fucking delusional.

On a practical note, it’s not quite the same but my DP works awkward hours and I work FT and do the majority night wakes/bedtimes/getting kids up/nursery drop offs. It’s tough some days, but we have our own little routine and it’s actually easier than when he’s around 😅 You sound strong and capable, and I’ve no doubt you’ll smash this and sooner rather than later he’s going to realise this was a mistake.

Ps she might be stunning, but she’s clearly not a 10/10 on the inside. She hasn’t made marriage vows to you, but I have no respect for women who knowingly cheat with married men.

OP he trashed his family for this woman. Don’t torture yourself by comparing yourself to her - it’s pointless and depressing and it absolutely won’t give you any more insight as to why he left. Do you know why ? Because it’s already all laid out there for you to see.

He left you because he’s a scumbag who has prioritised his own wants and needs to the exclusion of his wife and children. He controlled and gaslighted you so that you thought you were responsible for his unhappiness and had you working to save a relationship that he already knew was doomed because he had met someone else. He’s cold, calculating and his main priority is himself. That’s all there is. Nothing else to know.

He’s a narcissist. He told you he went after this woman, despite knowing that it would only be a ‘fling’ because she was moving away. What did he think was going to happen when she’d gone ? I think that’s bollocks. I think he hasn’t been honest with her either, and he knows she’s about to cut him loose - if she hasn’t already - so he’s trying to worm his way back.

Don’t fall for it OP. Or you’ll find yourself keeping house and looking after his children while he goes out and does exactly as he wants, keeping his nice, comfortable life. You’ll never be able to trust him again, and from what you’ve said here, rightly so. His marriage vows mean nothing to him, he thinks with his dick and he can’t keep it in his pants. It’s painful to realise that someone you loved isn’t what you thought they were. But that will pass and if you stay strong one day you’ll be glad you found the truth before you wasted any more of your life on him.

Absolutely no way does he get to do the nice family stuff after all this! Days out and holidays?! The man is completely fucking delusional.

If he still wanted to do family stuff, he should not have broken up his family

Okay finally got the truth out of course it’s a full blown affair (how incredible I sort of believed it was kissing/emotional) shows how much I tried to believe he respected me enough to stop there - wow my desperation.

Not sure what to do. I don’t want to be fully responsible in the house yet as baby is so demanding and need to share load overnight. But I don’t want to see him living here either. Baby is up 2-3 sometimes 4 times a night so we have to share or I’ll be even more destroyed!

Again, just my experience. Mine were both EBF, I worked FT and did ever night wake (my youngest is almost 2, and most nights still wakes 3/4 times). It is HARD but far easier I would imagine than living with a lying, cheating loser.

This might be helpful OP.

https://www.chumplady.com/the-cheater-tactic-of-cake-eating/