Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

[SlateandSteel]

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

Thank you everyone. I just keep thinking over and over that I made a terrible mistake in leaving.

You can't go back in time and erase this. If you moved back into the family home and put up with the abuse just to immediately spend more time with one child what would this say to your children and their father?

It's likely the EA would get worse because he would feel that you would never leave no matter what he did.

Your DC would experience much worse outcomes, being brought up in an abusive environment for longer.

Likely you will end up leaving again at some point and you'd be back to where you are now but a bit more broken and with very confused and damaged children.

You've ripped the plaster off now- you need to keep moving forwards and build your relationship with your kids as someone who is their mum and has their best interests at heart. It won't happen overnight but you can't undo what is done.

Thank you. I will try to keep moving forwards. I can’t help but think that I blew everything out of proportion and maybe it wasn’t as bad I as thought it was. I really didn’t know that doing this could mean not having custody of my child. I will keep on showing up for him and reassuring him.

Don't look back, look forwards. What small thing can you do today to focus on the future and show up for your son? Maybe send him a text to say you're thinking of him, plan a day trip for the holidays. Give yourself a few minutes to reflect on the positive changes you are making for yourself and your DC, catch up with a sympathetic yet sensible friend (NOT your mum or someone who will encourage the negative spirals). In a week or two it will feel better and he might be closer to considering overnight stays.

Thank you. That’s really good advice.

OP, you are in a very painful situation, your head and heart are understandably all over the place and you are getting conflicting advice. I doubt very much you slept much in the last few days.

I suggest you find the local domestic violence charity. Or any charity involved into supporting families or single parents.

I posted earlier about my friend's experience. I also signposted her to the local DV charity at the time. They really supported her. She was determined to leave.

Anyway, her ex was not prepared to engage, refused pre-court mediation, it was his way or highway.

The same charity my friend approached to had a child phycologist that worked with her 7 year old to help him process the trauma. Many adults do not realise until much later that seeing your parents break up is a massive trauma for a child. I am not saying this to guilt-trip you. Countelss adults have made this mistake before and countless others will make it in the future.

What I suggest you look up local charities involved in supporting women and families, and try to get some sort of professional help ASAP. For example, counselling for you, play therapy for your child or family mediation meeting.

You are very understandly very stressed right now. Getting some professional help might be the right thing to do.

I hope it helps.

Thank you. I will do that. I feel like the trauma and damage I have caused my son far outweighs any damage caused by witnessing arguments or name calling.

Why do you think this? On what basis? The fact that, less than a week in, he’s not sleeping over?

OP, have you done any research on the impact growing up in an abusive home has on kids? If not, you really should.

That just isn't true! it's been a week since you left, it would be weird if he wasn't upset and angry at this point

It is not better for your ds to grow up seeing his mum abused, op.
It's better for him to see that you won't let yourself be treated that way. And to have you thriving as a person as well as a mum. He needs you whole and well.
You'll get there. He will need time. More than 5-6 days (!!)

Thank you for all your sensible advice. He’s still very angry at me. Last I saw him was Tuesday when I messed up and I asked him if he wanted to meet me for a hot chocolate tomorrow but he refused. I’m seeing him Saturday now. Trying to keep reaching out but it’s really difficult go be hardly seeing him. Trying not to take it personally but it seems like a lot of damage has been done.

Don't compounded it by pushing , pressurising further or coming across desperate. Try to have a good day with him and build on that.

He is old enough to think for himself

Have you managed to speak to the local charities regarding possible mediation? Also, for emotional support?

I’m not sure who to speak to or contact? I will try and make some phone calls this morning. Thanks ☺️

Can you think of some neutral topics to chat about when you do meet him?
Let him lead the conversation.. don't talk about the elephant in the room unless he does.
This meeting is about showing him that things can be normal between you.
Don't attempt to unload any of your fears and woes on him. Its not about you.
He has his own fears and woes but may not want to talk about them yet.
If he wants to sit on his phone let him.
If he does, Get yours out too and find some funny tik toks to share. Ask him if he's found any good ones. Even if that's all you manage to do, its enough.
try to make it just a normal cafe morning as much as you possibly can.
It will be scarey and worrying for him if you turn up less than calm and reasonable.
Remember that even if the meeting doesn't go 100 per well, to stay calm. Try to think of it as just a start, where you can show him that things will be OK and normal and not a heavy anxious meeting.
Its not the end of the road, life or death, you will have other opportunties to meet. Baby steps. Even a small win is worth it.

You need to find other outlets to discuss your worries. That should help you deal with future meetings because it sounds like you still have a lot to process and come to terms with and that is not easy.

He is still your son and will always be your son, even if he's angry and confused at the moment.

I have just Googled "Family Charity (name of my borough)" and "Domestic violence (name of my borough )" and a dozen charities have come up.

Couples break up and get together all the time. And lots of people decide to stay together for the sake of children and eventually get to the point of loving each other again.

Saying this, if you have been the victim of domestic violence and a professional confirms, this will probably help to to internally justify your actions and feel more grounded.

EA is a type of DV. Saying this, EA is often a two way street, with both parties saying hurtful things to each other. Learning to communicate better might be one outcome.

I do not want to alarm you unnecessarily, however your son is only 13. It's a tender age, just on the cusp of teenhood. Teenagers are notoriously tricky in the best of times. Lots of teens' behaviour makes a turn for the worse following parents' breakup.

I think you need to get professional help and fast.

Once your ex finds a female shoulder to cry on it will complicate things.

Just be aware, the standard advice on Mumsnet is to say "good riddance ". Life isn't always that simple.

I hope it helps

Thank you. I am learning the hard way that life certainly is not that simple. I have asked my ex to please let us think about a trial separation or to please let us try and get counselling to process how we got to this point. He said that I can’t just go back and that I never loved him anyway. How could he trust me after what I have done? You hear about divorce and co parenting all the time but the reality is absolutely shitty. When I set up my new house I was excited and hopeful about the future but the reality is awful. I made such a huge mistake especially when ex lives right by our sons school and all his friends. I miss my old community so much. I really have made such a terrible mistake 😔

That’s really good advice thank you

You really need to stop beating yourself up. It takes two to tango.

Most of the advice women in struggling marriages get is to get rid of the bustard. Especially on Mumsnet.

I certainly got plenty when my marriage hit the trouble spot lasting a few years. It takes a lot of grit and determination to go against everyone's advice. Please don't beat yourself up.

It sounds your ex is hurting very much too, however for different reasons. At least there has been no infidelity on either side (based on your posts).

I think you need to see a counsellor ASAP to help you decide whether you had valid reasons to leave or whether it was not such a good decision after all. Then go from there. Sometimes writing a heartfelt letter of apology does works.

However please contact your local domestic violence charity and talk to them first. What you has written earlier in the thread is concerning.

Sending hugs

He hasn’t chosen his dad, he’s chosen the home he’s used to. It’s very destabilising for him at the moment and he’s clinging to what stability he can. You moving back in would be even more confusing. You need to ride this out and trust that he will adjust to the new life and will eventually stay with you.

You're thinking all these things happen over night.... they don't! Co parenting doesn't just work out the minute you separate. You dont just make the decision to leave and life's wonderful. With due respect your thought process appears to be very black or white, your expectations aren't realistic.
All these things need working on they take. It'd baby steps. Esp where your child's involved.
Very very few woman regret leaving especially where abuse is involved, thats not to say there isn't times where you wonder. But in the long run the benefits hugely out way the negatives.

Thank you. I will. I just wish that I wasn’t torturing myself so much that I should never have left or that I should have stayed in the family home. The family home is by my son’s school and all his friends. I’m not that far away but far enough, I’ve really fucked up and feel like such an idiot!! 😔

Thank you, yes you are right. It’s going to take time. I’m expecting too much too soon I know that. I just wish I hadn’t left the family home, all the little things I took for granted like just seeing him around the house, seeing him every morning before school and after school and him just being able to come and go as he pleased. It’s so painful.

If you want to do this, try and talk to you ex again putting your ds at the centre of the conversation. Say you know it is tough for him (your ex) but just explain that you are just v worried about your ds. Keep your ds as the centre topic and explain how much your ds would benefit from you being at home a few years longer. If you focus on ds' needs then hopefully you will achieve the situation which is best for your ds.

I think you need to talk to your ds as much as possible about how he feels, get him to open up as much as possible about his thoughts and feelings. Try not to talk about how you feel at the moment, concentrate on your ds' thoughts and feelings and needs.