Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

[SlateandSteel]

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

This is excellent advice ☺️

You can’t really force it unless ex will do the same and say that is the deal, end of. Make the days as enjoyable as possible and get him a room set up etc and hopefully he will come round. Good luck OP

Of course he won't want to stay at op house if he usually shares a bed with his dad, surely op expected this?!
Not even mentioning how bloody weird that is in itself

He’s so wary about the new house that earlier when he accidentally wet his socks he wouldn’t take a new pair from the house. He’s got ADHD and possible autism. He shows traits of ODD too.

He won’t sleep on his own, he’s very anxious. He would have to share my bed or we both sleep in his room if he stays.

But in a previous thread you talked about crying (to him) when you were on the way to drop him back at his dad’s. It seems that you are taking to him “that way”. Your feelings are understandable but the way you are interacting with your son is likely part of the reason that he seems to be pulling away.

I did get upset. I said sorry, Mammy is a bit sad today. I did also cry in front of my ex, but DS was upstairs.

Go back and give it another go, I would

It is highly unusual that he won't sleep alone and co-sleeps with his dad at age 13 and this has got to be part of the problem. His Dad will need to be on the same page as you if you are going to try and help him to develop a better bedtime arrangement which will include sleeping at your house too.

No matter what you don’t go back to your abuser.

Your son needs time. Especially if you suspect neurodivergence.

In hindsight you should have stayed in the family home ideally. But would your ex have left?

Does your son understand why you left, and understand why you had to?

Speak to him, let him know you understand how hard it is for him. That you love him and are there for him.

You both just need time. Are you in any therapy? I think it would be hugely beneficial. And look at getting a diagnosis for your son as that could help with getting support for him.

To someone who called you names and threatened to hurt you and urinate on your stuff?

She should definitely not go back to an abuser.

I agree! I’m not sure if some people haven’t read all of OP’s posts but again this is terrible advice OP. Do not go back to an abuser!

Your son would've possibly reacted the same way if his father left the home and insisted on moving in with him.

He may not have reacted like this if both parents moved away from that very house since the house represents his form of normalcy.

You need some counselling. Ask womens aid for advice,
Talk to your sons HOY in Sept when he goes back. He will need pastoral support at school.

Did you miss the part where OP said her spouse was abusive?

I think he just needs a little time, and you should not try to go back, because you'll end up abused even more , and you won't feel you can leave. This will be an awful relationship model. your ds might blame himself in the end for you being put in that situation.
Keep being consistent, take the pressure way down, take the long view, make sure he knows you are absolutely there for him, have plenty of fun days together.

When I mentioned his room, I mean that he has a bed made up, plain white bedroom furniture, shelves and he will have a TV and an X Box. It’s a blank canvas right now that, if he chooses to, he can put his own stamp on it.

Yes he did witness a lot of it unfortunately.

OP how long has it been since you moved out? When did you tell your DS you were separating?

It’s only been just over a week since I moved out and we told DS a couple of months before that.

A week?! You just need to slow down!
Even the asking about going to the house was rushed when you'd only just thought about it.
I get it, you want everything to be as you imagined it would be once you got out - but a week is nothing, the fact he's even been there at all already makes me think he's very likely to come round in his own time!

It is understandable you'd feel wobbly about it all now you've actually done it, but how things are during week one is never how things are forever - not with any change in life! I mean it kindly, but you need to give yourself a bit of a shake here. You're simply expecting things to settle too quickly.

I have have read OPs updates.

My twopennth is:
Don't just "go back" to an abuse relationship. That won't help and you will be in the same situation in a few months time, in all probability. You could ask your ex to consider couples counselling to see if there is a safe way back for you.

Ignore your mum. She hasn't got a clue!

Don't keep hassling your son to stay over. I think you are implying he only got back from a holiday with ex, within the last week and you left while they were away? If that is correct then it's very early days for your son. You have been thinking about leaving/planning to, for some time, but for him its very new and possibly a massive shock.

Don't go overboard on making a nice bedroom for him, or buying expensive gaming stuff to go in there, he could feel forced. Your idea of nice isn't necessarily his.
Once he becomes more favourable towards the idea, then he can have some input into what goes in there.

Take a breath. It is what it is, just let the dust settle and see what pans out.

I have read all your posts and can feel your pain.
I bookmarked the one above as I wanted to come back to it. I wanted to remind you of why you left. This man is abusive!!

I realised when you said you're the 'airpods' poster that I've read a few posts from you, and you've been in a very abusive relationship for a long time now. This post is the tip of the very bad iceberg. Please seek more help in real life in dealing with your ex, the breakup, and your relationship with your DC.

I know things are tough, but please don't go back. Take things easy with your son, be his safe harbour, and I have no doubt he'll come back to you. Consider getting therapy for your son, especially if he's now living alone with his father.

Oh, and... IGNORE YOUR MOTHER!

Aw OP put the brakes on. For your own wellbeing, I mean.

You've not given your child a chance to sort his thoughts out yet.

Do not move back in with your abusive husband.