Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

[SlateandSteel]

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

Given this information, put yourself in his shoes.
Stop projecting your disappointment onto him, this won't help.
Remember this is not even a week in the new situation so stop assuming it will remain the same.
Make it a safe space for him, no pressure. Take his lead.

You can't force him and why would you. Your ex is right. Give him time and be there for him. That's all you can do.

Just read it's a week! It will take time but he will come round.

Actually not even that, it’s been 5 days. I know I must stop panicking.

Bloody hell op I thought you'd left months ago. 5 days and you're going through this panic. you really do need to calm down. No wonder your ds doesn't want to stay yet when you've not even settled in yourself yet. have you even taken your stuff out of boxes yet and made it a home? please slow down.

OP leaving an abusive relationship is really complicated, all breakups are hard on children as well as the adults involved, but when you have been in an abusive situation your children will have been affected and damaged by the abuse too. Everyone will be acting from a place of trying to stay safe and avoid any more abuse.
You have only just left, your feelings will be all over the place, and it might seem unreal to have escaped, your feelings of wanting to return are normal and are based on years of treading on eggshells. You have a learnt response to not do things to antagonise your DH.
Your son will also have these feelings, he also won’t want to set off his Dad. He will probably be emotionally manipulated by his dad, and made to feel as though he has to choose, or back up his Dad against you. He will really want to stay safe. He might feel very angry that you have “disturbed “ things by leaving. Try and stay solid. Be a solid, kind, gentle presence in his life now, even though you will be feeling very wobbly. Be understanding . Explain why you had to leave if you need to.
Over time your son will hopefully feel safe with you and want to stay overnight, he’s been throuh a lot, having a very disabled sibling is tough. You have been through a lot, years of abuse while trying to care for a disabled child and also be a good mum to your older son. Both of you are traumatised people who need time to breath, feel safe again, and get used to this new situation.
Best of luck to you OP.

Also - you are panicking because you are someone who has been living by appeasing a frightening man , for years. Leaving that is very scary, it’s a huge shift.

Sorry not to be rude genuinely curious you say he was the fun parent but he was the one working to provide for the family as a parent why do you think his contribution is less then yours? I dislike this idea thst me or anyone working outside the home makes me less of a parent.

She hasn't stated what this abuse is, and going by the state of her posts I'm not convinced she's entirely the poor victim either.
It could be argued her behaviour towards her son is also EA.

What is EA. Thanks.

Emotionally abusive.

Is it extra marital affair?

Emotional abuse.

Did you not read OP's post at 20.31 yesterday @Mookie81 ?
"He was pretty terrible at times, name calling, threatening to hurt me, other horrible threats (to urinate on my stuff) but he had also improved and stopped the name calling etc. i didn’t take leaving lightly"
Do you not think this is abuse?

No, I hadn't read the post. That's why I find dripfeeds annoying, as that is pertinent information.
I still think the OP is not completely blameless for her son's reaction and decision though.

The OP is hurting beyond belief, she feels like her heart is literally breaking.
OP didn't put everything into the op, probably because she isn't necessarily connecting the dots right now, she's firefighting.
Some of us here recognise OP from other threads, and while I can appreciate you don't know the background believe me her ex-DH was extremely abusive and it took a lot for OP to get the courage to leave.

@SlateandSteel I hope today's a better day.

OP, I have read all your messages on this thread. I have not read what others replied, it's 11 pages.

My best friend was in the same situation. Lots of EA, no support with housework etc. She left after a long deliberation.

She has 2 sons, they were 14 and 7 at the time.

The older one was very angry with her for "breaking up the family." He went to live with his dad and never stayed with his mum again. Brief visits here and there, however no real reconcilliation. He has just finished uni, his attitude has not changed.

The 7 years old was having terrible tentrums whilst living with his mum. Somehow, he stayed with his mother. As soon as he turned 12, he went to live with his dad. (My relationship with my best friend broke up at that point, as her ex stayed friends with my husband - and she thought I was taking sides when I was not).

Her 7 year old is now 16. He sees his mum occasionally, he doesn't live with her.

My friend paid an exceptionally high price for her freedom. She is a practicing Buddhist, she found her way around the pain and rebuilt her life. She is in a new relationship now and is happy. She found a new equilibrium. My friend has accepted she made the wrong choice for the father of her children however this is not entirely her fault.

For the record, he ex is a proper prick, as far as I can see. Manipulative and lazy, however very clever and charming to strangers. She was and is a wonderful woman and mother.

For the record, I did warn my friend she might lose the custody of her children. She was always working full-time whilst he was in and out of jobs. Lots of women do not realise losing custody could happen. You are certainly not alone.

You said, your ex was making amends in relation to his EA. It has only been 5 days since you separated. I know I am probably going against the grain of this thread.

However, I am a very practical woman. I have been married for a very long time. My husband and I periodically go through times when we absolutely dislike each other to the point we sleep in separate bedrooms. In those time the only thing that keeps me in marriage is imaging my first Christmas as a divorced woman. This is always enough for me to discard the idea of divorce and start thinking what I need to do to improve my marriage.

Especially after what I saw happened to my friend.

I am really not here to advise you what to do.

However, based on what I know about my friend's situation, and on your posts, I think you need to give the idea of reconciliation a serious thought. Your ex is now hurting too. Being left is devastating to anyone. Getting back together might be easier than you think. Especially so early on, before he found another shoulder to cry on. Depending on circumstances, you might even get him to commit to marriage counselling to improve how you communicate with each other.

@Kosenrufugirl you’ve given some very safe advice here. I’m taking heed especially what you said about Christmas.

@SlateandSteel I have teen ds, when my ds was the same age as yours a few of his male friends lived the majority of the time with their dads. I don’t know the reasons why but I know one dad lived very close to his school so it made sense for him to live there as opposed to further away. Another friend whose parents divorced post secondary chose to live with his dad as he lived closer to his friends. Funnily enough the mums had fully custody of the younger dds.

On the back of this thread I asked my ds if his friend still lived with his dad now that he didn’t need to be so close to the school and he said that his friend was spending a lot more time at his mums.

I remember at the time really feeling for the mums who lost custody of their teen ds.

I have no advice, I hope it’s a fluid situation which will right itself over time. You’ve been dealt some harsh responses on here which i hope you don’t take to heart.

When posters bandy about LTB they don’t take into account dealing with manipulative ex dh’s and how dc will react.

Really hoping this is just a temporary blip.

Thank you

If I knew how DS would react I would never have left. My freedom is not worth it if it means losing custody of DS. Ex knows this though and I doubt he would have me back as he says it’s only cos I’m upset about DS and not about him.

It's been less than a week.
Let the dust settle.
Things will change as time goes on.
You haven't lost your child forever.

Thank you 💕 I’m just going to focus on having fun days out with him, making him nice food and keeping everything low key. Might suggest a night away in a hotel too.

I did mess up and lose his trust as I originally said that in about 3 weeks we would discuss him stopping over and obviously I then cocked up by bringing it up and putting pressure on him for this weekend. I’m a dick! 😞

Is your ex not upset about his son being upset? Most children want both parents living under the same roof. Would your ex be prepared to try for the sake of the children?

Apologise. When you do something wrong you should apologies. I think it's really good for children.to know that adults don't always get it right. It's also good role modeling.

I would say..
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought up you staying over. We agreed that we would discuss it again in three weeks and I didn't wait. I think I got scared that i wouldnt get to spend as much time with you if your not staying over. I want you to feel comfortable staying and not pressurised. Are you still happy to discuss it again in 3 weeks? In the meantime are there any daytrips or activities you might like to do together?