Is it unreasonable for husband to give his siblings Power of Attourney (financial), instead of me?

[Imaresponsibleadult]

Exactly that.

I was sorting out a cupboard and found a document dated 2 years after our marriage, giving his siblings financial P o Attorney (England).

He had done this without telling me and his shitty siblings agreed to it!
We've been married over 15 years and his siblings control his bank account and savings if he was unable to??!! WTF

Im not a gambler and don't go nuts with money. I'm responsible- I'm the one who moves accounts to gain more interest!
I'm fuming that he's kept it secret for over 12 years, despite me saying to him that we both need to Wills etc.
Devious!!

Congratulations on taking the first step to a new life. Please don't give up. Your knew life can only get better.

Once you have experienced something like that, anything now is on the up.

I think he does. understand perfectly that his behaviour is upsetting you. Men do that. He knows what he is doing.

He may be turning you into a nervous wreck, someone who jumps whenever they hear a noise. He wants you to feel uncomfortable. It is the adult version of the toddler trying to see how far they can go before mum cracks.

Don't let him do it. Get back to that solicitor. What did he say about legal aid? He must have told you what his charges are.(or hers, of course)

What man doesn't? He is sending you round the bend and they are telling you you have to do more for him.

Do you really think he doesn't understand what he is doing to you?

Only a solicitor can advise you how to move forward. You have to discuss it with your solicitor and follow his advice. That is what they are trained to do. Your case is unique, even if it is similar to others, because the circumstances are vital in such cases.

Get a divorce lawyer. They have studied cases and know the problems you might face. You can ask hundreds of people, but unless they have training, no matter how similar, the experiences of untrained people will not help you.

My X would swear black was white just to argue about it. That is what men do. Leave him before you lose your mind. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets.

Ignore threats. The first time I tried to divorce my X he sat the children down on the sofa and said ;' Your mother wants to divorce me and leave. If she does that, I shall kill myself, You don't want daddy to kill himself, do you?'

Of course they cried.

Don't, please. let that happen to you and your children.

Thanks everyone for your continued encouragement to stand my ground.
Someone we both know is pregnant and i got very upset last night when this reminded me that despite me asking him to come with me to the 10 week scan (after long treatment for a missed miscarriage), he never came with me to any.
It's a pattern of behaviour.
He says we can't go on like this and wants to kiss and make-up.
I don't think I can.
I don't want to see his family either.
All i can think is has he lent or given them money i know nothing about? I feel he's made me look ignorant (and therefore stupid).

I need to tell him this.

You need to discuss the whole thing with a divorce lawyer.

I have done.
He genuinely doesn't understand what he's done to upset me, despite me telling him.

@Imaresponsibleadult dont ‘discuss’ it any more. He will not acknowledge that he has done anything wrong, and it just enrages you further. Grey rock, keep your powder dry and hope your lawyer is good.

@Imaresponsibleadult

I need to tell him this.

You don't need to tell him anything. You want to make him see your point of view.

He genuinely doesn't understand what he's done to upset me, despite me telling him.

No, and he never will. To him his behaviour is normal, your reactions to it are abnormal.

So the bottom line? Quit trying to make him understand something that he doesn't want to understand. Focus on what you want to carve out a new life without him and then work to achieve it.

Hello.
I thought I'd update a bit, to say thanks for helping me realise he's probably not going to change.
I'm being supported by a Support Worker from a local women's charity to help me realise his behaviour is wrong (hiding financial info) and how to not fall into the same trap again.

Does anyone know if a loan has to be noted anywhere?
I can't find documentation relating to a loan (£15k!), he made to his family member to buy a house.
I thought loans had to documented, something to do with tax i think.

If it was a loan they would have to be making repayments which show up somewhere in the accounts. I think this is again a matter for advice from experts. There is a Government site which is a guide to Money Management. They may be able to help you.

You could try asking a question of google or whatever search engine you use, or you could instruct a private investigator. If you do that make sure they belong to an association which protects clients.

A solicitor or accountant could also find out for you. They charge as well. Try online yourself for free.

Thanks llizzie.
Problem is that he has at least one account hidden from me - I've looked and can't find any statements containing info about this loan, eg how it was transferred to the house-buyer or to their conveyancer.
The investigation would be carried out i suppose by a forensic accountant.
The thing is, I probably would have agreed to the loan if it was properly documented and someone guaranteed it.

I tried talking to him about how i feel and he dismissed me as "living in the past".
I told him I can't talk to him.
I wasn't angry, I was very matter-of-fact.
Is this grey walling?

@Imaresponsibleadult I think you mean he was ‘stonewalling’ you. It is pointless talking to him about how you feel, as he is simply not interested - he really does not care. And you will never get the responses you are hoping for. He is only interested in himself and his family and money it seems. He will never ‘get’ your point of view and you are wasting your time trying to make him understand. That is the sad truth, he is not your friend.

Yes, exactly 😔

You can make verbal contracts, I don't think it would have to be documented. I doubt it's been done as a loan though, banks usually won't allow someone to use a deposit they've borrowed and have any one else with a claim even unsecured over the property. In these situations the person giving the money may well have to to sign something saying its a gift and that they don't have any claim over the property for the bank to allow it.

How is your house owned, is it jointly or tenants in common? The former includes the right of survivorship meaning the property always passes to the remaining joint owner on death
and as far as I know he can't will that away. If your property is owned as tenants in common he can will his share to someone else. The assumption is usually 50/50 if unspwcified, though divorce can lead to either party getting more or less than this amount depending on individual circumstances and care or any minor children.

Elifurtle, i can't find any signed documents saying its a gift.
So it's either not been documented or it has been and it's not kept in my home.
So I'm thinking that as I only found out cos someone else told me, that the £15k lent or gifted would come out of my husband's estate and my children and I have lost that cash.

Our marital home might come to me but there's a mortgage on it.
How could I pay the mortgage without money?
I have to find out if his life policy will pay the mortgage, and I need money for running costs.
Surely my husband should go thru this with me, as opposed to me asking, him telling me papers are in a cupboard and I have to find it all out for myself??

Setting your mind at rest is the most important thing you can do at the moment. It is more important than money, or him. It is you that matters right now. If you can, make a list of what you have done so far and the results, it may put some perspective into the problems. Take a deep breath now and again and think back.

Go back as far as you can remember and see just what has been happening. Something far back might give you a clue. So much is paperless now, which makes it more difficult, but most financial transactions send out an annual summary.

Stop saving passwords for financial matters. Keep a record of them somewhere else. Better still, try to remember them. They are as precious as a PIN.

If you have not kept all your bank statements, mortgage statements, and any other financial statements by month or year, up to now, I do urge you to do so from now on. I have saved mine for years, and very useful that has turned out to be in the past. Have you opened up your own bank accounts? If you have not, do it. Don't be conned into the ''you don't trust me' routine. That is for teenagers trying to get a late pass. Stand your ground!

If you have a printer, or can access one, print off whatever financial records are in the computer 'history'. Go back as far as you can. It takes time, but it will help you. You may need a computer technician to help you.

Failing that, there are experts who can find all the information stored on the hard drive, interpret it and see what someone else is hiding. If you have ever had access to a computer he uses, prove it, and his computer hard drive can be accessed too, even if he has changed his passwords.

I have never had to do this myself, so I don't know how much it would cost.

Prove to yourself that you can remain calm in any situation, if you can. It will be a very useful defence mechanism in the future.

Thanks again Llizzie.
I've begun to so what u recommended and in 15 mins, I've noticed that he remortgaged.
From there, I will ask him where the extra money borrowed is.

What do you mean by 'might'? Are you not joint owners? Check with a solicitor whether you are 'tenants in common'. If you are, then the house is automatically yours if he should decease before you.

Don't you have ANY income at all? Are you safeguarding your national insurance contributions while you are bringing up children? You must find out from the Government web sites how to claim points for state pension for raising children. (I apologise if I have missed your post about this, if you posted already.) You can be credited with points. If you don't work, you won't have a sizeable pension, and will have to claim benefits, which is unfair if you have given him the best years of your life and he has worked you like a slave.

I would say that most life assurance policies would cover the outstanding mortgage capital at least, but if you are not the beneficiary, it will not help you in the future.

Do you know who the beneficiary is on his life assurance policy? It might not be you. Don't rely on it for your future.

Don't ask him to 'go through' anything together.

I think you should divorce him, for your safety if for nothing else. People who run houses for 'battered women' have so many answers to questions, and you don't have to turn up at their door to get those answers, and they won't charge solicitor's fees either. They may not give you legal advice, because that is not allowed, but they can certainly give some answers based on their experiences.

If you divorce, you can set up your own house. You may have to go on benefits to do that, but don't shy away from that. Millions of people are claiming benefits and you should do so, but you have to be on your own, as your husband's income will be taken into account.

Talking of which, if you can find a bolt hole somewhere, and start separation proceedings. Then claim for benefits. The DWP will access your husband's records and see what his earnings are. It won't effect you if you are separated, but if he has some shady dealings going on, they will investigate for free. They won't tell you anything, but they will surely keep an eye on him. What have you got to lose if you start that ball rolling?

You have a lot to lose if you stay with him.

He refused to put me on the Deeds unless I contributed towards the mortgage, which I can't do cos he won't cooperate with school runs/holidays allowing me to work.
I applied for Home Rights years ago and it's on the Deeds.
I checked on the land registry entry.
He got a surprise when I did it and I said it was to make sure that it's known that I live here.

I sorted out my NI contributions.
Took hours.
He didn't know about it or how to do it, so I had to learn.

I've spoken with a support worker who said to gather info as long as it's safe and to speak with her before telling him its over, to have a safe plan.