Is it unreasonable for husband to give his siblings Power of Attourney (financial), instead of me?

[Imaresponsibleadult]

Exactly that.

I was sorting out a cupboard and found a document dated 2 years after our marriage, giving his siblings financial P o Attorney (England).

He had done this without telling me and his shitty siblings agreed to it!
We've been married over 15 years and his siblings control his bank account and savings if he was unable to??!! WTF

Im not a gambler and don't go nuts with money. I'm responsible- I'm the one who moves accounts to gain more interest!
I'm fuming that he's kept it secret for over 12 years, despite me saying to him that we both need to Wills etc.
Devious!!

He doesn't trust you - that's the messages

i agree with @dontcryformeargentina - for whatever reason he trusts his siblings more than you, the person he chose to have children with. The only way forward I see, and I do t say this lightly, is divorce- this way you know exactly where you stand and what you get. In the event he’s is not fit to make decisions or dead you’d be dependent on what his sibling decide, which isn’t right. He refuses to discuss matters which is a mask w red flag.
i know of someone who was advised to select a person responsible for the estate different than their spouse, but the spouse was present and was explained why it made sense and agreed. This is not your case though.

Do you use a joint account for food shopping? If you do then get cashback every time you shop and start hiding that money away for leaving. I did this when I left my abusive ex as it only shows on a statement as the store, and not that you have taken cashback. Just make sure to dispose of the reciept. It wasn't a joint account I was using but I worried about him checking my account and seeing money taken out or being used in stores that would raise questions. I used the cash to get a home started up with a second hand sofa, carpets etc paid for with cash that I had stashed away.

I think im married to your husband too...

You will drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking about whether he will get sick and the siblings run your life.

The best thing you can do is to consult a solicitor. It costs money, but you need to know where you stand legally, and only a solicitor can tell you. You could also ask about legal aid, because from the sound of it you have absolutely no money of your own except what you can salvage from the housekeeping, unless you get yourself a part time job, and there are those around, and if it is far enough away, he won't even know.

It is up to you. You cannot lose by consulting a solicitor, and you certainly will lose your self respect if you keep going round in circles worrying about it.

It is wrong for a man to marry a woman who he does not think capable of managing the household if he cannot at some time in the future, unless he knows that some time in the future he will not be able to. You might get hints of that if you trace his family tree and see what his ancestors died of. It would put your mind at rest on that point if they did not have dementia or other disabling diseases. He most certainly should not have had children if there are.

If you want to put your mind at a little bit of rest, so that you can be sure of any sicknesses that can be passed down the generations, you can join one of the many family tree sites. I traced my family tree back quite a way, and my late husband's back to 1590. You do not have to go back that far. You can find their death certificates in your search and see what they died of.

If nothing else, it will keep your mind occupied on something positive, and those sites have experienced helpers who love to help.

It's crap, isn't it. X

I'm putting plans in place.
I can't stay with him.

Did I mention he was late for a hospital appt with me during a high-risk pregnancy, cos he went shopping for his sister 30 mins before we had to leave home?
I tried so hard.
I'm very sad.

Have you consulted a solicitor yet? I do advise you do that right away and put your mind at rest. These seem to be reasonable reasons for divorce.

If you don't want a divorce, you should still see a solicitor without delay.

@Imaresponsibleadult

I agree with this. You need to see a solicitor right away, before he 'suspects' anything and starts hiding things even more than he is now. Be 'stealth' and say or do nothing to rouse suspicions, see a solicitor, get ducks in a row.

Oh, and if you're in the UK, you don't need 'grounds' for a divorce. UK now has 'no fault' divorce.

He sounds a bit too invested with his sister. Ick!

I hope you get your freedom, so you can find happiness.

He sounds like a real jackazz.

Too close with all his family.
I never had a chance to develop a partnership with him.

Have you consulted a solicitor yet?

I wonder if it should be a no fault divorce, because from what I see there isn't any fault on her part unless there is something she isn't saying. Is there no way that a judge can give her and her children more maintenance if the faults are one sided?
It sounds a little unfair, even though it is cheaper. A solicitor would be able to advise her on that, if she goes to a divorce solicitor.

Early stages with solicitor.

If that means you are just looking for one, or have made an appointment, it is good, but not really early stages that will make your life easier, is it?

You have to take the bull by the horns and act, and that means sitting down with a solicitor and discussing the problem.

None of us, with the best will in the world, can do more than tell your to get legal advice.

No fault is exactly that. A judge can't just decide to 'find fault' in a no fault system. That's the point of 'no fault'. It stops one party from forcing the other party to stay in an unhappy marriage by delaying and fighting against the finding of fault against them or refusing to allege fault against the one who wants to leave.

Maintenance was not designed to be a 'punishment', it's for the good of the children. What if the parent who kept the children was the one 'at fault'? Should that parent get less maintenance as a punishment? No. You'd be punishing the children, not the parent.

A divorce solicitor is going to tell her that there is no finding of fault. One files a petition saying the marriage has 'irretrievably broken down' or some such legal language. It's simply 'legalese' for "I'm done, no going back".

Granted that maintenance is not supposed to be a punishment. I have never heard that term used before. I cannot think how anyone would think that supporting a wife and children should be called punishment at all.

In this case the OP has been kept in ignorance of her future, and that of her children. When people marry it is assumed that everything they do is for the better of both, and for the future of both, and their children. When a man and woman marry they leave their homes and families and set up a new home, have children, and all their endeavours are made for the future enjoyment of all.

Now a wife has discovered that this isn't so, that the man she married has tied himself not to his wife and family, but to his own family from whom he should by now have detached himself. Not only that, but he has created a future which must be unacceptable to any woman. He has the right in law to do that, sadly, but he does not have the right to deny his family security in their future without any indication he has done so. It goes against the marriage vows wherever they are made.

It makes me wonder if it isn't grounds for annulment, come to think of it. I am probably wrong. He promised to love and cherish, and it can be argued that he has broken that promise.

We do not know the reason why. We cannot even be sure that the OP is actually experiencing it, and not a friend, or God forbid, one of his siblings.

I cannot think how anyone would think that supporting a wife and children should be called punishment at all.

@llizzie

Of course there should be mutual support during a marriage. But maintenance is for after a divorce/separation. At that point, unless a court orders alimony, there is no responsibility to support the ex-spouse. The children, yes, but not the ex-spouse.

You're the one who suggested that if a person is 'at fault' that perhaps they should pay more maintenance simply based on that fact. I said that that is not the intent of the law. The intent of the law is that maintenance is to provide for the children's needs based on the legal calculations, period. If the court orders alimony, again, it's based on legal calculations. To say "You did X bad thing, therefore you must pay more than the law would normally have you pay" would be to punish the person for breaking the marriage. Sometimes we'd like to do that, but that's not the intent of the law in 'no fault' cases.

I've consulted with a solicitor (for an hour).
I think i need to go for a Divorce.
I'm very upset.
There's no choice.

He won't discuss finances even when I ask him to. It's been the same since we got married.
He tells me I should trust him and that I'm distracting him from his work - 8 pm at night or at weekends.
I said to him this morning that I'm leaving him alone to work as he asked me to - I'm going out this pm.
He said he's got nothing else to do.
I said spend time with me or the children but you've made your choice.
I wasn't angry, I'm sad when I said this.

He paints himself as the victim.
The hardworker whose wife doesn't appreciate how lucky she is not to be homeless and she should be grateful for every crumb thrown her way.

Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you should be grateful for the crumbs.

Sorry to hear this but he’s leaving you no choice this is on him I hope you can find someone else to respect you further down the line. You will grieve for your marriage but he’s basically saying money and work and his siblings are more important than you and his kids.

He's sent me a message saying that I look good in what I'm wearing and that he can't communicate with me without aggravation. I've gone out this afternoon.

He can't communicate with me 'without aggravation' cos he wants to control the conversation.
He doesn't have any understanding of why his behaviours upset me.

That's exactly how he sees himself. And how he sees you. He's the great 'I Am' from whom all blessings flow, and your role is to be the adoring but useless appendage. And you aren't sticking to the script, how very dare you!

Now that you know you'd be better off without him, just take a deep breath and move quietly but deliberately into your new future. Retain a solicitor, get your ducks in a row. The longest journey begins with a single step.

The time has come to ignore him. Don't respond, don't rise to the bait. Leave him to wallow in his self pity. As the old saying goes "The dog barks but the caravan passes on". You just start packing up your caravan.