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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Is it unreasonable for husband to give his siblings Power of Attourney (financial), instead of me?

293 replies

Imaresponsibleadult · 21/02/2025 19:11

Exactly that.

I was sorting out a cupboard and found a document dated 2 years after our marriage, giving his siblings financial P o Attorney (England).

He had done this without telling me and his shitty siblings agreed to it!
We've been married over 15 years and his siblings control his bank account and savings if he was unable to??!! WTF

Im not a gambler and don't go nuts with money. I'm responsible- I'm the one who moves accounts to gain more interest!
I'm fuming that he's kept it secret for over 12 years, despite me saying to him that we both need to Wills etc.
Devious!!

OP posts:
Lokens · 23/03/2025 10:49

OP, delighted to hear you have involved a forensic accountant.
My friends sisters husband had an affair and told her he wanted to divorce.
They both worked and had two children mid teens.
She was advised to get one.

What they found was that two years earlier he had gifted his younger brother 200k towards a lovely apartment from an account she knew nothing of.
The apartment was in his brothers name and he was paying the reasonable morgage as "rent".

He had also gifted the brother monies for the outfitting of the apartment.

He had clearly thought he was very clever and would get away with it.
He also neglected to make any mention of it in his declaration apparently.

It was submitted by her solicitor and the judge was seriously unimpressed with his dishonesty.

He bleated on about it being a "gift" that he forgot about. He hadn't even told his own solicitor about it.

She was very very happy with getting the house and a slice of his pension.

I think they are so worth laying for in a divorce to a sneaky man.
She now thinks there must have been other affairs.

BySnappyKoala · 23/03/2025 10:50

Imaresponsibleadult · 23/03/2025 10:42

He knows I'm going thru the filing cabinet and making lists of savings accounts, which is how I got thinking in the first place.
I asked him if he knew account and sorting codes for our children's savings.
He doesn't, so I told him I'm making a list of important info in case I'm incapacitated, cos it happens.

Are finding anything incriminating in there? Because if not I think you can assume the reason he’s happy with you looking through it is because he’s removed / saved anything of note elsewhere. I don’t mean to be point out the obvious, but what I’m saying is, he could be painting a picture of all above board by being deliberate with the contents of that filing cabinet.

StripyPanda · 23/03/2025 10:56

good idea… you need to keep being stealth,
you could maybe contact the bank or submit a DSAR request?
it must be possible for account details to be obtained in certain circumstances ie: house fires/floods or your situation (financial abuse) maybe this is something the forensic accountant will be able to help with?
keep safe though

FastCoralViper · 23/03/2025 12:21

Hi op Iv had your post on watch since your first post and haven’t said anything so far because I don’t have anything practical to offer at all , but I do have a handhold to offer 💜 I was financially abused for years albeit not on this scale and was emotionally abused and I had a support worker who helped me clean up his hoarded mess and get rid of him too when I was finally able to . It was scary especially with 4 young ones and the isolation he had created for me but I got there and once safe and able to rebuild it was freeing . I’m wishing you well and all the happiness in the world and everything you deserve to take from this marriage and it hits him right where it hurts ! Good luck going forward and for the future I’m rooting for you 💐.

Imaresponsibleadult · 23/03/2025 12:35

Shit, it is on a massive scale.
I found a document starting he gifted £100k to a sibling for a property deposit.
Bit of paper screwed up back of a drawer on solicitors headed paper.
I'm in pieces, I had no idea.
Who has £100,000 lying around?! After tax?
I'm assuming he had to prove he had the money in a bank account as cash?

Please, I need support and encouragement to list these figures, I need to document this and be strong when he keeps saying it's his money.
I can't take all this in and not tell him I can't trust him and I'm filing for divorce.

OP posts:
BySnappyKoala · 23/03/2025 12:58

Imaresponsibleadult · 23/03/2025 12:35

Shit, it is on a massive scale.
I found a document starting he gifted £100k to a sibling for a property deposit.
Bit of paper screwed up back of a drawer on solicitors headed paper.
I'm in pieces, I had no idea.
Who has £100,000 lying around?! After tax?
I'm assuming he had to prove he had the money in a bank account as cash?

Please, I need support and encouragement to list these figures, I need to document this and be strong when he keeps saying it's his money.
I can't take all this in and not tell him I can't trust him and I'm filing for divorce.

You’ve got this—really, you do. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that reacting too quickly could cost you the chance to uncover everything. Right now, your priority is gathering all the information because who knows what else he may have hidden?

Once you’ve steadied yourself- maybe go get some fresh air, focus on the practical steps. Where will you record everything—an email, a secure document? Write it all down in detail and email it to your solicitor as soon as possible. If necessary, consider deleting the email afterward.

This is shocking and overwhelming, but you need to push through. If it helps, think of it as simply collecting numbers and data rather than dwelling on what they mean emotionally. Get everything in one place first—processing it can come later when you’re ready.

Most importantly, do not put yourself in danger—physically, emotionally, or financially—by revealing what you know too soon. Keep your cards close and stay strategic.

You deserve justice. He has financially abused you for years, and you need to secure enough to protect yourself and your children. That will be much harder if you don’t stay calm and hold your nerve.

I also wonder if there’s some illegal, money laundering activity going on here. Some income on the side? Have you seen his payslips? Are you in the uk? Any chance he’s selling prescription drugs?

Stay strong—you are doing incredibly well.

Imaresponsibleadult · 23/03/2025 14:32

I'm SO ANGRY with him.
Please, how do I stay calm and not tell him to get out cos I've got proof he's giving marital pot money away?
I'm furious.

OP posts:
Lokens · 23/03/2025 14:47

I get you are angry but do you want to be angry or clever.
Do not do anything that you will regret.
You will be even more furious.

Channel your anger into just how pissed off this twat will be when you issue divorce proceedings.
Let that knowledge calm and salve your anger.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2025 14:48

@Imaresponsibleadult

You must stay calm and say nothing!!! You do this for your future and that of your children. Don't sacrifice your and the DC's future for the momentary satisfaction of letting him have it right now. Deep breath. Keep repeating "The time will come, the time will come". Because it will. The time will come when it is right and safe to blast him and his family into perdition with both barrels. But that time is NOT NOW. Right now is the time for you to plan and gather information. And the 'revenge' will be all the sweeter for your patience and silence now.

Remember...."The time will come, the time will come".

Imaresponsibleadult · 23/03/2025 14:57

I want to be clever and get what the children and I are entitled to.- and extra if possible.
How will I get it - by staying calm and getting info.
I've left him with the children this pm - i exploded after my daughter ate in my bed.

OP posts:
BySnappyKoala · 23/03/2025 15:06

Imaresponsibleadult · 23/03/2025 14:57

I want to be clever and get what the children and I are entitled to.- and extra if possible.
How will I get it - by staying calm and getting info.
I've left him with the children this pm - i exploded after my daughter ate in my bed.

Can you avoid him when you get home? Tell him you’re unwell and go to bed? Or go and see a friend this evening? How much time will you be likely to spend together this week? Can to you put plans in place to keep busy and out of his way?

Perhaps try picturing his face when you serve papers and he realises what he’s going to loose. Picture the smug look being wiped off his siblings faces. Imagine the feeling of calm and satisfaction when this is over and he’s got his comeuppance. Keep that in mind to hold it together when you want to lash out. Stay smart.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 23/03/2025 17:36

@Imaresponsibleadult we keep telling you! a forensic accountant will find it!!

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2025 18:56

Imaresponsibleadult · 23/03/2025 14:57

I want to be clever and get what the children and I are entitled to.- and extra if possible.
How will I get it - by staying calm and getting info.
I've left him with the children this pm - i exploded after my daughter ate in my bed.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by you 'exploded' after your DD ate in your bed. But I'm going to hope that you didn't explode at her.

Listen, right now you are living with heightened emotions. Things, even little things, are going to seem more serious than they are and you will possibly overreact because you are on high alert. So you need to be extra aware of that and give yourself grace to ignore those things (for now).

I get not wanting your children to eat in your bed. But as a lovely granny once told me "From this, little children do not die". There may have been a mess to clean up, but in the grand scheme of 'what's going on right now', it's something you need to let go. There will be time later to be more strict, but for now let some things go. Focus on what you need to focus on, save the 'big emotions' for that.

Give DD a hug, remind her calmly that we don't eat in the bed. Then let it go.

StripyPanda · 23/03/2025 20:05

we understand your heightened emotions … try and go out for a drive or to your family who you can discuss this with … you are going to get so much more satisfaction when you play the long game here instead of blowing it now… u know he’s hiding things from you so try and expect to find out more so it doesn’t come as such a shock.
remember these things

1 you are doing nothing wrong
2 he is hiding stuff (u just need to find out exactly what)
3 you are looking for all evidence of deception and maybe criminality
4 you have started along the correct route by getting yourself a forensic accountant, a solicitor and a social worker (keep them informed of any new findings)
5 the more you can find out the more you will benefit in the long run
6 all this stress, anger and humiliation is for a reason… to set you and your children up for your future
7 you WILL win but you have to wait a little longer before starting divorce proceedings
8 we are all routing for you

Bambiisasillybilly · 24/03/2025 10:36

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 23/03/2025 17:36

@Imaresponsibleadult we keep telling you! a forensic accountant will find it!!

She has already spoken to a forensic accountant "I've spoken with a forensic accountant who recommended a solicitor, who straight away said financial abuse."

Bambiisasillybilly · 24/03/2025 10:50

You got this and remember you have a future to look forward to. It doesn't include lying or deceit. Save your anger and tears for when it's over. Right now you have to remain strong for your children.

Lokens · 24/03/2025 14:18

Getting every penny for your children is in your childrens best interests.
Keep reminding yourself of this fact.
Gather everything you can for the solicitor to use.
If he neglects to fill out the declaration form honestly, and the judge is informed, all the better.

Letting rip at him will give him knowledge and power.
Don't do it.
Ignore him, be pissed off if you want.

But keep quiet as to exactly what you know.

Imaresponsibleadult · 24/03/2025 17:23

I'm very grateful to all of you.

I found his pension statement.
I asked him about using some of it to pay off the mortgage.
He looked resentful/stonyfaced when I asked him.
I keep telling myself he doesn't see me as an equal person and that oddly makes it easier to deal with him.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 24/03/2025 17:26

@Imaresponsibleadult you have all this info now so why are you still with this guy?? respect yourself and leave. get right to a solicitor and file for divorce and cms. go for half of everything! you keep telling him what you know and he will hide it even more! even if he just gives it to his family. he will do anything to keep your hands off it so stay quiet!

TheMimsy · 24/03/2025 17:43

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld probably as she’s still gathering info and making plans and needs somewhere to live.

once she shows her hand it’s really going to ramp up his behaviour.

Imaresponsibleadult · 24/03/2025 18:11

Exactly Mimsy.
There's so much and I'm so tired.
I'm nearly at the end of sorting it.
No point starting proceedings until I've got as much info as I can .
I also want to gather my info ready for form E, cos once papers are served, I need to support two upset children.

OP posts:
Lokens · 24/03/2025 18:49

You are amazing. Keep telling yourself that.

NZDreaming · 24/03/2025 19:27

Imaresponsibleadult · 24/03/2025 17:23

I'm very grateful to all of you.

I found his pension statement.
I asked him about using some of it to pay off the mortgage.
He looked resentful/stonyfaced when I asked him.
I keep telling myself he doesn't see me as an equal person and that oddly makes it easier to deal with him.

@Imaresponsibleadult in most cases you can’t withdraw pension funds in advance of planned retirement without incurring significant penalties. It might be different if it’s private vs work pension but the government incentivises saving via pension and so heavily tax early withdrawal.

Imaresponsibleadult · 24/03/2025 21:59

Thanks NZD.
He didn't say that to me, he got a look on his face like he was preparing himself for dental treatment.

OP posts:
StripyPanda · 24/03/2025 22:46

unfortunately OP i think you are correct….he does not see you as an equal… if he did he would not contemplate trying to go behind your back with enormous secrets of betrayal like he is doing… i would be careful as you asking him to pay off mortgage with the pension might set a few alarm bells ringing in his already sneaky brain…although it’s terribly hard …try and act as though everything is peachy (not too ott) just as normal as possible.. you will reap the rewards very soon i have no doubt about that.
i would kill to be a fly on the wall when the realisation hits home for him 😉

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