Is it unreasonable for husband to give his siblings Power of Attourney (financial), instead of me?

[Imaresponsibleadult]

Exactly that.

I was sorting out a cupboard and found a document dated 2 years after our marriage, giving his siblings financial P o Attorney (England).

He had done this without telling me and his shitty siblings agreed to it!
We've been married over 15 years and his siblings control his bank account and savings if he was unable to??!! WTF

Im not a gambler and don't go nuts with money. I'm responsible- I'm the one who moves accounts to gain more interest!
I'm fuming that he's kept it secret for over 12 years, despite me saying to him that we both need to Wills etc.
Devious!!

I think they have to prove where it came from. Anti money laundering

It sounds like financial abuse and coercive control via financial abuse.

Have you mentioned the police and reporting him to the police when you serve divorce papers?

Is he a medical professional?
How would accusations of emotional abuse, coercive control, and financial abuse impact his career and ability to practice?

A good forensic accountant can usually find very quickly what most civilians try to hide.

Have you spoken to your solicitor about hiring one?

It's hitting me today - emotionally not physically I mean.
I think I don't really know my husband at all - i thought I could trust him to look after me but I can't.
There's nothing left to our marriage.
He sees me as a nanny/housekeeper.

@Imaresponsibleadult it’s a heartbreak I know - to realise this about a husband. A man who is supposed to love and cherish you, but you will get through this. You are a lot more than a nanny and housekeeper, though these are very valuable roles. You are a mother and you’ll be a tigress for your cubs! Keep calm, and play the long game. Keep telling yourself ‘it could be much worse, I’m strong and I’ll get through this for me and the dc’. And you will.

I thought i was enabling him to build a solid financial future for us.
I don't think he saw it/sees it that way.
I've wasted years on him.

I had a postnatal hospital check up due to a complicated pregnancy. He agreed to come with me and was late - cos he went shopping for his sister!! I was distraught by this and the doctor didn't believe her ears when I told her.
I couldn't stop crying and was put on antidepressants. I think i realised then that it's over but I was recovering from a csection and exhausted.

I'm so sorry. I hope you can build a better life for yourself now moving forward.

@Imaresponsibleadult You have hit a wall but pick yourself back up and start climbing… you do not realise it yet but you are luckier than you think as at least you have found this information out now, yes it hurts and yes you will feel like you have been betrayed but get yourself sorted with a forensic accountant and you will be the winner in the end by securing a strong future for you and your children…. karma will get him eventually….
You could have been plodding along in this dead marriage for years and not found out til it was too late… i know it’s hard but be grateful you have more knowledge of his antics than he knows 😉
start divorce proceedings once you have all the financials clearly in front of you… wishing you good luck 🍀

Thanks Stripy.
I feel that I'm being laughed at behind my back, together with people colluding together to make sure I don't find out something I shouldn't know.
I don't know what it is, that i don't know, cos I don't know it!!

I'm dreading finding out who else he's lent or given money to.
On the other hand, I must know to protect mine and our children's future.

@Imaresponsibleadult exactly that ….you are being kept in the dark for a reason … DH and his family are probably colluding about money which must make you feel so humiliated but you will get the last laugh if you get the accountant sorted soon as… can u afford a forensic accountant? they range from £100-£500p/h but if u can get one this will prove invaluable to finding out what your DH does with his money and for how long he has been doing it… some FA’s may work for a flat fee too… i would ask around… once you have come out the other side and are financially secure you will look back on this time and wish you had done it sooner …. virtual hugs to u

@Imaresponsibleadult I would suggest you do not ask any of them anything else!! just go to a solicitor and file for divorce. and get a forensic accountant to view every single account before your dp tries to remove it bearing in mind that you still appear to be with him.

That's the right word, humiliated.
I'm going thru info and copying/screenshotting loads.
I've spoken with a solicitor who told me to gather information before I tell him.
Then my solicitor will know if he doesn't declare something.
It's stored in a cupboard we both have keys for, so it's allowed.

It's like I'm pulling a string and more and more unravels/questions are posed as to where the moneys gone.

My support worker mentioned 'male privilege', not just financial abuse by hiding his income even after I asked him not to.

well it seems you are doing all the right things, you may feel humiliated but keep in mind this is only while you have to ‘play along’ being the good wife… as soon as you confront him you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted, you hold all the cards atm as he is oblivious to what you are planning, also bear in mind that he will turn on you for doing this then he will grovel and plead and ask for forgiveness then he will be angry again but you have done NOTHING wrong, you were in a marriage as a partnership … HE CHOSE to be sneaky and treat you like an enemy by hiding his financials….does he not remember his marriage vows ‘for richer or for poorer’ he just wants you there to run the house and clean up behind him…it sounds like he thinks more of his sister than you (not healthy IMO) please keep us updated i am rooting for you ❤️

Thank you so much stripy.

I keep asking myself how could his family go along with it, then i realise that they benefit and also have a culture of male privilege, undermining the women's confidence.
I feel stupid and its so tiring processing that I'm seen as a nanny/housekeeper.
And so tiring fighting it too.

do not feel stupid… you will be able to ‘out’ him very soon… he will be so surprised that little ole u had this in you, just slowly pull back doing so much for him, you are more than a housekeeper and keep in mind your fighting for justice for you and your children’s future …. soon enough the fight will be over and you can sit back and dwell on your accomplishments… he will be seething

Have you got friends or family you can confide in to get support?

My family and friends are aware of what's going on.
They feel blindsided by him too and can't take in the enormity of his deceit.

If he's lent/gifted money to facilitate a property purchase (one of my suspicians), would the money have to be in his bank account to show to the conveyancer/mortgage company?
I wondering if that would explain where his salary's going if not put into our joint account (which i had to talk him into opening!).

I want to ask his family,especially the women, how they could conceal so much from me, and yet be nice to my face.
I feel manipulated.
I find it hard that women could act with men in using their 'male privilege'.

I could blow his family apart.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to defend myself to them, but I have to.
I'm scared for my children's relationship with their cousins and I'm upset at the loss of some people who haven't colluded.
I suppose I have to assume their all in on it, unless/until proved otherwise.😪😪😪

Yes, even if the money is a gift or loan, you'll likely need to demonstrate the funds are in your bank account and provide proof of their origin to your conveyancer and mortgage lender for anti-money laundering (AML) checks
You must declare any gifted or borrowed funds to your mortgage lender
The lender will require proof of the funds, including bank statements showing the money has been transferred to your account
The person gifting or lending the money will also need to provide evidence of where the funds came from, such as bank statements or documentation of asset sales
The person gifting the money will likely need to provide a "gifted deposit declaration" stating it's a non-repayable
These checks are standard practice and ensure the funds are not from illegal sources
Your conveyancer will also need to see evidence of the funds and their origin to ensure the transaction is legitimate
Lenders will want to see proof of the gift or loan, and the source of the funds, to satisfy their regulatory obligations
Proving the source of funds is a regulatory requirement because conveyancing is susceptible to fraud.

the above is just from google

they are managing to conceal this from you because they are benefitting from him so are just selfish and have no morals knowing you and your children are trundling along just ‘fine’ whilst they are in effect stealing from right under your nose… it baffles me that your DH is complicit in all this… does he provide and offer emotional support and guidance to your children that you both created (be a good dad)?
how can he be allowing his family to benefit from his own children’s / yours future at their detriment… you must be reeling in shock finding all this out but at least you have … that is where you hold the power.

Big big thanks Stripy.
I think you're right about his family.

The children and I have told them over many years, when he's working at weekends and doesn't attend family events etc, that he's working and doesn't have time to come or arrive with us and comes later.
The children tell them they want their dad with them and tell him too.
Of course his family tell us he has to work if he's bankrolling them!!

I feel so stupid!!!!

This is a horrific situation to be in, but you are handling it brilliantly.

For now, I think it’s best to write off his family. After the divorce, you’ll see who sticks around—some may be unaware of what’s happening, while others may be complicit. The divorce process may reveal their true positions, but that’s not your concern. The most important thing is to get yourself far away from these toxic people.

Have you spoken to your support worker and/or solicitor about financial abuse as part of the divorce proceedings? Some of this may help with regards security for your housing situation. This article may be helpful: Economic Abuse in Divorce.

Are you seeing a Family solicitor I.e, a specialist in divorce? I’d look for one that has expertise or can access expertise on financial abuse and I’d push for a forensic accountant as they are a specialist, don’t rely on the solicitor alone. They’re up to £500 a hour but can help track down hidden assets and check financial irregularities you (and your solicitor) won’t have access to.

He may be storing documents online rather than keeping physical copies, or he could be hiding paperwork elsewhere, at his families houses for example. Do you have access to his laptop, iPad, or other devices? If so, it might be worth checking for anything you can find - browser history, account login, banks that are not his usual etc.

Keep your powder absolutely dry until you have all of the information you need, and then file. Do not warn him you are going to do this, stealth and surprise are your biggest weapons here. Hard as it is, try to stay ‘as normal as possible’ with him. He does not value you and likely therefore will fundamentally underestimate you - use that to your advantage. Well done for telling family and friends but make sure they don’t say anything yet either.

it is totally acceptable to ‘feel’ stupid but you are NOT and you have proven that by digging into his finances and uncovering illicit activities….i would be feeling exactly how you are feeling humiliated /stupid/blindsided… but just because you are feeling/thinking this does not mean you actually are.
at least you can confide in your family, just make sure nobody lets slip to him or his family what you are looking into until all the checks have been done by the accountant? give him/them no opportunity to suspect you or hide more stuff from you.

I'm thinking documents online & physically stored elsewhere.
I've spoken with a forensic accountant who recommended a solicitor, who straight away said financial abuse.
Support worker said this too + male privilege.
They've both told me keep gathering info as long as its safe for me.
S worker said liaise with her as to how to tell him, to keep me safe.
I'm typing in incognito mode.

He knows I'm going thru the filing cabinet and making lists of savings accounts, which is how I got thinking in the first place.
I asked him if he knew account and sorting codes for our children's savings.
He doesn't, so I told him I'm making a list of important info in case I'm incapacitated, cos it happens.