Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

I am so sorry you’re going through this @Gnarly999 . You sound amazing; kind, insightful, intelligent and capable. You deserve so much better than this. The good news is that with this useless POS moving himself out of the way you are hopefully going to get it. Sometimes it takes a few years for it to become clear that one person in a relationship is a person of substance, and the other one…isn’t.

When I read your first post I saw instantly that your husband is a man child who can’t cope if he isn’t the centre of attention. I mean surely everyone knows that if you have three under five there is no ‘relationship’ as you have known it, just two people hustling all hours to make it work and occasionally giving each other a comradely hug as they pass in the hall. That’s just one both parents do, and if it feels to him more like a friendship than a romance then his perspective is lacking because a romance can’t always mean having his partner cater to his every whim.

Everything you have written since has just made him sound worse. I am so sorry, it must be so painful for you. Basically he was clearly not up to the job, and as soon as shit got real he has found the path of least resistance for an escape route. He doesn’t have the character to own it. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with you or anything you have or haven’t done. This is all on him and his failings as a person. He is not a good father, if he was he would be supporting the mother of his children in every possible way and putting his own needs aside in this phase of life.

Do not let extended family pressure you into trying to make this work. Don’t hold back on letting them know this is all his fault and that you deserve, and will find, better. This new girl is now wasting her time, you are free to move onwards and upwards. I hope family and friends can nurture you a bit as you go forward.

I expect he will manage to appear ish some way as a dad. The children will always know who really prioritised them though.

My friend's husband did it. Very ordinary bloke, well-paid job. It's why I don't see marriage as safety, it's remarkably easy to get away with if the man is a bit savvy and determined. I would always advise women to keep working and have their own bank account.

You poor love. Wishing you all the very best and I'm so glad you've found your anger. Remember...don't get mad, get everything. Don't buy any more necklaces, get the best divorce lawyer you can possibly afford. Possibly a forensic accountant also. I am rooting for you so hard and your kids will grow up seeing a strong, independent woman as their role model 💐

please listen to @AcrossthePond55

There is no point in getting him to admit to the affair. You have enough evidence to prove to yourself and anyone else who is interested that he was having an affair. And let’s face it, everyone will know soon enough.

If you have the ‘evidence’ it makes ZERO difference to any legal settlement in a divorce. Adultery is no longer grounds for divorce, but it can be a ‘fact’ in the reasons for marriage breakdown.

What is annoying you is that he is gaslighting you and denying it. But you know. He knows you know. And his parents will also know as he’ll introduce the girlfriend in a shockingly indiscreet time.

please try to drop this from your mind and focus on yourself and the future you want.

We she def got the boobie prize.

I’m sorry OP but this was inevitable. Remember, you are the smart one, you’ll be fine.

Sorry to read your update @Gnarly999 , but as you say, at least you now know that you weren't going mad and that there was indeed an OW.

I wouldn't bother with evidence, he'd probably still deny it. I found a work email chain between them (so with proper email addresses and email signatures) declaring their love for one another, I read it out to him and he still tried to claim that it only happened after we'd split up. Even though we were still in the process of splitting up and he hadn't yet moved out.

I know it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment but you will get through this and be happy again - perhaps even happier with him gone.

I've read all your posts, OP. Firstly, you sound incredible. Secondly, your husband is the kind of man who used to be cast out of communities in the old days for doing what he's done. For a man to leave his wife with their baby and very small kids is the absolute lowest of the low. "Despicable" doesn't even cover it. He will end up haunted with regret, OP, you mark my words. You cannot blemish your life the way he has without it catching up to you. The stain of shame will never leave him. He'll be badly thought of by anyone that knows him, and any future dating prospects worth their salt will run a mile when they figure out the timeline and how old the children were when he left. I'm sure I speak for many women when I say that I could never have warm feelings for a man who'd done this to someone.

He's pathetic, OP. He caved like a cheap table less than four years into fatherhood. Eventually, you will feel sorry for him for being so character-deficient.

As for the OW, words fail me. How can she take a father from a tiny baby and three helpless children? Again, this is a stain on her life and character that will never leave her. She's much younger than him, and she picks a man with a wife and three children? She must be completely mad. Your H is also mad, because companies take a very hard line on people sleeping with direct reports. Your H is not only a despicable cad, he's reckless, impulsive, and as irresponsible as a fifteen-year-old on drugs.

Just wait until she has an "accidental" pregnancy - and she will. Your H will find himself with two families, run ragged by both, and still unhappy.

A much better future awaits you, dear OP. You have done nothing wrong. It's all terribly sad for your children, but that's not your fault and is out of your control. I'm sure it doesn't seem like it now, but it's actually fortunate that this man hasn't wasted any more of your years. You said that you used to have an amazing relationship, so I feel very sorry for you because that is a hard loss.

I think parenthood sends some men round the twist. I have a friend who also used to have a great relationship with her husband, but a few years into fatherhood, he changed out of all recognition. He put them all through complete hell. They're now divorced and she's much happier.

For whatever reason, some men just turn into ice-cold monsters somewhere along the line. There's no use puzzling over it. Best to just work on accepting that this is who they are today - someone you wouldn't touch with a bargepole. It's hard to stop trying to make sense of it, but the truth is that you will probably never understand.

Many hugs to you, OP. Better times ahead.

Where he said he needed to 'just focus on work' was his indirect admission about the OW. I am so sorry you're going through this, he seems to have been checked out for sometime and blaming you although I think he needs to look closer to himself for that. Stay strong for your kids and in time you will be happy (even happier) again.

What a little man he is.

@Gnarly999 I'm so sorry. What an absolute shithead. It's really depressing how many threads you read on here where it is clear to an outsider the man is cheating, the wife says - he wouldn't, he's a nice guy - and then he is. So sad. At least now you know who he is. So treat him like that. Refresh your memory about all the horrible things he's said and done every time you need to deal with him. Fight hard. Ask him why he's taken your vase (I assume a lovely gift for OW). Ask him why he's stolen your half of the savings. Get it in writing. Get your ducks in a row. Take him to the cleaners. Remember this is nor about you, it's about him being selfish, weak, and stupid.

Such brilliant advice here I agree with it all. All the best OP ❤️

What a first class cockwomble...

Please find a good solicitor and provide all the info on things like the clearing of the savings account - also if you have any texts etc talking about bonus etc worth looking for these and keeping a copy.

I know it's difficult and you're struggling (understandably) with three small children, but things will improve.

Please don't listen to your father - he should be supporting you rather than trying to encourage you to try to sort things out with this awful specimen.

Have you got any longer term friends that you could at least talk to about him leaving and his affair?

Have you considered what version of child-sharing would suit you best? Lots of people have been suggesting that he has them every weekend - but this might not be what would be best for you?

As for your MiL - only you would know whether or not she is a sly manipulative person that's going to only do things that are best for her son, or whether she's someone that might actually be helpful in the future and with whom you want to maintain a positive relationship.

Focus the anger - use it to get things ticked off the list (the first thing on the list should be to make a list of things that need to be done - and seeing a solicitor should be high on the list!)

Rtft - her “D”H is a lying, cheating gaslighting prize prick with no respect for his wife and children.

Hmm.
The husband was having an affair, as things turned out.

You should have RTFT.

My kids were exactly your kids age when i found out he had chetaed and asked him to leave. It was not easy but 3 years down the line i feel the peace and it was mentally worth it. Wishing you
the best xx

Oh OP so sorry this has been the final outcome. I wonder if his workplace would be impressed with him having an extra marital affair, with a business colleague, on business time, on business expenses etc....just saying 🤔

Because he's a narcissist and they have to be "perfect" in everyone's eyes. He won't want his parents/family/friends/colleagues etc knowing he's a cheating piece of shit who left his wife and three young children will he? THAT won't fit in with the "great guy" image he tries to project.

No, much better to present that you're a psycho harridan who drove him away and then he can organically get together with OW later down the line when the dust has settled and everyone will think it's perfectly understandable for him to move on considering all the grief you put him through.

Tale as old as time!

Make sure you tell all and sundry the reality of the situation OP.

In OP's shoes, I'd tell his workplace in a hot second that he's shagging his employee, if OP didn't need him to be earning. He would lose his job if he's sleeping with a direct report, which it sounds like she is.

I'd definitely tell his parents though. And I wouldn't be sparing his blushes in his friend circle, or indeed anywhere that's not connected to his workplace.

This. Don't even think about going back to work atm OP. You need a shit hot lawyer is what you need - you are in a great position, you are likely to get more than half as your dc's are so young and also because you've given up your career to raise your children.

Hit him where it hurts now and get practical. And I know everyone has already said this but you must move all important paperwork, passports, marriage/birth certificates, valuables, even photos etc to your dp's house. Do this asap.

you said in an earlier post that she’s his employee? I assume they’re both employees for a company and you meant she is his report? If so, most companies have policies about personal relationships between managers and their reports…….

These men present their Mr Wonderful side to the OW - she won't have seen him masturbating in the kitchen to bikini models yet whilst she gets the baby to sleep upstairs.

He no doubt will be painting the "wife is always unhappy/is mentally ill" rhetoric to her too.

I was unwittingly the OW once to an older man who claimed he was going through a divorce. He wasn't - he just wanted a bit on the side - but his wife was "unhinged" too and had "taken an overdose and made his life hell for years". It was all bollocks.

These men are very good at lying and very good at manipulation and compartmentalising their different sides/personalities depending on who they are with.

Your thread is nearly full so you might want to start a new thread @Gnarly999 if you want support, or a place to vent, cry, scream and/or advice.
But if not, wishing you the very best for your future. In time, it will be a brighter place without your unworthy ex. I’m know you’ll be rising like a phoenix and leaving him behind in the ashes before too long. Take good care of yourself ❤️

This!

Make sure you tell his Mum asap! I would also say you are filing for divorce asap citing Adultery.

Men don’t seem to be able to deal with a stressful job and family life, they take uncomplicated single women when they realise having a family involved actual work on their part.

I honestly think this form of gaslighting mental torture should be a crime punishable by prison time. I suspect this would be the only think to attempt to stop these self absorbed middle aged men. I also think they come out very well in divorce, they should need to fully pay for their wife and kids until they are 18. Now these means tested contributions seem to allow them to live lovely bachelor lives why the women struggles. I wondered whether we should all chip in for a shot hot lawyer to draw up an iron tight pre nup / legal agreement that all women could ensure their partners sign ahead of agreeing to have children! We seem to have gone backwards.

Also, have you considered just walking out the door and not going back for a good week. Tell him that you need time to work things through yourself and it’s unrealistic to expect you to look after the kids whilst also be so emotionally exhausted and upset. Tell him he will need to take emergency leave from work and this should hurt his ego too having to put that request in! You need to do it for at least a week so he understand how hard it is to look after small kids (and I only have 1).

At the moment he is treating you terribly not pulling his weight!

Hopefully he hasn’t spent the money he withdrew. It’s half yours regardless. How awful of him to take this from you when you’re so vulnerable. He doesn’t love you as a friend. Friends don’t stiff over their friends. He’s just trying to keep you nice. Depending on how much he earns, you may be looking at a forensic accountant as well as a shit hot lawyer. I’m glad you found your anger.