Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Does the OW not feel guilty? Also she can’t have children with him because he has proved himself not father material.

I had married men come onto me frequently in my twenties you just don’t go there its gross.

Hi OP, I read all your posts from the beginning and it was as clear as day that he had another woman waiting in the wings from just your first few posts. You didn’t want to consider that as a possibility as you are a far better person than he is and you trusted him (which is completely understandable so be kind to yourself).

You’ve had some brilliant advice here so far but just my take on it (feeling very angry for you)

1. You know now that he is a lying manipulative cheat. He has strung you along, allowing you to think that he had “depression” or “stress” - chopping and changing his mind for weeks (probably correlating with whether or not he was getting on with OW at the time). How the fuck dare he?!! No more making excuses for him. There is no excuse for his disgusting behaviour.
2. He has tried to turn this around on you - bringing up things from years ago - so that he can somehow re-write history and make out that he left because of valid reasons. What an absolute joke.
3. To top it off he has STOLEN money from you and his children and he doesn’t even have the decency to tell you the truth re. OW.

Now is the time to get ANGRY and channel that anger into getting the very best out of this situation for you and your children. You will get through this and come out of the other side so much happier - even though it doesn’t feel like it.

On a positive it sounds like you are in a good position financially and don’t need to rush back to work so this is a very fortunate position to be in as you can put all your energy into sorting everything else out. Get a shit-hot solicitor and make sure you get every penny you are entitled to.

Oh and as previous posters have said - confide in your friends/family. Tell them everything you know - esp. about the OW so he can’t re-write history to them either - and grey rock all the way. No begging, no trying to understand why, and absolutely no blaming yourself.

Cheering you on OP x

It's sad but life with three small children under 4 is a nightmare for some people. But he shouldnt just walk away from his responsibilities. All this talk of 50/50 custody is just silly hot air, isn't going to happen and isn't very helpful. Best thing to do is hope he sticks around a bit longer for your sake. But if he doesnt then see a solicitor and claim maintenance.

@MightAsWellBeGretel Please Read The Full Thread or at the very least only the OP's posts on the thread before commenting. Things have moved on SIGNIFICANTLY since then, he had an affair and has already left her and has moved out. You can read all the OP's posts on this thread by clicking on "See all" at the bottom of their first post.

Can I give you something I learnt.
Do not fight with him.
He was sneaking around behind your back, which gave him a thrill and excitement. If you come across as angry now they can still sit there and feed on it.
Instead be the woman I know you are.
Get a new diary.
Write down things it it that a court would want to know.
Date you emailed him about times to have the children. Dates he has them.
If he cancels. Sends them home early.
If his mum ends up with them.
If the children say anything.
Claim support off him.
Really it all helps your case.

You obviously haven't RTFT it's past 'sticking around', @Viviennemary , he left days and days ago!

A further thought on proof @Gnarly999
Have you got access to his bank statements?You’ll no doubt find evidence on there - places he has spent money that don’t tally, gifts etc etc. If you don’t have them now, you’ll likely have access to them during the divorce process.

@Gnarly999 I am so sorry for what you are going through. Have you considered that the way you are with him is less likely to make him want to stay than if you took total control and said ‘enough is enough, I’ll help you pack your bags. And you won’t be walking in and out of our lives, you’ll be taking the children 50/50, so you’d better start planning for that.’ (In my opinion, he does have another woman, and is stringing you both along).

The WhatsApp message left by his mum..well it sounds like he’s telling her that you are partially to blame for this, hence her giving to both a talking to!

Oh god I just read the whole thread so:

• he stole from you when you were out with the kids
• he told you the marriage is done via a midnight text
• he drained the joint account
• he's hiding his bonus
• he's shagging his employee
• he's nasty to you and has a go at you for contacting his mum!

That puts it in perspective doesn't it?

I'd also be wary of his mum-at the end of the day she'll likely side with him.

She might be trying to keep you "onside" so that she can still see the kids via you rather than having to rely on him.

Contact Relate
https://www.relate.org.uk/
You can see them alone, but maybe he will come along as well?

Yes I see now, this new reading format is not helpful on my phone!

No need to be so AGGRESSIVE.

Read the updates - OP is no longer in relationship saving territory.

I’ve just read all the updates what a pig your husband turned out to be .Also I can’t believe how another woman can do that to someone with three little ones at home .Good luck with everything.

In your second post you mention him scrolling models in bed next to you, before he goes off to masturbate! That would be enough for me to leave the marriage. How disrespectful! What does that do to your self esteem! He is a selfish lout, with a thin veneer of middle class sophistication, and I wouldn't want to bring up children with him. Your life should be wonderful at the moment, 3 healthy children and enough money to live decently, I know it is hard work with 3 small children but it will get easier in some ways as they grow. However, he is not adult enough to realise that he has other responsibilities now, apart from making money and looking good. (And having sex whenever he feels like it.)

I wasn't being aggressive in the slightest, I was politely explaining to you, if you thought I was, that is a you problem.

That’s just not true. I have travelled for work for 25 years, have never had an affair and have a great family life. The vast, vast majority of my colleagues are the same.

@ElizaDolittle4321

i agree with her; we don’t need the thread police.

I agree.

OP shouldn't, however, mention that she's seeking legal advice. Let him think that he's in control for the moment.

If you need a friend to vent to pm and I am all ears. This sounds heartbreaking but I can say I know what you’re going through. You are stronger than you think but right now I understand you don’t have the energy for this. Take a deep breath and a day to be numb. Try reaching out to friends.

It's different when it's men working away.

Op, can you swap your DC1 into the more convenient Kindergarten?

Op I’m so very sorry for you and your DCS. I wish I was shocked by these types of posts but sadly years on here mean I’m not. You have a lot of good advice on here.

I hope you’ve sought shit hot legal advice. Take screenshots of him clearing the bank account too. What a prick.

Well what a spineless shit he is. I hope you take him to the cleaners.

Fwiw, I give their new relationship a year at most. It’s very unlikely this young woman will want to be a step-mum to three little kids once the novelty has worn off. And when his bosses find out, he will have some questions to answer. By then you’ll be ready to put the popcorn on and watch his life implode. Schadenfreude isn’t nice but it is totally justified here.

Let’s see what happens when the other woman gets tired of a lazy middle aged man with 3 children. I doubt it will take long. Please don’t take him back if he comes back crawling