Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

I’m not sure ‘getting back to work asap’ is very helpful advice given the ages of OP’s children. Nursery fees x 3 would be astronomical. And finding/starting a new job while settling 3 children into nursery and going through a divorce (potentially) is probably not what the OP needs right now.

I personally think you find your strength and think ok then sod you, if that’s what he truely wants you cannot force anyone to love you and be there for you and you will lose all your self esteem trying so time to toughen up and think sod you! Let him go if that’s what he wants you will be ok, just make sure you do tell him that you know how you’ve been but it was your way of fighting for his time and affection and then let him leave……..don’t beg or lower yourself it’ll be completely on him then and you can leave the situation having not risen to his behaviour, you will probably find then if you find your confidence and independence he’ll want you again anyway and then you can either keep walking or choose what you do next………men are weird creatures and he knows now you’ve lost your independence and confidence and he doesn’t like you being so reliant on him so don’t be, make it his loss and keep your chin up! Xx

So sorry you’re going through this. Three under 4 years old must be hard and his solution is to run away. Take all the advice and make sure you get the best outcome, expect him to lie and become a completely different man to the one you thought he was. Good luck and stay strong for your little ones.

Gosh what a rollercoaster. I haven’t been in this situation but my friend did about 10 years ago. Many details are very similar so this situation must happen more than you think. In my friend’s case there actually wasn’t anyone else- he just didn’t want to be married anymore. We went through the ‘is he depressed’, you have small children, it’s hard, is is seeing someone else (even wondered if he was gay and she didn’t know) but he was adamant that he loved her like a friend and didn’t want to continue the marriage.

telling you this now just to give you some reassurance it will be ok. The divorce happened, she picked herself back up and now is remarried with a wonderful new husband. It was not an easy ride in the slightest so not trying to minimise it but ultimately her new relationship is much better than the one she had with her ex. She just couldn’t see the cracks at the time. Maybe her ex did them a favour, we can never decide what would have ultimately been for the best for the children.

Fast forward few years and you will be a different person and you will get through this. Remember it is his loss.

Well, she has to support herself somehow.

I'm so sorry this is happening, you must be reeling. I know you don't want this to be real but you really need support from family and friends just now.
. Confide in a friend/ family member. Someone you can lean on and help you get your head straight.

. Go to your G.P and explain what's happening and how you have been struggling. It’s possible you have post natal depression. Talk about the possibility of antidepressants, they will help you get your head above water.

. Talk to your health visitor and ask about local support.

. Get a solicitor and get your finances in order, unfortunately you can't make him take the kids 50/50.

. If you have the finances get a nanny and a cleaner to help you out. Make use of nursery hours.

💛💐

Obviously it's your fault that his penis fell into another woman @Gnarly999

Didn't you say during your marriage vows 'thou must be responsible for thou husbands cock 365 days of the year?'

Men can be really ugly sometimes. Not facially necessarily but deep down.

I hope you remain angry Gnarly because it will get you through. 🏵

Great sleuthing BTW!!

Since when have capital letters been polite?!
And 'that's a you problem' - also aggressive and rude to boot.

I

Sorry I didn't read the thread.

OP lay it out what you will be going for in your split.
his responsibilities to have the dc every weekend and his CM expectations. Also his requirements to have the dc for half of each holiday perhaps.

or if you prefer that he will have them 50:50 as you will be returning to work.

he’s will be required to split assets in a way that reflects your time out of the workforce.

he thinks he’s free. He has no idea.

It's strange isn't it? I bet as soon as you tell him it's over and you're seeing a solicitor, he will do an about turn. They always do don't they?
Get to your solicitor and get what ypu can off him while he is feeling guilty.

Do it!

A friends Dh did similar. Went off with younger woman they had a baby. Then she dumped him.

He bemoaned to his first wife “who will want me now” divorced dad of two families with two teens and a toddler. Oh how we laughed.

It's for emphasis. And has been used for emphasis since the invention of the printing press. Emphasis is neither polite or impolite. It's a function, that's all.

Just seen your edit. You clearly have anger issues so I won't engage with you anymore. I was trying to do a nice thing by explaining to you and meant well. You chose to take offence where none was given.

The whole of Mumsnet cheering you on now @Gnarly999 !

You've given him the benefit of the doubt and he's proved what a pathetic excuse of a human he is. Basically he's a self obsessed wanker who's ditched his family as it interfered with his enjoyment of life.

He's just the type to play 'superdad' for a couple of hours every other week in front of his friends and fancy woman ( he can't possibly manage more contact than that, he's sooooo busy ) .

Anyway, you can just smile ruefully at that.

You have a future to create now, on the upside you haven't hung around with this scumbag just keep appearances up. There will be loads of support for single parents out and about, this website is a great start. Sadly many have had to go before before you, but they can pull you up to where they are now; strong and positive and making a great life for their kids.

You can totally do this!

Presumably she will be able to support herself just fine from the £125k plus per annum that she has as income from her rental property and other investments. (And good for her!)

Anger issues? Maybe re-read how you come across. Capitals are deemed shouting and telling people it's a 'you issue' is pretty rude IMO.

I'm not derailing this thread any more, it's hardly helpful, is it?

This. Said very calmly, and with very little interest.

It'll annoy the hell out of him if you keep calm and dismissive.

I've read through the OPs posts and if this is a post her stbxh or ow find, I want them to know that this level of cruelty and decit, makes them both perfect for one another. Pair of cunts. They can gaslight themselves into thinking its a great big love affair but ultimately you've both destroyed a good person, a person who has 3 children to care for, sanity. And no, OW doesn't owe OP or her DC anything, but supporting a man who lies, gaslights and purposely fucks up the mental wellbeing of his children's main care giver makes her complicit in cuntery.
As for him? I hope he loses his hair, teeth and gains weight as rapidly as he manages to spin a yarn.

OP I hope you listen to the advice the wonderful and strong women who've been in your situation will undoubtedly leave you, these are the women who've got experience and shown courage and become wonderful single parent families without some utter prick dragging them down. These women have a wealth of knowledge and advice, listen and trust them.

You have your beautiful dc, your health, supportive family and ex mil, you're not going to be poor.
Enjoy your babies, enjoy the freedom of no weak brained pleb of a man who isn't going to make you feel like a crazy woman anymore, take him for every single fucking penny.

And the only advice I can give having been a single mum myself in different circumstances, don't spoil your DC to compensate for a shitty dad, I over did everything because my DC dad didn't do anything for birthdays/Xmas and i didn't need to, he tells me now he's adult that my love and strength was quite enough and he wished I'd not struggled as much as I did, he'd have been happier with me home as opposed to smashing the overtime, that's all I've got.

All the luck in the world hen, I think you'll be amazing!

This. You need a calm and sensible conversation, no pleading or begging or shouting. But be prepared for him to say no, which usually means there is another woman waiting in the wings. In my experience men seldom end a relationship until they have someone to leave for.

If that proves to be true, you'll be staying in the house and he'll be leaving until a financial agreement can be reached.

Strange posters write 'life is miserable with little babies' - what a load of shit! Life with little babies can be scary (for their health), tiring, but miserable? No, it should not be miserable at all - if it is miserable, it was the wrong decision and somebody forced that decision on the other party. Miserable, my arse.

There is another woman waiting in the wings. Have you read past the OP?

What about his responsibility here?

No, capitals are not deemed shouting unless more than 3 words in a sentence are capitalised in a sentence. That's netiquette. A sole word capitalised is not considered shouting.

Read your own posts, your response to someone politely telling you something is way over the top and completely out of proportion.

Taking on a presumably low paid job immediately with wages that will likely be wiped out by nursery fees isn’t going to achieve this.

OP needs help to discover what benefits she might be entitled to, child maintenance, ensuring she receives her fair share of marital assets in the event of a divorce, and what rights she has to, for example, remain in the marital home for the time being.

Getting back into the work force is something she can plan for a bit further down the line.

He has to provide half the support of the kids, but he won’t be obliged to support her. I will never understand women who become a financial dependent, with scenarios like this so utterly commonplace.