Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Are you a single mother?

She will be better off not working until after the divorce. She’ll get a better financial settlement and she won’t be expected to look for work just yet.

By all means work. But wait until the divorce is final
OP.

What you do is take him at his word and file for divorce. Tick the option for a financial order and go and see a solicitor. Why you would want to be with such a wet lettuce I don't know.

I wouldn't want to be at his financial mercy with how long it can take for a divorce to go through, especially if someone else is in his picture.

So sorry you're going through this, I understand how difficult it can be (my ExH left when the kids were 4mths, 2 and 6).

I had the whole 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you', 'you've treated me like a c**t for years now, and the wonderfully selfish 'I need to focus on myself'...

He was having an affair and left us to be with her.

I thought I would crumble, and I did for the first couple of weeks, but then I just tried to take it one day at a time, while also keeping an eye on the future and a compiling a vague plan.

Obviously, we don't know whether your DH has someone else, but as others have said, when they start treating you so dreadfully, it can mean that they have had their head turned. I think in my ExH's case, he couldn't cope with the responsibility of parenthood and not being the centre of attention shallow tw@t.

I know you said that you don't want to tell your friends because it would make it feel real, but what is happening to you is real, and you need real-life support. I got huge support from Mumsnetters at the time, but I also really needed a real life hug.

Ok. Stop. Breathe. Your kids will be better off with a single mum than parents in an unhappy relationship.

Presumably you have access to all the family money? Move half of what is in joint accounts to an account in your name. Do it today.

Then get a solicitor.

Then start activating contacts from whatever job you did before you had kids, because you're going to be need to be back to work in the next six months.

She is not at his mercy. She can claim UC and CM and file for divorce/financial remedy asap. She’s in a strong position as a sahm to 3 very young children.

Nobody believes for one second that it would actually happen or be practical but I agree that it is a good way to flush out his real intentions.

Which I suspect are "I will sod off and live the carefree life again and play Disney Dad when it suits me, to look good".

And sadly, the "I love you but I am not in love with you", rewriting if history and painting you as some sort of monster he has had to suffer years with, is very much straight out of The Script. Another woman is part of this.

@SereneCapybara how would OP get the man to attend dates with her when he doesn't want to be married and doesn't fancy her? Awkward.

Hopefully she takes him to the cleaners and he parents his kids 50/50.

I'd still rather get a job than rely on UC and him actually paying CM. Of course, people are different and it will depend on OP's preference as well as her previous role.

Do you think there's someone else OP? Men rarely leave their family unless they have another woman in the pipeline. Hopefully not but just prepare yourself for the most likely reason he's acting like this - he has plenty of opportunity with working away.

Sending you strength 💐

Is your husband high? He will have to take the kids half the week. Who does he think he is. Don't let the little fucker get away with it he finished playing with you and breeding you now he has had enough of you. You should tell him he gets the kids half the week so you can have a life to work and get things done. Who knows you might meet a real man 🤞

Oh he thinks he's going to waltz off footloose and fancy free, spending all his money on living the high life with his new woman eh? Spell out exactly what the situation will be, he will need to pay for you and the kids to live in the house, and you will go for 50% of his pension too. His life is about to get very very expensive!

What an immature idiot he is.

God, I'd be so tempted to say yes, I agree, I'm not in love with your anymore either and I think it is time for me to focus on work -I'll be moving out next week. I'll be getting a job and will be happy to see the kids every second weekend and an evening during the week. See how he'd cope with that.

of course you aren't going to do that to your children. He is perfectly happy to do it though.

He could pay up for dc but not see them much. He’s not bothered about dc and no 3 has tipped him over. Some men just aren’t decent dads and never will be. I would not work just yet. I’d get him to pay the mortgage and see a solicitor. It’s a shitty thing for three dc to be in this position.

Don't see this as a negative she can look after the kids so he can work. The woman won't know what hit her when 3 children under 4 is given to her.

And this!

I think unless you’ve actually been in this position you should not be offering your advice on what you would do.

Unfortunately I think @PyongyangKipperbang is probably correct on all points. Flush out his real intentions. And it is very possible there's someone else on the scene. (I only found out about the second OW after he gave me his Blackberry as a mark of trust after the first OW, and I found their messages. Neither of us are stupid so I'm guessing it was an 'out' affair and he wanted me to find them).

After 'wanting' to see the children 50/50, he then just wanted weekends, and then just every other weekend. And he sometimes failed at that because he was with the OW.

What a shitty thing to do.
I assume he’s envisioning leaving you with kids and seeing them every other Sunday McDonald’s dad style.
I’d work on basis you are splitting and work on getting best outcome for you and your dc. Get some real life support from family or a friend.

So another shitbag gets married, fathers three kids and then the minute things get difficult he decides he wants out and blames his wife. Utterly depressing. No advice OP, but I really feel for you. Edited to say, are you sure there’s no-one else because a decision like this usually indicates that someone else is on the scene turning his head. Get your ducks in a row and make sure any divorce settlement ensures you and your kids are taken care of.

I wasn't the only one who suggested it. People can give advice and OP can take it or leave it, that's how it works.

Yes but some of us have actually been there and have real advice to give. Yours is imaginary.

I can tell you that work for me would not have been possible at all. It takes a good while to pick yourself up from this.

But just because it didn't work for you, it doesn't mean that it wouldn't work for OP. You also have no idea if pp suggested it because it is something that did work for her.

How shit @Gnarly999 I too would go down the line of “right, fine, off you go then - you’ll be having the kids every other weekend and overnight during the week to make up 50%. Yes, all of them at once” and watch him squirm.

Ah don’t despair. When I got accidentally pregnant with my third child I would have had three under four like you and I genuinely didn’t think I would cope. I lost that pregnancy but know, even with a very hands on dad and me taking a few years off work to be at home with the children, I would have struggled. Even two was hard work for me. You are acknowledging things that you feel you did wrong regarding your husband and I’m sure he could have done things better. You need to agree to let things rest as they are now and get some couples counselling. If he has another woman in his life this would complicate things. Good luck.