Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

@Meadowfinch Please all of OP's posts on the thread before commenting. Things have already moved on, he had an affair and has already left her and has moved out. You can read all the OP's posts on this thread by clicking on "See all" at the bottom of their first post.

@ProfessionalPirate It’s awful what the OP is going through . However , as I stated earlier on in the thread, all women must have a plan B if the relationship fails.

That includes planning for nursery fees and being a single mum without relying on a man. Going back to work would help OP gain her independence instead of being stuck at home with 3 under 5 .

This 💯 percent! It’s a very classic case of him rewriting the narrative to make you out to be the bad one. I’m so sorry this has unfolded but you now have the proof to stop you second guessing. Time to find that anger and shove a rocket right up his arse.

I was so sorry to read your update OP, but not surprised about the OW. You've already had some great advice. You'll never be able to figure out why this happened, and over time it will become less important, even though the rationale seems so important now.

When it happened to me, I never thought I'd get over it, not ever. In a year's time (if not sooner) I promise you will feel sooooooo different to how you feel today.

In my scenario, as soon as ex-DH and I split, the OW was no longer forbidden fruit, and the situation soon lost its gloss. They fizzled out quite quickly after that.

And just to add that my ex tried to blame me for our break-up, I was also accused of 'being a nightmare.' He told the Relate counsellor that my temper was destroying the marriage. But the only reason I was angry, was because of his affair.

@Optimist2020 and @BettyBardMacDonald
if you press See all and read all of the OP’s posts you will see that the main worry is not financial for her as she has an income from various investments.

Sorry you are going through this.
I thi know now you know you need to get on with the practicalities.
Look at your financial situation and what you need to do to make sure you and your DC are OK in the future. You seem to be in a ok position finance wise due to investments/other house.
Tell your MIL about the OW - she seems like a help, plus she helps you by looking after the children.
Go and see a solicitor and get the divorce in motion. It will take time so start it today. AFAIK these days all the martial assets start a being divided 50/50. This includes pensions, savings, property. It doesn't matter if he had an affair - this makes no bearing on how the finances are divided. You need to get good legal advice.
Try not to fight but sadly many divorces where there are substantial assets- solicitors get you to 'go after' stuff and make it nasty, with solicitors bills going up to £50k!
Hopefully your husband will step up an Co parent but from your long thread he's never been a father- the marriage does seem to have dwindled when you became a mother and couldn't be the 'independent person' you were before (this is obvious btw - you're not you had DC).
Consider first and foremost what you NEED and would be happy with.
Look to the future. Xx

@Gnarly999 so sorry to read your updates. It is so so shit when the man we think we know and love turns into someone we don’t even recognise.

Other posters have already given great advice but I just wanted to add that it may seem near impossible to deal with the betrayal (not just the infidelity but that he is actually a selfish prick, emptying the joint savings, taking the vase and painting 🤦‍♀️) but you will get through this.

You are intelligent and have the strength to deal with his shit. You’re an amazing and dedicated mother. I think when some time has passed, you’ll look back at this and thank him for leaving and showing his true colours rather than wasting your life with someone who has such little respect for the mother of his children. Good luck OP

Reading this is making me hate men too!!!

He is a selfish coward - and how much better to know that now than in 15 years time. You don't need him to give your children a magical childhood.

Hold your head high for being the person who acted with integrity and love throughout your marriage. He will no doubt have spun, and convinced himself, of a totally different narrative as he won't want to confront what a spineless, cowardly arse he actually is - but I truly believe he will know it deep down. And so will his new love interest.

I had some colleagues who started as an affair (senior accounting types - sounds similar perhaps) and believe me everyone in the office knew and everyone judged. They probably think they are in the midst of a grand romance and don't realise how tawdry it is.

Blimey, if anything is going to put young women off getting married and having children, it's this thread!

What a terrible, TERRIBLE time you have been through @Gnarly999 Bless you darling. ❤ He is a selfish, mean-spirited, fucking arsehole isn't he? And although I am not a vengeful person, (well maybe a bit,) I sincerely hope that a few years down the line, when him and the OW are all cosied up, and married (possibly with a baby,) that he fucks off and leaves her too. THEN I want him to fall super deep in love with another woman, and lose his heart to her completely, then when 4 or 5 years have passed, I hope SHE dumps HIM!

Oh fucking hell, I am RAGING! You're a better woman than me for getting through this my darling. What a star you are, and your children are so blessed to have you as a mum, Shame they've got him for a dad! I hope you will be OK .. Look after yourself, and your gorgeous children.

So the OW has come out of the woodwork. I’m so sorry op. I remember well what that felt like - and the confusion and shock as my ex seemed to turn into someone completely different, who apparently felt he was trapped in a marriage I didn’t recognise. You’ll get through this and out the other side stronger.

Mine never admitted it. They're spineless!

So, 15 months ago he was willing to sire a third child in this relationship (and in rapid succession to the other two) and now he wants out.

So agree with this. How very dare he decide its all too much and swan off leaving you with three under fours including a 6 month old baby. The lack of responsibility of some men is breathtaking, not to mention their utter selfishness.

You’re strong, you’ve got this.

Take that fucker to the cleaners!

pps have been advising you to see a solicitor since the thread started on 10 Feb and particularly after he drained your joint savings and stole valuables from your house.

Now you are asking if you should hire a private investigator to prove what you already know - that he is having an affair. It's pointless. Professional legal advice is not.

You come across like a very smart and articulate lady, you and your kids will be perfectly fine without him, I really don’t understand why you lower yourself so much , if he decides he’s coming back do you think you’ll have a happy marriage? have some pride and walk away with your head high

Plus OP has been resentful and not very nice to him.

How many MNers here would truthfully attend a date night with a person that was "resentful and treated them not very nice".

Irrespective of how you want to be treated, treating someone this way isn't the answer.

Unless the OP is financially secure right now I'd imagine the last thing they'd wants to ask for is 50/50.
He may just agree and be able to manage his 50% quite comfortably.

Try and take on the good advise from those that have been through this.

Because he's a cowardly shit. He is not the man you thought he was. Spineless twat. Once again the woman has to pick up the pieces and get even stronger while the man gets to waltz off and start again. Solidarity. You can do this. The affair is the icing on the cake when it comes to the courts. You can take him to the cleaners

I do agree with others, you need to focus less on evidence (you have evidence).
my husband also denied it until he was blue in the face. I had to repeat it over 20 times ‘I know about the other woman’ over and over before after hours he finally realised I knew. They want to get away with it and paint the wife as the nutter.

i also had a small baby and he was ‘feeling neglected’. They are all so pathetically similar

you don’t need a private investigator you need a financial investigator to find all his hidden money

So many posts on here similar to this a lot of men are fucking idiots ,but do these OW have no respect and not think twice about dropping their knickers .

@Gnarly999

are you upset about him wanting to leave just because of the kids or because you love him and want him as your partner?

I haven't RTFT, but I am sure there is another woman in the background.

As long as you're not abusive or a total nightmare to live with, men usually don't leave.

They like their cushy environment too much.

I am sorry.

It doesn’t sound as though he wanted a third child at all. Elsewhere the OP says he is always snapping at the kids and creating an unpleasant atmosphere.

At this point it’s good riddance. Get what you can financially. I predict he will fade away and the kids barely see him as time goes on.