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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

1000 replies

Gnarly999 · 10/02/2025 14:33

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 19/03/2025 13:34

tryingtobesogood · 19/03/2025 13:32

I do hope you have told his mother and maybe drop a word to his employer, she is his subordinate and it does not look good.

Show quote history

Getting the breadwinner fired may not be the smartest strategy. OP has enough to do without becoming the morality police.

Sunshineandclearskies · 19/03/2025 13:34

Sunshineandclearskies · 19/03/2025 09:01

I'm so sorry this is happening, you must be reeling. I know you don't want this to be real but you really need support from family and friends just now.
. Confide in a friend/ family member. Someone you can lean on and help you get your head straight.

. Go to your G.P and explain what's happening and how you have been struggling. It’s possible you have post natal depression. Talk about the possibility of antidepressants, they will help you get your head above water.

. Talk to your health visitor and ask about local support.

. Get a solicitor and get your finances in order, unfortunately you can't make him take the kids 50/50.

. If you have the finances get a nanny and a cleaner to help you out. Make use of nursery hours.

💛💐

Sorry, just caught up. Should have read the whole thread before posting.

It's so well written, I can really feel how torn you are and grieving the future you had planned for your family. I'm so sorry he's having an affair but at least you know he's not depressed or having some midlife crisis. He's been feeling guilty.

You're doing amazing, you really need a solicitor though, he can't be emptying your joint account.

BettyBardMacDonald · 19/03/2025 13:36

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/03/2025 12:45

@TheaBrandt1

why take the risk at all though?

Show quote history

Exactly. And it's usually the "it'll never happen to me" types who are left high and dry.

Yes, OP will get her share of assets, but burning through home equity or savings to support current living expenses is the road to financial difficulties later in life. Better to earn a salary.

bridgesoverchocolate · 19/03/2025 13:40

Please please see a solicitor. Could he end up entitled to half your rental property? Is he earning enough now for a 50:50 split of assets to definitely be harmless for you, or is he still likely to end up with more of your assets than the other way round?

It really sounds like you need good legal advice and possibly the financial investigator others have talked about, in case he's hiding a lot of money somewhere.

As for work - can you do any part-time consulting using contacts from your previous work? Even if you don't go back to full-time work right now it might be good to put feelers out and start thinking about how you might do this in the future.

carcassonne1 · 19/03/2025 13:40

I cannot believe a father of 3 small kids, including a baby, would take all the money from a joint account and run away with his OW! I mean, who does that!?

D4isyCh4in · 19/03/2025 13:52

carcassonne1 · 19/03/2025 13:40

I cannot believe a father of 3 small kids, including a baby, would take all the money from a joint account and run away with his OW! I mean, who does that!?

Mine left me 5 months before I had my second baby.
Men do this. A lot.

Mirabai · 19/03/2025 13:55

Gnarly999 · 18/03/2025 22:26

I can’t figure out why he’s denying it still? Surely it would be better to face up to it!

He doesn’t want to look like a rat to his parents and yours.

Itsmyaccount · 19/03/2025 13:58

I've not managed to read all of the thread yet as there are so many posts so apologies if this has been said by another poster, but if you go to court make sure you have a forensic review of the finances to ensure they find everything he's potentially hidden. Based on the things he's done like empty the accounts you will definitely need this!
In terms of refusing to admit cheating I imagine it's just a case of once he's admitted it he can't un-admit it. So he's just hoping if he denies it enough he'll get away with it even though it's obvious.

moose62 · 19/03/2025 14:00

Realistically it doesn't matter what his reasons are. You need to get tough now ans stop being a doormat. Yes, you love him but he obviously doesn't love you and it hurts. But...you need to sort out your life and prioritise what you need to do before he turns the narrative and leaves you high and dry. Tell your family about OW, tell his family about the OW...tell you friends....just make sure they all know what is going on and get legal advice ASAP.

TonTonMacoute · 19/03/2025 14:02

Gnarly999 · 18/03/2025 22:26

I can’t figure out why he’s denying it still? Surely it would be better to face up to it!

I think it's quite a significant insight into his state of mind actually. It shows he's in the grip of the exciting element of the whole thing, and has completely lost touch with reality.

Fact is he can't just walk away from his responsibilities and the sooner he realises what life is going to be like once you split the better.

Hopefully you are seeing/have seen a solicitor by now. You need to start throwing all this practical stuff at him so he knows just what his future is going to look like.

This doesn't mean that things are final at this stage, he may even want to come back once he gets a dose of reality.

Nonrienderien · 19/03/2025 14:21

There are two people involved in the destruction of this family. The OPs despicable husband & the equally despicable other woman. I'll never understand how people like them can sleep at night.

You are worth more than this OP. They are both quite simply trash. There has been excellent advice on this thread especially regarding finances & protecting yourself. Take it all on board & in time I'm sure you will meet a real man.

UNIdaughter · 19/03/2025 14:22

I’m not sure that dad getting a nanny is a bad thing. Nanny’s tend to love and look after their charges. If my children were in another home I’d rather they were there with qualified and paid childcare. Someone to make sure all their needs are met and who is present for them. Obviously it’s probably better to have the parent doing this, but his not going too. And I know it’s not fair in any way.

I am sorry the man you love is treating you in this way. It’s not you.

Grammarnut · 19/03/2025 14:29

SereneCapybara · 10/02/2025 14:58

As you can see, I don't agree with the previous two posters. You don't need to beg, but you do need to have a very detailed and grown up conversation that includes the positives of staying together instead of splitting up. Life is bloody miserable for everyone when babies are little. I think too many men bumble off unaware of this. They need a boot up the backside, not a woman to quietly step aside out of their way and shoulder full responsibility for being the only adult in the situation.

Edited

I agree with you. Family life with small children is Hell sometimes. OP's DH is earning a good income and they could, presumably, afford some help at home. Both are not seeing the wood for the trees and need to sit down and look at what the alternative is: as you say, reduced income, smaller homes, and bitty upbringing for the DC. Many men think the world goes on the same way as ever when DC arrive - because from their pov it does!
You are entirely right - and if he cannot see how selfish he is being then certainly take him to the cleaners.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 19/03/2025 14:31

GreenCandleWax · 19/03/2025 10:32

So agree with this. How very dare he decide its all too much and swan off leaving you with three under fours including a 6 month old baby. The lack of responsibility of some men is breathtaking, not to mention their utter selfishness.

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Hmmm yeah, it's funny how these feckless men who find a shiny new woman, fuck off into the sunset, and leave the children behind. Hmm When men leave their wife for an affair partner, they never EVER take the children with them. They don't want the responsibility! (And neither does the 'other woman!')

What if the mother did this, just fucked off and left (after he has left,) and the children have no-one? And the father was forced to take care of his own children?! I bet little miss Shiny New Mistress wouldn't be hanging around then, if she had to be stepmum to 3 under fours! You wouldn't see her for dust. How DARE he just leave? Vile. I hope when the children get a bit older, that they never EVER speak to him again! Hmm

FreeRider · 19/03/2025 14:38

Rh0dedenr0n · 19/03/2025 10:59

Because he's a cowardly shit. He is not the man you thought he was. Spineless twat. Once again the woman has to pick up the pieces and get even stronger while the man gets to waltz off and start again. Solidarity. You can do this. The affair is the icing on the cake when it comes to the courts. You can take him to the cleaners

Show quote history

The affair will make zero difference to the financial settlement if it is decided in court. As a judge told my mother, my father could have had 100 affairs, it was irrelevant to how the marital assets were split.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/03/2025 14:53

I'm sorry OP. In a way though I think it will help you, it will now sink in how much of a bastard he is and you'll use that anger to get the best outcome for your children.

See if you can protect any other joint assets and valuable items in the house before he takes them . Even if you have to store them somewhere safe. Don't discuss your relationship with him any more, c9ntact him about the children only, and set up a separate email address for the divorce. And tell his mum that you now have absolute proof from the OW ex boyfriend that they were having an affair (you don't need to give details).

How depressing that these men lack any originally or honesty, painting you out as a nightmare and the reason he has left, rather than telling the truth, is the lowest of the dick moves

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/03/2025 14:57

Also im concerned that he will have been hiding more assets, try and get records of absolutely all investments

Stigsmother · 19/03/2025 15:02

Hugs

JG4 · 19/03/2025 15:05

SereneCapybara · 10/02/2025 14:53

You both need to calm down. You both need to acknowledge that no one is at their best with a new baby, let alone three preschoolers. Everyone is ratty, exhausted, unable to focus on their own needs.

Ask him how he'd feel if you told him that you were leaving him and the children. That you were leaving him with sole responsibility for those three lives. If he thinks he'd find it hard to cope, why does he think it's okay to land this burden and stress on you when you are already so clearly stressed and exhausted. Point out that this would be cowardly, selfish and brutal and if he does this knowingly after you have explained how cruel it would be, it could push you over the edge.

He needs to man up and understand he is a father with commitments, not a single man who can skip off if things aren't easy. You both need to make an effort to look after yourselves and each other, as well as your children.

You say you have money. Then please at very least get a cleaner and a Mother's Help or housekeeper or part time nanny, who can look after the children for at least one or two days a week while you take time for yourself. Go out on dates with each other, where you actually do things you used to enjoy together - music gigs or comedy or skating or watching live sport - whatever you used to have in common.

When he mentions the rows, mention the good times. Explain the reality to him of splitting up just because you are both exhausted. He will need a second home so he can have the children half the time, and you can get a job. His standard of living will plummet and so will his children's. Is this what he wants for them? What does he want for them? Two smaller, cramped homes? The children would be shunted around between childcare and two homes and only ever have one parent around to deal with all three of them, which will make them needier and more difficult and insecure. Can he think of an alternative? Is he aware these tough times don't last forever? Is he really so wimpy he can't cope with hardship for a while?

Far better to behave like responsible, loving adults, capable of riding out the storm of the hardest time in a marriage, and have fun together as a family at weekends, have a date once every weekend, give each other a few hours each week (eg half a day each weekend) to do what you want - to lie on or see friends or get hair done or watch sport. Put some serious effort in supporting and honouring each other as people and as fellow parents. And equal effort into being excellent parents.

If I was married to a man who wasn't prepared to make that effort and chose to walk away instead, if he was that much of a selfish coward, I would get the most powerful lawyer I could find and squeeze him for every penny without a moment's guilt.

Edited

You said everything I wanted to say , I totally agree

AcrossthePond55 · 19/03/2025 15:08

@Gnarly999

I'm saying this gently (but firmly). Please stop focusing on getting him to admit the affair. All it's doing is giving him cause to berate you and to justify himself. You are focusing on this one thing and the energy you're putting towards it is stopping you from doing what you should be doing. Seeing a solicitor, planning for your future, and filing for divorce.

Again gently, your marriage is dead. He's not coming back. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. It's time to give up on that.

Get RL support, counseling is a good option if you want someone impartial and supportive.

OchreRaven · 19/03/2025 15:10

Surely this affair could impact his job? He’s her boss and they would have been using work expenses to fund their affair. You obviously don’t want him to lose his job as this will impact you financially with child maintenance. But by emptying your joint account he has shown you how this will go. He is hiding assets and stealing from you. He has gaslit you into thinking you are the problem. Instead he has ‘compartmentalised’ his behaviour. You have to stop any thought of reconciliation. Protecting yourself. If I was you I would be looking at all your financials, pensions etc. Also try and find proof of the affair. It won’t make a difference to the divorce but it will give you leverage. You can tell him, if he wants his new life with his OW fine but he will provide a fair and reasonable settlement for you and his children. If he refuses to do that you will have to inform his employer of the type of man they have working for them and how he has abused his position at the company. Obviously don’t do anything that would be considered blackmail but he needs to know there are consequences to his actions. Speak to a lawyer before you do anything.

Also get his mum on side. But be careful what you tell her about your plans going forward as he is still her son so her loyalty can’t be guaranteed. Rooting for you

GabriellaMontez · 19/03/2025 15:15

He's denying it because he doesn't want to look bad. Especially in front of his mum who he's obviously scared of.

Did you tell your dad about the onlyfans accounts and the kitchen wanking? Would your dad still think you should fight for him if he knew?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/03/2025 15:19

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/03/2025 14:57

Also im concerned that he will have been hiding more assets, try and get records of absolutely all investments

Yes. Investigate. Promptly.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 19/03/2025 15:21

Did you tell your dad about the onlyfans accounts and the kitchen wanking? Would your dad still think you should fight for him if he knew?

It's highly likely that the dad will think that's just what men do, and the OP shouldn't think this is poor behaviour.

I mean, going on his previous advice to show the husband more respect........ which made me cringe.

Isabellivi · 19/03/2025 15:27

My husband started working out of town and being rather cold and distant. He would never leave. Just tell him you want to leave. He can be a single dad. As soon as I get my passport I am gone. I don’t want to raise children and ruin my life for someone who doesn’t care about me.

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