Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

I’ve just read all your posts this morning and I’m so sorry you are going through this but I’m so pleased you have found your angry and he has shown his true colours . He does not deserve you in any way shape or form . Remember that strong, successful, driven, enthusiastic woman you once were , well find her again and win at this divorce. Do everything in your power to get what you n the children deserve whilst keeping your dignity and hold your own . Do not let him so you upset again , do not react to him emotionally ever again . Honestly, he’s done you a favour . Just think of the strong woman your children is about to witness . What an opportunity you have to be such a good role model . You can do it .

I know a great family lawyer and tried to pm you the details but I can’t fit some reason.

I do agree with others, you need to focus less on evidence (you have evidence).
my husband also denied it until he was blue in the face. I had to repeat it over 20 times ‘I know about the other woman’ over and over before after hours he finally realised I knew. They want to get away with it and paint the wife as the nutter.

So true @Hiccupsandteacups

What he did would be illegal if I was in charge. You can’t pledge to be there for someone ie marry them then on the strength of that they rely on you so on that basis have multiple small children then they just fuck off leaving the other parent to deal with everything! It’s actually outrageous if you think about it.

So. Let me get this straight, he is putting his work before his kids basically as he wants to leave to focus on work instead, whilst in the mean time you are left with all the responsibility of the kids?
Any man with this perspective on life is a shit house. Not much you can do about it but he will end up regretting it, putting his work before his kids. I'm not saying he should stay just because of the kids, as people break up all of the time, but he has made it clear he won't have time for them. Meaning you are left with it all. I agree that this should not be allowed to happen as it's completely unfair on you.
What would the ratio of shared child care look like? Do you see a time where he could have them?

I’d be interested to know what the company policy is on relationships between colleagues at their workplace. Especially if he’s her manager . I sincerely hope you move on from this . He sounded like a prize twat who had no investment in you or the children . Easier said than done and move on and out of that area.

Plus, I'd like to concentrate on my work but I have children so I have to make those my priority. People make sacrifices, and don't just up, and fuck off and abandon their children. This has me raging for you.

Little reason for him to leave, honestly. If he’s always away at work, perhaps just see if he’s willing to live more like housemates for a bit - take a step back, and ask him to at least live in the same home for the medium term while the children are still so young. It’s the most practical choice I can imagine

She’s not a financial dependant. She’s married which means she is part of a team sharing work and resources for the good of the family. In the event of a divorce she will walk away with her share of the marital assets which should enable her to set herself up on her own. Obviously she will have to go back to work but it’s unlikely that the few short years she had off while her children were very young will have had a dramatic impact on her earning potential long-term.

It is not the same as an unmarried woman being left potentially homeless and penniless.

How does that work with his new “relationship” though ?

very sorry to hear

Does annoy me these doom monger posters about us stupid women who take a few years out to raise young children. For most of us op included it’s a calculated risk and anecdotally every professional woman I know who took a few years out is back at work and thriving when kids older.

@TheaBrandt1

why take the risk at all though?

Absolute bastard of a man.

You will be so much better without him. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but one day you'll look back and realise what a waste of space he actually is.

Big hugs 🫂❤️

To have a brilliant time with your babies and not have to stress about work but focus on them? Bloody loved those years.

Focusing on the detail of his affair isn’t helping.
It’s distracting you from regaining the ground you’ve lost all these months while he has been planning to look like the victim husband who has been kicked out.
He’s already denied you money, stolen items from your marital home, and is way ahead of the game in protecting his secret assets (bonus, Rolex etc etc )
You need the best lawyer in town -and fast, OP.

I know it hurts really badly but please use your anger to get that old confidence back to beat him at his own game. No more dithering and wondering when his affair all started. It’s futile. You can think about that later when you are settled, but now is the time for action. You need to protect yourself and your children.
Tell your parents it’s over and you need their help and support because he is playing dirty.

Anger is good. It can be channelled into something constructive.
Get all documentation on financials/ assets you can. Get a solicitor. He is already emptying bank accounts, hiding money and taking assets out of the house. You need to protect yourself and be pro active because he is already playing dirty.

I don’t have any advice re the marriage, I think once someone’s checked out there’s little that can be done there.

But I’ve been in your shoes with a 6mo, 2yo and 4yo (both 4yo and 2yo ASD) and became a single parent. Just remember that he’s away all the time anyway so as far as parenting and running the house goes, you’re already doing it alone anyway, so you’ve got this. It’s so hard, and it’ll take you some time to find your feet, but honestly not arguing with someone all the time takes away a lot of the stress.
if he’s not going to be having them 50/50, which I assume he isn’t due to work, then you’ll absolutely entitled to child maintenance, which should help at least a bit while you look for work. Universal credit will pay 85% of your childcare fees back to you once you’ve paid, and they do a scheme where they pay your upfront cost too.

I know it’s hard to, but please talk to your friends, you’ll likely find you’ve got so much more support than you might think you do.

Very kindly: it’s not helpful for you to keep focusing on him admitting his affair. It’s being confirmed by the boyfriend of AP.

THIS!!!!!

He thinks he can walk away and be a weekend dad. Absolutely NO! Disgusting behaviour- marriages and parenting takes bloody hard work and he should be supporting you.

If he isn't bothered about his kids now then he isn't going to want them half the week. I don't know why people say oh he will have them half of the time. You cannot make him have them and no court can make him have them.

As others have said please see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Oh and get him to move out asap

He's already said he'll get a full time nanny. That way he doesn't have to pay any CM and he also, more importantly for him, gets to tell people he has his kids 50% of the time, because he's such a great dad and family man, without having to be either.

Because it paints him in a bad light.

Also, draining the joint savings is a terrible thing to do. But he needs the money to set up home with the OW.

I'm so sorry. What a bastard.

I do hope you have told his mother and maybe drop a word to his employer, she is his subordinate and it does not look good.

Jesus Christ. Because kids are a choice and like it or not, actually benefit from having somebody around to look after them. And shockingly, some parents actually like being around their own children. Is that really that hard to understand??

Op has had a few years out, if she wants to go back she can. She also has her own income from property. If she wants to enjoy her kids for a bit she should be able to do so without being made to feel "less than" or like that's somehow to blame for her shite bag, checked out, cheating husband.