Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Whilst I 100% agree you need to get on top of the financial situation, I just wanted to check that you’ve got people around you in real life giving you emotional support too? I really hope you’ve confided in close friends and your parents and that they are all supporting you. On a practical level have you had much support with childcare etc so you can have a break? I really hope your ‘village’ is rallying around and helping and that you haven’t had to just cope with this whilst being on your own with the children 24/7.

If you don’t feel ready to talk to your friends, or if you feel you need some outside support anyway maybe go to the Drs or find a good counsellor. It’s so easy to overlook your emotional wellbeing but it’s so important for you long term.

I’m assuming it’s very early days and you haven’t discussed how things are going to look with regards to childcare going forward, but I really hope he at least steps up and gives you some support at the moment. It’s important you get some time off to be on your own and decompress.

Yes - it can be civil.

And I’d caution against being very aggressive in wording of solicitors letters (that doesn’t mean not being firm). When the anger does hit, you will want to lash out, but try to not bring emotion into it. I’d keep all correspondence polite and respectful. Maybe write a response and give yourself 24 hours before reading again and responding. Be angry, but don’t let him see your anger- it only raises the temperature, and will make him defensive.

don’t use your solicitor as a therapist- it’s expensive and they aren’t very good at it! Start going to therapy/counselling right now.

the grey rock approach is good. Keep communication to texts and emails, so there’s not misunderstandings and you have time to count to ten before responding. Keep them all polite and with neutral language.

also be prepared for him being angry and lashing out. ( even though, or perhaps because he caused it.) Try not to respond immediately to nasty or aggressive emails and messages, or stoop to his level. And try to forgive him a bit for that.

Don’t get too hung up on things that don’t matter in the long term- the case and painting are good examples. People end up spending £££s fighting over granny’s teapot and the bitterness and resentment lasts for years. Take the high road where possible.

mediation can help, and a good mediator will set a respectful tone, so it’s a good place to have face to face, calm discussions. But it’s always a good idea to talk to a solicitor first to make sure you know what you’re entitled to as a starting point for negotiations.

finally, I’d also caution against settling for less than what is yours. The agreement has to be sustainable. Don’t let him persuade you to let him keep his pension- you have taken time out of the workplace and even if you go back, it’ll be less. Same with bonuses- these are family income. Don’t find yourself at 65 feeling angry that he has a comfortable retirement while you have to settle for a lower standard of living.

he is not your friend right now, so don’t shaft yourself in the hope that he will like you. It won’t make a difference. Being friends again is something that might come after the divorce, but right now you have to make sure you get your fair share of the family wealth. ( which you’ve both worked equally for- he couldn’t have had his career without you taking a step back).

@BiggySwish makes an excellent point. Go into this negotiation knowing that you have to provide the best outcome for your children. So make sure you get a good deal. ( and you will if you don’t try to be ‘nice’ to him)

based on his behaviour, I’d say you need to be planning for having the kids most of the time ( even if he makes out he wants 50/50, which is a common ploy to reduce payment to the wife). A court can’t force him to take the kids 50/50.

I should also add that he will be very angry when he realises how much he stands to lose by divorcing. He will probably feel that he is being shafted and that you are taking ‘his’ money. Don’t think for a second think that it’s your responsibility to ‘make things right’ for him by giving him your share.

Oh absolutely what @Woodenbeams said.

My ExH thought I was being completely unreasonable taking the family car that was registered to me, that my own car (before we married) was put in part exchange for, even though I had to drive the kids to school and he and the OW lived a short tube journey from their office and had no need for a car. Apparently I was a complete bitch for that.

Hey @Gnarly999

I hope you’ve been taking good care of yourself. I can only imagine how the waves of grief come and go, mixed with pride at knowing your beautiful children are safe with you. I’m sure you’re just focused on getting through one day at a time at the moment, but I also hope you’re finding moments to channel that emerging anger into something that serves you. Even if it’s burning the calories on a run with some loud music!

Your values that you live by are so generous and kind. It’s hard to reconcile them with the idea of you being at all compatible with your husband—he must have changed so much from the man you first fell in love with. Keep putting that positivity and generosity out into the world; it will come back to you. But when it comes to divorce negotiations, channel your inner city girl in stilettos—this is not the time to be too kind.

The little book Michelle Obama: Quotes to Live By has been my go to during tough times, and if you haven’t already, you might find the Law of Attraction podcast interesting.

Big hugs superstar 🤩

Hi @Gnarly999, I hope things have settled down a bit for you and you are working on your new normal and that you have been getting lots of support.

I hope the children are coping okay with the changes too xxx

Thank you for your messages!

I think the OW has shown up today! It’s the female employee that he travels with a lot. You all said it was and I just didn’t want to believe it. All signs were pointing towards it being here, and then today I noticed that her “boyfriends” status on Facebook was single. He’s a plumber so I could easily get his number so I called him.. they actually broke up THE SAME DAY my exDH left! What are the chances…
He said he’s had all the same suspicions. Said he was 100% sure she was cheating, and 99% sure it’s with my exDH. He’d found morning after pills in her coat, but they hadn’t had sex in months. She’d lied about where she was and got caught out etc.

It’s actually quite validating that I wasn’t going mad. But I still have no black and white proof. I thought if hiring a private investigator, but then they already go to dinners and hotels etc, so what else could they find?

Usually I try and keep cool calm and collected and think. But emotions took over and I called him. He’s with her, on a “work trip”, and just said “I’ll give you one last chance to come clean about what’s happened, because I know”. He obviously denied it all. I said “if that’s not happening, then why leave your family then?”, he said “because you’re a f**king nightmare”. Arghhh!!!!!!

So so angry today.

I can’t figure out why he’s denying it still? Surely it would be better to face up to it!

Because he can pretend that you’re a nut and he is simply following his heart. He has no incentive to admit anything. I’m so sorry OP.

@Gnarly999 have you met with a solicitor yet? Please say yes, and that you're working on implimenting the plan they helped you lay out to protect you and the children financially.

don't be bothered with the private investigator or any of that. Don't be bothered with getting him to admit it.

Simply say to him "you know and I know that you are having an affair - quite possibly the dogs in the street where you work know you are having an affair. You are quite the cliche. But I have no interest since you are no longer my concern".

Then work on getting what works for you and your children. Him having an affair won't penalise him - sorry.

I imagine he’s denying it to save face with family and friends, he doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy. I’m so sorry @Gnarly999, you and the children deserve so much better. I hope this helps you find your anger. Work with your solicitor to get the best possible financial outcome for you and the children.

Because he wants to come out of this looking like the poor victim. Don’t lose yourself. Or your mind. Breathe. He is a c@nt

This is probably not sensible and completely the wrong thing to do, but in your situation I’d definitely be telling his mother your suspicions, it’s pretty clear cut what’s going on. At least that way it will make it much harder for them to come out as a couple without people knowing it was an affair.

I knew the update on the thread was going to be the OW. It was the coldness from him. Entirely the script followed to
the letter.

What a washed up fool. Tell his Mum straight away. I’d even consider informing his work if he’s the senior as they may have policies in place about relationships in workplace.

Hide all other valuables in the house. Save recording of him leaving with items too.

Keep all messages almost professional with him so you can use them in your legal evidence.

He has made his decision now. You don’t want a man like that. Even if it now didn’t work out with OW - you could never respect him.

More fool the OW too with three children under four and leaving wife with such a young baby. She’s a fool too. He will do the same to her and she deserves it.

You can do this and do not need him. Get a contact plan set in place straight away.

I’m so sorry my love, and no-one wants to hear I told you so but I don’t think anyone here is remotely surprised and I hope you’re feeling validated. Also means he’s been planning to leave for a long time and will likely have been hiding assets.

I think you know this but this is why it’s so so important you get a good deal for your kids asap because when he goes on to have more kids with her, yours are going to be even less of a priority. Given the MAP this may be sooner than even he’s hoping for.

The only reason I’d bother to try and get proof was if you wanted to go after him professionally.- and even then you’d need to think about the implications for you financially if he lost his job. I guess you might want proof so that you can tell family and friends without him being able to deny it. Because while revenge isn’t going to help you here — I can totally see why you’d want to make sure this utter shit is revealed in all his glorious shittiness across his friendship group.

Did you never check his phone / emails / laptop or doing any digging when you were together? Can you do anything now while he’s with the kids?
A PI could probably get photos of them behaving ‘non professionally’ and wouldn’t be too difficult if you know where they are; is it often them together alone in work trips? Cos there’s ’having dinner’ and there’s ’having dinner’.
What a bastard, sending hugs xx

OP, I'm so sorry, as soon as you said in your OP that he "travels a lot for work" I automatically knew there would be an affair and went and read all your posts to confirm it. 'Working away' or 'travelling a lot for work' NEVER works out if you're married or have a family - it's a bachelor's game/job . Once these men are committed and get married they should get a proper job that doesn't require so much travelling. The amount of affairs I've read on here, I'd say 8 out 10 are where the husband 'works away a lot' and travels a lot. It is never, ever conducive to marriage and family. And a lot of the time they don't actually need to travel, it's a cover so they can meet up with OW. Strange how in the era of Skype and Zoom and 24/7 internet online business, people need to travel more than they ever did in the '80s. I urge you to get legal advice over him removing the money for your account, and as he's moved out, change the locks.

@Gnarly999, you know you’re not a nightmare, right? You know he cheated because he’s a spineless, faithless shit and not because of anything you did or didn’t do. This is 100% on him but I know how painful this is. Everyone will tell you to accept it and move on, but I can understand why having proof might help you feel vindicated, to prove beyond doubt what he’s done. And so he can’t deny it to his mum etc.

Cheating is a form of abuse, and he’s been abusing you for months—probably even before your baby was born. That would explain his reaction to the news about baby number 3—he likely told her you weren’t sleeping together anymore.

He’s denying it because even he knows this is one of the lowest things a person can do. He’ll wait about 6 months and then pretend they only got together after the fact. You could tell everyone you know now your suspicions so that when they do become official it’ll be harder to deny that he cheated.

If it’ll have professional consequences for him—an abuse of power, etc that could also be why he won’t admit it. At the very least, it’ll look terrible at work if people find out he has young kids and has been having an affair.

I’m guessing he was not always away for work when he was with her -so you might be able to do some detective work to prove that.

Or you could go the PI route—they’ll find something, no doubt. Some even specialise in uncovering digital evidence (though I’m not sure of the legalities!).

Take a breath @Gnarly999 - don’t do anything else right now. You need to channel that anger positively but you can’t do that while you’re feeling highly emotional. Wait until you feel calmer, if you want to lash out at him, to tell family & friends etc. just wait until you’re feeling more in control. You might make different choices then. Hope you’ve got someone IRL to talk to about this. Tomorrow morning get outside and walk / run / get fresh air to ground yourself. It’s the very worse betrayal.

Well, number one you tell him you have to work so from now on everything will be 50/50. So I guess he’s going to have step up to plate bc there’s no way you can do it on your own so he needs to make a plan that will keep everyone happy. Not just him and your getting a job tmrw. Where’s his mother to support him on this new endeavor of happiness. You also want that so it’s not his his alone to have. Did he think how much it would cost him for childcare and just cleaning services and you’re not a chef.. what a POS

@Devianinc Please Read The Full Thread or at the very least only the OP's posts on the thread before commenting. Things have moved on SIGNIFICANTLY since then, he has already left her and has moved out. You can read all the OP's posts on this thread by clicking on "See all" at the bottom of their first post.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The best I can do to help you is suggest reading this thread (and there’s second thread you can also find). The OP Gingerloaf is phenomenal. Her clarity of writing carries you with her through all the stages of shock, anger, acceptance. Her wonderful character shines through all the crap these situations involve. I think she’s an inspiration on how to deal with one of the worst events life can thrown at you. She’s in a better situation in that her children are adults, but it’s her ability to manage the grey rock method even when it’s the last thing she wants to do which I really admired.
Please ignore if reading someone else’s trauma isn’t what you need right now. I’m sharing in the hope that solidarity and shared experience of how to deal with a shitty husband can help carry you through this tough time and perhaps even make you smile when you least expect it/ she has a great sense of humour.
Wishing you every strength and happiness.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5136910-blindsided-by-h?page=1

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Stay strong, you're doing amazing ❤️

@Gnarly999 Look you've had a lot of replies to this. I am just adding my 10 cents worth.
When I was a teenager, a very close friend of mine's dad went off with another woman. Her mother WAS devastated, but she held her head high and said "right, off you go, move in together now and get all your stuff out of the house" she was practical and not emotional about it (I know, very tough call).

He did this and after 6 months was home again and it was over.

I do think this was a sink or swim approach and can and cannot work for the wife. But the dignity that it leaves you with is worth its weight in gold.

He has let you down and he has let your girls down. And that is unforgivable.