In my experience, divorces can be respectful, but usually only under certain circumstances:
(1) It’s a mutual decision, often a long time coming. There are no children involved, or they are older. Both parties still respect each other and acknowledge what the other brought to the marriage, so they’re not trying to shortchange each other and understand they both need to live well afterward.
(2) One party—usually the wife—is so desperate to keep things amicable that they don’t fight at all and accept the bare minimum (or even less) than they’re entitled to. They walk away with less than they need, their self respect in tatters and their ex laughing all the way into their new life
(3) One party is in such a hurry to move on quickly - to remarry for example, usually if the new partner is knocked up - they’re willing to settle quickly and in favour of the other party just to be done with it.
As far as I can see, your husband has treated you with nothing but contempt and disrespect, getting progressively worse over the last three years and ending things in one of the worst ways possible. He’s been hiding cash, taking cash, and now assets. He isn’t going to play nice, he doesn’t give a fuck about keeping things amicable, so option one is out.
He may well have an OW he is setting up home with now, or in the near future. But even if she’s pregnant, given his track record with his actual wife, I doubt he’d give a monkeys about doing the ‘right thing’ by her so that won’t be enough motivation for him to speed things along. So don’t count on option three either.
Think of this as a contract negotiation. Both parties are trying to get what’s best for them—and in your case (and let’s face it not your ex’s), for your children as well. You need to enter this negotiation with clarity about what you want and need. Handle it with dignity. You don’t have to be vindictive or petty, but you also can’t expect him to behave the same way - nothing in his behaviour to date suggests he will. Be respectful and firm but absolutely fight for what you need. If it turns any more acrimonious than it already is, and if he refuses to compromise— at that point, that’s on him, not you.
You are on your own now - you can no longer rely on anyone else, especially him, to look out for your own interests. You are responsible for three small children for the next 18 years. You must secure a settlement that allows you not just to survive, but to thrive—for your sake and theirs.
If you try to play nice and placate him, you’ll be walking straight into option two. And he will very happily let you.
You need to accept that he is no longer your friend. His actions show he will take everything he can, at your expense. He doesn’t give a flying fuck whether you still like him or not—so stop worrying about keeping the peace and focus on securing what you and your kids need.
If you’re concerned about this thread being outing but still want advice / to share / vent about some of the legalities etc. you could start a new thread under a different username.
💜