Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

Christ have insomnia so read op’s posts only. Interesting how it’s possible to absolutely hate someone you’ve never met but here I am hating op’s “husband”. Pathetic shallow loser. His poor mother must be so ashamed.

Was in the hairdressers and an elderly lady was recounting how her grandson had dumped his girlfriend and new baby for someone else. Everyone in there of every age sex and class including his own grandmother was hating on him. Hope your Dh prepared for that.

So sorry this has happened to you but he will deny deny deny now! Have you said anything to his mother about what the ex boyfriend said to you? X

I think he’s shouting it’s you, it’s you so he can whine to anyone who’ll listen that’s why I had to leave, nightmare. He’s too cowardly to just come clean and say OW.
Clearing out your joint savings is disgusting. I hope you can lock down everything else.
And find all the records of his pensions, bonuses that you can. My friend’s ex husband cheated her out of tens of thousands by concealing money and lying on the financial declarations.

Please see a solicitor OP protect yourself financially!! If he’s cleared out joint savings, you transfer what’s in the joint current acc to your savings. What a Knob!! No more pick me dance OP, find your anger!! Typical cliche with younger work colleague, what a prize she has won, not!! I hate these men, when their much more successful wives enter the mother stage, they don’t step up, keep their social lives as before, then have affairs, as their wives are ‘neglecting them’ as they are too busy looking after their kids, with no help. You can do this, you are a clever woman, you can go back to work when kids are a bit older, build your career up again. He’s treated u dreadfully remember this, he doesn’t deserve you!! It is awful now I know, but in a years time you’ll look back and think that OW has done u a favour, as she’s saddled with him and three kids, she won’t have thought about this in the throes of her affair, and that he will be using her for childcare the first chance he gets. She hasn’t got kids so will be in for a shock on his weekends with the kids. While you will be fabulous and not give a shit about him anymore!

I think you should get as much support from family as you can to help with the DCs. You need to start a new life for yourself - think about work - being at home with 3little ones is exhausting. How far away is DMIL?
Eventually having a nanny and looking at working again. Meet people,get out of the house.

What an utter cockwomble he is! OP the early years are incredibly tough. We argued so much in the early years and nearly divorced when the kids were 8 and 5 after 8 years of him being shit and me being broken.
He really needs to understand that he cannot leave the kids as well and have an easy life.

You need to make plans to get back to work in 6 months time. The longer you are off , the harder it will be to restart a career. Invest in childcare to protect you career and earning potential. This was both your family and you are the only one whose career is in jeopardy.

Get fierce with him and refind that strong woman who wore the trousers. Tell him to leave and at the weekend let him know that you have plans and he will be in sole charge.
Tear him a new arsehole for stealing your joint savings .

Decide if you want him to be at your home or to take the children elsewhere. If you can bear to be apart of, get him to have the baby too.

I’m so sorry. Everything you have written about him sent chills down my spine. It was clear as day to anyone who has been through this that she was waiting in the wings. You’re so much better odds without him. He’s an abusive narcissist.

A word of warning though. Expect things to turn nasty now. Possibly worse than you could ever imagine. When you separate from a narcissist - even if they are the one to leave - they turn to try to destroy you.

Take copies of everything and take it to a trusted friend’s house (not sure if your parents are fully on your side?) take the children’s passports and birth certificates, too. Communicate in writing only, and be mindful of everything you say in those emails because it will be used against you. Ask for half of the joint savings back. Buy everything you need for the foreseeable, ie is your car due an upgrade? Phone? Etc.

Nice advice but sounds like he's decided to leave already and doesn't really care. He's a typical male exec who thinks he's all powerful and doesn't give a shit that the small kids phase is bloody hard - he just isn't interested in putting in any work and just wants an easy life. Sad effing twat.

OP I'm so sorry. Go full throttle with what he wants (splitting up) as it will either a) shock him into realising what he's lost or b) make it less painful for you in the long run. Get every single piece of advice you can, make sure you and the kids stay in the house, etc.

He's the one that will have the money for the powerful lawyer sadly but there is a lot of help out there too. Sending solidarity OP. Your three little ones are so lucky to have you!

Is the not getting along fairly recent? As in, since the last baby has come along? If so, I agree with PP who have said you both need to take a breath and step back.

If it's been going on prior to baby no 3, then it's not just your DH who has been 'feckless' as another poster described him; bringing another child into an already unhappy situation would be feckless on both sides!

I don't think think threatening thing or saying things 'to see how he reacts' is good advice at all. You need cool heads here and pragmatism, not fuelling the fire.

Time to get tough and lawyer up, OP! He’ll
already be hiding assets. Don’t give an inch, after how he has treated you. He is below contempt.

This ship has long since sailed.
He strung it out.
But predictably, he left her.
He’s cleared out the accounts and taken assets.
And yes, the OW was the child free work colleague he’s away with every week.
And yes, they have been having unprotected sex.

I’m so sorry op. He really is a walking cliche isn’t he? He is literally up to his nuts in this trollop (and yes, she absolutely IS a trollop. What kind of woman shags a married man with little children?) but of course he is going to deny it. Because, to admit it, he would have to look in the mirror and admit to himself that he is a lying, cheating, disloyal shitbag. So, instead, he follows the script, rewrites history and blames everything on you. It’s common as muck, but so, so painful for you. All that fucking about with “needing space” blah blah, the cheek of him! He doesn’t need space, he needs to take a long hard look at himself and then take an STI test, but he probably won’t realise that.
The only thing you can do is grey rock him op. Cold as fucking ice, communicate about nothing but the children. Dig deep, you must have been a balls out woman to be so successful in finance so young , so bring out that inner warrior. Do only what is best for you and dc, show that useless turd no consideration. Leave him to miss shiny new minge, they are both revolting and they deserve each other.
Build a new life for you and you only. More than likely he will realise that the grass actually isn’t greener, it’s Astro turf and it’s burnt his arse, but by then? You will have realised that you are better off without him.
I am cheering for you op, you can do this xxx

I have just read the whole thread, and all the way through, every part of it happened to me 10 years ago. The stringing along, blaming me. I thought all the way through reading your story he is definitely having an affair- but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Please please OP find your anger and grey rock this man. You are clearly an amazing woman. Prioritise yourself and your lovely kids and don’t give this man the satisfaction of bringing you down.

You need a good solicitor, in your position you will be entitled to a bigger settlement.

Oh god I just read the whole thread so:

• he stole from you when you were out with the kids
• he told you the marriage is done via a midnight text
• he drained the joint account
• he's hiding his bonus
• he's shagging his employee
• he's nasty to you and has a go at you for contacting his mum!

What a complete tosser. OP a middle aged bloke whose divorced with 3 tiny kids is the biggest red flag on earth. He's well below you. I think you need to realise what a tosser he's always been, he just hid it well when you were younger. You're so much better off without this dead weight dragging you down!!

I'd let the MIL know what's going on now, that he's walked out on the marriage and that he has an affair partner.

OP you can still have that life you dreamed of with the baking, kids running around, homely stuff, he doesn't need to be there for that. Your life will be so much nicer without this guy constantly dragging you down, with his shitty disappointing parenting, constant anger and gaslighting, I guarantee it!

At the heart of it you were always smarter than him and you still are, alongside being a far nicer person and a 100% better parent, remember that!

Ask him how he'd feel if you told him that you were leaving him and the children. That you were leaving him with sole responsibility for those three lives. If he thinks he'd find it hard to cope, why does he think it's okay to land this burden and stress on you when you are already so clearly stressed and exhausted. Point out that this would be cowardly, selfish and brutal and if he does this knowingly after you have explained how cruel it would be, it could push you over the edge.

Don't do this! It's incredibly petty and childish and sets a bad example for children who should at least be able to trust that adults can conduct themselves as adults.

OP, if one person wants out, the relationship is over. Please, stop begging and find some dignity. It's going to be hard, but you will make it. He is often not around as it is and has not been a partner to you for some time now, it seems. You'll likely find your life easier without him in it.

He is, however, still responsible for supporting his children as much as he can and you have every right to hold him to that. However, proceed as an adult. Hold your head high and communicate frankly and calmly about what needs to happen for the children.

I wouldn't bother with the investigator regarding the affair, it won't make any difference legally in the divorce. Luckily your stbxh is clearly a complete moron, and his draining of the joint account will mean any solicitor you hire will tear him to pieces!

Yes he is. There's no legal way to make him fo 50/50

This ⬆️. x 💯

I agree with pp. Don't beg, have dignity. You'll need to get support and advice though, but most importantly, a good solicitor.

I beg of you to book an appointment with a solicitor asap. You have got to stand up and protect yourself and those children. The longer you leave it, the more money he is hiding/stealing from you and from his own children.

He has been playing dirty and screwing you over for weeks/months. You are so far behind him, the longer you leave it, the further behind you become. Burying your head in the sand, procrastinating, it is harming you. The timing is really really important - please (and I mean this with kindness) you need to put your big girl pants on and start making affirmative action. Book an appointment before the end of the day, an appointment to see a solicitor this week.

You know 100% he is cheating with that woman. It is black and white. Don’t waste your time or money on a PI. What will a photo of them holding hands coming out of a restaurant do to help? Nothing. And you don’t want to see that. It will serve no help in a divorce.

You don’t need to file for divorce (I think you should! But if you are not ready for that step you don’t have to act on it yet) but you need the help of a solicitor to fully understand the financial situation you are in and to start making plans to protect you and the kids.

You need legal advice now. I would serve a divorce petition as quickly as possible and freeze any other accounts or assets he could raid. Disgusting behaviour.

If he comes to see the kids, have them all ready to collect but don’t allow him in. Speak to your solicitor about protecting your home as he is already removing valuable items without agreement.

This could get very nasty when he realises you aren’t just going to roll over.

If he wants to go so be it.. BUT as a parent he's also responsible for three very young children and he can't just skip off and pop back to see them when it suits.

Unfortunately he absolutely can. All the posters telling the OP to announce they’re sharing custody 50/50 are being ridiculous. He will just say no, that doesn’t work with my job, and that’s that. No one can force their ex to share equal custody even if she wanted to.

I just can't get over the fact that not only are there two young children, there's a 6 month old baby as well. What a prince of a man 🙄

Stop trying to figure him out.

m You’re thinking like you because you cannot imagine what it’s like to me a belly-crawling, lying, manipulative, malignant low life.

He's going to utterly screw you over financially if you don’t get your head out of the sand.

I had it done to me - and I will never ever recover financially. And neither will my children after what he did to us.