Husband wants to leave me, but I have 3 under 4!

[Gnarly999]

This is my first post, but I’m exploding and don’t want to talk to my friends as it makes it all “too real”, so hoping I can talk on here..
I have a 6 month old, 2 and 4 year old, and really struggle to cope. My husband travels a lot for work which has been really difficult and our marriage has died. I’ve been resentful and probably not very nice to him, but all I really wanted was for him to show me some love and affection and to put our family first, and be here more. I was lonely and struggling and needed him.
After a few months of arguing he says he wants to leave me!! I’m devastated on every level. He says he loves me like a sister but not a wife, doesn’t fancy me (I’m still fairly attractive I think). Says he can’t live like this and needs to focus on his work (we easily have enough money anyway). He’s also bringing up arguments from 15 years ago and replaying every negative thing that’s happened between us!
I’ve begged him to stay and to try and at least to wait until the kids are a bit older. I actually don’t know how I’d cope. I’m a SAHM, and feel completely hopeless.
what should I do? Fight for him to stay and to make it work? Or get some self respect and tell him to leave?
I just don’t think I’d ever get over this, and my heart feels broken for the children too. I can’t stop crying. Help!!

@Windmill34 i totally agree with your post. I've given advice on this thread but I don't think it's going in. I'm going to check out and wish the OP well.

Good on you for taking control today, OP, and reminding yourself of your strength, capability, and the support you have around you. Keep talking, keep sharing - this is not your shame.

If you don’t want to preempt the conversation by telling him to F off before Friday, go into the conversation with the mindset that he’s already decided to end things. Given that, think about how you enter and exit the conversation in a way that retains your power and dignity while taking some of his away.

You wouldn’t beg, and you wouldn’t lash out—but you could turn the tables. You could agree with him, acknowledge that this is clearly too much for him to handle, that love and respect has died for you too but you want to focus on being good co-parents and dispel any myths that you won’t be stronger on your own.

IF he says he wants to try - what conditions would you need for you to commit to that?

Frankly, I’d find it galling that someone who was supposed to be my biggest supporter could treat me with such disrespect and contempt for so long, and then just walk away while inflicting as much pain as possible. I don’t think I could just sit and wait for that to happen.

I suspect he hasn’t replied because—what could he possibly say? He’s been exposed as a selfish failure by both his mother and his wife, and he just wants out. And he hasn’t enquired about his baby because - it’s not about him and he doesn’t really care.

You are worth far more than this 💕

I really hope you don’t fight for him. I wish so much you’d save your fight for yourself. He’s showing you who he is. I think even some of the posters at the start of this thread, who helped construct messages for you to use to ask him to please fight for your marriage, have since read your updates and changed their minds. So awful is this man. He clearly has no respect for you at all. If you do persuade him to stay and fight to save the marriage, he will always have the upper hand. He will always tell himself he compromised to make you happy. (Only he won’t make you happy because he will behave even worse than he is now). He will always resent you for making him stay. He will blame you. And he will throw it in your face at every opportunity: the big sacrifice he made for you. I know you think this is a young family / hard years / exhaustion issue which you both just need to power through and come out the other side. But I don’t think that’s the cause of the problem. He isn’t fit to be your partner. Ever. He isn’t fit to be a dad to your children. He doesn’t call them to say hello when he’s away, or even rush home to tuck them in, even though he could have done. He chose his female colleague instead. And he tries to make out like you’re the unreasonable one for questioning this..? Nah mate, come on, this ain’t right! I rarely tell people they should leave someone. It’s not my place. If you stay with him then at least do it with your eyes well and truly open. He isn’t a good man, and this isn’t because he is depressed or working too hard. He’s an absolute shit. I bloody hope you tell him to get the fuck away from you.

Honestly Op, other than being familiar, having a shared history (which he's rewriting), and a spare pair of hands when he's home - what is he bringing to the party?
And what is he taking away? Your self esteem and dignity. Please, please don't let him.

OMG@Windmill34 is 'brutally' correct. I know from experience it's hard to hear but 100% correct. I wish I'd taken the 'brutal' Mumsnet advice when I went through this. Please get on the front foot, speak to a solicitor and start laying down terms with him now - forcefully.

I have literally only just started putting my foot down (12 years later) with the ExH and only now do I feel that he has a tiny modicum of respect for me.

I'm sorry OP.

He is cheating on you. I know you don't want to believe it yet but I've been on here for 15 years and stories like yours are on here every single day. Have a look on the relationship board. They literally ALL follow the same script.

I get at the moment you want to believe he's having a mid life crisis and will come around but likelihood is that he has already checked out a while back and has only now decided to let you know it - so you are playing catch up and this will take time mentally. He's literally told you he doesn't want to be with you anymore and you are like a sister. I don't think there's any going back from this and I'm afraid you are probably going to have a lot worse to come so prepare yourself.

Please remember as others have said - he is NOT your friend now. He isn't the man you fell in love with. They turn into strangers overnight.

A man who is happy to leave his wife and three small children is not a good man. Everything else you've said about him makes him sounds vain, selfish and cruel.

Please, please go and speak to a solicitor. Sending you strength 💐

He is such an arsehole, you are too good for him!!!
Read back your posts, and ask yourself, is he the sort of man you would like for your daughter or best friend??

To those saying OP isn’t listening and she needs to do this or that ——— this isn’t a soap. It’s OPs life. And it’s just come crumbing down.

its very very early days and op will be going through a whole host of emotions and even if her head says one thing her heart won’t have caught up yet.

i know people are coming from a good place but op will come to her own decisions in her own time

Yeah you’re right! He really is a pri*k!
I get back this evening to do bed time, he’s here and doesn’t ask how I am, anything, doesn’t really speak to me other than to tell me his going to the pub and don’t put the bolt on because he’s coming home.
He said he was going to his mum’s house again, but obviously not.
He’d also bought two steaks which i think he’d planned to cook tonight? But then chose the pub..
confusing. Anyway, I didn’t rise to it and basically focused on the kids and ignored him.

I’m not ignoring you all, I’m finding this beyond helpful! Thank you so much! It’s actually a wonderful thought that strangers are so kind and spending your time to help me. I’ve been looking at people today and wondering if maybe someone could be on this thread, helping me, it’s a nice thought!

So although I’m not ignoring you, and am really coming to terms with my husband being a pretty horrible man (although he does have some redeeming characteristics…), I’m still really struggling at the loss of the family unit I thought I’d have and be able to give my children. I defiantly don’t think there’s anything wrong with divorce, and have so much respect for all those that have been though it (now more than ever), but no one in our close families or friendship group has ever been divorced so it feels quite alien and scary. Something that would never have crossed my mind until last Saturday! So I guess I’m still trying to come to terms with it, and finding it hard.

So I guess I’m still trying to come to terms with it, and finding it hard.

Oh love, of course you are ❤️ he's literally just dropped this bomb on you a couple of days ago.

You sound absolutely lovely and like a very sweet person btw. Do you have anyone in RL to confide in? I have 4 dc's and can't imagine what it's like going through this when they are so small. He is being unbelievably cruel.

You are in a great position though in that you own your own property, your dh is a high earner and it sounds like you are very bright and had a great career before you had your dc's. The most important thing at the moment is concentrating on yourself and your babies - try to grey rock him as much as you can and don't chase him. He sounds like the type who'll just humiliate you if you do the pick me dance.

For me personally there'd be no going back from this and when you've had time to get your head around it I'd be getting my ducks in a row.

It’s good that you’re finding your anger. Obviously not enjoying being at his mums that much! Be prepared for more back tracking as he realises parenting isn’t that easy.

a couple of things you might want to put in your back pocket:

1 - I’d let the MIL know he’s been spending a lot of time time with colleague X ( make sure she knows her first name). Don’t accuse him of having an affair, but maybe mention that he’s gone out of his way to drop her off, rather than come home to spend time with his kids.

it plants a seed. So when the ‘new’ girlfriend is introduced, mil will know she was on the scene
during this break up.

2- think about what you want. Is it kids most of the time? Or 50/50? Courts favour 50/50, but so do dads who want to pay as little child support as possible. Just remember, his love life will take a hit when he has to step up and parent, so I’d be going for 50/50. No bigger passion killer than other people’s kids- I don’t know many young single women who’d relish spending their weekends with three young kids, so go for 50/50.

3- this might feel quite painful now, but trust me when I say that if he does run off with this other woman, he will be going out of the frying pan and into the fire. He hasn’t left you because you’re not ‘enough’- he has left because he’s realised that life with young kids is exhausting and relentless. He is craving what life was like before you both had kids.
he thinks he has it with OW, but the jokes on him. If she is younger with no kids, guess what? She will want the kids. Fast forward 5 years and he’ll be in exactly the same situation he’s in now! You, on the other hand, will have older primary kids, life will have calmed down, you’ll have your career, and a social life because he will have the kids half the time. He will probably have a couple of kids with the OW, he’ll be exhausted, skint and the OW will be nagging him to pull his weight.

Karma can be a beautiful thing!

Just remember, his love life will take a hit when he has to step up and parent, so I’d be going for 50/50.

Or OP could make decisions about what custody arrangement she's going to push for based on the best interests of her children and herself rather than treating her children as an inconvenience to spitefully stick her ex with.

Chumplady is a good resource when you are ready.

www.chumplady.com

The best interest of her children include her having time for self care, career/skills development, exercise and a social life.

This should be stuck to everyone's fridge

I’m still really struggling at the loss of the family unit I thought I’d have and be able to give my children.

OP this is understandable. I think one thing to recognize is that you're finally reconizing and grieving the idea of something that you thought you'd have when you and DH married and had children. He's not ripping away that stable, loving family unit right now, his announcement has just finally made you realize that that dream has never actually materialized and he has no intention of helping you bring it to life.

Of course you need to grieve that. But know that you can create a stable family unit and home for you and your DC. In fact you've already been doing that, you've just been trying to do it around the void that is your disappointing DH.

The lady who wrote a couple of threads is an inspiration @Gnarly999 .

Her name is @Gingerloaf. Her story is well worth finding.

Thank you. Although I don’t have the Premium version so how could I find her?

So if you want an update…

He came back from the pub, into the room I was in, saw me and walked back out, to the kitchen to get some food. I then went to get a glass of water and say night, as he’s sleeping in the spare room. He did ask if I’d had a good day, but the vibe is very tense, and it’s almost like he’s sulking with me?!? Had a brief chat and then he said he’d cook the steak he bought for us for Valentines and get some nice wine. So I said, please don’t, you’re leaving me, we’re not going to do valentines. He said no I’m not, not then at least, and I’ve got you a card and everything. I said, you can’t string me along like this, it’s awful. So I said, you have to decide if we’re going to seriously sort this mess out or just leave, the sooner the better, so I can move on. He said a few other things but essentially it’s like we were having two different conversations! My stomach was churning I was so on edge, and he’s just casually eating a sandwich and talking as if nothing has happened. Very confusing. It’s making me hate him more.

Is this saying he’s changed his mind and he’s back tracking? Or this is edging towards something even more toxic?

I know I should have packed his bags for him! But arghh, I can’t seem to do it!

Thanks again for listening to this ramble!!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5186498-no-longer-blindsided-by-h

See above thread

Just been reading up on “the script” wow, so accurate! So sad so many men do this!!

Re the update: what a complete jackass.

He has been computing how much a divorce will cost.

Don't be his doormat. Tell him you're taking him at his word that the relationship is over, and that you have hired a solicitor.

Otherwise mark my words you'll be back in the same boat a year from now.

yup I laughed reading it. My husband followed the script. They all think they are so unique

He's sounding you out to see if you're possibly going to accept a future with him.

Basically hedging his bets. As a pp says, he's probably realised how much a divorce is going to cost him financially (he's seen a solicitor).

So likely his mother has talked him into staying with you.

I'd take the power back and tell him to do one.

Don't let this selfish fucker play mind fuck games. Turf him out.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. A friend was in a similar situation. She had four children and they were a little older. When her DH left she left the kids with him and only had them on the weekends. She lived with her mum and went back to uni, she picked the kids up a couple of nights a week and dropped them home at 6, and had them with her every other weekend. She turned around a situation where she felt trapped into something that worked for her.