I’ve been following your thread, op. I’m around the same age as you, and my youngest of three is also six months old, so I really empathise with your situation. If he’s sleeping in the spare room, I imagine you’re handling most of the night wakings with the baby, and when he’s away, you’re also tending to the other two at night. You must be utterly sleep-deprived, and he couldn’t do this to you at a harder time. The fucker.
Having read your full thread, I can see the journey you’ve been on. At the start, you were in full panic mode, but the scales have begun to fall and you can see that your H isn’t the good dad, husband, or man you once thought he was. Of course he has some redeeming qualities—no one is all bad—but you’re also recognising that he lacks the qualities you need in a partner and co-parent. And you’re beginning to see you do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you.
You’re now facing the reality of building a life you never envisioned and have no reference point for. That is enormous - but I can see your strength and anger emerging Hold onto that. I’d encourage you to be curious—what could life look like as a single parent? What do you want for yourself? There are plenty of threads on MN that might help you explore this and reframe from what you’re losing to what you would be creating.
It’s easy to say, tell him to f* off—and every woman on this thread would cheer you on if you did—but there are other ways to reclaim your power if you’re not there yet.
You can accept the situation and let him go. You don’t need to push him; you can simply agree and focus on moving forward—not in a flippant way, but in a way that allows you to become practical and realistic about what life as a single parent might look like.
You can choose not to engage with him. If he wants a Valentine’s dinner, you can say, no - it’s not appropriate. Show him you’ve taken seriously his threat to leave and you’re preparing for that.
If he says he’s not going now, you can set out clearly to him what you would need in order for you to be ok with him staying. Or force him to agree a timescale for leaving if and only if it would help you.
I’d also keep an eye out for gaslighting and emotional manipulation. We weren’t privy to your conversation last night, but it sounds like he’s already backtracking on some of what he said? I could be reading that wrong, but trust your instincts. You might want to start documenting things so you don’t end up questioning yourself.
I also think you’d be within your rights to do bit of snooping about any potential OW - forewarned is forearmed, particularly if he does start gaslighting you.
Out of curiosity, when he first said he wanted to leave, was it a calm, planned conversation (or series of conversations)? Or was it said in the heat of an argument? If it was the latter, I can see how he might now feel he acted in haste and is trying to buy time. If it was the former, I suspect his mother has told him he needs to come home and make an effort. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he’s doing damage control—because walking out on your wife, kids, and six-month-old on Valentine’s Day isn’t a good look and I bet he cares about what people think of him.
Well done for standing up to him last night and not begging. You are stronger than you know. I see a smart, capable woman and mother—someone who thrived in a male-dominated work environment, uprooted her life to support her husband, and is managing three kids under four largely on her own.
Know your worth. Grieve what you’re losing, but also open yourself up to new possibilities. ✨
If you ever want to PM me for an impartial sounding board, you’re more than welcome.