Morning @Gnarly999
I hope you got some rest and are taking care of yourself today.
I’ve read your updates, and I want to offer some reflections as an outsider. This is said with kindness and I hope I’m wrong, but you need to take him at his word and, more importantly, at his actions.
He has told you he wants out.
His actions confirm he wants out.
It’s clear he began to emotionally check out probably when DC1 arrived and he struggled to adjust to parenting, not being the centre of attention and having to prioritise others.
He justifies his work absences by claiming he’s “supporting the family,” but the truth is, he could work less, earn less, and be more present if he wanted to. He makes no concerted effort to contact you or his kids while he’s away and appears resentful and uninterested when you contact him. His behaviour shows that out of sight, you and the kids are out of mind.
I work away a lot - I will always make time to FaceTime or call even for a minute because it’s important to me to support my spouse while I’m away and to be as connected to my children as possible. His actions prove he doesn’t care. Giving a colleague a ride home instead of seeing his children? That speaks volumes. He does not miss them when he’s gone, and he is not invested in them.
He has explicitly told you he does not love you, does not desire you, and does not want to have sex with you. He has no regard for how this impacts you. Instead, he pays for other women’s bodies to meet his needs, while completely disregarding yours. This is not just disrespectful- it’s a deliberate and clear physical rejection of you.
He has made his choice about this relationship—every day, and it is for himself, not for you, not for your family. He is so focussed on himself and his own needs, he has no empathy or interest in how you’re coping, doesn’t consider what you need, and has no interest in making adjustments. He expects support from you but offers none in return.
His selfishness is absolute. He does not listen to you, does not care about your feelings, and has no interest in your happiness. He has not tried to work through his unhappiness with you. He does not want to fix this. He would rather throw money at a nanny to buy his freedom than face up to his responsibilities.
In his self absorption he has lost respect for you. When you present logical, reasonable concerns, he dismisses them—but listens to his mother instead. That tells you everything: (1) Your concern was valid, and (2) He has zero respect for you or your opinions.
You have minimal time together, yet he rejects every opportunity to reconnect. When you are together, do you talk? Do you laugh? Do you make plans for the future? I suspect not.
You fear losing your family unit, but ask yourself—do you really have one other than on paper? A healthy family unit relies on teamwork, emotional presence, and shared commitment. He is not mentally present, often not physically present, not engaged, and not invested. You may not be losing as much as you think.
Honestly, I think you only want to stay ‘for the kids,’ but that only works when both parents can function as a team. Right now, you are a team of one. If he says he’ll stay, you must ask yourself: on what terms can you truly accept this? Unless he takes ownership of his behaviours and radically changes, can you build a life where your emotional, social, and sexual needs are met elsewhere? Because he is making it abundantly clear he will not meet them.
Flowers bloom where they are watered. For whatever reason—stress, resentment, dissatisfaction, another woman—he has not tended his relationship with you or his family. And now, it has withered. Instead, he pours his energy into work, his work relationships, and porn. Those are his priorities.
If he is planning to end it on Valentine’s Day (you couldn’t make it up), you need to be ready. Maybe his mother will convince him to “try,” but unless he wants to, it will fall apart.
People change significantly between mid twenties and 40, neither of you are the same people you were. You may find some of these behaviours and coping mechanisms were apparent before kids but were less of an issue and you were able to put more focus on him to smooth them over.
You already know you deserve better. You and your children deserve to be cherished, supported, and prioritised. The man you loved has gone. He has failed you. That is not your failure—it is his. Life will be hard, but it will be healthier without the constant erosion of your self-worth.
I’m truly wishing you strength. Take back your power 💕