He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

I did. They ran a legal aid test and said I'd have to pay to use their service (£401 per month). Re: the orders form- I'd already filled this out the night before so they couldn't do anything more. The lady advised me to contact the family court in my area and drop the forms off. When I asked who the family court was, I was asked to google it! I'm beginning to think the law is a big joke- a simple tick box exercise with very little substance.

I've started ringing round agencies to pick up extra work.

Oh @maaataa

I’m so fucking sorry this has been made so hard for you. It enrages me that our systems are so inadequate.

I have no useful advice, beyond look after yourself as best you can, and the offer of a listening ear.

Don't let him in again; change the locks. There's a real risk of him becoming violent again - especially as he realizes you're wising up and no longer swallowing everything he tells you, and that he isn't going to dictate the terms of the divorce. Call a locksmith today.

You seem to have the legal stuff on place, but I still recommend you getting on touch with Rights of Women, as another poster suggested. Helping victims of DV navigate the law is their reason d'etre. They were fantastic in helping a friend of mine.
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

@Elsvieta- I can't. He's co-owner. I can't lock him out. I have to follow what the police say and stay out of his way. The problem is for how long?! And the children are bound to realise he's home in the morning.

I've just called them and their advice line is closed today. This is what I'm finding really difficult- there's no one on hand to talk to. Ever.

Ps. Apologies for the poor spellings, grammar and overall sentence construction of my messages- my brain feels like mush atm and my speech has started to slur as I'm talking. I've also started to feel really cold and will sometimes start shivering randomly. I'm currently sitting in bed replying to emails. I need to get ready to collect the DC but am struggling to find the energy. Once this is over, I'm taking driving lessons to make my life easier.

I pray and hope I can keep hold of the house/mortgage. That is my biggest worry, second only to my DCs wellbeing.

Ps. I've seen a different look in his eyes since he's returned- it's dark and vacant. He's faced trauma in the past and has told me how easy it is for him to detach himself from a situation. I feel that's happened here with how he sees me. There's no emotion.

I don't want to been anywhere near him and I can't believe how useless the police have been so far and how badly they present themselves to victims of crime. The people this morning were lovely though.

Record him, and police, on your phone for your safety. Otter Voice Notes transcribes this too all recordings are free and an hour or two per month of transcription but you can upgrade.

This is not illegal and is admissible in court.

Also record any phone conversations too. Cube ACR is free and £10 per year to save calls to Google drive.

Ugh. I'm so sorry. I know how frustrating that is. When I needed to help my friend it was at the height of COVID and virtually none of the organisations I contacted were available. It was so stressful and disappointing.

You’re feeling shock, or an adrenaline slump.
You need food, a hot drink, have the heating on if you can. Hot water bottle.

I’ve lost track of your circumstances. Is anyone on your side, able to babysit you a bit? Have you taken time off work, called in sick, used an employee assistance line?

Oh, what an ordeal you've had. I am so angry on your behalf that the police didn't arrest him. As you said before they said they didn't need your statement if he did it again. And you have injuries so at the very least it was an assault.

I hope the order goes through asap and that he stays away. I'm glad the police showed up for you in the end.

Please don't be angry with yourself. Women are brought up to think the best of everyone and a crime can feel very banal at the time. It took me 12 hours from being seriously sexually assaulted before I realised it was a crime. People asked me why I didn't scream and shout and I said because it was 4am and I didn't want to disturb anyone.

I'm glad you've seen the extent of his abuse. You are protecting yourself and your children. You are preventing any daughters from becoming victims and preventing any sons from becoming abusers.

You're amazing.

Please contact victim support. It's part of the Police. You will have this in your local area.

Have the police referred you for an idva?
Have you tried a local domestic abuse charity to see what face to face support they can offer?

I've left my details with all the local ones that answered. I've been trying to get through to the DV helpline and must've spent 7 hours since Sunday on hold with them.

Hey Op so sorry you've had a shitty experience here with the police unfortunately your not the first and won't be the last (had this issue myself years ago) . I know you've alot going on but I advise logging a formal complaint with the police in relation to how this has been handled.
My friend did in a very similar situation and higher up re-evaluated the action the officers took on that occasion and acctually did arrest the partner for similar offences almost a year later but better late than never.

As social services have rang and are doing assessments ect have you voiced that you don't want to be anywhere near him and so on? They may be able to help.

Your likely run down into the ground this is not only a big toll on you physically but also mentally. Take 5 for yourself, make sure you eat and drink to keep strength up.

Also have you managed to confide in anyone in RL yet such as your mum or a friend?

Take care OP x

You are doing beautifully. I used to work in this field . May this all pass quickly for you. You are doing amazingly well.

You are doing really well and I know you are focussed on the legal stuff right now.

But I know you are worried about keeping the House. You say you are in a 3 bedroom house and stay in an area that’s great for public transport, so I’m guessing a city. Do you know that you can earn up to £7,500 / year TAX FREE from renting out a room in your house to a lodger ? One of my relatives pays a chunk of her mortgage doing this.

She’s a single woman so she only takes women, she’s had about 6or 8 over ten years and she’s never had to ask one to leave.

The best lodgers are Monday - Thursday ones that go home each weekend. Or mature overseas students who come from a more family based culture. Or those from far away parts of the Uk, as they will go home for all the holidays .

You don’t want anyone who is at home all day, works from home etc

Yes it IS a hassle, it’s not free money. You have to keep the living room and kitchen tidier that you might otherwise as you need to share these areas. And you need to agree the rules about sharing common spaces and overnight guests. And of course it’s more complicated as you have young children.

But it might be an option that would help you. It’s not straightforward but it’s a possibility.

I just wanted to put this down here for anyone it might help.

Yes, you can. People do it all the time in cases like this. (Have you really never known anyone who threw their spouse out of the house they owned together?). I know he's telling you that you can't, but you really need to stop listening to him. If he calls the police, refer them to his history of DV. And the GP who can tell them about your injuries. Change the locks and have no more communication except through your lawyer. If he wants his half of the house, he's entitled to try to get it - in the divorce settlement.

Seriously, it's at moments like this (when they realize you are escaping their control) that the violence often escalates. He could attack you (or your children) while you sleep. Besides, as soon as you get to court he'll be trying to say that there couldn't REALLY have been DV and you can't REALLY have been scared, or you wouldn't have let him back in. Or maybe you'll come home one day to find you're the one locked out (and he won't even let you take the kids). It's really important you do it.

Local charities are typically much more responsive than the national ones. Children’s services can refer you though and it should make the process speedier.

I just wanted to post to say I would complain about the police that said they don’t have time for this. I’m incensed hearing their attitude and they need to face consequences for their behaviour especially as DV is supposed to be a priority. A very quick email to your MP will solve it. They email the person in charge of the police locally and they will have to discuss this with you. Different issues but I’ve done it twice and the person in charge contacted me personally as he had been told to sort it. I would do it as their behaviour is disgusting and because the police will be very careful going forward with you and it will give you a chance to discuss what the police can do to help you. I think you are doing great.

I honestly want to give you a great big hug. The Police were wrong. They have endangered you and your children. You are not in a safe situation currently , through no fault of your own. Please make a complaint. Keep telling people that you are not safe. You sound so amazing and strong. This will get better.

Have the social worker coming over this afternoon....

STBX deliberately reintroduced himself to the children this morning who were shocked, scared and excited and cautious about seeing him. This despite me begging him to leave so he doesn't confuse the children anymore and for us to be in a better place before he saw the children. He then left for work without saying goodbye to the children who then went back upstairs looking for him- the mental torture for them begins again. I hate, hate, hate him so much.

We've got a phone package together and yesterday I received an alert from the network provider saying how sorry they were to see me go after years of good service. I've had the same number for over 20 years and stand to lose this. I can't keep hold of the number because he'd transferred my sim/number onto his account and they can't authorise any changes until he says what he'd like to happen.

Today is the first day I feel a little bit more clear headed but I feel battered and bruised mentally. I wanted the children not to experience the mean-dad treatment but it seems he just sees them as collateral damage.

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you and the children.

Screenshot the text about the phone contract as it's evidence of abuse.
Call the phone company and ask for support. They may not have transferred the number yet.
If you can still text from your phone, text your contacts to say you're getting a new number.
Get a new sim card (giffgaff do packages from £6 a month) and text all your contacts to say this is your new number.
Also change the locks today.
He won't like it and may call the police. If you explain you have applied for an order for him to keep away the police will tell him to leave.

You're amazing. Keep going. One foot in front of the other.