He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death

You need to start from here:

You and your children are alive.
And he has not "smacked" the children around yet.

You will get some great advice here.
Some of it from posters who have been where you are now who worked through the problems and are out the other side.

Take a deep breath.
Everything else will work its way out over time.

Sorry if I am too blunt but
for the big financial bit.
You are getting a divorce.
Even ignoring the DV the house property is gone its only a matter of the timing of when that happens.
You would have needed to qualify for a mortgage on your own and buy a home that you can afford.
Your takehome covers your bills and you have a track record of paying the mortgage so there ia no reason not to qualify for a new loan.
This has just pushed up the timing of that application.

It may sound stupid but you need to switch to think of it as a property you are renting off the mortgage company. You can pay the rent for Feb so the rest is a problem you can think about starting to solve at the end of the month.

You are always going to be better off getting rid of the financial tie between and your soon to be ex

You will not end up homeless you just may need to find a cheaper home.

As for your job you are already working flexable so go in and speak to your manager.

Explain that the DV happened today. You dont need to go into a detailed history of prior events if you do not want to.

Ask your manager what they can do to help. Again it may sound stupid but dont make any suggestion or offer of solutìons.
If your manager is a good manager they will offer you support
If they are a poor manager the suprise and embarssment of being put on the spot will likely prompt them to offer short term support anyway.

If they are a crappy manager even if you stink at your job unless you are under 2 years in the job they have to follow the law and you will have time to look for a new job.
So you will get paid and can pay your rent and pay your bills during this next month.

So deep breath and be positive that it will work itself out.

Long term your role created a skill set that can be transferred to another job.
If you are willing to work 2 jobs and were employed by 2 employers you will get a new job with someone who admires your work ethic.

Give yourself permission to go through a grieving process.

And your children will have a lot to process too.
The police will have contacted Social Services on safegarding the children you can call them to and see what support you can acess.

They may also have better "local' lists for legal aid etc

Even now you can still love him.
But no matter what you have to leave him.

There is no instability more damaging to children than being exposed to domestic abuse. Witnessing frightening adult behaviour including violence, never knowing which version of a parent you’ll get that day etc is what your children need to be protected from. The rest you can figure out later. The police should arrange an idva for you and refer your children to children’s services so you won’t be short of support now.

I think you will have more to worry about if social work come knocking and you are still living with a violent man .

You are going to have to sit down and really think of a path/plan to go alone . I know it way easier said than done but this can’t be swept under the Carpet any longer. Go on entitled to and see what help you would get .

One day at a time.

You have got loads to get your head around. You will get thought this. Some parts will be harder than you expected and some parts will be easier.

Now is the hardest point as you have so much uncertainty, but bit by bit things will resolve.

Be kind to yourself. Sending you hugs.

(And ignore any unhelpful responses on here. It's not you).

@maaataa keep at women’s aid as they can help with legal aid when there is abuse in relationships

Your poor kids 💔

He’s an awful parent and you should never let him back in the house.

Phone the police station and ask that he doesn’t come back.

Ring work and say you can’t come in.
Get a gp appointment and get signed off with stress for a couple of weeks.

Don’t worry about the financial side right this second, focus on getting time off work and then you’ll have time to sort all of that out.

If he loses his job then that’s his fault.
All he had to do was not hit his partner (hardly a big ask) and he failed, so he absolutely deserves to lose his job.

Ring the mortgage company and explain the situation and say that he’s been arrested etc.
They will hopefully give you a mortgage holiday and then you can try and sell up and move somewhere cheaper.

Not. Helpful.

I need stability for myself and my children

And that is what you’ll find.
Divide and conquer, one step at a time.
Make sure you are safe and he cannot get into the house if he’s bailed.
Contact one of the DV support organisations.
You’ll be able to claim UC, reduce your council tax, look into Child Benefit. CAB should help.
It will work out, and your children will be so much happier being away from violence.

It's unforgivable, @maaataa .
NO man has any excuse to hurt another person, never mind his Wife or children.
Neurodiversity doesn't excuse it, either.

You have to get away.
Once he has been this violent, he will attack you again.

Get you and the children out, and a divorce under way.

When the house you are in now is sold, you can buy a smaller one for you and the children.

Keeping your own house is so important. Renting is dead money and no matter what, you shod be able to buy somewhere smaller where you can pay the mortgage yourself.

Take the time to calm down and begin to think things through. You need to go through all the options that you have and address them one at a time. Your exDh will have to pay some kind of support so this may alleviate some of your worries in the future regarding paying bills and so on.
Your mortgage is due for renewal - is it a repayment mortgage? If so, then when you re-mortgage, ask if you can go to an interest-only mortgage for the foreseeable future. It maybe that downsizing is the way to go - but this where you need the time to ask the questions and the costs involved. Would there be equity in your present home or will that be lost in moving expenses? Lots of suggestions and questions have already been asked by other pps - take them on board and look forward to a happier life.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.
I know some mum’s who have found Homestart helpful. They can pair you up with a volunteer that can provide some practical support. They can also attend CAB meetings with you to discuss money issues. https://www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with

As he’s been arrested twice previously for DV, the police or social services will probably make a MARAC referral. This will be three (if I remember rightly) meetings between professionals such as social workers/police/GP, who will discuss how to help moving forwards. You don’t have to attend but it’s really a good way for them to work out how to support you. I agree with others re getting help from DV charities.

Renewing your mortgage as you call it just means you pick either another fixed or a variable rate from your existing lender, they don't underwrite the whole loan again so his income or lack of is irrelevant from that point of view. Now if you mean you will lose the house because you can't afford the payments that's a different thing altogether and will be an issue long before the renewal/end of fixed rate period.

I can only echo what other posters have said tbh, but I've also been a victim of DV in the past 18 months and I fully empathise with how chaotic your head will feel right now, how much stress, how many conflicted emotions to deal with. Big love <3 take one step at a time, putting the immediate safety of yourself and children first.

You'll need to act fast on lots of things, however, and you'll need to have the time and space to manage that - I'd really recommend informing your employer and pushing your GP as a priority. Be completely honest with your GP about the DV situation, I found that it helped in speeding up the process of sick notes etc.

Apologies if it's already been mentioned, but did you have a joint account with him that you'll need to attend to? I almost forgot about our joint account and he was close to shelling everything out.

And push the police for an IDVA if they are taking their time. I found mine really helpful. You can also get in touch to request one independently if you have a local refuge service.

Do you have an assigned officer for the case to contact? And even if this awful man has not already been given a non-mol, have police mentioned anything about being released on bail 'with conditions'? My ex was released on bail with the conditions not to approach me or come within a 1 mile radius of the house for 3 months while I got myself sorted and gone. I'd really emphasise that you don't feel safe knowing he's out there.

Keep as many records and evidence as possible - and make sure to get as much nourishing food and rest when you can <3 <3 feel free to reach out

Contact Refuge, the National Domestic Abuse helpline, or Women's Aid. They will help you.

I thought all sorts of things would happen but it's not like that - you most certainly would not lose the house, you would be supported, the mortgage company would support you, everyone would.

Make that call. They will talk you through all of it and help you through all of it.

It is good he is gone. You can't have someone in your home who attacks you. 😓so sorry but honestly the finances etc is sortable. The main thing is getting rid of him.

Once you’ve got the immediate horrors out of the way, call your mortgage co and see if you can go interest only or have a mortgage holiday for 6 months. They will be happy to help you, good luck lovely

As a woman who was once you.....

You created what felt "safe" because you mitigated his anger as much as you could. You had your home and your kids and the occasional "nice" him. Because the fear of saying ENOUGH!! was too much to deal with.

Now you have no choice but to deal with it all alone.

7 years ago, I was you. I know the terror. The absolute fear of being alone because they make you feel like you cant go anywhere without them. And I realised that actually I had been doing it alone emotionally and financially anyway. Yes me and kids had less money on paper, but we had enough (and more in reality as he wasnt pissing it up the wall). And fuck me, we had so much more joy!

My ex was removed (for the 3rd time) by the police and I knew that this was the final time. I wont say its easy, because it isnt. But it is a hell of a lot easier than doing it living in fear.

You can do this. You WILL do this. Keep the faith.

@maaataa You have been assaulted so shouldn’t be worrying about being late into work; you need to call in sick. If you trust your work/manager tell them what has happened. Whatever; you are sick and need to self certify for five days and seek a GP’s note after that if needed. You need time to recover. Does your work provide an EAP (Employee Assistance Programme) that might offer confidential legal and emotional support?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your kids Can you call your manager and tell them what happened and get some time off any business should be able to cover employees in a time of extreme need.
With your home, do you have a spare bedroom or can kids share and you get a lodger? Just to ease your money worries? It's a quick way to feel more secure financially, and if you have a friend who moves in then that would maybe be comfort too?

There are other houses; if you're divorcing that'll probably mean having to sell anyway. People move house all the time; it's not anything like a parent abandoning kids or living out of binbags. Do it soon and chances are the dc won't even remember the current house; even if they do they won't understand the horrible reasons behind having to leave it. Focus on the hope that they probably won't remember the DV either; leave it any longer and they will. You may be entitled to some benefits, and he will have to pay child support. You've got a rough period ahead, but a year from now you'll be free of him, living your new life without fear, and so much happier. Be strong.

If you need stability then work with the police and support prosecution?

If you really think your kids are safer living with both of you in this house after years of DV, you are absolutely fucking deluded.

Victim Support is another good source of help and advice. They will be able to point you to the most appropriate source of help for your situation and offer free counselling. They also have a strong connection with the courts and police if this is what you need right now. I am sorry you have been so betrayed and let down. You will come through this just keep your courage for now.

Do not let this man back in your life, even if it would make things easier financially. Tell your boss what you are going through, then see your GP. The council should be able to house you until your house is sold. As the kids are young the divorce will be in your favour financially. Be strong

You're kids will have a much better upbringing with a Mum that hasn't been murdered.

First thing tomorrow start contacting organisation that can help. Women's Aid, local Council, The Police can help signpost you as well. You'll need to sell your house, so what, better that than your kids having to witness their Mum being attacked.