He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

You are not a fuckup.

HE is a piece of shit but you have done nothing wrong.

Your main priority needs to be keeping yourself and the kids safe.

The only thing you can be sure of is that if he can kick and punch you in front of the kids, he can strangle or stab you, too.

Don't give him the chance to take you away from your babies forever, OP.

They need you.

Time to get practical, OP. So you will lose the house. It doesn't mean you will never have another one. What I would make sure it meant is that I could move into somewhere that was just mine and that nobody else could touch. I wouldn't let another man live with me tbh.

Once you know that you have to sell, you have to think about the area you can live in. Do you work from home? Can you work from home? What can you get in your area for half the cost of your house? If it's a flat, don't forget to factor in any monthly charges. Don't despair m, everything will be alright. The last thing you need to do though is to take this awful man back.

Just got into bed after faffing about downstairs not doing much. I'm not living in a huge house- it's a 3 bed terrace in an expensive part of the country. I moved to the area over 30 years ago and have spent longer here than I have where I was born. The thought of leaving a house I've made my home makes me want to cry my eyes out. I'm not feeling any emotion atm other than fear at how I'll manage the day to day running of things.

Also, for those saying I took him back after previous incidents of DV- I didn't- he insisted on moving back in as he said he was joint owner and I couldn't kick him out. I've begged and begged and begged him to move out but he just won't- I even offered to put down a deposit on a rental for him to speed up the process. He's had bad luck with holding down a job for the past 7 years and we've had to take 2 lots of mortgage holidays. I won't be allowed another one so my options are to keep up payments on the mortgage and take on a second job to pay off everything else.

I spent 10 years in a flat before moving to the current house 3 years ago. A flat in this area wouldn't necessarily be cheaper than a house. I can't drive and public transport where I am is great so I'd need to stay local to manage school drop offs/pickups and work.

This gives me hope. Lots of it. I want to stay where I am even if it means working 2/3/4 jobs.

Check out the entitledto website. You might think you won't get anything, but you'd be surprised. When DP and I went through a rough patch, I was surprised to see that I was indeed entitled to Universal Credit despite being on a favourable salary. I think this was due to nursery costs etc., but it's worth checking it out.

With your mortgage, you could look at switching to interest only payments for a while. You obviously don't want to do this forever but it may give you some breathing space whilst you get to a better place.

Could you look into extending the length of your mortgage? It would reduce your payments. Later on when your finances improve you could start to overpay.

Check what benefits you’re entitled to - one adult council tax, child benefit and so on.

Consider renting a bedroom out to a female professional, a young teacher, medical student or similar.

If you’ve a driveway can you rent the space out?

Sending you a hug OP

You need to contact social services;you're a victim of domestic abuse and when children are involved they can help protect you and them by ensuring he'll not allowed back in the house even if he's a co owner.

Men like him escalate;it's only a matter of time before he hurts one of the children;social services can make sure he only has supervised access.

OP making sure he doesn't lose his job isn't your responsibility;nobody has the right to assault someone,I'm neurodivergent and struggle with anxiety and depression yet I've never assaulted my spouse.

There is a better future waiting for you and your children OP but at the moment you're so overwhelmed you can't see the wood for the trees.

OP you didn't do anything wrong. He knew he would lose his new job if he assaulted you again and yet for whatever reason he went ahead and kicked and punched you. You are not dealing with somebody rational here. If you hadn't acted this time, he might have killed you next time with your children ending up in foster care.

There is a a lot of neurodiversity in my husband's family but they don't go round assaulting people. I am pretty sure, neurodiversity or not, that your husband wouldn't take on somebody who could hit him back really hard - he picks on you because you're probably smaller and don't have a killer left hook. He also hopes that you will be too frightened about the money to report him. He was looking for a fight but couldn't do something like going out and cooling off.

I wonder if you are estranged from your siblings because of your husband. If so, perhaps some bridge building can occur.

I know it must be a dreadful time for you but I hope things improve.

Bless you. Your post shows why it’s not always so straightforward to LTB as people think. But you cannot live like this. He is an abusive bully and you need to protect yourself and your DC. If you have no ties to the area (family) i’d really consider moving to a new area. I live in the South East and it’s impossible to own a house on a single income. So I am heading back north, next year when youngest finishes education. It’s not easy to start again, but if i bought here i’d also need 2 jobs. How will you do that with the DC? Will he want to see them? Has he been abusive with the DC?

Ultimately your kids need their mother, whether that’s in a mortgaged home or a rental. You cannot continue to take him back as he is abusing you, and you and your DC are not safe. You need an injunction so he cannot just move back into the house. Take it a day at a time. Ultimately things will work out. You must protect your DC now and prevent them growing up seeing DV as normal. Take care, and stay strong. You can do this.

Ok, I'm sorry but this isn't actually true and contains false hope. Social services can't remove him from the house, she needs a court order for that which will be temporary followed by a divorce and a settlement. Social services can signpost her to DV services who can help with the process. Social services also can't insist on supervised contact, only a court can do that so again it's about getting the right advice. OP should have a right to legal aid because of the DV and again DV services can help her access that. I don't disagree with calling SS but they will likely only advise, they don't have the power you think they do.

Let him say whatever he likes, and change the locks. The one upside to there being a history of DV is that now you've got that on record, you'll get help from the police if he tries to force his way in or whatever. Seriously, do it today. You don't know what he might do; he might come in while you're asleep. Or while you're not there.

You don't seem to be factoring future child support into your budgeting; don't forget you will have that. But I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that when you divorce, he probably will force the sale of the house. But you'll have your kids, and you'll have freedom from him. It's not much of a home when you're scared of one of the other people who live there. Your next home will be happier.

Something tells me he hasn't had "bad luck" with jobs, he's caused problems at work with his temper (and, maybe, how he interacts with women). It's unlikely he's told you the whole truth.

Rent out a room? I know someone who does that, to foreign language students via an agency. They’re not super young or need looking after, they come for a month or two and then go.

Thank you everyone- I've taken the day off work and spoken to the children’s nursery and school, called a friend and contacted the employee assistance programme at work, I've also requested an appointment to see my GP at some point today- my neck feels stiff and my body aches.

I'm waiting for a divorce solicitor to call me back. I've looked into an occupation and non-molestation order online. I need to have clarity of thought before I fill this in. I'm tired already.

It's good that you've taken time off work and nursery and school. It's good that you're getting seen by your GP. The medical record will be part of the evidence against him.

Take your time. One step at a time, then rest. This is physically and psychologically draining.

We are here for you. You are amazing for protecting yourself and your children.

You will be on an emotional rollercoaster. Well done for getting on today. Be kind to yourself. My thoughts are with you. You're not the first Nd unfortunately you're not going to be the last to be treated in this way and it is not your fault. Keep strong now get yourself together for you and your kids.💐

He's beaten you up MULTIPLE times. Told you he fantasises your death. He could kill you next time. In front of the kids.

Do you think given the choice the kids would rather have their mum alive or live in that house? If you die who will protect them from him?

Fuck the house. Sell it and move somewhere cheaper. Start again fresh and safe. Your life isn't worth a house of horrific memories of where you've been beaten.

https://injunction.courtnav.org.uk/register/triage

I applied for an occupation order through courtnav . It’s free and after you fill in the forms they check them for you and contact you to advise you about the application and if it’s likely to succeed or other options.

You’ve done so well today, keep the momentum even when you just want to hide from the world. See my username, it’s worth fighting for your, and your children’s freedom.

@maaataa hope you are doing ok x

Please contact the NCDV, they can obtain a 30 day occupational order which means that despite the fact he jointly owns the house, this order will prevent him from coming anywhere near the house for 30 days to give you chance to form a plan 🙏💐

We are all rooting for you. This is the hardest part, don’t soften, you are saving your life and you children’s.

Sell the house. Bank any money you make to create a float. Rent a flat. Your children need you, not you working yourself to death trying to keep the house. Kids don’t care about housing - they just need you, safe, well and present.

Hi all, a quick update:

Turns out he wasn't arrested on Sunday but agreed to leave the property and stay with family

The police that visited on Sunday 'closed the case' because it was my word against his'. I had to chase to find this out as no one contacted me at all afterwards. I was under the impression I'd be making a statement at this point.

I've been to the GP to log my injuries

He returned home yesterday morning wanting 'to see the kids' but I turned him away. He left without saying much. Luckily the DC were upstairs playing and didn't hear anything. He returned in the evening and wouldn't leave. I begged him to leave or I'd call the police. He ended up calling the police, telling them I was threatening to hurt him if he didn't leave the family home and how he had every right to be here. The police came and shouted at me- one of them asked why I was speaking loudly and crying- I said I was scared and angry that they were listening to me. One of the officers said 'I haven't got time for this' and went into the hallway to talk to him again. Both police officers ended up standing outside the house chatting to him for a while as if they were all in on it. Luckily the children were asleep so didn't see or hear any of this rubbish. They left him and went away.

I begged him to keep away from the children who I've put a lot of time and energy into reassuring and talking through the events of Sunday. He said he can't wait 6 months until the divorce is over to see the children. I don't know where he's got 6 months from- I see this dragging on forever.

This morning, he deliberately tried to make a commotion so the children would clock on he was home. They sleep with me in another room (when he was making comments that he wished he were dead) and were too busy playing to notice. Once I heard him go downstairs, I followed him down and told him not to make too much noise and to leave quietly. He blocked my path and smirked at me and then left for work.

I dropped the children off to nursery and school and on the way back, popped over to one of his friends house who I knew was a close confidant of his to ask him to have a word with him to stay away from the house and come back when things had calmed down. He spoke down to me and I left feeling like humiliated.

I then got a call from a social worker who went through the info passed on from police and asking me what had happened. She said there'd be a family and child assessment taking place. I mentioned this morning's incident (blocking my path) and she said I should report that to police. I said I didn't want to as I felt they were patronising but did so anyway. Three police officers turned up and restored my faith in the service- they were so kind and understanding and I finally felt heard. I felt every emotion under the sun as I was talking to them.

I was up late last night filling out the occupation order and non-molestation order form- I felt shattered afterwards- I had no idea how much abuse there had actually been. Seeing it written down made me feel so angry at myself- I'm an educated person but let things slide, believed his lies, felt my children need two parents to do well but I've had a part in them witnessing horrendous things- I feel like I've failed them. I've sent the form to a solicitor to check through. This will be submitted today. I will be representing myself at court as I qualify for Legal Aid but at a higher rate which means £401 per month for any legal advice I access which I can't afford atm. The solicitor who is amazing has agreed to work at a reduced rate for me. I feel so lucky to have found her.

I have no idea what tonight brings but I. Am. Fucking. Exhausted.