He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

Make sure you tell the SW everything he has put you and children through. Do not beg and plead with him it is what he wants if he tries to intimidate you or threaten you call the police first.

You are doing so so well. Just remember you survived this relationship and so you can survive navigating the ending of it. Be as open and honest with the social worker as you possibly can, especially about how he is behaving with the children and cancelling your phone (a further attempt to isolate you and take away any feeling of safety you have). Also ask them to ask the police to get you an idva and to make a referral to a domestic abuse charity for support.

Keep a diary of everything said and done from now on, it may be needed as evidence later and it’s therapeutic as your response to his cruelty. Try not to engage in petty arguments with him, that part is done. He has never been more dangerous than right now. Please bear your safety in mind at all times. Tell everyone around you what you are up against. Thinking of you.

Thank you everyone. The social worker came over yesterday to meet with me as part of the Child and Family assessment. I felt really embarrassed as they have a history of past events when he'd hurt me anf the children- once when I was carrying my little one and he pushed me against the wall and my little one bumped his head on the wall and the other time when I was coming down the stairs again carrying the little one and he pushed me from behind and I fell. He then recorded me on the floor trying to kick him out of the way so I could regain my balance, get up and see if the children were okay. I feel like such a fuck-up. I've failed my children. I can't believe what a selfish bit h I've been- I knew I needed his income to survive (I wasn't working then) and he'd convinced me I'd be destitute without him. Going through the non-molestation and occupation form was so incredibly traumatic- to list the most recent DV incident and historic incidents made me feel sick- I couldn't get rid of feeling cold and the tears were in free-flow.

The eldest DCs behaviour has been impacted by their dads return- they're now teasing the youngest, running away with their teddy and refusing to return it until I intervene, huffing and puffing and rolling their eyes at me. I need this man out. But I'm absolutely petrified of how he'll react when he receives the paperwork for the orders I've applied for. I'll have to have them delivered to his workplace I think.

Social worker is due to see DC at nursery and school today.

The only upshot of all this has been that me and DC have been on time to school- often the first ones there (I have to follow strict timings in the morning since I rely on public transport to school/nursery and my own work) and I've become super trooper organised- everything packed and ready and laid out the night before!

I'm dreading the weekend- it's the first one with all this going on and I know there'll be Disney dad in full love bombing mode with veiled messages directed at me. I'm hoping to keep to our routine. I'm also anxious about Sunday when DC attend a club in the neighbouring town that isn't in walking distance from the train station. Let's see...

You're doing so well. I am amazed that you've managed to even get the DC to school, let alone massively early.

I'm so sorry that the process is so difficult and emotional. You are dooing the right thing. I am totally shocked that he pushed you down the stairs while you were carrying your child. You could have broken your neck. This is utterly deliberate.

I hope you get your order soon. Can you stay with family this weekend?

Try and be up and out with the DC at the weekend. Go somewhere. Go from play day to play date. Go from free museum to supermarket cafe lunch to free museum, until bedtime.
Ideally arrange to sleep somewhere else if you can.

Be kind to yourself. It’s easy to underestimate the psychological impact of domestic abuse on your choices etc. The important bit to focus on is how amazing you’re doing now. Can you make as many plans as possible for this weekend?

He is the one who should hang his head in shame. You are the one with super powers, this is not your fault. We have got your back.

I've just been granted a non-molestation order but not Occupational Order- I'm chasing up what that means. Also, the NMO isn't valid until he's become aware of it. Shall I email him a copy?

I came to say exactly this. I have suffered similar at the hands of the police and made a formal complaint to the IOPC. Please do this, there are so many rotten coppers out there.

No, it needs to be served in person but you can do it anywhere where you know he will be. You have to get someone else to serve him. The court bailiff service will do it for free. This is the form. I don't know if they will do it today or over the weekend: https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5c176cd3e5274a0ba8c4ba9b/d89-eng.pdf

The court may already have sent the order to him or will arrange a bailiff. You can call the court and ask.

I hope to tackle the shitty police officers as well but only once I've got my head together with these injunctions- I'm just about functioning.

I've got a court hearing on 21/02 (ironically our marriage anniversary) and it's then that a decision for an occupation order will be made. My lawyer has advised to use a junior barrister but I can't afford that- I wonder if I can represent myself?

As it sounds like. The non - molestation order is to stop him pestering you - violence and threats are still a police matter.
The Occupation Order decides who gets to stay in the house. Remember to keep a diary of everything.

I ticked the option where he wouldn't be notified of my application so I don't think the court would have notified him.

OK, then fill in the form and ask the court to do it, or you can hire a bailiff or process server.

I wouldn’t recommend that . Have you spoken to women’s aid yet ?
Remember you can get legal aid through then where D.A is

Call the court and discuss what happens next?

A non mol is great progress. Does it restrict him from being in a set distance from you, in other words preventing him from being in the home? In terms of legal support you’ll qualify for legal aid. You can also find a mckenzie friend. I’d also recommend looking at legallynik’s insta.

He's gone. Came home, collected his belongings and pissed off somewhere.

I'm relieved but also super pissed off- if only he'd done this earlier the DC wouldn't have had to go through another disappointment. He saw them this morning and promised them he'd see them for breakfast tomorrow and now I've got another difficult conversation to look forward to. Fucking bastard. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. I wonder if him leaving will make getting an Occupation Order easier?

I do qualify for LA but at a 'higher rate' which according to the lady I spoke to means I'd have to pay £401 per month to them for any legal support. I've had THE BEST family law solicitor who did the FL401 form for me and has been advising me on next steps. I've got the hearing on the 21/02 to get out of the way and I'll then be starting the divorce process. Bloody hell.

I'm shaking again and am scared. How will I do this? I'm feeling a lot of responsibility right now- children, house, work, etc. Will it get better? Can I do this? Will my children be okay?

Let this be the kids last disappointment. I wouldn’t be angry he’s gone . That’s what you wanted after all.

It’s all just a game to him .
Id say it will make things easier. .

Pleas won’t your energy into the kids abs not thinking about him . He is gone. .

How did he find out about the order ?

You'll be way better not living in fear and treading on eggshells. This is the first step to being free of him now. You will peace and safety in your own home.

I'm glad for you that he's gone x

The eldest DCs behaviour has been quite challenging since he's found dad's back. There were lots of tears over teatime too and lots of reassurance that I'm always here but they can't hit another or me (there have been pinches, pokes and kicks directed at me). I asked directly if they feel they had to be mean to each other so that daddy would give them attention. The older one nodded and burst into tears. Fucking hell. This is something that's going to stay with them forever.