Why are there so many women over 50 who are single?

[Frazzled54]

I was thinking the other night about the amount of women in their 50’s who are single.
I know of at least 10! (including myself)
I wonder if this is because menopause has made them realise they are happier alone so they don't make the concerted effort to meet someone? Or is is because men in their 50’s prefer younger women?
Just pondering really… 🤔

Divorce or bereavement changes you.
So does age and experience.
Once you 'see' the behaviour and attitudes of many (not all) men in their 50s, you can't unsee it.
I listen to the way many men speak to their significant others in shops, bars etc and it makes me cringe.

Re the overhearing random couples. I am glad it is not just me that notices this, and it is quite a regular thing now I've taken note of it.

There have been times when I have had to zip my tongue as I have been so tempted many many times to just say 'you don't have to accept this'.

The incident that prompted me to take this much notice, I was sitting on a bench in a shopping centre and a youngish couple walked towards me. They were holding hands. I now think she had no choice in this as they walked past the shop ahead she turned to look at some shoes in the window.

He pulled her arm with such force (she clearly wasn't 'allowed' to look in the window), that I thought he might have pulled her arm right out of the socket. I really wanted to tell her that she should be able to look through any fkn window that she wanted to.

And since then I just take so much notice of these types of things. But seeing that just brought a fury over me that I cannot describe. She was so young and the chances are, that looking into a window isn't the only thing she isn't allowed to do.

It's horrible but it's hard to know if she's in an abusive relationship or she just digs the bad boys.

I notice the way my dad goes on with my mum.
And my aunty with my uncle. And my mate & her DH.

All older than me, together much longer too…
And I think “I don’t want this when I’m an old lady”

A single over-50 here!

Better to be alone than badly accompanied. Not prepared to tolerate shit. It's a very small dating pool out there, and most are pretty awful.

For all the over 50s here who are happy to be single, I have a question. I am divorced, and super happy right now, after the initial adjustment, living my life with my dc, and I definitely don't want the complication of a man at the moment. But my child is growing up and I am thinking ahead to the time they leave the nest. I get lonely the rare times they go away at the moment (I am a full time single parent), and can imagine myself being very lonely/depressed and anxious when eventually it is just me living at home, especially as I want to go out less/have less energy now that I am getting older. I cannot imagine living without someone, rattling away alone in my home and having no one to hug. I don't care about sex, but companionship is so important to me, and the only thing that would drive me to dating. How do you deal with being alone? Is it just something you get used to? I only lived alone for relatively brief periods in my life. But I cannot imagine being able to experience the joy of solitude that some of you are describing!

@BambooBambou You could always consider getting a dog? They are great company and give you a social boost, whenever you're out walking your dog loads of people talk to you who wouldn't otherwise.

Well here I think it's key to try to keep fit, strong and maintain your energy levels so that you do go out and keep going out. Keep being interested in people and activities.

It is a worry, the loneliness in older age but I think it always has been.

However, there will be many others like you and I who are keen to remain socially active and will reciprocate our efforts - I hope!

Living alone can be really isolating as well as liberating. It will be interesting to see if elderly friends start to co-habit especially since I think many woman aged 50+ are actively choosing to be single but might still want companionship. It's men who might well feel the brunt of the loneliness though as they say women are generally better at establishing and maintaining social relations.

My friends and I have talked about this type of living arrangement when we're much older . We'd have our own living space and on site would be a housekeeper , gardener and carer . On a separate note there are more places with communal living springing up , I was reading about one in London for women only . Sounds a fabulous idea to me.

I think multiple occupation homes for the over 50s is a great idea. Companionship, care, and co-living. Each woman can draw on her experience. We should have more of this.

I'm 47 and divorced, a bit isolated in the big city, so a communal living arrangement might suit me.

I don't want another relationship. Men in their 50s tend to want the same thing, a maid, a carer and a bolster cushion. I can't be arsed with that. I'm also peri, so things "down there" are changing too. What I need now is more friends! Men aren't that necessary!

Co-living is the way forward, I think. While I'm still working and until the DC are settled and happy, it makes sense to have my own place. But my friends and I have talked about shared living for years now, and I'm fairly confident that's the way forward. Whether I do it with them or find an alternative remains to be seen, but the idea of companionship on my terms is very appealing.

I do occasionally wonder about sex. Right now I'm still getting over a complicated and unhappy relationship and don't feel any need for it but I'm sure that will change and I'm more likely to want that than all the hassle and heartache that comes with a relationship.

Yes some kind of communal living would be ideal. How to make it happen/more easily available and affordable? (I can't have a dog while I am working.)

@BambooBambou I get what you’re saying I think. As I’ve posted, I have friends and do more socially now than I ever have. It has been an effort in a way because all I really wanted to do was sit down and cry. For a very long time. You can’t do that so, on I go. I still miss the man I loved and I know I won’t connect with someone else again in that way. But. If I hadn’t divorced then, I know it would have happened in my future. I just couldn’t communicate to my Ex that each time he threatened me or told me I wasn’t worthy, a little bit more of “me” and therefore “us”, was washed away. I still love the man I met/married. The man who left me crying for days on end so I could think about what I’d “done”? No! I see now that that was very wrong.

I am not so much embracing single life as I’m embracing the return of me. The kind, clever, funny, rather lovely person I was, years ago. I genuinely do like her.

Thanks @GoingOffScript. I felt like that initially - the grief of the loss of someone so close - but I'm so much happier now and also embracing the 'return of me'. But that's all with still having my DC as a big part of my life. I cannot imagine how it will be when it's just me. I find it terrifying really! Although I'm fine and quite happy being alone during the day or when I'm working from home, the thought of being home overnight, for many nights or indefinitely, seems quite horrible. But, perhaps - hopefully - it is something that you get used to. And even relish. This is really what I am hoping!

So, here’s me, on this Sunday afternoon. I was up around 8am. Waved off DS as he went to work. Breakfasted and walked the dog. Home, made a soup, wrote some of my journal which I’m fast thinking I ought to self publish; it’s an oft told tale of woman has her soul wrenched from her by the husband she adores and pays handsomely to the legal profession to secure her a divorce. Just arrived home after a light lunch with a friend who told me of her exasperation with her DH who has now had a third affair and guess what… she blames HERSELF!! 🤦‍♀️. Couple of glasses of a nice Malbec and all I have to do now is relax, make a chicken roast for my very appreciative son and contemplate going back to work tomorrow, which I thoroughly enjoy.

And I have friends who want to fix me up with my “ideal” man.

Do. Not. Bother.

@GoingOffScript there's just no more constant undercurrent of unhappiness is there. And what few dark days or moments do appear in our lives are the anomaly, not the norm. And more often than not, cleanly dealt with - like a one time thing requiring a solution. It was never like this with men. On and on and on the issues, and with each one - either one or a combo of alcohol, drugs, debt, cheating, lying, screaming, shouting, gaslighting, moods, over the top ego, physical abuse... oh my the list goes on and on.

It's almost always been men that have caused my sorrow. Not my women friends, rarely my work, never my hobbies and lovely interests.

We're single because we want a better quality of life. Happiness!

@ShouldIEvenBother I agree, in part. My second husband was a well mannered and clever man. Good career, very caring in so many ways. Unfortunately, his first wife had an affair and by the time I met him, he was a single man, not prepared to “go through it all again”. He married me, as he said, as “the love of his life” but couldn’t control his emotions and propensity for threatening to end the relationship. He was not violent, he was a good stepfather, he was my love but I couldn’t communicate with him as a married couple ought. Silence was historically his communication language and it reduced me, year in year out. I offered for him to come with me to counselling. He did not.

I’m glad you’ve found a sense if peace. It’s important and not to be underestimated.

Can I join too? I'm really good at DIY, although my cooking is a bit iffy.

I'm nearing the end (I hope) of a nasty divorce. I was a complete mess for the first 12 months or so after we split until I saw a couple where the man was being awful to his wife in Sainsbury's. She just looked so beaten down with it. Something clicked in me that on balance being without a man is, for me at least, a better life choice.

@Itisallgoingtobeok that's ok- I love cooking. We just need a gardener now 😆

I think being in a relationship takes a lot of compromise and a lot of people in general - not just women - don't want this kind of set up anymore. I find the successful couples are those who have their independence from each other.

To use someone else's example, I don't know why couples in their 50s bother shopping together when one wants to gawp at shoes and the other wants to storm through the town at lightening speed.

My parents never shop together and have been happily married for 45 years. They do their own thing a lot and I think that's quite important. Couples who want to stick together like glue and expect their other half to want all the same things as they want don't tend to work out. I think more and more people make this mistake.

Because they don't want to have a bloke move in, and despite many promises, by stealth turn into Mr 1950.

Because they have independent means.

Because they don't want to end up old and in an unhappy relationship.

Because their previous long term partner was perfect and they just don't want anyone else. No offence!

then why are there sóoooooo many women 50 , 60 + on tinder , hindge etc .... every day I meet a very large number of very lonely 50 + women who insist they are not ...

Every day?

A large number?

🤣🤣

This large number obviously aren't very keen on you then, lovey, otherwise you wouldn't be meeting large numbers EVERY day

You'd be settled and all cosy

I’m currently married but know for a fact that I’d never get into a relationship again. I’ve no desire to share a home with anyone again, in fact myself and my marriage would be happier if I didn’t have to live with DH.