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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

277 replies

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:34

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

OP posts:
Putdownthatglassgotoyoga · 26/12/2024 21:34

It's normal to feel frozen and not want to make any decisions because you don't want to believe it's happening, you hope by doing nothing that he'll change his mind and everything will go back to normal.

That's comforting but it's not practical to stay in that state for a longer period. He's actively planning to get out. He already has future plans that don't include you, and by doing nothing but waiting and hoping it's putting you and your daughter in an extremely vulnerable position.

You need to think only of yourself and your daughter's needs now, no one else's. Breaking it into practical steps may be useful. Most important thing is to contact a solicitor. Find out exactly what you are financially entitled to.

If he moves out how can you keep and pay for your home? Does he have a retirement fund/assets you are entitled to part of in order to pay him out or will you have to sell the house and split the proceeds? Ask the lawyer. It might come to that so research affordable property in your area. It might mean a one bedroom at first but any roof is better than none.

Don't beat yourself up about not having a job but you will definitely need one. No matter how much you are entitled to in regards to his assets that's finite and the key to keeping yourself and your daughter protected long term is financial independence. It doesn't matter where you start, doesn't need to be the best job in the world, but starting somewhere is better than waiting for something perfect to happen. If your mum could help with care for you daughter at first, after school care etc, that might open up your options a bit.

Good luck. This is shocking and life changing but you'll learn a lot along the way and probably look back and realise you've gained a lot too. Keep your eyes on the future and in the long run you'll be okay.

Candy24 · 26/12/2024 21:37

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:46

We have a mortgage so have equity on the house but not sure if want to move. He told me this morning so my whole life has gone wrong and all future plans ruined in the space of a day.

Im so sorry. There are no words of comfort there are no words to help. Just know that you have people praying and thinking of you today.

BlackStrayCat · 26/12/2024 21:41

Posters should be careful about telling OP to get a job. She should see a lawyer first and get their advice.

Oxforddictionary12 · 26/12/2024 21:41

Eggegggoose · 26/12/2024 16:53

Thanks everyone. I will keep an open mind about things because he says he wants to stay best friends and wants to look after me etc etc but I obviously can’t rely on him now can I?

No no no he does not qualify for your friendship in any way, shape or form.

So sorry OP, what an awful way to be treated. You must be going through hell right now. Stay strong, get informed and rally your support network. Sending you lots of strength.

johnyhadasister · 26/12/2024 21:43

BlackStrayCat · 26/12/2024 21:41

Posters should be careful about telling OP to get a job. She should see a lawyer first and get their advice.

How is she going to feed herself?

hopsalong · 26/12/2024 21:45

Do you think he actually has ADHD?

(FWIW, I do, and have taken medication since childhood.)

ADHD is not nearly such a common condition as it's now made out to be. At least, in its severe and debilitating form (the kind that needs medication; the kind that is present from childhood) it isn't that common. I have observed many friends and acquaintance get an ADHD diagnosis over the last few years and begin medication, usually lisdexamfetamine. For those who don't have ADHD, this is not especially helpful in the long run: more to the point, it produces euphoria and manic symptoms in the first few months. I'm not saying that he isn't a shit, isn't having an affair, and doesn't want (right now) to leave you. But taking amphetamines every day will alter someone's personality unless they actually, in fact, have ADHD, in which case it will make them less impulsive, less hedonistic, more relaxed and more focused.

Candy24 · 26/12/2024 21:45

Personally I would approach the support services you can. Also I would totally seek legal advice asap. Your DH is probably been deep in thought and hidden a lot. Also He might be more conniving then you think. Most husbands that have an affair pull this. Often come back and want another chance once reality comes riding in. Hugs.

Confusedmeanderings · 26/12/2024 21:46

So sorry OP. It is such a horrible thing to happen. Just keep remembering that he is not your friend, even though he might say he is.

GossipGirliexo · 26/12/2024 21:46

BlackStrayCat · 26/12/2024 21:09

No, she does not. She needs to see a lawyer.

I agree with the other poster about you.

Where did I say she doesn't need to see a lawyer?

johnyhadasister · 26/12/2024 21:49

The poster does not have savings. Apparently not being able to access his money. Where her food and bill money is going to come from when he stops sending her allowance or whatever the case was

Maybluebell · 26/12/2024 21:52

Hi OP, im so sorry you're going through this, I went something similar years ago and it's actually heart breaking.

Im curious about the ADHD medication, it may be affecting his thinking and I suppose is it worth speaking to him about switching/stopping the medication temporarily and also looking at counselling? You have a daughter and he should give everything a try before ending it

Candy24 · 26/12/2024 21:52

johnyhadasister · 26/12/2024 21:49

The poster does not have savings. Apparently not being able to access his money. Where her food and bill money is going to come from when he stops sending her allowance or whatever the case was

that is a good case for abandonment.

LostittoBostik · 26/12/2024 21:53

hopsalong · 26/12/2024 21:45

Do you think he actually has ADHD?

(FWIW, I do, and have taken medication since childhood.)

ADHD is not nearly such a common condition as it's now made out to be. At least, in its severe and debilitating form (the kind that needs medication; the kind that is present from childhood) it isn't that common. I have observed many friends and acquaintance get an ADHD diagnosis over the last few years and begin medication, usually lisdexamfetamine. For those who don't have ADHD, this is not especially helpful in the long run: more to the point, it produces euphoria and manic symptoms in the first few months. I'm not saying that he isn't a shit, isn't having an affair, and doesn't want (right now) to leave you. But taking amphetamines every day will alter someone's personality unless they actually, in fact, have ADHD, in which case it will make them less impulsive, less hedonistic, more relaxed and more focused.

I don't have ADHD and was going to post exactly the same.

What do you think about his diagnosis OP?

BlackStrayCat · 26/12/2024 21:54

STOP scaremongering. FGS. She has to go step by step.
girly whatever, you know what I am refering too. Several have said it.

OP: you are NOT going to starve. Jesus.

Janedoe82 · 26/12/2024 21:55

Adhd medication can make people very flat and sad if not the correct dose/ right one.

Candy24 · 26/12/2024 21:57

Janedoe82 · 26/12/2024 21:55

Adhd medication can make people very flat and sad if not the correct dose/ right one.

my poor daughter got phycosis with it. She was terrified for days that people were breaking in and that I would leave her. It was horrible.

johnyhadasister · 26/12/2024 21:58

BlackStrayCat · 26/12/2024 21:54

STOP scaremongering. FGS. She has to go step by step.
girly whatever, you know what I am refering too. Several have said it.

OP: you are NOT going to starve. Jesus.

No one is scaremongering her. She does not have access to money. He pays for it all

andfinallyhereweare · 26/12/2024 21:59

How shocking, will he consider working on it? If not that does point to another woman…

BlackStrayCat · 26/12/2024 22:01

It is now no fault divorce. It matters not why he wants to, but he does. OP HAS to look after herself and DD only, now.
NOT waste time trying to work out the whys. Plenty of time for that. Divorces take at least a year. At least.

notatinydancer · 26/12/2024 22:01

BlackStrayCat · 26/12/2024 21:41

Posters should be careful about telling OP to get a job. She should see a lawyer first and get their advice.

She needs to get a job and see a solicitor.

Bizarred · 26/12/2024 22:02

I would imagine that you will be entitled to half the business? You call it 'his' business, but it's yours too I would have thought.

Treeinthesky · 26/12/2024 22:02

I am now medicated for adhd and i can see the shitty behaviour of my partner i couldn't before. It helps you separate fact from emotion. It's great. Have you been lazy ? Are you emotionally draining? Reflect

BlackStrayCat · 26/12/2024 22:05

johnyhadasister · 26/12/2024 21:58

No one is scaremongering her. She does not have access to money. He pays for it all

He is married to her and she is sole carer for DD in working hours. To behave on Boxing Day and henceforth and refuse to give money for food would be abusive. ie Domestic Violence.
I very much doubt his lawyer is recommending this.

Yes, you are scaremongering her.

Treeinthesky · 26/12/2024 22:06

I took elvanse 70mg and became burnt out and flat my adhd bf who has had since childhood used to take methylphenidate but it isnt available in 12 hour he takes elvanse now but on 70mg he's awful but on 50mg he's fine. I'm on methylnate now just not concerta and I'm fine but I really dislike my bf now and want to leave him. It's helped me see him to see him as he is a narcissistic, cocaine user who doesn't care about me. And I'm important to so yeah the meds have helped me realise what's right and what I want in life but as you are aware adhd men fly of handle easily and I need to work out how to get rid safely as I have kids

Ponderingwindow · 26/12/2024 22:06

If he wants to stay friends, then he will help assemble copies of every financial document that the two of you have. It doesn’t matter whose name is on the account, it all needs to be collected. His business needs to be documented as well.

the reality is that as soon as you start doing this he is probably going to become adversarial, so try to do it without him. A good man will do it automatically though. It’s a standard part of a divorce and he should have no problem handing over those documents asap if he wants things to be amicable.

dont try to keep the house just because you think it is better for your dc not to move. Only keep the house if it is in your best interest financially. Far too many women try to keep a house they can’t afford.

as hard as this is, you have to stop thinking of him as your husband and revert back to your marriage being what it always was at its core, a business arrangement. Good business arrangements are fair and transparent, but they are unemotional. That is hard to do with a divorce, but it’s best if you can switch back and forth. Go wallow and cry, then switch that off and think about this strictly as getting your share of the assets.

if he is a business owner, don’t do this without a solicitor. Take money from the family account to pay the retainer.

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