Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

[Eggegggoose]

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

@Eggegggoose I have recently found myself in a similar situation. If you find some work you will be able to claim universal credit. You can also get help with 85% if childcare cost. I'm so sorry you are going through this too, it's awful

That's different to claiming that 'he's planned all this' based upon nothing more than him being self-employed.

You can claim UC without finding work

To try to balance out some of these quite scary posts i will offer my side.
So this happened to me 12 years ago....kids were 16...14 and 10....I had to go to court as ex wanted the house sold as soon as we split.
I spent 1k on a barrister for the day and she managed to get me the house until my youngest turned 18 ( i was paying all the mortgage and bills as soon as he moved out).
For those 8 years i saved every penny and then when i sold 3 years ago my savings and the equity from the marital home enabled me to buy my current home outright.
My current home is a terrace in a town...not the lovely village home i once had...but its mine and i dont have to work myself to death trying to cover rent or a mortgage.
It will be ok Op...im a very low earner but i can live very frugally so managed to save a good chunk.

I echo that's it will be ok. It might not feel like it right now and that's because of how new and raw you are but it will.

There is no time limit on this, no rule book; whatever decisions you make are the right decisions. How ever you feel allow yourself to feel it.

I've been well and truly shafted by my lying H and I'm trying to play the long game (despite how much I want to burn his life down)

We are here for you.

Honestly it could be the meds. Keep calmly saying you don’t want a divorce. You love him and you will always do so.
Find a way to suggest he trials no more meds or a change in meds and sees how he feels after a month.
I took Medikinet for a while. It made me feel very anxious and I couldn’t make decisions. I spoke to my doctor. Came off it. Took nothing for a week. Tried a different medication and felt much more me.
Any change in personality after taking medication like this should be discussed with his psychiatrist

Exactly, I think there needs to be a lot more consideration to giving medication to people with ADHD, especially late diagnosed. We really need to reconsider how we are giving people literally mind altering drugs with very little on going support.

I so agree with that, Feelingathomenow.

Someone with ADHD or ADD does not need medication, they need help and guidance to manage their personality. If they are intelligent they can look it all up and work it out for themselves. They must do that for their own sake and for the sake of those they are with.

Many of the drugs suggested are horrendous and they are all largely experimental because the brain, and the mind, are so complex and still largely unknown.

Anyone who has worked in a Neurology unit will tell you the same, research and drug trials are endless and often the patients are no better, are sometimes worse, as a result. The drug companies are the only ones that benefit.

I wouldn't take anything like that.

It's always interesting coming to Mumsnet and reading just the first and the last page of a very long thread. In a very short space of time we've gone from an OP whose husband has just said he wants to separate to the Court of Mumsnet delivering decisions on the character of the husband and how the divorce will be settled and as usual these posts are based on scant information and ancient precedents that will no longer apply.

The most important thing to do now is not to rush into thinking about financial settlements or the practicalities of divorce. First, the OP needs to come to terms with the separation. The rest can take many months to settle (if amicable) or even years (if not). The worst thing to do would be to rush head first into trying to resolve these issues when the news is still raw and the OP needs time to process it. The outcome to aim for - especially with children involved - is a civilised settlement where the couple can still successfully co-parent and that becomes nigh on impossible to achieve once accusations of hidden income or financial demands from one parent are made in complete ignorance of the needs of the other.

My advice is take it slow. Have a few weeks to process the information, then have an initial discussion with a solicitor (try and pay for this if you can, the free half hours tend to be marketing and you are unlikely to speak to a trained or experienced solicitor). The best advice I can give without a lot more information is that better outcomes tend to come from divorces where the lower earner accepts their new financial responsibility and does their best to be self sufficient and where the higher earner stops, listens and understands the needs of the weaker party and agrees to meet those needs on a short term basis.

As a footnote, the increase in house prices combined with increased interest rates have created an economic environment that makes the settlement of @myusernamewastakenbyme quite unlikely. Both parties need a home and at the moment that tends to be unlikely to achieve if one stays in the FMH. Divorce settlements must prioritise the children but that includes ensuring they have suitable accommodation with both parents. Whilst Mesher Orders are not completely obsolete now (and still feature quite regularly by consent between the parties) it is unlikely that a court would order one now unless they were satisfied that the non-resident had the means to buy another home.

Indeed @ShinyShona my solicitor said I was very lucky to get the Mesher order on my home and if my daughter had been any older (she was 10) then the judge would not have done it...those 8 years that i had to work and save literally saved my bacon.....my ex husband also owns a home again now aswell.
I did also benefit from selling the marital home in 2021 and the house sold for a lot more than i ever thought it would.

The fact your husband was able to own a home again would be crucial. 8 years on, with rents and interest rates much higher, it would be a lot harder to argue. Also, practically speaking, non-resident parents with the option to live with their own parents and where the resident parent is dependent on maintenance might rationally decide to stop working and force a repossession as this only stays on their credit file for 6 years. This can be attractive if the alternative is a Mesher Order for 10 years plus.

Hey everyone, thank you for all your messages. He has agreed to couples therapy but he said he doesn’t think he will change his mind. So not sure if just dragging out the inevitable??

I would go ahead because even if it doesn't change his mind, the therapist might help both of you get closure. At the moment the change for you has been abrupt but this will at least allow you to talk things through with him at a gentler pace.

If nothing else, it will help you go through it. Get individual counselling as well if you can afford it.

My partner went through a massive mental health crisis (a lot due to his untreated ADHD) and we separated briefly, got back together and then both went into counselling. It helped a lot.

I don't know where you heard this but it is not correct.

No it isn't. The OP is eligible for universal credit and child benefit, will be considered capable of working when her child is in school and may also be eligible for child maintenance. This is definitely not a good case for abandonment and pursuing it will only cost the OP money she doesn't have. I keep saying this. Mumsnet needs to stop with the one side, blinkered view when giving advice. There are two parties here and we barely know anything about either of them.

As a paralegal my advice is that the OP would be better off finding a job sooner rather than later but it's more a March or April problem than a right after Christmas problem. The reasons I would advise having a job are:

1. It will make the separation more amicable. It would be a rare ex who would willingly agree to pay someone maintenance so that they don't have to work even though they are capable of doing so. Making best efforts to be self sufficient tends to make higher earners more willing to pay some maintenance to support that period of adjustment.

2. If the matter does have to go to court, someone who has done their best to mitigate their circumstances will have more credibility in front of a judge.

3. Also if it goes to court, it is very unlikely that her ex will be ordered to pay her legal fees so she will need some money for representation.

However, as I said, there needs to be some time for the separation to sink in first.

When my relationship was ending, my partner reluctantly agreed to couples therapy but he was just going through the motions. Turns out there was another woman waiting in the wings, so it was never going to work. By all means go for it if you think it will help, just be very clear from the outset what the goal of therapy is- is it to save the relationship, or to have a better ending?

My exh said the same thing, but couldn't hang around long enough to make the appointment.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst would be my advice here. I'm so sorry x

Exactly- there’s so much out there, and ADHD etc is so individual because everyone’s lives are so individual. I found the work by Stephen Porges on the vagus nerve extremely helpful, breathing exercises etc but most of all the acceptance that the world is just set up in one way and that way is quite harmful to people with adhd. I learned all I could about ADHD and found ways to navigate the world and set my world up in an adhd friendly way. Pattern recognition is strong with people with ADHD so it’s usually fairly easy to see what you should be doing/the rules everyone else plays by. Sometimes it’s easy to mirror these often completely ridiculous rules. Sometimes the brain freezes and it’s not. Those situations just aren’t for me, that’s when I ask someone to help me.

The world needs more ND people, many of the worlds greatest thinkers have been ND. We need more acceptance not everyone can be put into a box. Diversity needs to be about the individual not boxes

I generally love having adhd. How bloody boring to think like everyone else!

I honestly think that the DH here has been massively affected by these drugs. The first thing to do is to get him to the doctors

He obviously planned this, men don't leave without a plan. No one does for that matter. So many times on here women are told to get their ducks in a row, it isn't a huge leap to imagine a man would leave with a plan. Especially on boxing day. He's self employed, which means he can fudge his earnings.

Take it from someone with years of experience as a paralegal in family law. This is a Mumsnet myth, similar to the "you can stay in the house until the children are 18" myth. Most people who decide to separate don't have a clue let alone a plan.

When I say plan:

1. FT worker redirects salary from joint account to single
2. Fudging earnings on salary if self employed
3. OH - move in with her/him
4. Having savings they can live off
5. Getting their ducks in a row
6. Seeking legal advise

The reality is women are the ones who don't have a clue when it comes to separations and what they're entitled to e.g. your comment about staying in the house until kids are 18. They think, once they've had a kid they're sorted for 18 years which isn't true. Men seem to be more wise about their options, what their entitled to and prioritise their career which explains why more women are in poverty in pension age. OP has a 5 year gap on her CV which isn't great, especially in this job climate.

And how many women come here saying they do not have access to that money, not even to 1% of it, just whatever he gives them or purchase himself

I have legal background studies but am not specialist in any UK law. All I am looking for is to see the poster helped and being prompted to start looking for a job. I was SAHM for quite few years and though all was given me and paid for me and money given me, I had 0 savings, the husband is not rich.

I restarted work and keep the exact amount of savings quiet. These things are real and women should be aware of the need to keep a part-time job on the side and keep the wage fiercely for themselves.

Why the UK law says all the pooled money is 50/50 divided yet this division does not happen in each marriage, does it. Curious - wanting to learn, not to come and argue in vanity exchanging fire lol