Husband wants to separate - totally out of the blue

[Eggegggoose]

As title says, DH wants to divorce. Been together 10 years and married for 8. We have a 5yo DD. Apart from being totally heartbroken I’m worried as I’ve stupidly been a SAHM with no job and therefore no money. What shall I do? I want to sit in bed and cry for a fortnight at the moment

I mean, is this a done deal? Surely you need more explanation and maybe some attempt at counselling? I'd say you can't just throw this on me on Boxing day. We will have to go for counselling and I'll have to understand what's going on first.

He is up to speed. He must have been considering this for ages. You aren't.

You need legal advice and you need support.

You also need to know if this is an effect of his medication.

OP needs to get a job ASAP.

If the house is sold, or she's bought out by her husband, she'll need to be in a position to get a mortgage. If she ends up renting, her savings will probably be too high to qualify for UC and they'll get used up for rent and living expenses.

@Eggegggoose If you can stay in the family home {Stability for your daughter at least} possibly you can get {nice} lodgers in to help pay mortgage.

I had to do that- {Ex didn't pay mortgage at all!} I was determined not to lose my home and sure as hell didn't want to go back to renting, which is money down the drain.

This.

I can’t tell you how many dads in my wider social circle have demanded 50/50- except for the school holidays obviously because they can’t take that much leave- and been rather put out that they do indeed need to cover it and do that delightful juggle…

If admin is your working ability, mature calm admin people are already sought after in universities and FE colleges .. you will get through this. Just cause you haven’t worked in a while doesn’t mean you can’t..

Get printed copies/save somewhere safe that he can’t access.
You’re primary carer: he couldn’t do 50/50 if he works although presumably your dd is at school.
See a solicitor, you can do a no fault divorce. Will he agree to carry on paying the mortgage so your dd isn’t disrupted? Or will he buy you out and you move?

You need a job, your child is at school so I’d start looking. I can’t imagine what a blow this is, but you need to act and not just hope he’ll change his mind.

I would do exactly what @Hollietree says. Exactly. (Just got divorced, in your position)

I acted so dumb and stupid, he relaxed his guard. Look for a job; do NOT get one. First stop: get proof of business accounts NOW. Next stop:Lawyer, next week.

Do not discuss a thing until you have seen lawyer. What he envisages child custody only.
Agree timing alone suggests OW.

You will come out of this prouder and stronger 💐

You can not trust anything he says to you now. There may not be another woman at present but if not there will be in future. Nothing is gained by letting him know your plans, you need to be polite and try to find out what he has in mind.

In order of priority you need -

copies of all financial information

to look at what financial support you might get short term www.entitledto.co.uk/organisations/benefits-calculator

to look into possible childcare options

to see a solicitor

to start job hunting.

If the house is big enough for a lodger or 2 consider that as a way of keeping your home.

You thought wrong then

People will be desperate to convince you there is another woman, but it makes no difference to you whether there is or not. Your sole focus should be on coming out of this as financially and materially protected as you can.

Your sole focus say he wants to see as much as his daughter as possible. If he gets 50/50 he will pay no maintenance to you.

You need to speak to people who can help you get a realistic look at your financial situation. And you need to get a job.

Sorry he has been such a shit.

I think you probably get called out because you are a complete arse who likes to pointlessly kick people when they are already down and on the ground. But hey, you do you.

Not a lawyer but likely that you are entitled to 50% of everything including;

1. House equity
2. Business goodwill/turnover (businesses are valued in different ways depending on the sector)
3. Savings
4. Value of any other assets

See a solicitor and the best you can afford. Borrow from family to pay the legal costs of you can
You will need to work now so start planning.
Don't waste money on counselling. It won't make any difference if he's been set on this for a while.

Not unless they can pay their own way (mortgage, bills etc) and even then it’s rare that it’s ordered. Normally it’ll be a period to give them time to get a FT job and mortgage. But if, for example, there was a £500k mortgage and Mum’s earning potential was barely above minimum wage, this wouldn’t be done either because she’s never going to be able to get that mortgage.

It is only ever really varied when you have someone with sufficient means to genuinely support 2 homes.

Agreed you need a forensic accountant asap.
He will turn up to court dressed like he slept on a park bench, you need counter evidence asap.

@Eggegggoose

A solicitor.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Apparently you did not use his bank account and did not pull some of the money into a private account. This is one of the bad news. Hopefully everything turns out well.

After you sell, I won't say No to my mum's 1 bed flat. We live 4 of us in a 2 bed flat. So

LOL okay, more women need to wise up to the fact SAHM is a trap. But again, they won't listen and these threads will continue with the same old story and outcome.

I also wouldn't waste money on counselling.

What's the point.
He's made up his mind, counselling won't make him change it once he's this far ahead.

Also, for yourself? If it was free, maybe, but it's certainly not something I'd be spaffing money on if money is tight.

Yup, these days its all about clean break really. Its not fair for the FT to pay for 2 mortgages, when they want out of the relationship. Being a SAHM is a choice, albeit a bad one but OP needs to get a full time job, build her own career whilst renting then can buy a property in her own name.

No, she does not. She needs to see a lawyer.

I agree with the other poster about you.

Another one here who believes there will be someone else, sorry OP.

Get evidence of everything that is in those accounts, photocopy pension documents. Gather evidence while he is at work.

Do not believe this. I can assure you, he won't keep to his word. My ex said this but he was in a new relationship within the month and l ended up moving between ait bnbs.

Do not leave the family home, no matter how hard it is.

You are entitled to at the very least half. The court will ensure you can both support yourselves.

Anecdotal, but my best childhood friend changed into an entirely different person once she was medicated for ADHD. Really weird.

So sorry this has happened. Stay strong for your little girl and heed the advice of pp especially in regard to legal advice and the fact that he’s now not necessarily your ‘friend’ or on your side anymore. Good luck.