Can I be forced into working full time?

[naturalbaby]

I work part time/job share but 12hr shifts on an 8 day rota.

We have 3 teenagers with hectic schedules and it's impossible for 1 parent to manage alone for more than a few days - we agreed to be amicable and flexible and have very little/no childcare support. The reason I'm part time is because of the logistics of the kids schedules, it was very difficult for their dad to manage when I worked full time. He's now saying I'll have to work full time or get a different job. I'm on UC so this makes up for my loss of earnings.
Can I be forced to change my work in the next few months for the financial agreement??
We have a joint mediation session soon and I don't want to waste time so want to make it as efficient as possible so that we can finalise the divorce asap.

My ex is saying if I work full time and custody is 50/50 then we'd have the kids for 4 days each, however he's also said he doesn't want an arrangement that works around my shifts as he works mon-fri and doesn't get enough time off/without any child related duties. At one point he said he wanted every other weekend, then 7 days on/off. I think he's clutching at straws as the reality sinks in. If I'm at work - he has the kids because of the length of time I'm out the house but then his time is dictated by my shifts and he has very little control. I've always swapped shifts where possible to accommodate his and the kids plans but he's pushing back saying he wants a holiday/week off and I just have to make it work for him. Sometimes I just can't get a shift swap and my parents will step in if I'm desperate but they have other commitments and can't just drop everything for me/him.

To be fair, I can see why he (and tbh probably the children as well), might not want a set up that changes week to week based on your shifts.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him not to want to live based around your shifts, once you are divorced. Set days/patterns for children are the norm because it's not sustainable to have the children different days every week.

Is there any possibility of moving into a fixed hours role? E.g. health visitor if you are a nurse.

I also wonder whether you should talk to whoever runs the activities your kids are doing - they might consider making an exception to their (frankly bizarre) rule about parental presence in your circumstances.

You could also consider an au pair

He doesn't get enough time off/without any child related duties

Well maybe he should have thought about that before having children. You don't get time off from being a parent. Does he see the split as him not having to worry about or deal.with their needs? Even if you didn't work shifts he would have to step up if you were ill or in an accident.

See a solicitor. You need a professional view on this.

I am a solicitor though I no longer practice in this area.

I think the OP's ex would sound a lot more reasonable than her here in court - it's not unreasonable to have a pattern for when you have your kids which doesn't change every week.

When a splitting couple can't come to a private amicable arrangement, a fixed schedule is going to be needed. I understand about shifts but employers also will have faced this before too, you'll need to speak to hr and explain that you need fixed shifts for 12 months for you to transition through this phase. If your elder 2 are 16+ though it is quite reasonable for them to be expected to be home with their sibling, you don't need childcare.

As for the clubs, you need to be honest, they may need to stop, as teens parents do stop ferrying them around at some point, public transport or no clubs.

It's tough, mine were a bit older when we split but I recognise the panic in your posts as you realise the full implication of splitting, it's not just a smaller house and less take away ... I'm 6 years on now and moved away, remarried - life will be good again for you but it will mean taking some tough decisions and the kids need to step up.

I know you are trying to avoid solicitors, but I think he's trying to shaft you.
Even if you do 50/50 all finances should be looked at and you can take part of his pension, I'm sure his will be more seeing you have been home with kid and working part time.
If he wants 50/50 then he'll just have to learn to cope. He can't say it's his 50% of time, but expect you to be available just in case. That's madness. Your 50% off time means you are not there or available as he will be there for them.
He wants to have his cake and eat it to. Stop pandering to his mad idea of how this divorce will go and take some control. He's only in it for himself, and will screw you over, see a solicitor and protect yourself too.

@MrsCarson it's interesting that this is how you read it

He can't say it's his 50% of time, but expect you to be available just in case. That's madness. Your 50% off time means you are not there or available as he will be there for them.

My impression was that it was the exact opposite - that it's the OP who wants her ex to be available all the time, to facilitate her shift pattern and it's the ex who wants clear boundaries and to be either doing everything for the kids or not.

I have read on here there is virtually no chance of legal aid for divorce these days unless there is domestic violence.

We've both offered to be flexible and amicable to work around eachother as much as possible because we still care about eachother and the kids welfare, or so I thought until he changed his tune the other day. He's since backtracked again and said he over reacted.

We have a lot more to deal with than I've mentioned in my posts. One of the kids is exhausted but just talking about dropping one of the extra curricular activities brings them to tears.
We've tried au pairs, we've been building up to this for years and tried everything.

I suspect he's only said 50/50 for childcare because it means he pays less maintenance and in the financial agreement and he thinks that's what he should do, I know he'll really struggle to cope with the reality of it.

The teenagers can decide where they live, a court order for this is unnecessary at their ages.
A good thing about divorcing is that your ex's thoughts are none of your concern. You're giving his worthless musings a lot of headspace.
You need to plan for life/housing/work as a single woman.

I think, to be frank, that these boys and your husband have got used to being able to have everything their way whilst you twist yourself into a pretzel to enable it.

Your ex needs to either have 50/50, which means doing ALL the work including ferrying them around on his time, OR pay maintenance- he cannot have it both ways where he claims he has 50/50 but you show up to do the hard bit for him.

Your children need to grow up and start fending for themselves for a few hours at a time, especially if they have refused to co-operate with an au pair. An au pair for children in their teens is a bit nuts anyway, considering they may only be a year or two older than the children they are "caring" for!

They also need to accept that their extra-curriculars are no longer viable, not least because of the wholly unreasonable stipulation that parents be present at all events. As others have said, this must be a very niche sport considering I've never heard of such a bizarre rule- my child's clubs are all drop offs and she is 4!

And you need to stop trying desperately to make something work which doesn't work now, won't work in the future and by the sounds of it, never worked in the past, and accept there will be some fall out because all four of them have been spoiled rotten.

Your ex can't dictate what you work but he can pay minimum maintenance. So I you can afford that, your wage and uc then that's your choice.

The government can decide you need to work more or they will reduce uc but that depends on your earnings.

If your husband wants 50:50 then he needs to sort his 50% and you sort yours. If your husband wants you to be more available then he needs to supplement that.

It's unreasonable of you to expect your ex to plan his life around your shifts. Once you separate you have separate lives, that's the whole point. He shouldn't have to wait for you to give your shifts to him before he can plan anything with or without the children.

My ex tried it with me and no way was I planning my weekends around his work pattern to accommodate hay worked best for him all the time. I don't mind making the odd change here and there so as not to be an arse but no way was my life revolving around my ex husband's job.

I work a set shift pattern so know exactly what I'm working week after week. Once a year we plan our annual leave and then the whole year is set so we can then swap shifts if needed and possible.

I'm giving his musings a lot of headspace because I haven't taken legal advice yet - as I said already, I was obviously naive that we could figure this out between ourselves.
I'm aware the kids get asked who they want to live with but was told by the mediator it's still up to the parents to agree on what happens, like when I told him I wanted us to separate - we discussed all options and then agreed on who would move out of the family home.

When you say you have build up to this for years and tried everything, do you mean built up to the separation for years?
Because you then say that it was you who instigated the separation (which I could have guessed) which means he has no interest in trying to make things work out. All the reasons you are separating from him still exist when you are separated and trying to work with him as a co-parent. It is naive to think otherwise.

And if your child is exhausted, you are the parent and tell them that sometimes something has to give and in this case it needs to be the sport and not their physical and mental health. There are only so many hours in a day.

In practice with teens they can make your life so difficult that although in theory it is up to the parents it's hard to make that stick if the teens don't like it.

For example, if a teen refuses to get into a car to go to the other parents then you can't really use physical force to make them. A teen who is determined not to go to the other parents can "run away" for the handover and while you can call the police the police will not consider it as high a priority as a missing child and certainly won't take him to the other parent.

Many teens in a separated parents situation also get fed up with one parent or the other and move out completely to the other parent. A court will not make them move back especially once they are mid teens or beyond.

So while you can agree a parenting/contact situation with your ex, in practice the teens will dictate what happens and it would be wise to include them,

We've spent years trying to make family life work for all of us - prioritising his career and the kids. We've made many significant changes over the course of 10 years.

I'm still in denial that I could be forced to give up a job I love, that suits me perfectly in every way, because he's self employed and can work flexibly but doesn't like my 8 day rota. I was out of work for years for his career and spent a huge amount of time and effort trying to find something that would work for me and our family and I thought I'd found it. I've made endless sacrifices for him and his mental health and my job is pretty much all I've got left. That and my family who don't live in the same area as me so can't offer any practical help.

How old are your teens?

You mentioned I think that the youngest was 13.

If you have older ones (eg 17) then they can be at home and look after or babysit the other ones while you are working.

You don't necessarily have to give up your job.

Get yourself legal advice before you do anything else. With respect, it would be madness to give up your job without having spoken to a solicitor. And I would not go into mediation without having seen a solicitor either. You cannot make informed decisions without legal advice.

She’s said she did that in the past when her dh worked away and it led to bad sibling dynamics so I understand it’s not a great idea.

op, you need to take a deep breath and adjust. It’s shit, and he’s not amicable. When he says you wont be around on his days you say no, that’s what your days means. Look at thr week and how much time you do- take yourself out of the house for what should be his contact time, say if it’s 50/50 this is your time so I’m going to go sit somewhere and investigate jobs. Back at about 10pm.

Are you getting legal advice? He will want 50/50 financial split as that’s the least worst outcome for HIM. You are likely to be able to negotiate a greater split in your favour. At the time I got divorced my DH was on £30k more than me, I’d worked part time for a bit after kids and made the case that my career had suffered so his could thrive ie he couldn’t have taken a job with so much travel if I hadn’t been there to look after our kids. I got 66% of the assets.

I work a set shift pattern so know exactly what I'm working week after week. Once a year we plan our annual leave and then the whole year is set so we can then swap shifts if needed and possible.

The thing is that what you're outlining here is what a couple does. Not divorced parents.

It is absolutely reasonable for him to want a set pattern not one that is different every week, even if it is set a long time in advance

I'm giving his musings a lot of headspace because I haven't taken legal advice yet - as I said already, I was obviously naive that we could figure this out between ourselves.

It's not naive to think you could work it out between yourselves, many divorcing couples do but in your case I think both of you have unrealistic expectations. Yours are that you expect to continue to behave as a couple and his are that he can get away with a 50:50 asset split.

TBH more generally there is an issue here that your family life sounds unsustainable even without the divorce in the mix. I just wouldn't have signed my kids up for the sort of commitment you describe

What do you mean his career was prioritised, this narrative about a man only having a career because he has a wife at home is nonsense. His career is very unlikely to have been different if you worked full time. What do you think single parents with careers do, they get child care and enable their children to be independent as possible. They also dont indulge in ridiculous extra curricular schedules that exhaust the parents and the child.

This sort of myth belongs in the dark ages.