Can I be forced into working full time?

[naturalbaby]

I work part time/job share but 12hr shifts on an 8 day rota.

We have 3 teenagers with hectic schedules and it's impossible for 1 parent to manage alone for more than a few days - we agreed to be amicable and flexible and have very little/no childcare support. The reason I'm part time is because of the logistics of the kids schedules, it was very difficult for their dad to manage when I worked full time. He's now saying I'll have to work full time or get a different job. I'm on UC so this makes up for my loss of earnings.
Can I be forced to change my work in the next few months for the financial agreement??
We have a joint mediation session soon and I don't want to waste time so want to make it as efficient as possible so that we can finalise the divorce asap.

Your 13 yo really can be left for the day ( overnight I’d be less willing to!)

Your older kids dont have to 'parent' your younger one, you're creating a lot of obstacles to what is essentially normal family life in most homes.

Yes but he just goes to his dad’s for the night.

He can't just go to his dad's for the night.
We're trying to come up with a childcare arrangement that's fair and also accommodates my shift pattern which is not based on a 7 day week and is an equal split of day and night shifts.

I know my kids don't have to parent eachother, they aren't expected to - the eldest took on that role when their dad was working abroad a few years ago and it got out of hand, and created a lot of conflict in the house between the 3 kids.

We're not a 'normal' family in any way, and that's partly why I posted - I have no idea how anyone else navigates shift work and divorce. We don't have many close friends in the area and most/almost all of our friends are married so I don't have anyone else to figure this out with.

I have read your posts and see a lot about what he wants and how you're accommodating him and very little about what your want. It seems he wants a 50:50 split because that seems "fair" to him and you might agree because you're a lovely person. But you don't know if he's manipulating you.

It also seems that your arrangements worked before when he was in the house but now it isn't.

I know you want to be amicable but I think your approach is putting you at a disadvantage. I note that you have moved for him and don't have as good a pension.

I think you probably need some professional legal advice and I would advise that you see a solicitor. Plenty do a free half hour session. Even if you pay for a couple of hours this could help you out immensely financially in the future.

Please look after your own interests for a bit xx

How do you manage your "schedule" that the moment?

You've said you have 3 kids who do 4 activities on one evening that need supervision with a parent on site - How are you doing that currently with the 2 of you?

I would suggest that when a couple divorces neither party ends up with everything they had as a couple. There are bound to be losses, whether it's one having to leave the family home or one not having so much money etc. If you look at it that way, your children can't be ferried around to activities, with you in attendance, while you continue to have everything else exactly the same. Something has to give.

I don’t really understand how you think you’re going to manage this. If your work doesn’t allow you to have the kids 50:50 then you’ll either have to have them less or reduce your hours. If you reduce your hours how will you afford to live? I get that this seems to be your question but you’re not going to be awarded more equity due to this dilemma. You’ll be awarded a fair split, possibly 50:50 and how you make the childcare work is up to you.
You will be expected to have the kids on your set days and it’s your responsibility to sort childcare on those days. That’s how it works.

So if shift work no longer is at times you need to look after your children you have to change jobs. That's what other people do. That's why so many single mums work in schools as TAs or in Supermarkets - the shifts suit and are fairly flexible to pick up children and cover that childcare window. They dont do those jobs because they want to they do them because they have to.

Your teenagers don't need 'childcare', and surely 50:50 or whatever is irrelevant since they can choose where they live at their ages? You don't need to create problems where there aren't any.

this!

No you can't be forced. But if you can't make ends meet with your current set up with maintenance uc and earnings then you may have no choice. A split up is nearly always difficult financially.

I've obviously had my head in the sand, convinced we'd be ok because of conversations and agreements we'd made months ago about how to make the divorce work best for the kids.

He keeps making a point about the fact that I'm unavailable on his days - which are 2 or 3 out of 7 on average at the moment. He can't figure out how to cope alone with a 50:50 split but seems adamant that's what he wants. I have no idea how he's going to cope with whatever childcare plan we eventually agree on but I do know he runs himself ragged bending over backwards to accommodate the kids and I've been nagging/begging him to only take on what he can cope with for years.
The finances are a whole other issue. I've had to literally start all over several times over the last 15yrs because of his career and the last time (3yrs ago) I really hoped was the last big change and yet here I am about to go through it all over again. I'm having a pity party for a few more weeks and slowly pulling myself together.

Thankyou for the tough love, I posted because I know I needed it. I've avoided solicitors and paying for advice in the naive hope we could figure it out together and divorce as cheaply as possible but it's clearly not going to work.

I agree and would urge you to seek at least a basic minimum of legal advice so you're not trying to negotiate a difficult situation in the dark. There is loads of resource online too, you really can't just cross your fingers and hope for the best with this unfortunately. You need to be able to make informed decisions, because that is what will enable you to make the divorce work best for the kids.

You need to just split the childcare and run with that split. If he's wanting 50/50 decide how that will look - alternate weeks at each parent/4 nights one week, 3 the next etc

Then you run with it and it's up to each of you to parent. If he can't get them to hobbies then he has to explain, same with you. As teens, they'll only tolerate dad being shit for soo long before they vote with their feet.

You seem to be living in a half separated world - he's invested in what you're doing when not parenting and you're blurring finances to accommodate hobbies etc. this all needs to stop if you're separated because this will only confuse the children even more.

Get your agreement sorted and run with it and stop blurring the lines.

And yes,13yo can be left for the day, or should be able to be left.

I thought I'd done enough research but the things he's said recently have been really confusing, mainly because he's backtracking.
And for various reasons I will not leave my kids without an adult for 13 hrs while I'm at work. They're just not independent/responsible enough. I do an even split of day/nights - do people leave 13yr old kids overnight?

You can apply for legal aid.

My friends who’ve divorced have not had to change their hours, they kept their part time hours and this gives them some flexibility in the future should they want to return full time.

The fathers have not stuck to the 50:50 split in childcare, some of them have not kept their minimum contribution either -

Keep your hours, there’s no reason to change when you can make your life easier whilst you navigate the divorce moving and even job hunting.

If he earns a decent salary he will have to contribute more, increasing your salary won’t change that .

No, I wouldn't leave overnight at 13 but that really will require a new job because you need to facilitate parenting in your time without relying on him, just as he shouldn't be relying on you in his time. Obviously there are separations where parenting can be more combined but it's not working for you so you need to make changes asap.

I strongly suggest you forget about mediation and get yourself a lawyer. I too started with mediation only because my ex was too cheep, but it was not until I hired a lawyer that I started to understand my rights and responsibilities. I know that they can be expensive and I am very much lower middle class so no extra money laying around, but my lawyer was kind enough to offer her assistant to work with me, majority of time, whose hourly rate was almost half of the lawyers, and this helped a lot.

No I wouldn't leave a 13 year old over night.

We recently had some twats donkey kick our front door in the middle of the night - TikTok challenge apparently and it was terrifying, came out of nowhere and sounded like someone was trying to break in. DD is mature enough to stay home alone but that's well and truly put me off leaving her alone.

If you work shift work you'll need to give up your job / change hours or get a 'baby'sitter.

Your children are old enough to have a say in where they sleep and many teens prefer a base rather than trekking from one house to another. If you go to court they may well say the want to live with X and visit Y.

Universal credit should not be used by single parents it's to be saved for all the illegal immigrants and layabouts! OP you should be doing all the looking after of your children and working full time and your ex should get to earn shed loads of cash and build his career whilst you struggle! Tut tut

I wouldn’t leave 13 yo overnight
day yes

your ex won’t be expected to contribute more £ to keep you part time despite what some are stating

I wouldn't leave my 13yo for more than 6hrs. My 15yo is neurodivergent & I wouldn't leave her overnight or evening in general

Your posts are so confusing to be honest

Why would a 13 year old be left alone for 13 hours? Surely on your 3 days of work/ nights then thats when they go to their dads If he wants a 50/50 custody split