I can’t afford a divorce

[santawashisnameo]

I really can’t afford to get divorced, I can’t afford the solicitors fees or to live alone or anything really. I am guessing I am stuck. Is anyone else in this situation?

You have a 3 year old, they will be in school soon enough which will reduce childcare fees, could you then start putting some of that away?

You cant go full time now but could you look at asking your boss or looking out for full time roles?

I think its more looking ahead and seeing a way out in future that might help.

I think also getting signed off work in the short term, so take the sick time to get the doctors appointment to get signed off.

Depending on where you are (I know you dont want to say) you can find rentals with zero deposit but you have to look for them.

I think the options are currently to either say something and plan together which you dont want, or make future plans and move slower. Even making small progress might help you mentally feel better.

Things like childcare arent forever and that will free up funds, pay can increase, your hours may be able to increase or you may find a new job, but if you can start moving towards any of those things it may help you feel this is possible in the future.

@santawashisnameo id also like to point out that I knew my marriage was probably over 7 years ago, but it took that long and some therapy to even be able to say the words "I want our marriage to end"
There is no quick fix.
And I am hoping when you say you wouldn't get a council house it is because you don't feel you would be eligible and not because your think you are "above them" as I don't think that would be a particular nice comment.

I don’t see anything like that. I think people are trying to help you, you sound burnt out.

Have you an Employee Assistance Program at work? You can get free financial, and legal advice from them. Free counselling also and it is totally confidential.

if you don’t have it, does your husbands company have it, you can use that too. It’s totally confidential, there will be no information given to your employers and it will help you work through some of these feelings.

Everyone needs hope.

(and sleep)

What do you think I meant?

In the context of a thread where I earn too much for UC and any additional help but cannot afford to see a solicitor or to rent privately and my credit rating is frankly shite, what do you really think I meant?

@santawashisnameo Some hopefully
helpful solutions…Book a half day off work to be around when you need to book the GP appointment and then go and speak about your feelings. Stop doing your partner/husband’s washing and anything he can do himself. You are not a slave and by continuing this, you are making your situation worse. Look after yourself and the kids alone. At the weekend or whenever he’s off work, announce that he needs to look after the kids whilst you go and do whatever the hell you like for yourself (no asking, he’s their father so you politely tell him).

Start to work on your savings and cut back every penny you can on non-essentials or anything you’re overpaying so that you will eventually have money for a deposit etc. Try to start addressing your credit score issues to improve your situation. If you can’t go back to work full time, can you get a few extra hours doing a second job and then keep that money for your savings? Speak to the council about going on their waiting list for rehousing. Ask for a few hours off work to visit CAB and a 30 min free solicitor for proper advice on your situation. Visit a credit union and ask if they’d be prepared to offer your a loan for a deposit as their rules are far less strict than banks. Even if you can’t get UC towards rent or living costs, you may get help towards childcare or be able to use childcare vouchers. Once you’re able to leave, their dad will also need to pay maintenance.

Even if you can’t leave yet, put things in motion to better your situation so that you are able to leave in future. Your situation may improve and you might not want to leave but keep that independence and financial security so you’re never in this position again. It’s one of the most important things that everyone should do, whether male or female.

Look, can we just wrap this up? DH doesn’t care if I do his washing or not, he barely has any, it’s me and the children who have food, debris, snot, drool, poo on them. I can’t book a half day off work as I have fixed holidays and I have no savings and at the moment no way of getting any.

Maybe just try to get some sleep so as that will help. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I think council houses are available to more people than you think and as you said your alternative was sleeping in a car then you may possibly find you would be eligible in your area.

I was asking for clarity from a genuine point of concern and there was no need for your harsh response.
You don't know what others are carrying on their shoulders either OP so I think it is important you heed your own advice of being respectful.
I wish you luck but I don't deserve the comment you made so will be leaving this discussion.

In the nicest possible way, I don’t know why you posted as you discount anything anyone says. You refuse to ask your husband to look after the kids whilst you even visit CAB or a free solicitor. You are not an expert in this and there may be help available but choose not to bother. If your marriage has been unhappy for some time, perhaps the focus should have been on maintaining your independence and not getting into debt. In the nicest possible way, what can anyone possible say to help on your post?

You don’t know why I posted - to talk to others, for sympathy, for support, for companionship, for understanding? Are all those things honestly beyond your comprehension; you think that only ‘do this / OK then’ are acceptable answers? They aren’t.

I am absolutely not eligible for a council house, even people who ARE eligible for a council house don’t get one half the time!

OP said there's no abuse. On what grounds would she get access to a refuge?

I think she's gone to bed now. I don't think she came for advice per se, more just to offload.

What's sad is that she's in a common pickle. With women as default parents, men often with expectations of no real changes to their lives after kids, and the cost of living crisis, lots of women feel trapped in unhappy domestic set ups. Even without abuse, and earning a decent income, it can be miserable.

I'm sure OP will work things out over time, hopefully she's got someone to talk to in RL or at least a professional because she sounds really at the end of her tether.

@santawashisnameo Sorry, but you're just rude.

I am being rude because you’ve been bloody rude. You have repeatedly accused me of wanting to pursue a particular lifestyle and refused to accept my answers to you pointing out the opposite. Then you come back with ‘Sorry, but’ when you’re not sorry at all

It is rude not to accept what someone says. It is rude to argue with them and insist you know best, it is rude to say that because you went from part time to full time everyone can therefore do so. All of that is rude and when you have politely been asked to wind your neck in, a rude response is acceptable.

Hi Op,
At the moment - you can’t afford to divorce and honestly it sounds as though you are both depressed, over-worked and exhausted.
Right now, as a priority, you need to see a doctor to get some short term help with what sounds like depression. You need to ring at a certain time and you can’t so just try and fix that one problem. How can you make that call and get that appointment. I promise you things will start to feel better once you get some medication if that’s what is needed. And slowly - things won’t seem so hopeless any more.
With your husband - it sounds like he gets very defensive - so maybe ask his advice instead. Tell him that you are feeling over whelmed and possibly depressed. That you’re going to speak to the doctor but in the meantime - is there any thing he can suggest you both do differently to help how you’re feeling.
Finally, long term things can get better - you will be able to be full time at some point, possibly sooner than you think…allowing you to save and make plan.
But for tonight - know that a lot of us a thinking of you and a lot of us have felt the way you do now and things can and hopefully will get better.
i hope tomorrow is better for you

Oh there is no talking to DH - I am totally resigned to that fact. Asking advice would be a good shout except that it would just be an hours lecture about my wrongs. I’m just not in a place to hear that now!

@santawashisnameo You've not just been rude to me, OP. I hope you get the help you need.

Ok - I understand. He sounds like one of those you can’t reason with and I feel for you being stuck in that situation.
The doctors appointment is really important though… i can almost feel your despair through your posts.
Sending solidarity and hoping you get an easier day tomorrow

I do need to get an appointment. I’m not sure how but I’ll have to have a think.

Upset, anxiety, depression etc never allows us to see the situation for what it really is. When in those frames of minds we are thinking 5 steps ahead, creating worse case situations and outcomes and convincing ourselves that is the ONLY way it will plan out.

You will be able to afford a divorce. It will mean that your life won't look as it is now, you may end up tweaking work or where you live. You might have to co exist int he current house with your husband whilst you figure it out. But you can't afford it.

But you don't need to be thinking of this now. You've just realised and said out loud you want a divorce. That is a huge step. Let that sink in. Think about that. Don't be thinking about rent and all these things that may not even be relevant to you. Take one step at a time.

I'm speaking as a divorced single mum. I literally had absolutely nothing. I had no money, no savings, no investments. I still have no savings. I never ever thought it'd work out for me. But I'm still knocking about.

Whatever happens op, just remember, one step at a time.

I really can’t afford a divorce @autumngirl714 snd we can argue this all night long.

I may be depressed, but I’m not stupid!

I can be rude too when I’m overwhelmed and it’s really clear to me that what the Op seemed to want was a safe place to rant at what seems to be a hopeless situation. It’s very difficult to see hope on the horizon when you’re utterly depressed.

I agree.

OP, Sometimes it's better to email the practice and explain the stress you're under and would like to be contacted with the first available advance GP appointment, than hanging on the phone at 8am only to be told they've all gone.

If you have the NHS app you may be able to book appointments through that, I can, depends on the practice I think.

Hope you get some sleep and that getting things off your chest has been helpful

Yeah. Don't.

Thank you and thank you @ScorpioRising83 for understanding. Sometimes all you need is to not feel totally alone.

Hang in there OP. It won't always be as bad as this. Try to get that GP appointment over anything else please. And also please come back here - you will get a lot of good advice and support xx