I can’t afford a divorce

[santawashisnameo]

I really can’t afford to get divorced, I can’t afford the solicitors fees or to live alone or anything really. I am guessing I am stuck. Is anyone else in this situation?

I earn more than £2000 a month. I do know that I’m not entitled to UC which is obviously fair enough.

OP don’t jump at me for this but are you able to move in with family just temporarily? Parents?

I wouldn’t jump at you for that if that’s how I’ve come across I’m really really sorry, I’m upset not angry!

But no sadly. I don’t have any family at all.

You may have double checked but honestly you might be surprised about entitlement to universal credit, they take childcare costs and housing costs into account. I was surprised that I would have been had it not been for savings.
And I believe the value of your house can be disregarded for a period of time whilst it sells.
what have you got to lose by going to have a chat with Citizens Advice Bureau?

Sorry you’re feeling like it’s hopeless 😞
it wouldn’t be easy but it’s always possible.

I’m sorry you’re struggling but to break it down and make it as clear as possible, you can afford it if you want to.

You said you earn less than £2000 a month. With that salary, 2 children, private rent and being the only adult in your new home you are entitled to UC. A quick estimate calculation of around £250 a week, so there’s £1000 a month. Not including childcare which UC can also pay up to 85% of.

You’d also be entitled to child maintenance unless 50/50, so there’s some extra, if you know his salary you can pop into the CMS calculator to see how much you’d be expecting to receive there.

The house won’t sell overnight no, but it will sell, or he can buy you out. That money is then your pot to either buy or rent somewhere. If you were moving out with 2 children you could also apply to your local council.

You haven’t said why you want to leave and you absolutely don’t have to share that information here but if you are being abused then you can reach out to Womens Aid who can support you in the process of leaving.

Nothing is insurmountable OP.

What do you think anyone else does?

With all due respect OP, I'm not quite sure why you posted. There are lots of different solutions to your problem. Including moving to a cheaper area where you won't be paying £2000 per month in rent. Or, you know, just carry on as you are and be miserable. It's upto you really.

I posted because I was / am upset, distressed, confused and overwhelmed. I’m obviously not expecting any magic solutions here or even any solutions at all. Sometimes just a chat is fine.

I understand what you are saying OP.
There are some fantastic people here who have been in your position, and can give advise, you have time to 'get your ducks in a row' before you act.

Be open to what people have to say, I know it feels bad right now, but you may be surprised what options there are for you.

Could your husband afford rent if he moved out?
I thought I couldn't afford it either but we've been separated for a year and are starting the divorce process now - it's very overwhelming and it took us months to agree on the first step but after years of trying to fix our marriage issues there was no other option.

Do you want to talk a bit about your relationship and your husband?

Does he have anyone he could stay with if you were to split (until the house sells)?

There are options though OP, there are solutions, you just have to decide you’re ready to choose one. Very few people have a pot of money ready prior to divorce to buy or rent a new house but there absolutely are ways of doing it, if that is what you want to do

He could possibly go to his mums @cocoloco23 but I don’t know how practical that would be with the children.

To be honest I don’t think for a moment I was ‘really’ asking advice on separating which obviously and understandably some have thought I was. It’s more a realisation I’m completely trapped in a shit marriage with a lazy husband!

Ok, so you can afford to divorce, but the “cost” of affording it might be that you have to accept unpleasantness/more change/more sacrifice (for your children and for you) than seems possible right now.

I speak from the other end of the process - if you are miserable in your marriage being divorced is worth an awful lot more pain than you currently think.

Split short term issues from long term issues

• short term is stuff like living together while the house sells which may be unpleasant but temporary; telling everyone which is upsetting and tiring but a once only event
• Long term is finances - what will your income be, how will childcare work, and therefore where and how can you live. This may require more creative solutions - can you move to a different area? Can you change jobs etc?

Why are you saying I can afford to divorce? I really can’t, I promise. I am in debt, I have £1.74 in my bank account and I don’t get paid until the 19th!

You sound like you're in the very early stages of this and very 'all over the place' that's really not meant as a dig. It's a tough realisation when you know it's over.

Have you spoken to H about this atall, does he have any idea.

What's his earning like?

Some people keep the kids in the house and rent a small place for the parents to swap so the children are not uprooted. That might work as a temp solution until you both get some clarity on what you want to do.

I’m not taking it as a dig @BeerForMyHorses , it’s true. I just am tired and fed up of nothing changing and everything being my fault. So tired. Knowing you’re stuck with it is rubbish.

You don't need a solicitor for a divorce these days AFAIK.

Just came on to say I hear you. I couldn’t support myself and my children either. Not anywhere near the standard of living they deserve.
Yes I could scrape by in a 1 bed flat with me sleeping on the sofa, no holidays, no clubs, no luxuries. But what kind of life is that for them?
I earn just enough to not qualify for UC but not enough to support myself and them to any standard with the cost of living as it is. It’s crap and suffocating sometimes to feel this trapped

Same. I am glad it isn’t just me. I don’t know how anybody does to be honest!

Just to say that I hear you, @santawashisnameo

Thank you

Please contact Citizens Advice. They can discuss your options. They can talk about the divorce process, what benefits you might get and how to manage your debts.
There's also a lot of useful guides to divorce on

@oviraptor21 i know citizens advice do lots of good work but even getting to see them isn’t possible or practical at the moment. I am literally never alone. And I don’t think that they can tell me anything I don’t already know - that I just can’t afford it!

i was just about to post OP -

are you here for a rant, a handhold or some practical advice.

any or all of those in any order are absolutely fine

but I think you’ve answered the question.sounds like you are just trying to untangle your thoughts. And that’s OK too.

if you wanted some advice on coping whilst you work out how to get your ducks in a row and get out (let’s face it, you’ll feel better if you can make some kind of a plan, however vague or long term it is) ppl can help.

if you want to start afresh with getting advice - you could name change and head over to relationships board.

we hear you. It’s rough and it’s a shit time of year.

I genuinely can’t see a solution. It isn’t unbearable; he isn’t abusive or nasty or anything but neither of us are happy. We can’t talk. I hate sex and desperately try to get out of it which must make him unhappy.

But nearly all (not all) of our disagreements are about finances. We are under a lot of pressure and a divorce wouldn’t exactly help this!