I can’t afford a divorce

[santawashisnameo]

I really can’t afford to get divorced, I can’t afford the solicitors fees or to live alone or anything really. I am guessing I am stuck. Is anyone else in this situation?

@howshouldibehave there's 2 weeks of holidays though so she should still have a chance of getting an appointment and being able to go alone, which would make it easier for the OP. Her situation won't have changed and aiming for that is something realistic that she can aim for in the short term, a perfectly reasonable idea.

Ah right, I thought the you didn’t have any time alone, so breaking up for holidays would make no difference as you’d still have a toddler and a preschooler with you at a doctors appointment like you do on your days off from work now?

Yes - wasn’t aimed at you specifically. The way some people are responding though, while reasonable in normal circumstances, are not helpful for someone at obvious breaking point. There are some responding without empathy for OPs state of mind.

I'd say it means the OP works in a school, or something similar, that breaks up for a period over Christmas. She can go to the doctor then when the children are at childcare as usual.

Ah, I see-I didn’t think of childcare carrying on during the school holidays (mine didn’t 😂). If that’s the case, then that’s great and will give OP a good few days over Christmas to get the GP and hopefully CAB.

@AmyFarahFowlerIsMyHero if you’re frustrated, leave it. No one is forcing you to post.

I think the doctor is a good starting point and will hopefully be able to sort that in a couple of weeks. But I will say when you’re feeling very low bossy ‘well I did this’ are the worst things to read. And it doesn’t take much imagination to know this.

Hi @santawashisnameo I don't know if you are still reading.
I was in a similar situation and my advice to you is to start planning to leave now. I started applying for full time jobs when my youngest started full time school, yes that's a couple of years away for you but its still something to work towards.
You start doing what you can now to get in a good position for that to happen.
You also start saving what you can now.
Its the long game. My marriage was pretty unbearable and I also know I couldn't have stayed in the house together post separation.

I needed to use a credit card for some of my setting up costs which was money well spent. Yes I was in debt but I then had two children in full time education and 50% of the week they were with their dad meaning I could really focus on work
Promotions came and that debt is long forgotten.

I guess my point is, ok you can't leave him now, but you can start working towards a time when you can.

Edited to add, I see you are thinking about whether you actually do want to divorce or not. My advice still remains to aim to get yourself to a point of feeling more financially independent. It will be beneficial either way, even if just to make you feel less trapped.
Also you are in the trenches now children wise, these are hard years. In a few years more time for yourself will appear, that can be for work or rest.

I will leave it now. You’re right that no one was forcing me to post and obviously there is no benefit to me in posting. I was trying to help and I wish you all the best.
You don’t know the circumstances of any of the posters who have been offering suggestions. I won’t bore you with my own situation but don’t presume you are the only one having a difficult time.

Yes please do leave it. As I said earlier, it really isn’t an airport and the announcement of a departure isn’t needed or wanted, especially when it’s ’I am leaving AND I wanted to say how HURT I am and how I TRIED to help …’ it helps no one. Just leave But you will be back!

Thanks @MichaelAndEagle . I’m not making any hasty decisions, even if I could I don’t think it would be wise just now.

@santawashisnameo you really have come across as terribly rude and ungrateful. No one has insisted you do anything but you have been totally against even considering what you can do in future. Everything is ‘I can’t.’ What could anyone possibly have said to have helped when you feel this way? I don’t know what age you are but visit the GP when you can and speak about possible peri-menopause alongside your mental health as you’ve said you’ve never felt like this before. Also, consider whether things are as bad as they seem at home. You say your husband would list your ‘faults’ if you were to mention anything, but would he actually just be doing what posters here have done and trying to help you? You can’t help someone that won’t help themselves. Yes you can’t manage anything huge right now but you need to change your outlook to ‘I can’ and even if it’s just baby steps. Nothing will change in terms of plans, action or even mindset, until you actively make the effort.

Good luck!

I’d suggest everyone leaves.

op is rude and ungrateful and thinks she’s worse off than everyone else who’s been through a divorce.

leave her to it.

Ah but not nasty though. Op hasn’t been nasty yet here you are with an incredibly nasty post.
It’s not hard to just say “I hear you, I feel your despair.” She’s not in a position to have a positive outlook or to think long term because she’s in that anxious state we’ve all been in when you can’t see past the end of your own nose. And I know that when I’ve been in that state what I need is someone to acknowledge how im feeling to give me hope that things will get better and to focus on how I can get through that day and the next day.
I don’t want to leave her to it. I want to make her feel better about today so that maybe in the future she can read back some of the well intentioned advice and act on it when she’s ready.

I think some of us (myself included) are frustrated when the OP is convinced she can't leave when we have done exactly that...and on a heck of a lot less than over £2000 pm working pt. That's a figure many of us can only ever dream of earning.
We've done it by huge personal sacrifice - I literally went without eating and heating over the days I didn't have my little ones - and I know with absolute certainty there have been others in a far worse position than me.

Some real talk op and you won't want to hear it because you're angry and upset and frustrated by your situation and you may be struggling with your mental health and I hope you do something about that but you've posted here because you're clearly desperately unhappy while at the same time being determined to do nothing about it and don't want to hear from multiple people explaining that you do have opinions.

You are earning more than most people here and you only work part time. So you're really lucky. It sounds like you own your home so you have assets. Your husband isn't abusive so you aren't in danger if you announce you want to leave. I'm not going to give you advice because you have made it clear you don't want it. But right now you have tried nothing and are all out of ideas. You could fix it if you'd put your big girl pants on but you don't want to because it's far easier to be a victim

OP has acknowledged she's actually quite depressed and is aiming to seek help for this, depression can change your mindset and make you feel hopeless, just because YOU managed to leave, doesn't mean everyone can just do it, or even that she should right now while her mental health is poor. OP has come across rude but some people are lacking in understanding.

So you understand she's very upset, struggling with mental health and not sure if she wants to leave at all... but still you think it's fit to tell her everyone would be ok if she just 'put her big girl pants on', what a lovely person you are. Of course people with potential mental health issues should just man up and deal with it, like it's that simple.

People with mental health issues are responsible for getting themselves help which op has already decided is a non starter. She’s been rude towards and argued with everyone who has tried in good faith to help her. What exactly is the appropriate response here?

I struggle with my mental health for years. I wanted to get better so took medication and got talking therapy on the NHS. I did that while raising a child on my own on a lower full time wage than op earns part time. Op is miserable. She hates her marriage and wants a divorce. As harsh as it sounds, op genuinely is the only person who can fix this, so yes that DOES require her to put her big girl pants on and use the things she’s lucky enough to have at her advantage which many people would kill for.

@Anothernamechane she said she's going to get an appointment in a few weeks once she can go without the kids, and also that she will take a posters advice of writing it down to show the GP, why are you ignoring that? The appropriate response is to not reply when you are doing it just to kick someone while they are down, and ignoring their response about seeking help.

I think being rude to people who are trying to help and reassure you is pretty nasty.

Just stop.
This isn’t helpful.
She isn’t lucky.
In some parts of the country you can live on £2000 a month. In other you can’t. Please respect that right now the OP can’t. She knows her circumstances better than you do. And lend her some thoughtful words about how to get through the next few weeks.

That's just rude. Everyone is reading your replies. You are batting back every suggestion. Everyone knows it is hard to leave. To make the decision after realisation sets in. The conversation, the worry of what he will say and do. The concern for the children. Working out housing and finances.

It is a put up and shut up situation or take the first step.

No one will give you a gold star for staying in a bad relationship and it is not fair on your children to do so, from either of you.

But understandable under the circumstances.

@Tangfastic71 op says she's on more than 2k a month part time. She refuses to say exactly how much she earns. So yes that's lucky because her part time wage is higher than the average uk wage. She won't say if they own their home but if they do it means she has an asset which many people in her position don't.

She's also in a position where she can leave safely if she needs to or have a discussion with her husband about him leaving. Believe it or not I'm not trying to make op feel worse but to show her she does in fact have options that many people don't and that her current approach to a situation that's making her miserable won't improve things and will result in a misery cycle.

If I sound harsh, it's because people here have tried a softly softly approach and frankly it's been thrown back at them. We can't fix this. Op clearly is a bright capable woman to have such a good job so this is something she is more than capable of changing if she reverses her current mindset

OP you've really taken a beating here, I'm sorry.

I can tell you that in my circle of friends I know at least three couples who can't afford to separate and are either living together but separate (if that makes sense) or just putting up with a situation they despise; until they can save up enough to leave/split.

I thought this was quite common these days with the cost of living crisis and rents and that people would be more understanding.

I really wish you all the best.

I echo this response. OP, I hope you get some help for depression and things get easier for you and your marriage. All the best to you in a difficult time.