I can’t afford a divorce

[santawashisnameo]

I really can’t afford to get divorced, I can’t afford the solicitors fees or to live alone or anything really. I am guessing I am stuck. Is anyone else in this situation?

I know you say you're not looking for solutions and I understand how upset you are and how hard it is for you and you feel there is no way out. But I was you. I have one child under 18 and take home £1900 a month. I claim UC and I get maintenance and CB. I rent because my husband did (and still does) refuse to sell our home and there's nothing I can do about it. My point is, you absolutely can do it. You need to look at it with a clear head and get some proper advice from The Citizen's advice. You can't live forever in misery and you can do it. If I can financially do it then you can. It's tough but the peace and happiness I have is worth being a bit skint sometimes. Please, please listen to the advice given to you on here and do it. Don't spend your life miserable. Good luck to you. I wish you all the best and think of the lovely life you are going to make for yourself x

The answer to the problem is

1 - have more money. Save up, earn more.
2 - have a very resilient mindset and accept it will be hard for a while. See a doctor about your depression and possibly a some CBT around your thought processes.
3 - accept that SOME things will be worse (probably finances) but if you're in a bad marriage than MORE things will be a lot better when you're alone. And that will give you the strength and headspace to cope with the rest.

You can leave if you want to. It might take some planning and patience, but it can happen. You're going to live a long time yet... play the long game. Don't give up.

I hope you are OK OP. How about making an app to see your GP to talk about how you are feeling? Or calling Samaritans to get some emotional support?

I'm sorry that your DH is not being supportive. Do you have any friends or family that you can contact for any sort of support? A chat? Or some practical help?

I didn't say she was poor. But childcare fees are not cheap. Nor is private rent. Nor is solicitor fees to force the sale of her house as some people are suggesting. She needs enough money to do ALL of that or there is no point in doing any of it. She wants a bit of sympathy and support. Not people telling her that she is choosing to be miserable because she can't be bothered working full-time.

What exactly would you like from this thread OP? You sound desperately distressed and frustrated, I think people have acknowledged that. Helpful suggestions about practical steps do not make sense from where you are, okay, that’s not helpful. Women here are wishing you strength, health, and the better life you want, in that sense a hand-hold, and hoping it can help you in some way.

I really wish I hadn’t posted this thread as it has got me quite upset and worked up at a time when I just need to switch off and sleep.

@comfyslippets i can’t rent. There is nothing available, I wouldn’t pass the credit checks and I wouldn’t be able to afford the first months rent and deposit. I think people will either accept that or they won’t.

@Renamed ive answered that at least twice and I think three times.

Absolutely no one has answered how you move out when you’ve nowhere to go and when you can’t afford it, and that is because there is not an answer to that problem.

Well no! People are trying to help you though.

We could spend years locked into an awful situation and as I’ve already answered that is too high a price and I won’t consider it.

But isn't that what you are doing anyway?

You might as well have the house on the market and the divorce going through at the same time.

Start saving and putting money into an account. Even if it is tiny amounts. You might not be able to leave now but you might be able to in a few years time.

Look after yourself, your health and your children and start saving. When you get shopping get cash back at the till and save that. Talk to him about repaying your debts and focus on that goal for now.

your situation will not always be like this.

You haven’t once said thanks or acknowledged that people are spending their time trying to offer you moral support.

Big hugs OP - Im sorry your husband is not being supportive. As a stranger, reading your words I can hear that you are completely overwhelmed..

Why don't you put divorce off the table for now and start small. Baby steps.

When is the last time you had time for yourself? Can you take a day off work or half day while the kids are in childcare and just take a moment to breath and do something for just you! Maybe it's a small thing like a pedicure or if moneys an issue a nice walk outside. What would your husband do if you left the kids with him and said I'm taking some time for me?

I have in fact. But I thought you had left the thread.

I do have to smile a bit wryly at the fact I posted a thread saying ‘I can’t afford to divorce’, in the thread I explain why I can’t afford to divorce and everyone gets angry because I can’t afford to divorce 🤷‍♀️ 😂

I really wasn’t trying to wind you up, only clumsily trying to express that people are on your side. Anyway good luck OP.

I hear that you can't afford a divorce. That sucks.

Best of luck OP.

I know exactly what you are saying and I'm really really trying to help you, not downplaying it all or be patronising or anything. I had to leave my marriage for the exact same reasons you are wanting to. It took me ages of planning and it wasn't easy. You would honestly be surprised what help you can get. Knowledge is power. I spoke to CAB, got free advice from a financial advisor (although I had no money 😂), and got my 30 free minutes with a solicitor. Let that be your starting point. Even if they say there's nothing you can do (which they won't) at least you can say you've tried. Once you start taking it into your own hands, even if it is just by talking to someone and understanding things better, you straight away start to feel a bit more positive and like you may be able to do something. Then it snowballs. Please believe me. I know exactly how you are feeling

Well look, I think the thread is best wrapped up. It is helpful even if people don’t think that it is because it has highlighted to me how low my mood is and how low my tolerance levels are and while DH isn’t perfect I do think that indicates to me that something more than him is amiss. What I do about that at this stage I am not sure but I can hopefully have a think tomorrow.

Womens aid. Get yourself to a refuge and get on the council housing register.

They will help you get housed. They will help you in all kinds of ways op.

Lots of love ❤️ I was in the same boat as you about 13 years ago.

The last straw came and I said "I'd rather be in the gutter than stay another minute here with you".

I had no money and no plan. I just got out of there and the rest fell into place. The first step was deciding to leave, all the steps after that just presented themselves.

You don't have to get divorced right away. Step one is getting out of there, away from him. Separation is the goal first of all, right?

No, please just leave it. I cannot tell you how upsetting it has been to read a couple of posters replies which have endlessly insisted that I am trying to maintain a particular lifestyle which is in effect just accusing me of greed. I really don’t want to have to keep justifying myself to them.

I do not need to go to a refuge. I’m not being abused and I’m not in any danger. And I would never get a council house.

Very few people can afford to divorce at the point when they realise they want to divorce. You've built a life and financial ties with someone, that doesn't just resolve overnight.
All in, it was almost 2 years from separation to divorce for me.

But where do you want to see yourself 5 years from now?
And then you have to figure out how to get there.

There's no magic button, no perfect advice as we are all different, it takes planning, small steps, time and a hell of a lot of pain.
If you aren't prepared to go through that then no, you'll never divorce, and maybe your only option is to work on how you find happiness staying married instead.

Ignore those people, but just take on the advice from the women here who are supporting you.
You're obviously very upset tonight but, as you say, perhaps come back to this tomorrow or in a few days and really look at the good advice and help people have offered you.
Good luck with what you do

There isn’t a magic button and as I’ve said I think I need to start by having a think about my own state of mind at the moment.