I can’t afford a divorce

[santawashisnameo]

I really can’t afford to get divorced, I can’t afford the solicitors fees or to live alone or anything really. I am guessing I am stuck. Is anyone else in this situation?

Have you told him that you hate sex and don't want it? If you're lucky, he might stop asking for it. If you are really lucky, he will initiate the divorce, meaning that he will pay for the legal stuff.

@santawashisnameo I hear you and I very much understand too - it's a very common situation - just play the long game I'm afraid - so many have to - it's really not as easy as LTB as others post on here ,particularly if you are in an unhappy for you but not threatening situation -why would you rush out and put yourself I. Hostels with kids purely because you were not happy , I wouldn't- I would however be looking at playing the long game- easier is kids get older etc - wish you well OP xx

@santawashisnameo I've been to a party tonight- a very fun party and what was interesting was I realised that it was the most fun I had in.a fair old while - and my H was not there '!! And in fact most of us having a good time hadn't taken partners. !! I think many of us are with partners because of practicalities after a number of years - and that many of these relationships end at the point people can do something about it-. I feel the desperation in your voice- please be kind to yourself - xx

It probably isn’t as bad as all that. As I’ve said I did post at a very low point. I really do think there’s something not quite right with me at the moment - I am generally snappy and irritable and easily upset which isn’t like me. I have found going back to work after my second maternity leave very hard and don’t feel I’ve adapted well in a lot of ways.

Being berated for working part time by someone who works part time is also frustrating!

Why can't you save? Does he not work? Are the finances unequal? Can you get debt advice if that's a problem?

Look to improve your life. Somehow. If you don't think you can afford to divorce then you need to make your life better some other way.

I can’t save because I have no money. My salary goes in and it is swallowed by essential payments (eg childcare) and debt. I am hoping to pull myself out of it but it will be a long process.

It she'd have money from selling the house sat in her bank account so not entitled to uc.

No one has given me any suggestions I can work with.

Well, like you said -there aren’t many.

Nobody will be able to say, ‘yes, of course you can leave your marriage and be able to promptly rent/buy a property on your own because that is clearly unrealistic for your situation. That doesn’t mean people aren’t trying to be helpful though.

I think for your wellbeing you should leave this thread now as you're upset and frustrated. Give yourself time to mull things over.

I'm currently living my STBEXH and I confirm that it is awful.

I get it OP, it sounds like at the moment there aren’t any good options, so I can understand feeling trapped. You sound very much like you could be clinically depressed and in need of treatment. I’d start there and see a GP, any GP and trial some antidepressants. I’d also let DH know that you are concerned for your mental health and you believe you are depressed, so all your effort at the moment will be going to your recovery - so getting more sleep, trying to do some exercise etc, and prioritising whatever needs to be done in the house. You won’t be doing XYZ for him or having sex until your mental health is improved. Sounds like the relationship is over in your head, so if he can’t handle no sex and finds it elsewhere, it may actually buy you more time to get your ducks in a row.

I guess the question is how can you disconnect from him in the same house AND start working toward being able to leave in the future. It will probably be easier to think about FT work etc once your mental health has improved. Once your MH has improved it may also be easier to pick up weekend shifts somewhere, so you are away from him AND fast tracking paying off your debt.

Why do you think you wouldn't be entitled to UC? Go online and find a benefits calculator. Input your wages, childcare costs and estimated rent . Also check your local housing allowance for the maximum rent you can get paid. I earn more then you and am not claiming for any children and I am entitled to UC.

If it is due to the equity in your house you can have that disregarded until the house is sold and sometimes for a time after that if you are looking to purchase another property.

Ok, OP, you are really in the space of "I can't possibly" when actually that's not true. You can of course have a phone call with Citizen's Advice. Please stop with the insistence that you couldn't possibly. It's annoying any martyrish. You can make a phone call, FGS.

Here's some more unsolicited advice:

Take this anger and absolutely let rip at your useless husband. If he's the cause of this then it's only just that he bears the consequences.

Well ring the GP surgery and get an appointment for a few weeks' time. Come on, OP.

OP, you can manage getting a GP appointment. Figure it out. Please stop with the self-barriers and helpless act.

You save up for the deposit, as people have said.

That's not the alternative. You've had lots of advice here.

OP could ask about going FT, or else get another job. How do you think the rest of us manage to do these things?

I stayed with mine for ten years! It wasn’t that bad. Once I knew I was going I felt less resentful about doing everything and just framed it as being a good mum.
Mine were older so it was exams and then Covid which delayed things so long but honestly finances and childcare were always the main reasons. There are so many staying together essentially for financial reasons.

An inheritance changed things for us and made it possible to separate. Maybe for you it’s the childcare costs reducing.

OP you will be free one day.

@PicturePlace look, this is classic ‘I know best’ isn’t it?

Ring the GP surgery and get an appointment - you can’t. They only take phone calls for non urgent appointments once a week, on a day I’m working at half past one, when I’m working. Yes, I could pull a sickie I suppose but to be honest I’m absolutely snowed under at work too.

I really can’t claim UC, and even if I could it’s not the point and it’s not a magic bullet, I am not sure where this idea has come from that suddenly if I can claim UC I will skip from my marriage and all will be well!

I am not angry really. I have found a few posters really tedious and the endless arguing and quibbling about universal credit, full time jobs and the like is irritating because it misses the point. I had a feeling I’d wake up to full time work and universal credit posts and I’m not wrong!

A lot of women are in this position OP. I don’t know why so many Mnetters on here refuse to believe that there are women who genuinely can’t afford to leave marriages. The cost of living is ridiculously high and both bought and rented housing, in all sectors, is inaccessible for many. These women who think ‘just leave’ or can’t comprehend the solid financial barriers to leaving, must be really innocent or living under a bush for the past ten plus years.

Women stuck in shit marriages can’t post on mumsnet for emotional support as they get told to leave and then attacked by the wannabe saviors when they reply that they can’t afford to.

Take a sick day, then.

That is how I am feeling, although I don’t think it’s wannabe saving, it’s more this horribly toxic ‘if you really want something you can have it.’ Thanks for saying that, it does help.

@PicturePlace at the moment, as presumably you read, I’m absolutely snowed under with work and I really do need to keep on top of that. I had to have a day off last week and lots of odd sick days doesn’t look good. You’re not here to help. You’re here to bark orders at me which I’m not going to take, so don’t bother. I shouldn’t have to justify myself to you to be honest.