I can’t afford a divorce

[santawashisnameo]

I really can’t afford to get divorced, I can’t afford the solicitors fees or to live alone or anything really. I am guessing I am stuck. Is anyone else in this situation?

Things are obviously seeming insurmountable at the moment so rather than focussing on what you can't do at the moment, how about breaking it down into small more achievable steps? 1) pour everything you can into your debt. 2) build up a nest egg, etc. then you may start to feel like you're getting somewhere even if you're not at your end goal quite yet.

I didn't suggest you get UC. I said you can figure out how to get a GP appointment, like the rest of us, and you can obviously call Citizen's Advice (and you really should).

Ok, OP, you're right. It is singularly impossible for you - unique among humans - to get a GP appointment or ring Citizen's Advice.

So when I split with ex dh he moved in with his parents. I bought him out the house (there was 40k equity. I increased the mortgage by 25k , he got 20k and I used the 5k to cover costs I incurred and to have a bit of emergency money.. (we literally had no savings)

We divorced ourselves, the forms are on the government website all we had to pay was the court fee (we didn't have to go) but we were able to do that because we sorted finances and custody between ourselves. It was around £500.

What are you current living circumstances?

you don’t necessarily need a solicitor to get a divorce. Unless something has changed drastically since mine was granted in 2020, you can do it all online for about £550. I recognise that solicitors will be necessary if you can’t agree on division of assets etc.

are you able to work out finances etc yourselves?

Obviously you are being sarcastic but the first one is true, I cannot get a GP appointment. The second one is not true exactly but what you think they can tell me I don’t already know, I don’t know.why people are acting like it’s the height of wit to come onto a thread where someone’s said ‘I can’t afford a divorce’ and say sarcastically ‘oh yes OP you are right, you can’t afford a divorce.’ I don’t actually mind humour even if it’s aimed in my direction but there’s nothing quick or smart or witty about that. It’s just fucking tedious.

I have no idea what the future will bring. Yesterday I felt very overwhelmed and still do really. I know something isn’t right and I don’t know what that is. I don’t remember ever feeling like this before though and I’ve had some tough times in the past. I feel this panicked almost choked feeling whenever anyone comes near me and I have people endlessly barking at me about citizens advice and universal credit - I might be having a breakdown but I’m really not stupid!

Could you plan if he won't go to his mother's, to rent a 1 bedroom flat, you sleep in the lounge & your kids share the bedroom? They are tiny. If he won't go to his mum's house in short term.

I suspect OP is exhausted by small children & hence the confusion about her own salary & the children’s ages & the "there is not solution" thinking. No rush to do anything, let the ideas settle. OP hasn't the resilience to even ask him about a divorce.

Problems have solutions.

None of that is possible I am afraid. Please bear in mind I haven’t even said to him I want to split and I’m not even sure I do!

But no. Even one bed flats are around £800 a month.

When you ring the GP tell them it is an emergency. It doesn''t matter that it's not a life and death situation it just means that you are expressing a need for a same day appointment.

@VeryOddBall even that is tricky though. Because often when you ring at 8 you can’t get through at all. And if you can and they offer me a same day appointment, that has to be the first available one so we’re back to the problem of work and having to take a whole day off (which would massively add to my stress levels) or go on one of my days off with two children in tow.

It does need sorting but realistically I think it is going to have to wait another two weeks when I’ve broken up for Christmas.

Yes it will be tricky, but still worth it. Your mental health is important. Yes take your two kids with you.

Do you really think I can explain about my mental health and other worrying symptoms with a toddler and preschooler trashing the surgery? 😂 I really can’t. As I’ve said, I’m going to have to get through the next two weeks as best I can and then try to sort things.

Honestly... yes I do believe you can. I would bring them snacks and a small toy to keep them occupied. I would write down your symptoms before hand and hand it over to the GP.

I genuinely wish you all the best whether you do it sooner or in two weeks.

@santawashisnameo you do just have to unfortunately. My children are with me at every medical appointment including when I’ve had bloods and been examined post birth, it’s not ideal but we’ve no family help and it’s fallen on days when my husband has either been away for work or had unavoidable meetings that he’s chairing. Snacks and books or screens if you have to

OK, some of you do. I would spend the entire appointment (assuming I could get through and assuming they took it as an emergency) telling them to get down, leave that alone, don’t touch, etc. But again it is one of those ‘well I did it so if you can’t you’re just being obtuse.’

And moreover I don’t think it would be good for my older one to hear the things I’ll have to say. So that’s that.

@santawashisnameo but as the PP said you could write it down, pass it over, sit one child on your lap and the other in the pram, hold the phone in front of them with Bluey or whatever on. Ask the doctor during the appointment to call you to discuss the mental health aspect and arrange a time to do that with them during the appointment. You should at the very least do this for the physical symptoms as something as simple as iron deficiency could be making you feel dreadful

Or I could wait a couple of weeks and try to sort it then which is my preferred option. Going to the doctor with my two is horrible, we often end up waiting hours as they’re always running behind. Let’s not get back into the minutiae of details. I’ve said what I’m going to do and I will do it. Other people would approach differently and that’s fine. I’m not saying they are wrong; i am saying what my approach is.

Morning Op,
Please ignore the posters with an empathy bypass. This is going to sound bonkers but write down everything you are feeling in a letter to the GP. This will not be the first time they’ve had to see a patient on that basis believe me. Sit at the appointment and hand them the letter. Make sure you are explicit that you need medication because you feel at breaking point. Don’t wait till Xmas.
Also - stick BBC Radio 6 on - Cerys Matthews is on in 12 minutes and she never fails to make a Sunday better

I’m at a kids party or that would sound like a plan!

Treat yourself to Guy Garvey later then 😍
Hope the kids party is tolerable!

go on one of my days off with two children in tow

That is exactly how many people do doctors appointments-I did for years. I remember having a smear with two of them strapped into a double buggy that was far too small for them. Write down the issues in bullet points and hand it to the doctor as soon as you go in-tell them you are desperate for help.

Or I could wait a couple of weeks and try to sort it then which is my preferred option.

What is going to happen in a ‘couple of weeks’ that will make this situation different?

It very much read like if she wants a few weeks she can go without the kids

Yes, I just wasn’t sure why. A couple of weeks time is Christmas, when I would imagine it’ll be absolute hell to get a GP appointment.

Yes, I’m pretty sure I do explain in an earlier post in two weeks I break up for Christmas.

I think that is quite unfair on the other posters. I’ve read the whole thread and I think everyone is genuinely trying to support the OP and a few of us have been
a bit frustrated at the response. I certainly have huge empathy for her and hope she can find a way forward in her own way.