Partner asked me to leave cause I was upset with his mum

[KristyG]

My partner asked me to leave his house with our 5 month baby after I spoke about his mum. I moved into my partners house which is an hour away from where I’m from and got a new job. 2 years later we had a baby. Since he was born I have found his mother (while a caring, friendly person) to make annoying wee comments about my baby. These comments have always been to me and while small on their own, there have been quite a lot which has left me feeling more frustrated and upset, the comments have been to do with socks and outfits not matching, stains on his pram, giving him too much food, mark on his face that I said should fade in half an hour and she couldn’t believe it was still there. She’s also commented on my makeup and hair saying it looked better than it did the week before. I have not asked for advice from her on any of these things. She also likes to see me every week without her son there for coffees and asks to come along to his baby class. It came to a head the other day when I went round to collect the dog as my partner was working, in the 5 minutes I was there she told me she bumped into my neighbour at the shops who wasn’t happy that she hadn’t seen my baby in months and that I never answer the door to her even though she knocks “quietly” she then suggested I took my baby round to see the neighbour. Straight after that she said that my boyfriend told her we gave our baby a food pouch and proceeded to say that was a lot to give. After that, I got home and flipped telling my boyfriend I wanted him to speak to her subtly about the comments as I am stressed enough, tired with a new baby and don’t need that when I’m just trying to pick up the dog. He did not take this well, spoke to his mum who denied it all and said she’s just trying to help, he’s now accused me of picking on her and lying and asked me to leave the house with our baby and move in with my mum as he couldn’t take his mum being attacked. I feel so upset and frustrated that I’ve been accused of lying. I told him maybe I was more sensitive than usual with hormones, sleep deprivation etc as our baby still won’t sleep through the night but he wouldn’t hear it. I’m not sure what to do now I have this feeling of isolation there now and I made it clear I didn’t want it to be a big deal with his mum I just wanted the wee comments to stop.

I did too

As someone whose partner never believed a word I said about his mom I would have left. Any man that puts his child and partner out over his mom is not any kind of person to be building a future with. Also now mil knows she can do what she wants without any consequences I wouldn’t be surprised if her digs and behaviour got worse. I’m sorry but in hindsight I would have left at the first rejection.

Please leave this pathetic man and his mother to it and raise your wee one the way you want to. Mothers and mothers in law do this a lot. I don't know what they think they're playing at. My ma tries it now and again but I have 8 kids and love to tell her that I've raised twice as many kids as she has, who is she to tell me how to do anything. It's a power thing I reckon. I have a nephew and I'd never dream of telling his wee mummy how to raise her own child. If she asks, I'll definitely tell her what I would do or any hacks I've discovered. Women are so passive aggressive and controlling. Your man throwing you and the baby out like that shows he cares more about his ma than you and that's not right. He has a duty to defend you. Whatever you do don't marry that melter.

If it doesn’t feel right then go with your gut

unless you can get a mediator or something .. I’d be depressed or stressed … ?
sometimes other things are going on when people react negatively and in appropriately to a situation that should take sides like this

id get advice if I was you … Don’t leave your home .. he should go to his mum .. You have a baby to consider ..good luck … i hope you’re ok an have lots of support at this difficult time in your life

can someone baby sit whilst you go out and talk it through ?

OP, is your mother in law from a society where tradition says she rules the roost over daughters in law, directing child-rearing etc? Is your 'partner' raised in a tradition where his mother is his main concern? Just wondering.

You aren't married to this man and he's thrown you out. Go. Start a life for yourself and your baby, so you can have security away from him.

If he’s kicked you out there isn’t really much more to say is there? You aren’t married, it’s his house, he’s thrown you out, it’s over.

Anyway, moving in with your mum would kill two birds with one stone - you’d be rid of this spineless arse of a boyfriend, and won’t have his mum round sniping at you every day. Sounds like a win to me.

Do as he says and dodge a bullet. He’s shown you who is is, so listen to him.

It doesn't sound like he's mature enough to discuss anything!

What a vile cretin he is.

Pack your bags and leave.
This won't be the last time he does this.
Go to your mothers house.

Why are you making excuses for what you rightly said about his mum? It’s not you being over sensitive it’s the absolute prat you’ve unfortunately had a baby with!

This comes from the mother of a son.
The family you create are more important than the family you came from.
Your childs mother and your child are your priority now. If I overstep the mark or upset anyone, shame on me.....I expect to be called out on it (not that i would)
But this is how it should be. We communicate and we resolve. You NEVER EVER threaten to throw away your family.
This is what your partner has done. He has thrown away his family.
He is immature. His mother is a covert narcissist.
Leave them both behind, they will not change.
You will never come first.
You deserve a better life.

He was looking for a reason. Ditch him now. Spineless weasel

This is awful, what a huge over-reaction from your partner. He should be standing by YOU and protecting you and his child from hurtful comments. I hope you left with the baby and he can be left to stew and think about whether he'd like to grow up or be a mummy's boy forever!

This.

Thid

I think you are right, that you may have been feeling a little sensitive. However, all this pales into insignificance next to his disproportionate response.
Run for the hills and when he comes grovelling because his mother has given him an ear full, run some more. Because this immature A hole won't change.
You are far better to start life without him now, when your child has no memory of living with him than face years of misery for both of you
Good luck

If you stay with him, you will be not only continue to be abused by him, his mother now knows she can say and do whatever she likes to you and your baby with no comeback. Do not let them abuse you any more. Get back to your mum's ASAP and do not return to that abusive family. You and the baby deserve much more than what they're offering.
Make sure he contributes to your wee baby.

i am hoping for your sake that you’ve left op.

My own mother was like this,alwayunpleasant little comments,like oh you’ve coloured your hair again, just when it was starting to look more normal, or you’re a bit spotty today, or You need to get a girdle on, you look 3 months gone.You get my drift. She couldn’t help herself.I ende up laughing at her comments or saying,oh I’d not noticed I was spotty, so kind of you to point it out.
she never looked after my child,but always told me what I was doing wrong ( just about everything)
Your partner has over reacted but he’ll be used to his mother’s snide comments and has learnt how to handle it. He’ll be expecting you to do the same. If you can’t then this could be a deal breaker,he won’t give up on his mum.

I have this with my mother in law and my husband. My husband was diagnosed autistic last year and I believe his mum is also on the spectrum.

OMG my heart absolutely breaks for you! and what you are describing is what happens to me

I'm currently in a hotel because my husband has just been so unreasonable and I am not going back to him

Firstly: if you need a chat on phone and need someone to listen please send me a private message and we can sort out a call (up to you)

where do you live? I was wondering if a local charity can help you as it doesn't matter what anyone says - this is domestic abuse and his mum is a witch!

I had to write this email to his mum - I am not sabotaging your story, I am just saying I understand

its fucking shit isn't

Email to my MIL

Hi Sheila,

I hope you are well? I am sorry to hear the move has fallen through. I do sincerely hope things run smoothly next time. Although I am sure you feel satisfied with the items you have already shifted in your home and feel lighter nonetheless

I wasn't sure how best to approach this, but I feel this is the only way to get this across, despite it being uncomfortable, but I feel this needs to be said.

I know I am not perfect and I am no angel and I certainly have my moments, but I am sorry to say, you have upset me and I don't feel I can sweep this under the carpet for either of us.

Firstly I am sorry that it came across like I was criticising Paul, I explain further down in this email about what I was trying to say, it really is a misunderstanding.

I'm sorry also about the way I reacted and became a big cry baby and stormed off. I feel really embarrassed and I am sorry that Joanne had to see me like that. It was not my intention.

However, I am really upset about the way you spoke to me in front of Joanne.

"Katie doesn't like it when someone disagrees with her"

You spoke down to me like a toddler and walked into the living room and chatted to Joanne in clear earshot like nothing had happened.

If you were visiting, No matter the circumstance, I would never invite my father into my home where you are clearly very upset and proceed into the living room, and talk to him like nothing has happened - that is not normal.

My dad would think I had lost the plot and doubt he would ever speak to me again and he would be really concerned about why you were so upset.

I'm sorry, if you felt I was criticising Paul, it was coming out wrong and I got nervous as you was taking it as a criticism, which is understandable, and the other conversation about what happened at the beginning of our relationship 5 years ago, it was only brought up because it was coming across as a misunderstanding. You asked me why I was so suspicious and I had no intention of bringing up any of that stuff, it all forgotten, but since you was asking me, I just answered why - again I will explain further down - what it was, it is funny!!

I certainly did not mean it to come across like I was disagreeing with you. And I walked off because you said to me "Katie, you have had these same suspicions with your ex"

For which I certainly HAVE NEVER said and as I walked off you said "what are you running off for, because your moaning?" When I was trying to tell you that was not the case but you wouldn't listen.

You moan about Joanne all the time and criticise her, you do the same about Diana's son, Your granddaughters when they didn't get their purses out on Boxing Day in Buckingham.

It's not nice to be completely open and receivable to peoples understanding and empathy and be completely the opposite back toward people when they are having a bad time, It can't be one sided. You also at times criticise Paul, if he has been sharp with you.

When I was talking to you last year about the last year of my mums life, you asked me

"if I was sure that my mum suffered with lung cancer and you said Joanne knows what symptoms patients with lung cancer suffer with"

I feel like you were insinuating that I was making it up in some way or overdramatising it. I was 13, and my memory is crystal clear about it.

I had to bite my tongue and stop myself from saying "I can text my dad and ask him to send over a picture of her death certificate?"

I have no idea why someone would make that up, or you would feel the need to question me about my experience with it, it's dismissive and really condescending to say the least and above all Insulting.

Any person who even thinks about making something like that up - must be really unwell.

My dad was 47 when he lost my mum and they were so in love with each other and what we all suffered and witnessed - I would not wish on anyone.

She past away on 23rd June 2001 and they didn't find the cancer until a month before she past away, before that, my mum was in and out of hospital for a year because they couldn't find what was wrong. Lewisham hospital absolutely failed her and there was not much research - plus the cancer my mum had was clearly aggressive

Regarding my ex partner of 7 years, Just to be absolutely clear again, the breakup which happened in August 2018 was amicable.

I don't know what is so unbelievable that?

Paul has tried to argue this point too with me.
But for what reason?
It is so childish to come back at me on something like that.

One thing I am not is a liar, but I am a massive cry baby when I feel like I have to justify myself and I am working on that. I know I react badly to Paul and to others when I don't feel like I am being understood or when my hormones send me to the funny farm.

But to be honest I think everyone feels upset when they are misunderstood. But I must learn to not get upset by these things, but as women, sometimes that cannot be helped.

I am trying to work on this, as I do not like reacting in that way, it does not do me any favours!

The reason I cried was because I was upset that it was all coming out wrong and I was getting frustrated with myself

It was supposed to be a funny joke, not a criticism. As soon as I started saying it, I was like "Katie why are you saying this?" And I tripped over my words.

Hear me out here, it is funny, I'd advice you not to mention this Paul because he will get very defensive, it was just a "typical man" comment and me and Paul have joked about it since:

One night, last year, Paul said to me about doing a DJ Set twice a week in Canterbury to give each other "some space", which I thought was strange, and where he said Canterbury, I naturally wondered if he had arranged some accommodation for a few nights a week, which then made me think

"what is he up to?"

This all came out of the blue, and seemed like he had it all planned out.

My feeling was more like he is being a "cheeky monkey" 😆👿

I went on to the computer later that evening and the search history came up and he actually typed in

"student pillow fight in Canterbury"

and behold came up the advertisement about needing a DJ in that bar where university students engage in topless pillow fights!

And I rolled my eyes and said

"oh I see why you're so keen!"

🤣🤣🤣

I found it funny, and when I approached Paul about it, he went bright red and became very sheepish, it was not me criticising him, it just popped into my head and I stopped myself as I felt it was inappropriate and I became a bag of nerves!

Just like when you told me about David on holiday looking at the topless ladies, with his sunglasses on.

I have told Paul what happened between me and you and he is fine about it, and I said I would approach this myself. You are more than welcome to discuss the contents of this email with him or with anyone else.

Go. Now. That's it.

My MIL was the exact same, not only that but she would ignore my own wishes with the baby, make passive aggressive comments about anything I’d asked her to do and honestly put my baby at risk. My husband plucked up the courage to speak to her and she played the victim and stopped speaking to us for an entire month. I find I can work with the relationship as my husband isn’t one of those men who thinks their mothers can do no wrong.

your boyfriend should have your back on this. Sounds like you’ll never win this one sadly.

Wrong of your bf to kick you out but the comments you posted about his mother do seem harmless. Sounds like a reasonable conversation between two people. You probably need more rest and a thoughtful bf. Have a talk with his mother and let her know that you have not been yourself and let’s do better moving forward. Unless you are usually so particular.

His first and number one obligation care and concern is always to be YOU. He is to support you before all others and especially now you are also with an infant someone needs to have a serious firm but friendly chat with him about allegiance and support. If his mother continues in this manner denies and lies he must support you before her. It is his job to deal with his mum not you He also needs to tell mum she is my wife if you cannot accept her without constant criticism you ultimately cannot come around.